jokes.txt

 I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
 I burned 2000 calories today I left my food in the oven for too long.
I startled my next-door neighbor with my new electric power tool. I had to calm him down by saying “Don’t worry, this is just a drill!”
I broke my arm in two places. My doctor told me to stop going to those places.
I quit my job at the coffee shop the other day. It was just the same old grind over and over.
I never buy anything that has Velcro with it... it’s a total rip-off.
I used to work at a soft drink can crushing company... it was soda pressing.
I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger. Then it hit me.
I was going to tell you a fighting joke... but I forgot the punch line.
What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time? The shovel. 
I’m starting my new job at a restaurant next week. I can’t wait.
I visited a weight loss website... they told me I have to have cookies disabled.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? He pasta way.
Broken guitar for sale no strings attached.
I could never be a plumber it’s too hard watching your life’s work go down the drain.
I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day... but I think I may have grater problems than that.
What time did you go to the dentist yesterday? Tooth-hurty.
What kind of music do astronauts listen to? Neptunes.
Rest in peace, boiled water. You will be mist.
What is the only concert in the world that costs 45 cents? 50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
It’s not a dad bod it’s a father figure.
My wife recently went on a tropical food diet and now our house is full of this stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Want to hear a construction joke? Sorry, I’m still working on it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is extremely big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today in the oven, I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
Anyone can be buried when they die but if you want to be cremated then you have to urn it.
Where did Captain Hook get his hook? From the second-hand store.
I am such a good singer that people always ask me to sing solo solo that they can’t hear me. 
I am such a good singer that people ask me to sing tenor tenor twelve miles away.
Occasionally to relax I just like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That’s just how I roll.
What did the glass of wine say to the glass of beer? Nothing. They barley knew each other.
I’ve never trusted stairs. They are always up to something.
Why did Shakespeare’s wife leave him? She got sick of all the drama.
I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank. I have no words to describe how mad I am.
If you want to get a job at the moisturizer factory... you’re going to have to apply daily.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next year. It’s probably because I don’t have 2020 vision.
Want to hear a joke about going to the bathroom? Urine for a treat.
I couldn’t figure out how to use the seat belt. Then it just clicked.
I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards turns out it was just spam.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there? European.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store what re you? An iWitness?
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents!
Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
Why did the cow in the pasture get promoted at work? Because he is OUT-STANDING in his field!
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? It was two tired.
Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table? Sir Cumference. 
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea!
Can February March? No, but April May!
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why did the crab never share? Because he's shellfish.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
I used to hate facial hair... but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner— it was just gathering dust!
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa.
How do lawyers say goodbye? Sue ya later!
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
What did the shy pebble wish for? That she was a little boulder.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?  I'm a cashew!
Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center... you've seen a mall.
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work... but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
How come the stadium got hot after the game? Because all of the fans left.
Why was it called the dark ages? Because of all the knights. 
Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? She was a roman catholic.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? A spelling bee.
I'll tell you what often gets over looked... garden fences.
Why did the kid cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?  I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
To be Frank... I'd have to change my name.
Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? A Brazilian
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... It was Everlong...
Some people eat light bulbs. They say it's a nice light snack.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees?  Sore arms.
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? Lil Caesars
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. He was caught in a trap..
Never take advice from electrons. They are always negative.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? Because they are made to concentrate. 
What did the beaver say to the tree? It's been nice gnawing you.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern? You use a pumpkin patch.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I’ll ketch up
I have kleptomania... when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I used to be addicted to soap... but I'm clean now.
When is a door not a door? When it's ajar.
I made a belt out of watches once... It was a waist of time.
This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  Look for fresh prints.
If at first you don't succeed sky diving is not for you!
What kind of music do mummy's like? Rap
A book just fell on my head. I only have my shelf to blame.
What did the dog say to the two trees? Bark bark.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time... are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret? Because it's bound to squeal.
Why are mummys scared of vacation? They're afraid to unwind.
Whiteboards ... are remarkable.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep? A stega-snore-us.
Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A dino-snore.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops.
What kind of tree fits in your hand? A palm tree!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus? Ten-tickles!
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom? A tuba toothpaste.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... I totally nailed it!
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.
What do you call corn that joins the army? Kernel.
I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum but I just can't seem to get it going.
Why don't sharks eat clowns?  Because they taste funny.
Why didn’t the melons get married? Because they cantaloupe.
What’s a computer’s favorite snack? Microchips!
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip? He had a hard drive.
Why did the computer have no money left? Someone cleaned out its cache!
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.
Why did the computer get cold? Because it forgot to close windows.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard? The space bar!
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman? The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
If at first you don't succeed... call it version 1.0
Why did Microsoft PowerPoint cross the road? To get to the other slide!
What did the computer do at lunchtime? Had a byte!
Why did the computer keep sneezing? It had a virus!
What did one toilet say to the other? You look a bit flushed.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
What did one wall say to the other wall? I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to? Lonely
Why do bicycles fall over? Because they are two-tired!
