socialEngineering.txt

*Social engineering*

How to win friends and influence people
    Find below some pointers on how to behave when addressing a conversation with someone. So far, mostly extracted from the book: How to make friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie.

    **Do no criticize, condemn or complain**; it makes you look bad. To teach something to someone, **punishment for bad behavior works worse than reward for good one**. Incentivize people. I.E a pilot almost dies because a mechanic used the wrong fuel for the plane. Instead of being mad at him, he tells the mechanic to service again the plane for tomorrow, that he is sure that it won't happen again.

    People desire to be great and important. **Give honest sincere appreciation**. It has to be honest otherwise people will notice. Appreciate and encourage people so that they feel better. **Mention his name during the conversation**, will make them feel important and will help you remember it. To make someone like you instantly, **tell something nice that you truly like about him**, something that you admire, it has, to be honest, sincere like a hair cut, shirt, ask about it.

    Smile when meeting / talking to someone, **be grateful**.
        Focus on what they want and need. Talk in terms of other people interests.
    If there is any one secret of success, is getting **other people point of view and see things from that person's angle** as well as from your own.

    Be an interested, honest, passionate listener.

    Do not interrupt if you get an idea when someone else is talking.

    **Encourage others to talk about themselves**. Always make the other person feel important.

    **Ask questions that they will enjoy answering**. Find out what their passion is and talk and ask questions about it.

    **A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still**. Never argue with someone even if you are right, you will make the other person feel bad. If you are right, then you have nothing to win.

    How to address an argument:
        Distrust your first reaction and analyze carefully the situation.
        Control your temper, be friendly.
        Listen first to the other people's point of view.
        Look for areas of agreement.
        Be honest look for areas where you thought wrong and accept their point.
        Tell them that you will think about the other points.
        Thank your opponent for their sincere points and postpone a meeting for another day.
        When you win an argument you just other peoples feelings. Don't say I am going to prove this and that, it seems you are saying you are smarter than them. Galileo said: You can not teach a man anything, you can help him to find it within himself.
        **Avoid telling people they are wrong**, when listening to someone do not judge as a first reaction, but instead try to understand him and empathize.
        **Accept your mistakes, criticize yourself**: If you did something wrong, they are more likely to forget it and forgive you.

    I.E: if you want your rent reduced rather than complaining and insulting the landlord tell him how much you like the apartment and tell him that you can not afford it anymore.

    **Avoid saying the word no**. Find points of agreement. Agree on the purpose if you don't agree on the method.

    **You have to make people say yes**, keep open attitude for our ultimate purpose.

    **Talk in terms of other people best interests**. Look at things from other people point of view, agree to view him and then change his mind by making him agree on you.

    **Put on other people's shoes**, how would I react if I were him?

    **Always exaggerate your guilt** tell how mad the other person must feel; that there is no excuse etc.

    Say I don't blame you for how you feel, If I were you I would feel exactly the same.

    To make people more efficient, simulate competition. I.E two shifts competing with each other to produce more, etc The desire of self-improvement to be challenged and to feel that you are worth, to the game and do interesting work makes people more efficient

    If you need something out of somebody begin with an honWest appreciation.

    **Call attention on people's mistakes indirectly**: To criticize people avoid using the word 'but'. I.E I like this but you should change that. Try saying instead I like this and if you continue working like this you will improve that. If the workers leave the garden dirty, clean it and pile all the trash on one side and call them telling that you are very happy with how they left it. The next morning they will leave it clean.

    Do not give orders to people, **make suggestions about how you would do something**, ask them if this approach would work, maybe it would be better if... etc That way they will save their pride and they will be more cooperative.

    Praise every improvement someone does, they will be happy you do so.


The Compound Effect
    **Have healthy habits**, it might take you years to achieve your goals but doing 10 actions a day towards that will help you to achieve it. The opposite for unhealthy habits (TV, fast food, etc..). Have exceptions but get a healthy routine.
    **Take ownership of your failures**: no matter what happens to you, take responsibility for it. You are freed by your choices.

    **Track actions taken to achieve or to fail a goal**: It helps to focus on the problem and makes you aware of those actions.

    Invest early: Compound effect will make your money grow. Every dollar you spend and not invest is 5-10 dollars you lose in 10 years time.

    Replace bad behavior habits with healthier ones. Identify them first. For example, drink carbonated water instead of cola. Find money you waste every month (Netflix, insurance, Starbucks), does it really give you happiness? Change the habit.

    **What motivates you is the ignition of your passion**. You need to identify what you want to achieve to make a difference this time and not fail like the other ones. The power of why makes you stick to the habits. Otherwise, you will revert to sleepwalking through poor choices

    **Taking actions that align with your core values will make you happy**. If you hang out with people with different values you won't we happy.

*Goals = choice + behaviour(action) + habit(repeat) + compounded(time)*

    Identify behaviors leading to that goal and the ones blocking you from achieving it. People fit have good gym habits, people thin have good food habits, etc...

    Monitor how much time you spend watching tv, reading the news etc and change habits. News tend to be negative and depressing, avoid     spending too much time on them.

