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Welcome! Perhaps you're here for a small bit of insight into my state-of-mind? If so, continue on, my fair (faerie?) reader. If you landed here by chance, however, what's provided below is unlikely to be of any use, but I'll let you be the judge. Maybe.

EOF?

It's an initialism for "end of file," a software term that felt fit-for-purpose. EOF is a special termination value used to indicate to a reader that there is no more content and the input can be closed. This will effectively be my own life's terminator, or perhaps more of a coda. Unless there's an afterlife with git installed, it's unlikely I'll have more to say.

Be warned: this content isn’t necessarily going to give you any direct answers. It's merely a small peek behind the curtain, heavily skewed. I cannot prevent today's feelings from (mis)interpreting yesterday's memories. That said, every word written is my own and in the order I've chosen (the free will debate, notwithstanding). I intentionally avoided any help from grammar or AI tools to ensure the result is 100% me—for good or bad.

TL;DR

It's a tricky thing attempting to distill one's own life into a set of sentences, let alone a single word, but for me, the one thing I feel overwhelmingly is shame. I'm sure there have been good times, and I can even think of a few. Yet, every one has the feeling of veneer covering cheap particle board embarrassment. I am resplendent in masks of repression, cover-up, and artificial self-confidence (probably need to update linkedin).

My sincere hope is that the information I provide may help you achieve a small amount of empathy and understanding. In a perfect world, it might even lead you to forgiveness.

Regardless, I've attempted to avoid too much coloring—keeping it as raw and transparent as I can muster. Yet, it's all rebuilt, replayed, and reconstituted memory, which we know is extremely faulty. YMMV, IANAL, etc.

Hope!

Believe it or not, I have a lot of hope for the future. Not sure if this is a common feeling for folks in my situation, but it's true for me. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of concerns and things to be worried about, with lots of suffering, but in the full history of humankind, there are reasons for optimism—of all eras, this one is undeniably the best. Here are a few examples that come to mind:

  • Tolerance: Sure, there's a lot of rage in media and around the edges where folks are in the deep ends of their own echo chambers, but from a numbers perspective, it's a small percentage of the population. In general, most folks realize it's time to accept others and let everyone express their own identity in their own way. Though it is especially true of younger generations, it will be a huge change and one that'll take decades to complete for our heavily tribal brains—but it will happen. Live and let live.

  • Automation and AI: Change is never easy, but I firmly believe the advances in both will do far more good than evil. Most of what's expressed in the news comes from Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. I think automation and AI will lead society into more opportunities for folks to chase their own dreams, supported with basic income and other social systems that can reduce the inevitable friction. Might be a little on the utopian side of things, but I think aspects of it will eventually land. I seriously doubt we'll uncover sentient AI for a very long time (many decades).

  • Exploration: I absolutely love all the the things we're learning as we broaden our understanding of the far and near, sea and space. Seems like every week we uncover a new understanding of physics and our world. This type of thing always ends up improving our lives in unexpected ways and provides no end of horizons to seek.

  • Energy: Unlocking the fusion achievement in particular will undoubtedly transform lives, and recent advancements indicate it's no longer in the "another 50 years" camp. It's a matter of time, yes, but not inconceivable (shutup vizzini). On top of that, the ever-increasing efficiency for harnessing the sun blows my mind regularly.

So…why?

In some ways, I ended up painting myself into a corner, and in others, it comes down to pure laziness. As with most folks in this kind of situation, I feel like I'm at a point where there isn't anything more I need to accomplish. No, I haven't done anything worthy or of note, and outside of the embarrassment factor of knowing my participation in this novel thing called "consciousness" has been negligible, my lack of impact is not unexpected (statistics is the harsh mistress, Mr. Heinlein, not the moon, so grok that!). From a finite resources perspective, it seems like my best option is to release this collection of atoms back into the universe and let them participate in other experiments.

For what it's worth, I did expect to stick around a little bit longer than this, but too many events have occurred in the last six months that indicate my time is up. I had hoped to explore more western wilderness, but between problems with my health and my truck, it seems imprudent to assume those trips wouldn't end up in a situation requiring folks wasting their time recovering one of us. As I've mentioned, I've got plenty of shame built up; don't need more of it. And sure, I can hear you saying, why not just spend some time working through those issues? I have tried on both fronts, perhaps not to the extent I should, but to the point of diminishing returns from my perspective. It's just throwing more good money after bad. Time to let someone else leverage my resources for better ends.

This isn't some last minute kind of thing, either. I've been considering this quite carefully for several years and have been lining up various factors in order to limit its impact on others. I've been carefully distancing myself without raising any red flags, and I think I've been pretty successful. You might look back with your fancy 20/20 hindsight and find clues that could've tipped you off. If you're one of those folks that tends to kick yourself thinking you could've changed my mind for one reason or another "if only you'd known," please try to hear me when I say, it's extremely unlikely. I've spent a lot of time thinking this through. I'm not even all that sad about the choice—in some ways, I'm looking forward to it. Who knows? Maybe I'll get to see the Nebuchadnezzar!

But why, you say. What led to this? ¯\(ツ)/¯ Dunno how to answer that with anything less than "everything." From what I recall, it starts out with the dice throw of birth into a typical Catholic upbringing in the 70s and 80s, with weird and deeply embarrassing memories around formative situations with childhood friends and one particular priest. Plenty of disappointing participation in sports and music. Significant kinds of experimentation along with minor drug/alcohol abuse followed in the later 80s through the 90s. Pretty typical adulting from there: marriage, kid, divorce, job-after-job-after-job. Looking back, it all feels like unguided happenstance with little thought toward long-term goals. Only clear positive I can point to is my kiddo—despite everything I've done to fuck that up.

I'm not blaming anyone or anything, here, so don't go trying to read between the lines too much. I'm using some very broad strokes at key events leading up to this point. I'm not comfortable getting more detailed than that, so take it all with a big grain of salt and understand I carry a fair amount of blame, myself. There wasn't anything stopping me from trying to work through this crap. I'm just not someone that has learned how to accept help. From my perspective, it exposes how weak I am. I know I'm a coward, but I certainly don't want you to find out!

Until now, of course.

Final Thoughts

Apologies for such a manifesto-esque dump. I had hoped this would be short-and-sweet. Oh well. Hopefully this helped. I do appreciate having your attention this one last time, so thanks for sticking around, and for folks I've known, friends, and family: most of you are pretty damn awesome. I reserve the right to judge everyone else later, once I learn more.

If you're the kind of person that would like to do something on my behalf, I'd ask that you try to reduce the amount of suffering you may be causing animals and/or contributing something to Cocoon House. And, if you or someone you know needs help, you can try 988 Lifeline.

Give your loved ones a hug from me—it'll be a huge surprise for anyone that knows me! Perhaps with a little goose to spice it up? ;-)

Need the answer to life, the universe, and everything? The number 42 is community. You need to have folks you trust that are interested in sharing your experience. Sounds simple, and yet: the devil's in the pudding—check for botulism!


^d