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
What part of the car is the laziest? The wheels, because they are always tired!
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper? Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
Why was the belt arrested? Because it held up some pants!
What makes the calendar seem so popular? Because it has a lot of dates!
Why do you go to bed every night? Because the bed won't come to you!
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank? He wanted to make a clean get away!
Just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
Slept like a log last night woke up in the fireplace.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
What name do you give a person with a rubber toe? Roberto
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
Why was the belt sent to jail? For holding up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water? He had a very esteemed colleague.
What happens when a frogs car dies? He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle? They rose.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
My boss told me to have a good day... ...so I went home.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? By the bark.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim? Alphawetical.
Why was the color green notoriously single? It was always so jaded.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
What's the most depressing day of the week? sadder day.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines But catscan.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke but you guys didn’t like it.
Stop looking for the perfect match instead look for a lighter.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing but he said it’s just a bug going around.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive? A lamborghini.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document? This is taxing.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day? It was loaf at first sight.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna One, Anna Two!
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
What is a child guilty of if they refuse to nap? Resisting a rest.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people but none of them work.
Why are spiders so smart? They can find everything on the web.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A bed.
What does a house wear? Address.
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
My son asked me to put his shoes on but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing. The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks? Minnesota.
What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing—they fast.
I’m so good at sleeping... I can do it with my eyes closed.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record. But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What do you call a fibbing cat? A lion.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil? Because it’s pointless.
I like telling Dad jokes… sometimes he laughs.
How do you weigh a millennial? In Instagrams.
The wedding was so beautiful even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the most patriotic sport? Flag football.
Never trust atoms; they make up everything.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, How do you drive this thing?
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I went to buy some camo pants but couldn’t find any.
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t even count.
I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger, but then it hit me.
I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the car park. That is wrong on so many levels.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess. 
I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is ‘Goodbye.’ 
My father has schizophrenia, but he’s good people. 
The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally. 
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician. 
Never trust atoms; they make up everything. 
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling! 
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around. 
I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.
Russian dolls are so full of themselves. 
The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s cast. 
Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak. 
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that. 
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’ 
A told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised. 
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves. 
Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?’ 
I always take life with a grain of salt. And a slice of lemon. And a shot of tequila.
Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back. 
Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it. 
The last thing I want to do is hurt you; but it’s still on the list. 
The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. It’s that no one runs in your family. 
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. 
‘Doctor, there’s a patient on line one that says he’s invisible.’ ‘Well, tell him I can’t see him right now.’ 
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar. Things got a little tense. 
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 
Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her… or something like that.
Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it. 
If a parsley farmer gets sued, can they garnish his wages? 
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right. 
I didn’t think orthopedic shoes would help, but I stand corrected.
I was riding a donkey the other day when someone threw a rock at me and I fell off. I guess I was stoned off my ass. 
People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders. 
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans. 
What’s a frog’s favorite type of shoes? Open toad sandals. 
Blunt pencils are really pointless. 
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down. 
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene. 
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care. 
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure. 
Adam & Eve were the first ones to ignore the Apple terms and conditions.
Refusing to go to the gym is a form of resistance training.
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. 
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP. 
Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’ 
I can tell when people are being judgmental just by looking at them. 
The rotation of Earth really makes my day. 
Well, to be Frank with you, I’d have to change my name. 
My friend was explaining electricity to me, but I was like, ‘Watt?’
What if there were no hypothetical questions? 
Are people born with photographic memories, or does it take time to develop?
The world champion tongue twister got arrested. I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence. 
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants. 
A book fell on my head the other day. I only have my shelf to blame though. 
Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them. 
Geology rocks, but geography’s where it’s at. 
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast. 
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here!’ 
If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed? 
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres. 
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.’ 
The man who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s also terrible. 
A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…
A Freudian slip is when you mean one thing and mean your mother. 
I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel. 
The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, ‘This changes everything.’ 
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I saw a sign the other day that said, ‘Watch for children,’ and I thought, ‘That sounds like a fair trade.’ 
Whiteboards are remarkable. 
I threw a boomerang a couple years ago; I know live in constant fear. 
I put my grandma on speed dial the other day. I call it insta-gram. 
I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
‘I have a split personality,’ said Tom, being Frank. 
My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!" 
Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. 
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side got amputated? He’s all right now. 
The man who survived both mustard gas and pepper spray is a seasoned veteran now. 
Have you heard about the new restaurant called ‘Karma?’ There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
What did one pirate say to the other when he beat him at chess?<>Checkmatey.
I burned 2000 calories today<>I left my food in the oven for too long.
I startled my next-door neighbor with my new electric power tool. <>I had to calm him down by saying “Don’t worry, this is just a drill!”
I broke my arm in two places. <>My doctor told me to stop going to those places.
I quit my job at the coffee shop the other day. <>It was just the same old grind over and over.
I never buy anything that has Velcro with it...<>it’s a total rip-off.
