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<body><div id="filepos298870" style="height:0pt"></div><h1 class="calibre30" id="calibre_pb_31"><blockquote class="calibre19"><span class="calibre26"><a class="calibre20" href="CR%21103EG31QYH2BV8VT2G4M9E0T9KCH_split_004.html#filepos3001">8</a></span></blockquote></h1>
<h1 class="calibre31"><blockquote class="calibre19"><span class="calibre26"><a class="calibre20" href="CR%21103EG31QYH2BV8VT2G4M9E0T9KCH_split_004.html#filepos3001">The Practice of Self-Responsibility</a></span></blockquote></h1><div class="calibre32"> </div>
<p class="calibre22">To feel competent to live and worthy of happiness, I need to experience a sense of control over my existence. This requires that I be willing to take responsibility for my actions and the attainment of my goals. This means that I take responsibility for my life and well-being.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Self-responsibility is essential to self-esteem, and it is also a reflection or manifestation of self-esteem. The relationship between self-esteem and its pillars is always reciprocal. The practices that generate self-esteem are also natural expressions and consequences of self-esteem, as we shall discuss in a later chapter.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The practice of self-responsibility entails these realizations:</p>
<div class="calibre40">
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for the achievement of my desires.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for my choices and actions.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for my behavior with other people—coworkers, associates, customers, spouse, children, friends.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for how I prioritize my time.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for the quality of my communications.</p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for my personal happiness.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live.</p>
<p class="calibre41"> I am responsible for raising my self-esteem.</p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div>
<p class="calibre36">What does each of these items imply in terms of behavior?</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">The Action Implications of Self-Responsibility</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for the achievement of my desires</em>.</strong> No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes. I do not hold a mortgage on anyone else’s life or energy. If I have desires, it is up to me to discover how to satisfy them. I need to take responsibility for developing and implementing an action plan.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If my goals require the participation of other people, I must be responsible for knowing what they require of me if they are to cooperate and for providing whatever is my rational obligation to provide. I respect their self-interest and know that if I wish their cooperation or assistance, I must be conscious of it and speak to it.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">No one owes me the fulfillment of my wishes</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">If I am unwilling to take responsibility for the attainment of my desires, they are not really desires—they are merely daydreams. For any professed desire to be taken seriously, I must be prepared to answer, in realistic terms: <em class="calibre23">What am I willing to do to get what I want?</em></p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for my choices and actions</em></strong>. To be “responsible” in this context means responsible not as the recipient of moral blame or guilt, but responsible as the chief causal agent in my life and behavior. If my choices and actions are <em class="calibre23">mine</em>, then I am their source. I need to own this fact. I need to stay connected with it when I choose and act. What difference would that make? If you would like to discover the answer for yourself, write six endings, as fast as you can, for the stem <strong class="calibre6">If I take full responsibility for my choices and actions—</strong>.</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my work</em></strong>. This is an example of the point I just made about choice. No one else can possibly be accountable for the level of awareness I bring to my daily <a></a>activities. I can give my work the best I have to give, or I can seek to get away with as little consciousness as possible, or anywhere in between. If I stay connected with my responsibility in this area, I am more likely to operate at a high level of consciousness.</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for the level of consciousness I bring to my relationships</em></strong>. The principle just discussed applies equally to my interactions with others—to my choice of companions and to the awareness I bring or fail to bring to any encounter. Am I fully present in my encounters with others? Am I present to what is being said? Do I think about the implications of my statements? Do I notice how others are affected by what I say and do?</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for my behavior with other people—coworkers, associates, customers, spouse, children, friends</em></strong>. I am responsible for how I speak and how I listen. I am responsible for the promises I keep or fail to keep. I am responsible for the rationality or irrationality of my dealings. We evade responsibility when we try to blame others for our actions, as in “She’s driving me crazy,” “He pushes my buttons,” “I would act reasonably if only she would…”</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for how I prioritize my time</em></strong>. Whether the choices I make about the disposition of my time and energy reflect my professed values or are incongruous with them is my responsibility. If I insist that I love my family more than anyone yet am rarely alone with them and spend most of my leisure time playing cards or golf, always surrounded by friends, I need to confront my contradiction and think about its implications. If I declare that my most important task at work is finding new clients for the firm but spend 90 percent of my time bogged down in office trivia that produces very little income—I need to reexamine how I am investing my energy.</p>
