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<body><div id="filepos150092" style="height:0pt"></div><h1 class="calibre30" id="calibre_pb_19"><blockquote class="calibre19"><span class="calibre26"><a class="calibre20" href="CR%21103EG31QYH2BV8VT2G4M9E0T9KCH_split_004.html#filepos2297">4</a></span></blockquote></h1>
<h1 class="calibre31"><blockquote class="calibre19"><span class="calibre26"><a class="calibre20" href="CR%21103EG31QYH2BV8VT2G4M9E0T9KCH_split_004.html#filepos2297">The Illusion of Self-Esteem</a></span></blockquote></h1><div class="calibre32"> </div>
<p class="calibre22">When self-esteem is low, we are often manipulated by fear. Fear of reality, to which we feel inadequate. Fear of facts about ourselves—or others—that we have denied, disowned, or repressed. Fear of the collapse of our pretenses. Fear of exposure. Fear of the humiliation of failure and, sometimes, the responsibilities of success. We live more to avoid pain than to experience joy.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If we feel that crucial aspects of reality with which we must deal are hopelessly closed to our understanding; if we face the key problems of life with a basic sense of helplessness; if we feel that we dare not pursue certain lines of thought because of the unworthy features of our own character that would be brought to light—if we feel, in any sense whatever, <em class="calibre23">that reality is the enemy of our self-esteem (or pretense at it)</em>—these fears tend to sabotage the efficacy of consciousness, thereby worsening the initial problem.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If we face the basic problems of life with an attitude of “Who am I to know? Who am I to judge? Who am I to decide?”—or “It is <em class="calibre23">dangerous</em> to be conscious”—or “It is <em class="calibre23">futile</em> to try to think or understand”—we are undercut at the outset. A mind does not struggle for that which it regards as impossible or undesirable.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Not that the level of our self-esteem <em class="calibre23">determines</em> our thinking. The causation is not that simple. What self-esteem affects is our <em class="calibre23">emotional incentives</em>. Our feelings tend to encourage or discourage thinking, to draw us toward facts, truth, and reality, or away from them—toward efficacy or away from it.</p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre2">That is why the first steps of building self-esteem can be difficult: We are challenged to raise the level of our consciousness in the face of emotional resistance. We need to challenge the belief that our interests are best served by blindness. What makes the project often difficult is our feeling that it is only our unconsciousness that makes life bearable. Until we can dispute this idea, we cannot begin to grow in self-esteem.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The danger is that we will become the prisoners of our negative self-image. We allow it to dictate our actions. We define ourselves as mediocre or weak or cowardly or ineffectual and our performance reflects this definition.</p>
<p class="calibre2">While we are capable of challenging and acting contrary to our negative self-image—and many people do so, at least on some occasions—the factor that tends to stand in the way is our resignation to our own state. We submit to feelings of psychological determinism. We tell ourselves we are powerless. We are rewarded for doing so, in that we do not have to take risks or awaken from our passivity.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">We are challenged to raise the level of our consciousness in the face of emotional resistance</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Poor self-esteem not only inhibits thought, it tends to distort it. If we have a bad reputation with ourselves, and attempt to identify the motivation of some behavior, we can react anxiously and defensively and twist our brains not to see what is obvious—or, out of a sense of guilt and generalized unworthiness, we can be drawn not to the most logical explanation of our behavior but to the most <em class="calibre23">damaging</em>, to that which puts us in the worst light morally. Only self-condemnation feels appropriate. Or, if we are confronted with unjust accusations from others, we may feel disarmed and incapable of confuting their claims; we may accept the charges as true, paralyzed and exhausted by a heavy feeling of “How can I decide?”</p>
<p class="calibre2">The base and motor of poor self-esteem is not confidence but fear. Not to live, but to escape the terror of life, is the fundamental goal. Not creativity, but safety, is the ruling desire. And what is sought from others is not the chance to experience real contact but an escape from moral values, a promise to be forgiven, to be accepted, on some level to be taken care of.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If low self-esteem dreads the unknown and unfamiliar, high self-esteem <a></a>seeks new frontiers. If low self-esteem avoids challenges, high self-esteem desires and needs them. If low self-esteem looks for a chance to be absolved, high self-esteem looks for an opportunity to admire.</p>