I used to work at a soft drink can crushing company...<>it was soda pressing.
I wondered why the frisbee kept on getting bigger. <>Then it hit me.
I was going to tell you a fighting joke...<>but I forgot the punch line.
What is the most groundbreaking invention of all time? <>The shovel. 
I’m starting my new job at a restaurant next week. <>I can’t wait.
I visited a weight loss website...<>they told me I have to have cookies disabled.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef that recently died? <>He pasta way.
Broken guitar for sale<>no strings attached.
I could never be a plumber<>it’s too hard watching your life’s work go down the drain.
I cut my finger slicing cheese the other day...<>but I think I may have grater problems than that.
What time did you go to the dentist yesterday?<>Tooth-hurty.
What kind of music do astronauts listen to?<>Neptunes.
Rest in peace, boiled water. <>You will be mist.
What is the only concert in the world that costs 45 cents? <>50 Cent, featuring Nickelback.
It’s not a dad bod<> it’s a father figure.
My wife recently went on a tropical food diet and now our house is full of this stuff. <>It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call Santa’s little helpers? <>Subordinate clauses.
Want to hear a construction joke? <>Sorry, I’m still working on it.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? <>One is extremely big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today in the oven, <>I should have cooked it on aloha temperature.
Anyone can be buried when they die<>but if you want to be cremated then you have to urn it.
Where did Captain Hook get his hook? <>From the second-hand store.
I am such a good singer that people always ask me to sing solo<>solo that they can’t hear me. 
I am such a good singer that people ask me to sing tenor<>tenor twelve miles away.
Occasionally to relax I just like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.<> That’s just how I roll.
What did the glass of wine say to the glass of beer? Nothing. <>They barley knew each other.
I’ve never trusted stairs. <>They are always up to something.
Why did Shakespeare’s wife leave him? <>She got sick of all the drama.
I just bought a dictionary but all of the pages are blank. <>I have no words to describe how mad I am.
If you want to get a job at the moisturizer factory... <>you’re going to have to apply daily.
I don’t know what’s going to happen next year. <>It’s probably because I don’t have 2020 vision.
Want to hear a joke about going to the bathroom? <>Urine for a treat.
I couldn’t figure out how to use the seat belt. <>Then it just clicked.
I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards<>turns out it was just spam.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.<> It's impossible to put down!
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?<> European.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?<> They were cooked in Greece.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... <>it's tearable.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. <>It was the best dam show I ever saw!
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store what re you?<> An iWitness?
Spring is here! <>I got so excited I wet my plants!
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?<> 1forrest1
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? <>Because he was a little horse!
CASHIER: "Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?" <>DAD: "No, just leave it in the carton!’”
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? <>They say he made a mint.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.<> I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why do chicken coops only have two doors?<> Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
How do you make a Kleenex dance? <>Put a little boogie in it!
A termite walks into a bar and asks<>"Is the bar tender here?"
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?<> He couldn't see himself doing it.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory <>but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, "First offender?" <>She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
How do you make holy water?<> You boil the hell out of it.
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.<> I woke up exhausted!
Did you hear about the circus fire?<> It was in tents!
Don't trust atoms.<> They make up everything!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? <>Ten-tickles.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.<> I don’t know why.
Why did the cow in the pasture get promoted at work?<> Because he is OUT-STANDING in his field!
What do prisoners use to call each other?<> Cell phones.
Why couldn't the bike standup by itself? <>It was two tired.
Who was the fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table?<> Sir Cumference. 
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? <>It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
You know what the loudest pet you can get is?<> A trumpet.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?<> Frostbite.
What do you call a deer with no eyes?<> No idea!
Can February March? <>No, but April May!
What do you call a lonely cheese? <>Provolone.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?<> Because the pee is silent.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?<> Bison.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? <>Nobody knows.
You heard of that new band 1023MB? <>They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.
Why did the crab never share?<> Because he's shellfish.
How do you get a squirrel to like you? <>Act like a nut.
Why don't eggs tell jokes? <>They'd crack each other up.
Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? <>Because then it would be a foot.
Did you hear the rumor about butter? <>Well, I'm not going to spread it!
I made a pencil with two erasers. <>It was pointless.
I used to hate facial hair...<>but then it grew on me.
I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—<>it was just gathering dust!
I had a neck brace fitted years ago<> and I've never looked back since.
You know, people say they pick their nose,<> but I feel like I was just born with mine.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?<> An irrelephant.
What do you get from a pampered cow? <>Spoiled milk.
It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.<> It's a faux pa.
How do lawyers say goodbye? <>Sue ya later!
Wanna hear a joke about paper? <>Never mind—it's tearable.
What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? <>Live stream.
I could tell a joke about pizza,<> but it's a little cheesy.
When does a joke become a dad joke?<> When it becomes apparent.
What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? <>The space bar.
What did the shy pebble wish for?<>That she was a little boulder.
I'm tired of following my dreams. <>I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? <>He's all right now.
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road? <>Because he had no guts.
What did one nut say as he chased another nut? <> I'm a cashew!
Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center...<> you've seen a mall.
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work...<>but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
How come the stadium got hot after the game? <>Because all of the fans left.
Why was it called the dark ages? <>Because of all the knights. 
Why did the tomato blush? <>Because it saw the salad dressing.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun? <>She was a roman catholic.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot? <>A spelling bee.
I'll tell you what often gets over looked...<> garden fences.
Why did the kid cross the playground? <>To get to the other slide.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?<> Because it's too far to walk.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song? <> I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. <>The second time let me down.
To be Frank...<> I'd have to change my name.
Slept like a log last night … <>woke up in the fireplace.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? <>Because it's a little meteor.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?<> A Brazilian
I don't trust stairs.<> They're always up to something.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.<> He charged one and let the other one off.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?<>I don't know and I don't care.
I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once... <>It was Everlong...
Some people eat light bulbs. <>They say it's a nice light snack.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees? <> Sore arms.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.<> Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,<> I can't wait to see how it turns out.
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented? <>Lil Caesars
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night. <>He was caught in a trap..
Never take advice from electrons. <>They are always negative.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit? <>Because they are made to concentrate. 
What did the beaver say to the tree? <>It's been nice gnawing you.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?<> You use a pumpkin patch.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? <>I’ll ketch up
I have kleptomania...<>when it gets bad, I take something for it.
I used to be addicted to soap...<> but I'm clean now.
When is a door not a door?<> When it's ajar.
I made a belt out of watches once...<> It was a waist of time.
This furniture store keeps emailing me,<> all I wanted was one night stand!
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?<>  Look for fresh prints.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.<> It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? <>Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
If at first you don't succeed<> sky diving is not for you!
What kind of music do mummy's like?<>Rap
A book just fell on my head. <>I only have my shelf to blame.
What did the dog say to the two trees? <>Bark bark.
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time...<> are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?<> They mostly wrap.
What did the mountain climber name his son?<>Cliff.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?<> Because it's bound to squeal.
Why are mummys scared of vacation?<> They're afraid to unwind.
Whiteboards ...<> are remarkable.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?<>A stega-snore-us.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?<> A palm tree!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey<> but I turned myself around.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?<> Ten-tickles!
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?<> A tuba toothpaste.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together... <>I totally nailed it!
What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport?<>Squash.
What do you call corn that joins the army?<> Kernel.
I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum <>but I just can't seem to get it going.
Why don't sharks eat clowns? <> Because they taste funny.
Just read a few facts about frogs.<> They were ribbiting.
Why didn’t the melons get married?<>Because they cantaloupe.
What’s a computer’s favorite snack?<>Microchips!
Why was the robot so tired after his road trip?<>He had a hard drive.
Why did the computer have no money left?<>Someone cleaned out its cache!
I'm not anti-social. <>I'm just not user friendly.
Why did the computer get cold?<>Because it forgot to close windows.
What is an astronaut's favorite key on a keyboard?<>The space bar!
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?<>The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.
If at first you don't succeed...<> call it version 1.0
Why did Microsoft PowerPoint cross the road?<>To get to the other slide!
What did the computer do at lunchtime?<>Had a byte!
Why did the computer keep sneezing?<>It had a virus!
What did one toilet say to the other?<>You look a bit flushed.
Why did the picture go to jail?<>Because it was framed.
What did one wall say to the other wall?<>I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?<>Lonely
Why do bicycles fall over?<>Because they are two-tired!
Why was the broom late?<>It over swept!
What part of the car is the laziest?<>The wheels, because they are always tired!
What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?<>Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?
What did one elevator say to the other elevator?<>I think I'm coming down with something!
Why was the belt arrested?<>Because it held up some pants!
What makes the calendar seem so popular?<>Because it has a lot of dates!
Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?He wanted to find Pluto!
Why do you go to bed every night?<>Because the bed won't come to you!
What has four wheels and flies?<>A garbage truck!
Why did the robber take a bath before he stole from the bank?<>He wanted to make a clean get away!
Just watched a documentary about beavers.<>It was the best damn program I’ve ever seen.
Slept like a log last night<>woke up in the fireplace.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?<>Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? <>Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? <>About 5000 miles
Why did the coffee file a police report? <>It got mugged.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? <>He let out a little wine.
How many apples grow on a tree? <>All of them.
What name do you give a person with a rubber toe? <>Roberto
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? <>It’s fine, he woke up.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? <>Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.
How does a penguin build it’s house? <>Igloos it together.
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?<>Roberto
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?<>Great food, no atmosphere.
Why was the belt sent to jail?<>For holding up a pair of pants!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?<>He had a very esteemed colleague.
What happens when a frogs car dies?<>He needs a jump. If that doesn't work he has to get it toad.
What did the flowers do when the bride walked down the aisle?<>They rose.
Why did the man fall down the well?<>Because he couldn’t see that well.
My boss told me to have a good day...<>...so I went home.
How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?<>By the bark.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?<>It’s fine, he woke up.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?<>Because he Neverlands.