<p class="calibre2">In my consulting work, when I give executives the stem <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for how I prioritize my time</strong>—I get endings such as “I would learn to say no more often”; “I would eliminate about 30 percent of my current activities”; “I’d be much more productive”; “I’d enjoy work more”; “I’d be appalled how out of control I’ve been”; “I’d actualize more of my potential.”</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for the quality of my communications</em></strong>. I am responsible for being as clear as I know how to be; for checking to see if the listener has understood me; for speaking loudly and distinctly enough to be heard; for the respect or disrespect with which I convey my thoughts.</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for my personal happiness</em>.</strong> One of the characteristics of immaturity is the belief that it is someone else’s job to make me <a></a>happy—much as it was once my parents’ job to keep me alive. If only someone would love me, then I would love myself. If only someone would take care of me, then I would be contented. If only someone would spare me the necessity of making decisions, then I would be carefree. If only someone would make me happy.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Here’s a simple but powerful stem to wake one up to reality: <strong class="calibre6">If I take full responsibility for my personal happiness</strong>—.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands. Ahead of taking this responsibility, I may imagine it will be a burden. What I discover is that it sets me free.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">Taking responsibility for my happiness is empowering. It places my life back in my own hands</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for accepting or choosing the values by which I live</em>.</strong> If I live by values I have accepted or adopted passively and unthinkingly, it is easy to imagine that they are just “my nature,” just “who I am,” and to avoid recognizing that choice is involved. If I am willing to recognize that choices and decisions are crucial when values are adopted, then I can take a fresh look at my values, question them, and if necessary revise them. Again, it is taking responsibility that sets me free.</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">I am responsible for raising my self-esteem</em>.</strong> Self-esteem is not a gift I can receive from someone else. It is generated from within. To wait passively for something to happen that will raise my self-esteem is to sentence myself to a life of frustration.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Once when I was lecturing to a group of psychotherapists on the six pillars of self-esteem, one of them asked me, “Why do you put your emphasis on what the individual must do to grow in self-esteem? Isn’t the source of self-esteem the fact that we are children of God?” I have encountered this question a number of times.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Whether one believes in a God, and whether one believes we are God’s children, is irrelevant to the issue of what self-esteem requires. Let us imagine that there is a God and that we are his/her/its children. In this respect, then, we are all equal. Does it follow that everyone is or should be equal in self-esteem, regardless of whether anyone lives consciously or unconsciously, responsibly or irresponsibly, honestly or dishonestly? Earlier in this book we saw that this is impossible. There is no way for our mind to avoid registering the choices we make in the way we operate <a></a>and no way for our sense of self to remain unaffected. If we are children of God, the questions remain: <em class="calibre23">What are we going to do about it? What are we going to make of it? Will we honor our gifts or betray them?</em> If we betray ourselves and our powers, if we live mindlessly, purposelessly, and without integrity, can we buy our way out, can we acquire self-esteem, by claiming to be God’s relatives? Do we imagine we can thus relieve ourselves of personal responsibility?</p>
<p class="calibre2">When people lack healthy self-esteem, they often identify self-esteem with being “loved.” If they did not feel loved by their families, sometimes they comfort themselves with the thought that God loves them, and they try to tie their self-esteem to this idea. With the best will in the world, how can we understand this strategy except as a manifestation of passivity?</p>
<p class="calibre2">I do not believe we are intended to remain dependent children. I believe we are intended to grow into adults, which means to become responsible for ourselves—to become self-supporting psychologically as well as financially. Whatever role a belief in God may play in our lives, surely it is not to justify a default on consciousness, responsibility, and integrity.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">A Clarification</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">In stressing that we need to take responsibility for our life and happiness, I am not suggesting that a person never suffers through accident or through the fault of others, or that a person is responsible for everything that may happen to him or her.</p>