    If you tell friends or people about your goals and tracking you are more likely to commit to them due to social pressure

    Competition also helps to stick to the habits, get your friends or coworkers to work with you


You are a BadAss

    You need to stop wanting to do something and start doing something about it

    And the day come when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom

    If you want to live a life you've never lived, you have to do things you've never done.

    Most people are living in an illusion based on someone else's beliefs. You have been raised by your family and your thinking is influenced by it, society has many expectations that are not necessarily going to give you happiness.

    (not such a good book, gave up on it).


Happiness
*Happiness = Health + Wealth + Wisdom*

*Health = Exercise + Diet + Sleep
    Exercise = High Intensity Training + Cardio + Regularity
    Diet = Natural Foods + Occasional Fasting + Plants
    Sleep = 7-9 Hours of Sleep + Circadian Rhythm*

*Wealth = Savings + Investments + Assets
    Savings = 10-20% Monthly Income * ROI
    Investments = 10-20% Monthly Income * ROI
    Assets = Estate Property + Intellectual Property + Skills*

*Wisdom = Knowledge + Experience + Tranquility
    Knowledge = Books + Lateral Thinking + Intellectual Curiosity
    Experience = Travel + Friends + Get out of comfort zone
    Tranquility = Self-control + Introspection + Perspective*

    Habits to change
        When you want to go shopping, go decluttering instead.
        When you want to eat garbage, eat green things instead.
        When you want to stay up late watching tv, go to sleep instead.
        When you want to argue with strangers on the internet, create something instead.
        When you want to look at social media, read a book instead.

    Good habits
        don't judge
        slow down
        pay attention
        be kind
        mediate
        sleep
        eat well
        laugh often
        breath consciously
        pamper yourself
        don't worry
        choose time over money

    Free time management
        The key to time management is prioritization
        I don't have time = it's not a priority
        Stop deleting emails, do first what matters, run a todo list
        Prioritize

    Personal Growth
        Passive Income
        Learn a new skill
        Discover a new place
        Have good friends, be close to them, help them.
        Meet someone new
        Be fit

    75 years study on happiness found:
        People living in a marriage without affection had worse health, unhappiness and died younger
        People more satisfied with their relationships in the 50s, where healthier in the 90s.
        People in bad relationships reported more pain in bad days.
        People who feel can count on their partners have sharper memory when they get older.
        People happiest in retirement, were the ones that worked had actively worked to replace workmates with friends.

    Alternate learning zone and performance zone
        **Learning zone** goal is to improve, concentrate on things we have not mastered, mistakes are expected. Maximizes growth. Good for long run.  Try out new strategies, ask questions,
        **Performance zone** do as best as we can, activities for execution, concentrate on activities we have mastered.

    Pillars of meaning
        **Seeking happiness causes unhappiness** Having the perfect job, boyfriend and apartment won't bring happiness
        **Belonging** being in relationships were you are valued for what you are or believe.
        **Find purpose** Use your strength to help others (maybe through work). You need something worthwhile to do, you need something to drive you forward,
        **Transcendence** experiences that make you loose sense of time (maybe programming)
        **Story telling** Creating a narrative of events of your life helps you to find purpose growth and purpose

    Things to avoid:
        Do not say 'like'
        Do not apologize for everything
        Do not eat too quick
        Do not focus conversations on you
        Do not talk too loud
        Do not interrupt people
        No nail biting

    What is you grandmother's name? You probably don't even know. In two generations no one will remember anything about you. Your actions do not matter in grand scheme of things. Stop worrying about what people will think or what is social acceptable, do what you want to do before it's too late.

Productivity & Life Strategies
    **Sleep at the same time every night** This habit enable you to fall asleep faster and wake up at the same time like clockwork, all subconsciously.

    **Do the most difficult thing first** Either the start of your day, the beginning of a project. After completing this task, you'll have not only done something meaningful with your day but you'll feel the momentum carry through to other tasks.

    **Replace common and recurring decisions with routines** You really don't need to expend mental energy picking an outfit, deciding on breakfast, thinking about when you should go to the gym. All of this keeps happening and the faster you commit to pre-selecting a single/few time slots or options, and sticking to them, the more mentally clear and swift you'll become with making decisions.

    **Avoid starting and stopping to eliminate your administrative overhead** When you stop a task to answer an email, help someone with something, or check notifications, you disrupt or completely avoid getting into deep work. Instead, designated a time to deal with all the ‘admin' stuff on your time, not someone else's.

    **Write down mistakes and lessons learned** We almost always repeat our mistakes, it's too hard to remember the lessons we thought we learned. Writing them down and revisiting them helps us etch them into our memory.

    **Design your environment to serve you** Whether this is cleaning your office, eliminating distractions, getting rid of bad influences, or surrounding yourself with like minded people. Designing your environment to push yourself in the direction you desire will have a disproportionately positive effect on your success, because of how easy it is to implement.

    **Identify and mentally label the credible people around you** It's hard to decipher constructive criticism from noise, if you have this list and keep it up to date, you'll have a much easier time in trusting opinions and getting honest feedback.