Which state has the most streets?<>Rhode Island.
What do you call 26 letters that went for a swim?<>Alphawetical.
Why was the color green notoriously single?<>It was always so jaded.
Why did the coach go to the bank?<>To get his quarterback.
How do celebrities stay cool?<>They have many fans.
What's the most depressing day of the week?<>sadder day.
Dogs can’t operate MRI machines<>But catscan.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke<>but you guys didn’t like it.
Stop looking for the perfect match<>instead look for a lighter.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing<>but he said it’s just a bug going around.
What kind of car does a sheep like to drive?<>A lamborghini.
What did the accountant say while auditing a document?<>This is taxing.
What did the two pieces of bread say on their wedding day?<>It was loaf at first sight.
Why do melons have weddings?<>Because they cantaloupe.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?<>Anna One, Anna Two!
What do you call a toothless bear?<> A gummy bear!
Two goldfish are in a tank. <>One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
What’s Forrest Gump’s password?<>1forrest1
What is a child guilty of if they refuse to nap?<> Resisting a rest.
I know a lot of jokes about retired people<>but none of them work.
Why are spiders so smart?<>They can find everything on the web.
What has one head, one foot, and four legs?<> A bed.
What does a house wear?<> Address.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?<>Red paint.
My son asked me to put his shoes on<> but I don’t think they’ll fit me.
I’ve been bored recently, so I decided to take up fencing.<> The neighbors keep demanding that I put it back.
What do you call an unpredictable camera?<>A loose Canon.
Which U.S. state is known for its especially small soft drinks?<>Minnesota.
What do sprinters eat before a race?<> Nothing—they fast.
I’m so good at sleeping...<>I can do it with my eyes closed.
People are usually shocked that I have a Police record.<>But I love their greatest hits!
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high.<> She seemed surprised.
What do you call a fibbing cat?<> A lion.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?<> Because it’s pointless.
I like telling Dad jokes…<>sometimes he laughs.
How do you weigh a millennial?<> In Instagrams.
The wedding was so beautiful<>even the cake was in tiers.
What’s the most patriotic sport?<> Flag football.
How do you know when you are going to drown in milk? When its past your eyes!
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off? It reads "Small medium at large."
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you".
"Sure thing" the bartender replies and asks "but what's with the big pause?"
The panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them"
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
"What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs."
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe? Roberto
What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
How do you organize a space party? You planet.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Conjunctivitis.com – now that's a site for sore eyes.
A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they're not laughing now.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies? In his sleevies.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Q: What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? A: 400 Million Dollars.
"My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?" "Awful"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick... and put it on my bill"
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they'd be bay-gulls!
What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.
What's brown and sounds like a bell? Dung!
How do you make a hankie dance? Put a little boogie in it.
Where does batman go to the bathroom? The batroom.
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant? About 5000 miles.
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "man, it's really hot in here". The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman replies "sorry mate we only do plain"
 Sgt.: Commissar! Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you're pretty repulsive yourself.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
I knew i shouldn't have ate that seafood. Because now i'm feeling a little... Eel
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato? I'll ketch up
What did the 0 say to the 8? Nice belt.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? Because he had no guts.
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water? Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
What kind of magic do cows believe in? MOODOO.
Wife: Honey I'm pregnant. Me: Well.... what do we do now? Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
At what time does the soldier go to the dentist? 1430.
"Hold on, I have something in my shoe"  "I'm pretty sure it's a foot"
Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base? Because there's a Shortstop in between!
Dad I'm hungry' ... Hi hungry I'm dad
When phone ringing Dad says 'If it's for me don't answer it.'
Put the cat out ... I didn't realize it was on fire
Where's the bin? Dad: I haven't been anywhere!
Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!'
I've been addicted to cold turkey for 2 years. I keep telling people I'm trying to quit cold turkey but nobody is taking me seriously.
Old yachtsmen don't die... They just keel over.
3.14% of sailors are pi-rates.
Bad at golf? Join the club.
I just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.
Have you met my friend Annette? She's married to a fisherman.
Why is Irish whiskey triple distilled? To be sure, to be sure, to be sure.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins...
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something.
If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
A big cat escaped it's cage at the zoo yesterday. If I saw that I'd puma pants.
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
Why are Lada's so bad? Because the keep Stalin.
What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.
I made my wife a cocktail with fairy liquid in it.... She was foaming at the mouth when she tasted it.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
Found out I was colour blind the other day... That one came right out the purple.
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today... I told him that's the last thing I need.
Whenever I want to start eating healthy, a chocolate bar looks at me and Snickers.
Don't kiss your wife with a runny nose. You might think it's funny, but it's snot.
My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet. I just say it's Narnia business. @WillFerreI
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night... I should've put it on aloha setting.
Dad: Where can I get a potato clock? Son: Why a potato clock?!? Dad: I've got a new job and my boss said I need to get-a-potato-clock
My son asked me to stop singing oasis songs in public. I said maybe.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.