<p class="calibre2">I do not support the grandiose notion that “I am responsible for every aspect of my existence and everything that befalls me.” Some things we have control over; others we do not. If I hold myself responsible for matters beyond my control, I put my self-esteem in jeopardy, since inevitably I will fail my expectations. If I deny responsibility for matters that are within my control, again I jeopardize my self-esteem. I need to know the difference between that which is up to me and that which is not. The only consciousness over which I have volitional control is my own.</p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Examples</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">It is easy enough in work situations to observe the difference between those who practice self-responsibility and those who do not. Self-responsibility shows up as an <em class="calibre23">active</em> orientation to work (and life) rather than a <em class="calibre23">passive</em> one.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If there is a problem, men and women who are self-responsible ask, “What can I do about it? What avenues of action are possible to me?” If something goes wrong, they ask, “What did I overlook? Where did I miscalculate? How can I correct the situation?” They do not protest, “But no one told me what to do!” or “But it’s not my job!” They indulge neither in alibis nor in blaming. They are typically <em class="calibre23">solution oriented</em>.</p>
<p class="calibre2">In every organization we encounter both types: those who wait for someone else to provide a solution and those who take responsibility for finding it. It is only by grace of the second type that organizations are able to operate effectively.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Here are examples from the personal realm, where sentence completion is used to illuminate:</p>
<div class="calibre40">
<p class="calibre41"> “If I were to give up blaming my parents for my unhappiness,” said a “child” of forty-six, “I’d have to take responsibility for my actions; I’d have to face the fact that I’ve always felt sorry for myself, and enjoyed it; I’d have to recognize that I still dream of being rescued by my father; I’d admit I like seeing myself as a victim; I’d have to act in new ways; I’d get out of my apartment and look for a job; I couldn’t just suffer.”</p>
<p class="calibre41"> “If I were to accept that I am responsible for my happiness,” said an older man who drank too much, “I’d stop complaining that my wife drives me to drink; I’d keep out of bars; I wouldn’t spend hours in front of the TV, blaming ‘the system’; I’d go to the gym and start getting in shape; I’d give my boss more for his money; I’d probably have to stop feeling sorry for myself; I don’t think I could go on abusing my body as I do now; I’d be a different person; I’d respect myself more; I could get my life moving again.”</p>
<p class="calibre41"> “If I take responsibility for my emotions,” said a woman who exhausted her family and friends with her complaining, “I wouldn’t be so depressed; I’d see how I often make myself miserable; I’d see how much rage I’m denying; I’d admit how much of my unhappiness is spite; I’d focus more often on the good things in my life; I’d realize I’m trying to make people feel sorry for me; I’d see I can be happy more often.”</p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">A Personal Example</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">In the overall conduct of my life, I would say that I have always operated at a fairly high level of self-responsibility. I did not look to others to provide for my needs or wants. But I can think of a time when I failed my own principles rather badly, with painful results.</p>
<p class="calibre2">In my twenties I formed an intense relationship with novelist-philosopher Ayn Rand. Over the course of eighteen years, our relationship passed through almost every form imaginable: from student and teacher to friends and colleagues to lovers and partners—and, ultimately, to adversaries. The story of this relationship is the dramatic centerpiece of <em class="calibre23">Judgment Day</em>. In the beginning and for some years, the relationship was nurturing, inspiring, valuable in many ways; I learned and grew enormously. But eventually it became constricting, toxic, destructive—a barrier to my further intellectual and psychological development.</p>
<p class="calibre2">I did not take the initiative and propose that our relationship be redefined and reconstituted on a different basis. I told myself I did not want to cause pain. I waited for her to see what I saw. I looked to her rationality and wisdom to reach the decision that would be right for both of us. In effect, I was relating to an abstraction, the author of <em class="calibre23">The Fountainhead</em> and <em class="calibre23">Atlas Shrugged</em>, rather than to the concrete woman in front of me. I did not confront the fact that her agenda was very different from mine and that she was totally absorbed in her own needs. I delayed facing the fact that nothing would change unless I made it change. And because I delayed, I caused suffering and humiliation to us both. I avoided a responsibility that was mine to take. No matter what explanations I gave myself, there was no way for my self-esteem to remain unaffected. Only when I began to take the initiative did I begin the process of regaining what I had lost.</p>
<p class="calibre2">We often see this pattern in marriages. One partner sees before the other that the relationship is finished. But he or she does not want to be “the bad guy,” the one to end things. So instead manipulation begins, to lead the other to make the first move. It is cruel, degrading, lacking in dignity, and hurtful to both people. It is self-demeaning and self-diminishing.</p>
<p class="calibre2">To the extent that I evade responsibility, I inflict wounds on my self-esteem. In accepting responsibility, I build self-esteem.</p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Productiveness</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">No one can be said to be living self-responsibly who has no productive purposes. Through work we support our existence. Through the exercise of our intelligence toward some useful ends, we become more fully human. Without productive goals and productive effort, we remain forever children.</p>