<p class="calibre2">In these opposite principles of motivation we have a guide to the health of the mind or spirit. We can say that an individual is healthy to the extent that the basic principle of motivation is that of motivation by confidence (love of self, love of life); the degree of motivation by fear is the measure of underdeveloped self-esteem.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Pseudo Self-Esteem</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Sometimes we see people who enjoy worldly success, are widely esteemed, or who have a public veneer of assurance and yet are deeply dissatisfied, anxious, or depressed. They may project the appearance of self-efficacy and self-respect—they may have the <em class="calibre23">persona</em> of self-esteem—but do not possess the reality. How might we understand them?</p>
<p class="calibre2">We have noted that to the extent we fail to develop authentic self-esteem, the consequence is varying degrees of anxiety, insecurity, and self-doubt. This is the sense of being, in effect, <em class="calibre23">inappropriate to existence</em> (though of course no one thinks of it in those terms; perhaps, instead, one thinks <em class="calibre23">something is wrong with me</em> or <em class="calibre23">I am lacking something essential</em>). This state tends to be painful. And because it is painful, we are often motivated to evade it, to deny our fears, rationalize our behavior, and create the appearance of a self-esteem we do not possess. We may develop what I have termed <em class="calibre23">pseudo self-esteem</em>.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I can project an image of assurance and poise that fools almost everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Pseudo self-esteem is the illusion of self-efficacy and self-respect without the reality. It is a nonrational, self-protective device to diminish anxiety and to provide a spurious sense of security—to assuage our need for authentic self-esteem while allowing the real causes of its lack to remain unexamined.</p>
<p class="calibre2">It is based on values unrelated to that which genuine self-efficacy and <a></a>self-respect require, although sometimes the values are not without merit in their own context. For example, a large house can certainly represent a legitimate value, but it is not an appropriate measure or proof of personal efficacy or virtue. On the other hand, acceptance into a gang of criminals is not normally a rational value; nor does it strengthen authentic self-esteem (which is not to say it may not provide a temporary illusion of security or sense of having a “home” or of “belonging”).</p>
<p class="calibre2">Nothing is more common than to pursue self-esteem by means that will not and cannot work. Instead of seeking self-esteem through consciousness, responsibility, and integrity, we may seek it through popularity, material acquisitions, or sexual exploits. Instead of valuing personal authenticity, we may value belonging to the right clubs, or the right church, or the right political party. Instead of practicing appropriate self-assertion, we may practice uncritical compliance to our particular group. Instead of seeking self-respect through honesty, we may seek it through philanthropy—I must be a good person, I do “good works.” Instead of striving for the power of competence (the ability to achieve genuine values), we may pursue the “power” of manipulating or controlling other people. The possibilities for self-deception are almost endless—all the blind alleys down which we can lose ourselves, not realizing that what we desire cannot be purchased with counterfeit currency.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of one’s being. It is what <em class="calibre23">I</em> think and feel about myself, not what someone else thinks or feels about me. This simple fact can hardly be overemphasized. I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates and yet regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of assurance and poise that fools almost everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my inadequacy. I can fulfill the expectations of others and yet fail my own; I can win every honor and yet feel I have accomplished nothing; I can be adored by millions and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense of fraudulence and emptiness. To attain “success” without attaining positive self-esteem is to be condemned to feeling like an impostor anxiously awaiting exposure.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem. Neither does erudition, material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors, sexual conquests, or face-lifts. These things can sometimes make us feel better about ourselves temporarily or more comfortable in particular situations. But comfort is not self-esteem.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The tragedy of many people’s lives is that they look for self-esteem in <a></a>every direction except within, and so they fail in their search. In this book we shall see that positive self-esteem is best understood as a spiritual attainment, that is, <em class="calibre23">as a victory in the evolution of consciousness</em>. When we begin to understand self-esteem in this way, we appreciate the foolishness of believing that if we can only manage to make a positive impression on others we will then enjoy good self-regard. We will stop telling ourselves: If only I get one more promotion—if only I become a wife and mother—if only I am perceived to be a good provider—if only I can afford a bigger car—if I can write one more book—acquire one more company—one more lover—one more award—one more acknowledgment of my “selflessness”—then I will <em class="calibre23">really</em> feel at peace with myself.