They don't watch the flintstones in Dubai. But Abu Dhabi do.
Lone Ranger sees Tonto riding with a dustbin. LR: "Where are you going Tonto?" T: "to-the-dump-to-the dump-to-the-dump-dump dump..."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent
Happy Father's Day! Did you hear about the crazy Mexican train thief? He had loco motives
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.... Then it's a soap opera
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
You can't run through a camp site. You can only ran, because it's past tents.
"Does this uniform make me look fat" - insecurity guard
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
Want to hear a joke about construction? Nah, I'm still working on it.
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
A classic from who's line is it anyway.
You heard the rumor going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn't spread it.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London zoo. @zsllondonzoo
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? "Make me one with everything."
How does the moon cut his hair? Eclipse it!
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence? Udder destruction.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet..... But that's just nuts
What's a duck's favourite dip? Quackamole
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
I hate it when people ask me what I will be doing in 5 years time. Come on, I don't have 2020 vision.
Steak puns... They're a rare medium, well done
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar.... It was tense.
Comedians who tell one too many lightbulb jokes soon burn out.
Look! I'm wearing a Thai.
What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.
How does a penguin build it's house? Igloos it together.
Knock knock. Who's there? To. To Who? To whom.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.
I went out with a girl called Simile, I don't know what I metaphor.
I went on a two week holiday to the south of France. It was Toulon.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle. Bartender: What's that on your belt? Pirate: Arrr, It's drivin' me nuts!
Plateaus are the highest form of flattery.
Me: Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter. Doctor: I don't follow you.
There's no I in denial.
My computer sings, it's a Dell.
It's time to rock around the Christmas tree.
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
I ate a clock yesterday, it was so time consuming.
I'm tired of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Its ok, he woke up.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes? They work on so many levels.
How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are about 49cents and deer nuts are just under a buck.
Did you hear about the guy who jumped off a bridge in Paris? He was in Seine.
There are only two types of people in the world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison
A truck of Terrapins crashed into a truck of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster.
What does a house wear? A dress.
I asked a Frenchman if he played video games. He said "wii".
Full Meal Jacket
A furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What did the dog say after a long day at work? "Today was Ruff"
Where are average things built? In the satisfactory.
I've eaten too much Middle Eastern food. Now I falafel.
A pet store had a bird contest. No perches necessary.
What's the worst thing about ancient history class? The teachers tend to Babylon.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?... 1 or 2? 1... or 2?
My son asked me to take him to the hospital because he had a large red mark on his face. I said "Let's not make any rash decisions."
Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.
Sean Connery famously said he would leave The Bahamas and return to Scotland, if it ever gained independence. He must be shitting himself.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
The universe implodes. No matter.
I can give you the cause of an anaphylactic shock in a nutshell.
I just swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.
I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.
My dog Minton ate a shuttlecock... Bad Minton.
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So the decided to call it a day.
I've got an addiction to water, I think I'm an aquaholic.
What did the hungry clock do? Went back four seconds!
My sea sickness comes in waves.
I play triangle for a reggae band. It's pretty casual. I just stand at the back and ting.
I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Don't worry, I used to suffer from short stories. Really?When? Once upon a time
I asked the checkout girl for a date. She said "They're in the fruit aisle next to the bananas."
What did the chicken say about the scrambled egg? There goes my crazy, mixed up kid.
Why do so many people with laser hair want to get it removed?
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a tricycle? Attire!
Why does Peter pan always fly?Because he neverlands!
For all American Dads, this is all you need today.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey
I jumped into the sea today. My friends pier pressured me into it.
What do you call a sketchy Italian neighbourhood? The Spaghetto.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Why do bears have hairy coats? Fur protection.
Someone said my clothes were gay. I said "Yeah, they came out of the closet this morning."
I just misspelt Armageddon, it's not the end of the world.
Volunteering in America is absurd, it just makes no cents.
Jonny Wilkinson is announcing his retirement from rugby. You can't say he didn't try.
Why don't you want to taco bout it? 'Cause i'm nacho friend anymore.
Doorbells, don't knock 'em.
I'm back from holiday in the South Pacific. I wish I had Samoa time off.
"I'm on a whiskey diet, I've lost 4 days already." Tommy Cooper What's your favorite Cooperism?
My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It's enough to make a mango crazy.
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese, who am I to dis a Brie.
Happy Easter! What's your best egg yolk? Mine is: A boiled egg is hard to beat.
What do you call an Alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It turned into a field.
Can February march? No, but April May.
Full credit to the whoever made this for Putin in the effort.
What does a grape say when it is stepped on? Nothing, it just lets out a little wine.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I swallowed some Tippex last night. I woke up this morning with a massive correction.
Just got a text from Snoop Dogg. No biggy.
What do you get when you cross a rhetorical question with a joke?
Pink Panthers to do list: To do To do To do, to do, to do To do, to doooo
What did the bra say to the hat? You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.
What did one eye say to the other? Something smells between us.
Two elephants fall off a cliff... Boom boom!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Tentacles.
