From 93145900e3f324210fcf78ec138132a40d16c9ff Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: BeiyanYunyi <14120445+BeiyanYunyi@users.noreply.github.com> Date: Sun, 24 Nov 2024 14:43:58 +0800 Subject: [PATCH] docs(posts): :memo: add SRS1Anniversary.md --- package.json | 30 +- pnpm-lock.yaml | 822 +++------------------------ src/content/posts/SRS1Anniversary.md | 21 + 3 files changed, 122 insertions(+), 751 deletions(-) create mode 100644 src/content/posts/SRS1Anniversary.md diff --git a/package.json b/package.json index e07b967..10d261c 100644 --- a/package.json +++ b/package.json @@ -64,17 +64,25 @@ }, "pnpm": { "overrides": { - "array-includes": "npm:@nolyfill/array-includes@latest", - "array.prototype.findlastindex": "npm:@nolyfill/array.prototype.findlastindex@latest", - "array.prototype.flat": "npm:@nolyfill/array.prototype.flat@latest", - "array.prototype.flatmap": "npm:@nolyfill/array.prototype.flatmap@latest", - "deep-equal": "npm:@nolyfill/deep-equal@latest", - "has": "npm:@nolyfill/has@latest", - 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side-channel: 1.0.6 - is-alphabetical@1.0.4: {} is-alphabetical@2.0.1: {} @@ -7023,42 +6574,14 @@ snapshots: is-alphabetical: 2.0.1 is-decimal: 2.0.1 - is-array-buffer@3.0.4: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.4 - is-arrayish@0.2.1: {} is-arrayish@0.3.2: {} - is-bigint@1.0.4: - dependencies: - has-bigints: 1.0.2 - is-binary-path@2.1.0: dependencies: binary-extensions: 2.3.0 - is-boolean-object@1.1.2: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - - is-callable@1.2.7: {} - - is-core-module@2.15.1: - dependencies: - hasown: 2.0.2 - - is-data-view@1.0.1: - dependencies: - is-typed-array: 1.1.13 - - is-date-object@1.0.5: - dependencies: - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - is-decimal@1.0.4: {} is-decimal@2.0.1: {} @@ -7091,55 +6614,22 @@ snapshots: is-interactive@2.0.0: {} - is-negative-zero@2.0.3: {} - - is-number-object@1.0.7: - dependencies: - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - is-number@7.0.0: {} is-path-inside@3.0.3: {} is-plain-obj@4.1.0: {} - is-regex@1.1.4: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - - is-shared-array-buffer@1.0.3: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - - is-string@1.0.7: - dependencies: - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - - is-symbol@1.0.4: - dependencies: - has-symbols: 1.0.3 - - is-typed-array@1.1.13: - dependencies: - which-typed-array: 1.1.15 - is-unicode-supported@1.3.0: {} is-unicode-supported@2.0.0: {} - is-weakref@1.0.2: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - is-what@4.1.16: {} is-wsl@3.1.0: dependencies: is-inside-container: 1.0.0 - isarray@2.0.5: {} - isexe@2.0.0: {} itty-time@1.0.6: {} @@ -7917,12 +7407,6 @@ snapshots: npm-normalize-package-bin@3.0.1: {} - object-inspect@1.13.1: {} - - object-inspect@1.13.2: {} - - object-keys@1.1.1: {} - ofetch@1.4.1: dependencies: destr: 2.0.3 @@ -8079,8 +7563,6 @@ snapshots: mlly: 1.7.2 pathe: 1.1.2 - possible-typed-array-names@1.0.0: {} - postcss-selector-parser@6.1.2: dependencies: cssesc: 3.0.0 @@ -8129,7 +7611,7 @@ snapshots: qs@6.11.2: dependencies: - side-channel: 1.0.4 + side-channel: '@nolyfill/side-channel@1.0.29' queue-microtask@1.2.3: {} @@ -8182,13 +7664,6 @@ snapshots: regex@4.4.0: {} - regexp.prototype.flags@1.5.3: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - define-properties: 1.2.1 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - set-function-name: 2.0.2 - rehype-katex@7.0.1: dependencies: '@types/hast': 3.0.4 @@ -8318,7 +7793,7 @@ snapshots: resolve@1.22.8: dependencies: - is-core-module: 2.15.1 + is-core-module: '@nolyfill/is-core-module@1.0.39' path-parse: 1.0.7 supports-preserve-symlinks-flag: 1.0.0 @@ -8406,21 +7881,6 @@ snapshots: dependencies: mri: 1.2.0 - safe-array-concat@1.1.2: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.4 - has-symbols: 1.0.3 - isarray: 2.0.5 - - safe-buffer@5.2.1: {} - - safe-regex-test@1.0.3: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - is-regex: 1.1.4 - sass-formatter@0.7.9: dependencies: suf-log: 2.5.3 @@ -8449,29 +7909,6 @@ snapshots: seroval@1.1.1: {} - set-function-length@1.1.1: - dependencies: - define-data-property: 1.1.1 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.2 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-property-descriptors: 1.0.1 - - set-function-length@1.2.2: - dependencies: - define-data-property: 1.1.4 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - function-bind: 1.1.2 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.4 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-property-descriptors: 1.0.2 - - set-function-name@2.0.2: - dependencies: - define-data-property: 1.1.4 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - functions-have-names: 1.2.3 - has-property-descriptors: 1.0.2 - sharp@0.33.5: dependencies: color: 4.2.3 @@ -8513,19 +7950,6 @@ snapshots: '@shikijs/vscode-textmate': 9.3.0 '@types/hast': 3.0.4 - side-channel@1.0.4: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.5 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.2 - object-inspect: 1.13.1 - - side-channel@1.0.6: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - get-intrinsic: 1.2.4 - object-inspect: 1.13.2 - signal-exit@4.1.0: {} simple-swizzle@0.2.2: @@ -8622,34 +8046,9 @@ snapshots: get-east-asian-width: 1.2.0 strip-ansi: 7.1.0 - string.prototype.includes@2.0.1: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - define-properties: 1.2.1 - es-abstract: 1.23.3 - - string.prototype.trim@1.2.9: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - define-properties: 1.2.1 - es-abstract: 1.23.3 - es-object-atoms: 1.0.0 - - string.prototype.trimend@1.0.8: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - define-properties: 1.2.1 - es-object-atoms: 1.0.0 - - string.prototype.trimstart@1.0.8: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - define-properties: 1.2.1 - es-object-atoms: 1.0.0 - string_decoder@1.3.0: dependencies: - safe-buffer: 5.2.1 + safe-buffer: '@nolyfill/safe-buffer@1.0.41' stringify-entities@4.0.4: dependencies: @@ -8768,51 +8167,10 @@ snapshots: type-fest@4.26.1: {} - typed-array-buffer@1.0.2: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - es-errors: 1.3.0 - is-typed-array: 1.1.13 - - typed-array-byte-length@1.0.1: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - for-each: 0.3.3 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-proto: 1.0.3 - is-typed-array: 1.1.13 - - typed-array-byte-offset@1.0.2: - dependencies: - available-typed-arrays: 1.0.7 - call-bind: 1.0.7 - for-each: 0.3.3 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-proto: 1.0.3 - is-typed-array: 1.1.13 - - typed-array-length@1.0.6: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - for-each: 0.3.3 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-proto: 1.0.3 - is-typed-array: 1.1.13 - possible-typed-array-names: 1.0.0 - - typedarray@0.0.6: {} - typescript@5.6.3: {} ufo@1.5.4: {} - unbox-primitive@1.0.2: - dependencies: - call-bind: 1.0.7 - has-bigints: 1.0.2 - has-symbols: 1.0.3 - which-boxed-primitive: 1.0.2 - unconfig@0.5.5: dependencies: '@antfu/utils': 0.7.10 @@ -9070,28 +8428,12 @@ snapshots: web-namespaces@2.0.1: {} - which-boxed-primitive@1.0.2: - dependencies: - is-bigint: 1.0.4 - is-boolean-object: 1.1.2 - is-number-object: 1.0.7 - is-string: 1.0.7 - is-symbol: 1.0.4 - which-pm-runs@1.1.0: {} which-pm@3.0.0: dependencies: load-yaml-file: 0.2.0 - which-typed-array@1.1.15: - dependencies: - available-typed-arrays: 1.0.7 - call-bind: 1.0.7 - for-each: 0.3.3 - gopd: 1.0.1 - has-tostringtag: 1.0.2 - which@2.0.2: dependencies: isexe: 2.0.0 diff --git a/src/content/posts/SRS1Anniversary.md b/src/content/posts/SRS1Anniversary.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..89ce44b --- /dev/null +++ b/src/content/posts/SRS1Anniversary.md @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ +--- +title: 性别重置手术一周年记 +date: 2024-11-24 06:41:00 +description: 终有一天，我要在旧制度旧社会的断壁残垣上涂鸦“我来自 2024”。 +tag: + - 随笔 +--- + +今天是 2024 年 11 月 24 日。一年前的今天，我做了一个在学校里生活的梦，场景和人物来自初中和高中。我从梦中醒来，似乎又是新一天的开始。我想动一动，发现裆部好像被什么东西包着，翻不了身。接踵而至的是疼痛。我开始大喊“疼”，让医生给我打哌替啶。医生问了我的名字，然后从我嘴里拔了什么出来——也是这时我才发现自己嘴里还插着管。 + +我就这样子开始了自己作为（被中国政府认可的）女性的生活。一年来，我经历了有一面之缘的人的死去，被性侵，然后是冬季的自杀潮。在一封封讣告里，我带着“赌一赌，活了没事死了拉倒”的心态吞服剂量上限 4 倍的降压药，半个小时内头晕目眩、头重脚轻、上吐下泻，倒在床上昏过去、过两三个小时又醒来——还不够格进抢救室。在南京脑科医院开出阿立哌唑和碳酸锂，后者让我全身刺痛发麻、前者让我变胖。回学校上学，五天里有四天早上 6:30 要起床，愈演愈烈的自杀的意念仍在一波波袭击我。再后来换用舍曲林，第一周意识模糊，第二周开始，我好了。 + +我进入一种“麻了”的状态，所有的情绪活动都离我远去，终于如愿地把自己变成一个机器。虽终归偶对生活对国家有不满，但也不过一下。再之后冷静地找到实习、冷静地来到上海、冷静地请人代上课、冷静地开始自己的另一段生活。 + +人类学选修课，曾有同学来我家考察过，在她的记录里，这是一个极简的家。但这不是因为我太懂生活、会断舍离，而是因为我太不懂生活、只会惯性地度过日日夜夜。尽管已经没有死念，却还是很难让自己活起来。 + +终究只是学会了活下去而已，在对性少数群体的一轮轮污名化和围剿里活下去。单论下半年，先是巴黎奥运会开幕式被作为装饰的性少数，再是拳击项目被俄罗斯空口污蔑成男性的运动员，然后是马斯克的“变性儿子”，最后是被全国取消演出的金星，还有冲锋队们随后一拥而上对性少数铺天盖地的声讨——以至于连本不亲近的母亲都需要提醒我“最近注意安全，现在大环境对特殊人群不友好”。每当此时，我总要限制自己对社交媒体的使用，却又总是忍不住愤激着去说点什么。 + +今天和朋友去看了《好东西》，看见两个女人精彩生动的生活，终归明白了目标。我惊讶于导演在这个大环境下竟敢大胆表现人物关系、大胆把同性恋摆上桌，惊讶于在 2024 年能看到这样的电影。我也要学会生活，学会有声有色地生活。这是其一。 + +其二，一如苏军士兵在德国国会大厦墙上写“我来自布列斯特”，终有一天，我要在旧制度旧社会的断壁残垣上涂鸦“我来自 2024”。