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If self-esteem is the judgment that I am appropriate to life, the experience of competence and worth—if self-esteem is self-affirming consciousness, a mind that trusts itself—no one can generate and sustain this experience except myself.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Unfortunately, teachers of self-esteem are no less impervious to the worship of false gods than anyone else. I recall listening to a lecture by a man who offers self-esteem seminars to the general public and to corporations. He announced that one of the best ways to raise our self-esteem is to surround ourselves with people who think highly of us. I thought of the nightmare of low self-esteem in persons surrounded by praise and adulation—like rock stars who have no idea how they got where they are and who cannot survive a day without drugs. I thought of the futility of telling a person of low self-esteem, who feels lucky if he or she is accepted by <em class="calibre23">anyone</em>, that the way to raise self-esteem is to seek the company only of admirers.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The ultimate source of self-esteem is and can only be internal—in what we do, not what others do. When we seek it in externals, in the actions and responses of others, we invite tragedy.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Certainly it is wiser to seek companions who are the friends of our self-esteem rather than its enemies. Nurturing relationships are obviously preferable to toxic ones. But to look to others as a primary source of our self-value is dangerous: first, because it doesn’t work; and second, because it exposes us to the danger of becoming approval addicts.</p>
<p class="calibre2">I do not wish to suggest that a psychologically healthy person is unaffected by the feedback he or she receives from others. We are social beings and certainly others contribute to our self-perceptions, as we will discuss. But there are immense differences among people in the relative importance to their self-esteem of the feedback they receive—persons <a></a>for whom it is almost the <em class="calibre23">only</em> factor of importance and persons for whom the importance is a good deal less. This is merely another way of saying there are immense differences among people in the degree of their autonomy.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">Innovators and creators are persons who can to a higher degree than average accept the condition of aloneness</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Having worked for many years with persons who are unhappily preoccupied with the opinions of others, I am persuaded that the most effective means of liberation is by raising the level of consciousness one brings to one’s own experience: The more one turns up the volume on one’s inner signals, the more external signals tend to recede into proper balance. As I wrote in <em class="calibre23">Honoring the Self</em>, this entails learning to listen to the body, learning to listen to the emotions, learning to think for oneself. In subsequent chapters we shall say more about how this can be done.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Independence</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">The alternative to excessive dependence on the feedback and validation of others is a well-developed system of internal support. Then, the source of certainty lies within. The attainment of this state is essential to what I understand as proper human maturity.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Innovators and creators are persons who can to a higher degree than average accept the condition of aloneness—that is, the absence of supportive feedback from their social environment. They are more willing to follow their vision, even when it takes them far from the mainland of the human community. Unexplored spaces do not frighten them—or not, at any rate, as much as they frighten those around them. This is one of the secrets of their power—the great artists, scientists, inventors, industrialists. Is not the hallmark of entrepreneurship (in art or science no less than in business) the ability to see a possibility that no one else sees—and to actualize it? Actualizing one’s vision may of course require the collaboration of many people able to work together toward a common goal, and the innovator may need to be highly skillful at building bridges between <a></a>one group and another. But this is a separate story and does not affect my basic point.</p>
<p class="calibre2">That which we call “genius” has a great deal to do with independence, courage, and daring—a great deal to do with <em class="calibre23">nerve</em>. This is one reason we admire it. In the literal sense, such “nerve” cannot be <em class="calibre23">taught</em>; but we can support the process by which it is <em class="calibre23">learned</em>. If human happiness, well-being, and progress are our goals, it is a trait we must strive to nurture—in our child-rearing practices, in our schools, in our organizations, <em class="calibre23">and first of all in ourselves</em>.</p>
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