I don't like atoms, they're liars. They make up everything.
If you want to set up a company and run it, then that's your own business.
My friend is going on holiday to the Middle East. Oman, that sounds fun...
Whoever invented the door knocker deserves a no-bell prize!
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
I can't stand Russian dolls.... They're so full of themselves.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote controller. I thought to myself "well, this changes everything..."
I got this extra electron I didn't want. My friend said "don't be so negative."
A boat builder is showing his son one of his forests. He turns to him and says, "Son, one day this will all be oars"
Molestation is a touchy subject.
I’ve decided to put up a marquee in my garden with some funky music and flashing lights. Now is the winter of my disco tent.
I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, I phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.
My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
Did you hear about the man who gave up making haggis? He didn't have the guts for it anymore.
Retrospective baddadjoke: Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all
Sometimes I squat on the floor, put my arms around my legs and lean forward. That's how I roll.
Got lost in a corn field today, it was a-maize-ing.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
Just out buying some new chairs for the house, sofa so good.
My wife told me I was average, I think she's mean.
I was going to tell a dairy joke, but it was too cheesy.
Just had my first round of golf. I'm not very good, in fact I've got a fairway to go.
My daughter just lost her mood ring, really don't know how she feels about it.
I told a friend I was off to California this summer. He told me to be more pacific... so I went to Hawaii instead...
I gave all my dead batteries away today... Free of charge.
Why is there a long line at the cemetery? Because people are dying to get in.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
I'm starting a band called 1023mb We'll never get a gig.
What's Forest Gump's Facebook password? 1forest1
A photon checks into a hotel. Receptionist: "May I take your bags sir?" Photon: "I don't have any bags, I'm travelling light."
Melon 1: "Let's run away and get married." Melon 2: "Sorry but I Cantaloupe."
Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
I lost my job last week. Unemployment is not working for me.
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
Hitler was surprised by the Invasion of Normandy. He did nazi that coming.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
So, I asked my North Korean mate how his life was going? He said "can't complain"
Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.
Why is Saudi Arabia free of mental illness? Because No-mad people live there.
Without geometry life is pointless.
I broke my guitar string last night. Don't fret, I had another.
Had a new beaver curry last night. It's like a normal curry, just a bit 'otter.
Went to the corner shop today... Bought four corners.
Have you heard the conspiracy about Russian allotments. It's all just a communist plot.
My uncle works with Digital radios. You could say he’s a DAB hand.
I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don't think it's feline well.
Why do the French only put one egg in an omelette? Because one egg is un oeuf.
The other day someone left plasticine in my house. I didn't know what to make of it.
What happens when you tell an egg a joke? It cracks up.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Sorry I've been away for a while, I was at the fabric shop looking for new material.
I've just been to a very emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I stayed up all night to find out where the sun went, then it dawned on me...
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
Today a girl said she recognised me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I tried to throw a ball at a cloud. I mist.
I woke up with a face full of rice. I must've fallen asleep as soon as my head hit the pilau.
I couldn't pay for my coffee because my wallet was in my other pair of moccachinos. I got it for free. Thanks a latté @lashingsbristol!
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
First rule of Thesaurus Club. You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club
Don't have a Findus lasagne before bed. You'll have a nightMARE.
How does a muppet die? Apparently, it kermits suicide.
What did the Mexican say to his chicken? Oh-lay!
A pet shop was ransacked last week... ...there are currently no leads.
How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
Sleeping comes naturally to me. I can do it with my eyes closed.
I ate some rotten chicken last night. Now I feel fowl.
There is a new disease found in margarine... Apparently it spreading very easily.
What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe? Roberto
Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they're shellfish.
What is Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even.
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Someone called me pretentious the other day... I almost choked on my latte.
My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water....I think he meant well.
What's your favourite Christmas Cracker Joke? Here's one of mine: "What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs."
If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas. Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
A mate of mine has admitted to being addicted to break fluid. I'm worried but he says he can stop whenever he wants.
Start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
Soya Milk. Looked in your fridge.
A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.
Bloody thespians, always making a scene.
My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.
Tea is for mugs.
This thesaurus isn't just terrible, it is also terrible.
I am terrified of elevators. I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
What did the father say to the son who was going fishing? Let minnow when you get there.
I am delighted with the corn crop this year. It's A-maize-ing.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I think rowing is oarsome.
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Why do accountants look so good in heels? Because they never lose their balance.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Wind turbines. I'm a big fan!
What's the definition o a good farmer? A man outstanding in his field.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock? Because it's a little meteor.
I fired my masseuse today. She rubbed me up the wrong way.
A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean. Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Breaking news! A hurricane has just hit the the main cheese factory in France. All that's left is de-Brie.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
I like sea food. I often just have it for the halibut.
A girl walks into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.
I took the shell off of my racing snail to see if it went any faster. If anything though, it just made it more sluggish.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it's Hans free.
Was kept awake last night by someone flashing a light in my face. It was torch-ure.