<p class="calibre2">True, we are limited by the opportunities that exist for us at a given place and time. But in any given context, the mark of independence and self-responsibility is the orientation that asks, “What actions are possible to me?” “What needs to be done?” “How can I improve my condition?” “How can I move beyond this impasse?” “What will be the best use of my energies in this situation?”</p>
<p class="calibre2">Self-responsibility is expressed through an <em class="calibre23">active</em> orientation to life. It is expressed through the understanding that no one is here on earth to spare us the necessity of independence, and through the understanding that without work, independence is impossible.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Thinking for Oneself</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Living actively entails independent thinking in contrast to passive conformity to the beliefs of others.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Independent thinking is a corollary both of living consciously and of self-responsibility. To live consciously is to live by the exercise of one’s own mind. To practice self-responsibility is to think for oneself.</p>
<p class="calibre2">A person cannot think through the mind of another. We learn from one another, to be sure, but knowledge implies understanding, not mere imitation or repetition. We can either exercise our own mind or else pass on to others the responsibility of knowledge and evaluation and accept their verdicts more or less uncritically. The choice we make is crucial for the way we experience ourselves as well as for the kind of life we create.</p>
<div class="calibre29"> </div><hr class="calibre37"/><p class="calibre38"><strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">Often what people call “thinking” is merely recycling the opinions of others</em>.</strong></p>
<hr class="calibre37"/><div class="calibre29"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">That we are sometimes influenced by others in ways we do not recognize does not alter the fact that there is a distinction between the psychology <a></a>of those who try to understand things, think for themselves, and judge for themselves, and those to whom such a possibility rarely occurs. What’s important here is intention, the nature of an individual’s goal.</p>
<p class="calibre2">To speak of “thinking independently” is useful because the redundancy has value in terms of emphasis. Often what people call “thinking” is merely recycling the opinions of others. So we can say that thinking independently—about our work, our relationships, the values that guide our life, the goals we set for ourselves—strengthens self-esteem. And healthy self-esteem results in a natural inclination to think independently.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">The Moral Principle</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Embracing self-responsibility not merely as a personal preference but as a philosophical principle entails one’s acceptance of a profoundly important moral idea. In taking responsibility for our own existence we implicitly recognize that other human beings are not our servants and do not exist for the satisfaction of our needs. We are not morally entitled to treat other human beings as means to our ends, just as we are not a means to theirs. As I have suggested above, a consistent application of the principle of self-responsibility implies the following rule of human relationships: <em class="calibre23">Never ask a person to act against his or her self-interest as he or she understands it</em>. If we wish people to take some action or provide some value, we are obliged to offer reasons that are meaningful and persuasive in terms of their interests and goals. This policy is the moral foundation of mutual respect, goodwill, and benevolence among human beings. It rejects the notion that some people may be treated as sacrificial fodder for the goals of others, which is the premise underlying all dictatorships and, for that matter, most political systems.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">Sentence Completions to Facilitate Self-Responsibility</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">In my therapy practice and my self-esteem groups, I work with a great number of sentence stems that allow clients to explore the psychology of self-responsibility. I offer a representative sampling below. The homework assignment would be broken up into weekly installments, as follows:</p>
<a></a><div class="calibre40">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 1</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">Self-responsibility to me means—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">At the thought of being responsible for my own existence—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I accepted responsibility for my own existence, that would mean—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">When I avoid responsibility for my own existence—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 2</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for the attainment of my own goals—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">When I avoid responsibility for the attainment of my goals—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I took more responsibility for the success of my relationships—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">Sometimes I keep myself passive by—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 3</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for what I do about the messages I received from my