My wife said to me "Your lack of originality is pathetic."I said "Yeah, well your lack of originality is pathetic."
It was really hard overcoming my addiction to the hokey cokey. But I turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
"I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!" Stewart Francis
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
My wife just split up with me because I've got a pasta fetish. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
I'm thinking about getting a new haircut... I'm going to mullet over.
Had a bowl of scotch broth for lunch today... It was souper hot.
I got really quick service at the fish and chip shop. It was very e-fish-ent
How do you organise a space party? You planet.
What did one bird say to the other cheating parrot? Toucan play at that game.
What's wrong with the Southern French's trousers? They're Toulouse.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
A photon enters a hotel. Porter: 'Need any help with your luggage?' Photon: 'No thanks, I'm travelling light'
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A banker came home from work today worried about his job. He said its in the balance.
sorry "a *pod* of killer whales"
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra.
The only thing that can survive a
A man has taken @British_Airways to court after they misplaced his luggage. He lost his case.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
What do you call a man with rabbits living in his bum? Warren
Just been fishing... It was reely good.
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."
It's so hard to think of another chemistry joke... All the good ones Argon.
Why do people dislike mushrooms? Because they're made from Toads Stools...
There was so much fighting on our Easter camping trip... it was in-tents.
It's easter already?!
I'm off to Nairobi in the Summer. Kenya believe it?
My first girlfriend's name was Ivy... she was all over me.
I've just voted for Charlie's odyssey by Charlie Denholm as the funniest film
Helvetica walks into a bar. The barman says "We don't serve your type around here."
Argon walks into a bar. The barman says "Get the hell out!" Argon doesn't react.
Just watched a documentary about beavers... It was the best damn program I've ever seen.
Last night it was raining cats and dogs... I stepped in a poodle.
I thought about being a juggler, but I didn't have the balls.
My mate got a job as a lion's hairdresser at the zoo today. He is literally the mane man.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm thinking about moving to France... I've got nothing Toulouse.
Went surfing the other day, it was swell.
Watershed joke: A baker was caught bonking his bread loaves. They say he was inbread.
The only thing that can survive a double dip is a hobnob. Osborne, call McVities.
I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation – but I’m not very good at it.
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... She sells seashells on the seashore.
A poker player loses his arm in a nasty accident. He's now got a prosthetic replacement. He just can't deal with it.
A girl invited me back to her place last night for champagne... It turned out it was real pain.
Theres a new type of pillow made from corduroy... Its making headlines.
What did the father say to his crying son at his Indian themed birthday party? It's chapatti and you can cry if you want to.
Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
Wow who saw that coming? Harry Potter and News of the World two of the Biggest selling modern fiction publications ending in the same week.
I went in to a pet shop. I said 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
A man was found today vacuum cleaning the top of nelsons column without any safety equipment. Police say he was Dyson with death.
A man went to A&E at the weekend who swallowed 12 plastic horses. Don't worry the doctors describe his condition as stable.
Conjunctivitis.com - now that's a site for sore eyes.
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
WIMBLEDON SPECIAL Why should you never fall in love with a tennis player? To them, "Love" means nothing.
I went to the doctor the other day I said 'have you got anything for wind' so he gave me a kite.
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "we don't serve food here."
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
An ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
What do you do with chemists when they die? We barium.
Pretty appropriate. Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
Hand me my Mondeo, my semidetached house, my unloved wife, my unfulfilling job, my xbox kids. Twitter, I am your dad and I tell bad jokes.
What type of onion is the best painkiller? A-sprin' onion...
Just passed a manicurist and a dentist quarreling in the street- they were fighting tooth and nail.
I fear for the calendar, it's days are numbered.
What's the definition of 'A Will'? (I'll give you a clue, it's a dead giveaway.)
I buy a different brand of cling flim every time I go to the shops. Just to keep things fresh.
The advantages of origami are twofold.
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
I went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a muscle.
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take off my tie and untuck my shirt.
I don't want to sound big headed but I wear extra large hats.
My friend said "You remind me of a ketchup bottle", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Slept like a log last night ... woke up in the fireplace.
Exit signs - they're on the way out aren't they.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Damn!
A cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol to the pilots ribs and said "TAKE ME TO THE CANARIES!"
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - they're not laughing now.
One arm butlers - they can take it, but they can't dish it out.
A shark will only attack you if you're wet
Beware of alphabet grenades, they might spell disaster.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
Last night I saw this guy chatting up a cheetah at the bar. I thought 'he's trying to pull a fast one.'
My housemate opened the fridge last night and threw a block of cheese at me. I said "That's mature."
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not quite sure.
Why are there no pain killers in the jungle? Because parrots-eat-em-all
I'm reading a book on the history of glue - can't put it down.
Albinos - can't say fairer than that.
Velcro... What a rip-off.
A man walks into a butcher. The butcher bets him £5 he can't guess a shelf of meat's weight. Man replies "I cant, the steaks are too high."
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married... The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was excellent.
Black beauty... He's a dark horse.