mother—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for what I do about the messages I received from my father—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for the ideas I accept or reject—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I bring greater awareness to the ideas that motivate me—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 4</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for my personal happiness—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I avoid responsibility for my personal happiness—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for my choice of companions—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">When I avoid responsibility for my choice of companions—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 5</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I accept 5 percent more responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">When I avoid responsibility for the words that come out of my mouth—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I bring greater awareness to the things I tell myself—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for the things I tell myself—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 6</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I make myself helpless when I—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I make myself depressed when I—</strong></p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I make myself anxious when I—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for making myself helpless—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 7</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for making myself depressed—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for making myself anxious—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">When I am ready to understand what I have been writing—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">It is not easy for me to admit that—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for my present standard of living—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre41"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 8</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I feel most self-responsible when I—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I feel least self-responsible when I—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I am not here on earth to live up to anyone else’s expectations—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If my life belongs to me—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div><div class="calibre44">
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6"><em class="calibre23">WEEK 9</em></strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I give up the lie of being unable to change—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If I take responsibility for what I make of my life from this point on—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">If no one is coming to rescue me—</strong></p>
<p class="calibre43"> <strong class="calibre6">I am becoming aware—</strong></p>
</div><div class="calibre42"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">The power of the method is that it generates shifts in the consciousness and orientation of the individual without lengthy “discussions” or “analyses.” The solution is largely generated from within.</p>
<p class="calibre2">If you keep a journal and over time write six to ten endings for each of these incomplete sentences, not only will you learn a great deal but it will be almost impossible not to grow in the practice of self-responsibility. The best way of working is to do the week’s stems Monday through Friday, then do the weekend stem <strong class="calibre6">If any of what I have been writing is true, it might be helpful if I</strong>—and then move on to the next week’s stem on Monday.</p>
<p class="calibre33"><span class="calibre5"><span class="calibre6"> <strong class="calibre6">No One Is Coming</strong></span></span></p><div class="calibre34"> </div>
<p class="calibre2">Having worked with people for so many years with the aim of building self-esteem, I have always been on the lookout for decisive moments in psychotherapy, instances when a “click” seems to occur in the client’s mind and new forward motion begins.</p>
<a></a>
<p class="calibre2">One of the most important of such moments is when the client grasps that <em class="calibre23">no one is coming</em>. No one is coming to save me; no one is coming to make life right for me; no one is coming to solve my problems. If I don’t do something, <em class="calibre23">nothing is going to get better</em>.</p>
<p class="calibre2">The dream of a rescuer who will deliver us may offer a kind of comfort, but it leaves us passive and powerless. We may feel <em class="calibre23">If only I suffer long enough, if only I yearn desperately enough, somehow a miracle will happen</em>, but this is the kind of self-deception one pays for with one’s life as it drains away into the abyss of unredeemable possibilities and irretrievable days, months, decades.</p>
<p class="calibre2">Some years ago, in my group therapy room, we hung on the wall a number of sayings that I often found useful in the course of my work. A client made me a gift of several of these sayings done in needlepoint, each with its own frame. One of these was “It isn’t what they think; it’s what you know.” Another was “No one is coming.”</p>
<p class="calibre2">One day a group member with a sense of humor challenged me about “No one is coming.”</p>
<p class="calibre2">“Nathaniel, it’s not true,” he said. “<em class="calibre23">You</em> came.”</p>
<p class="calibre2">“Correct,” I admitted, “but I came to say that no one is coming.”</p>
<p class="calibre2"><strong class="calibre6">The practice of self-responsibility is the third pillar of self-esteem.</strong></p>
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