    **If it takes less than a few minutes to do, just do it** We procrastinate on many small things, that when they pile up, it becomes an actual problem. This rule doesn't mean disrupting deep work; that's a form of procrastination in itself. It means that when you aren't, you can bundle a few tasks together and be done with it in less than 10–15 minutes. Dishes out of the dishwasher, bed made, floor swept, call returned. It's easy and will leave a clean mental state for future you.

    **Have an overarching goal for the day** Each night, write one down for the next day. If you complete this, it was a successful day.

    **Bundle your social media distractions** Similar to designating hours for tasks like emails. If you designate a time in the day to consume Instagram, Facebook and Twitter, you'll be less distracted by every notification that comes in. An experiment I conducted earlier last year was to delete every social media app from my phone that had a desktop alternative, this worked quite nicely albeit less convenient. I now use well-being features available in the latest iOS and Android updates.

    **Make your communications clear and concise**Especially being true for emails. Dot points are a life saver and allow people to quickly decipher what's being said or requested. Beating around the bush or being overtly kind never helps. Conveying urgency, being firm and clear will get things done faster than going back and forth until the email chain is 30 emails long.

    **Dopamine**: Is the chemical of 'I want more of' I.E when eating chocolate you think about eating more and more not the pleasure of eating it.
    **Serotonin**: Is the chemical of 'enjoy doing' I.E spending time with your family.


Others
    **Lemons market** The buyers know more about the product than the buyer (like used cars), the cheaper product wins.
    When you buy something you are giving up something else (I.E earlier retirement). The happiness of buying something is usually less than not doing it and.
    **Social approval indicator** Let you think that people is taking about you without actually doing it.
    **Bad is stronger than good** we get more pain from losing 1k than good for winning 1k. Called negativity bias
    Bad emotions are contagious; do not escalate discussions


    **Decision making**: Don't do **binary decisions** but explore all the possibilitiesTry to predict what will happen if you do that; tell stories about what could happen, how thing would be better; worse and weird.
    If it doesn't matter in 5 years, it does not matter now.
    Lean to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story. You have nothing to prove to anyone.
    When you realize how unimportant you are to 99.99999% of the people, their judgment losses weight. They aren't worried about you, they have their own shit.
    Let me fall if I must fall. The one I will become will catch me.
    Everything you want is on the other side of fear
    I used to talk in a room and wonder if the liked me. Now I look around and wonder if I like them.
    **Conscientious people are the ones that age better**: They will go to the doctor when they are asked, They will take their medication, They will build a pension plan, etc...
    There is no such thing as **social classes**: only people financially
    free and not.
    You **enjoy trips
    three times**: planning it, doing it, and remembering it. There is no
    depreciation, good memories revalue.
    Don't give up your preferences
    to meet other people expectations. It's not a good strategy.

Awaken the Giant within
    The hardest step in achieving anything is **making a true commitment**.
    The most **successful people make decisions quickly** because they are clear on their values and what they want.
    The **more decisions you make** the better you're going to become at making them.
    Learn from your decisions. **Failure is necessary** and we can learn from it.
    **Make More decisions to learn and make better ones** in the future. Decision making gets better the more you do it.
    Stay committed to your ideas but with a flexible approach.
    Enjoy making decisions, decisions you make might change the course of your life forever.
    Everything people do is to avoid pain or to get pleasure.
    Do not try to change your behavior, understand it to take better decisions.
    Sometimes you know you should do something but you don't because it will bring temporary pain until not taking action is more painful than taking it. This is the **emotional threshold**.
    A man who suffers before it's necessary suffers more than it's necessary.
    The **secret of success is learning how to use pain and pleasure instead of having pain and pleasure use you**. If you do that, you're in control of your life. If you don't, life controls you.
    We are driven to avoid pain and to get pleasure, find out what motivates you, what brings you joy and focus your objectives on that. For instance, drug addicts link pleasure to drugs, Donald Trump to be more powerful, and Mother Teresa to help others. They are driven by this. Think what is pain and please experiences that shaped your life.
    We make neuro-associations of pain and pleasure. For instance, seeing a drunk family member when you are young will make you not want to try alcohol. You can use these experiences to shape and teach your children.
    We are not driven much by what we intellectually know but by what we learned to link pain and pleasure to.
    Put aside passing moments of terror and temptation, and focus on what's most important in he long term, your values and personal standards
    Look for a mentor in each aspect of life: relationships, finances, health etc someone with more experience.
    There are three things we can control in our life: what we focus on, what things mean and what to do in spite of our challenges.


The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
    Our culture is obsessively focused on **unrealistically positive expectations**: be richer, happier, healthier, smarter, perfect job, more popular, more admired...
    All self-help guidance is fixation on what you lack.
    **The smallest dog barks the loudest**: A confident man does not need to prove that he's confident. A rich woman does not need to convince anyone that she is rich. If you dream about something all the time you reinforce the same unconscious reality: you are not that.
    The world is constantly telling us to buy more, be more, make more, own more, etc
    The key to a good life is not giving a fuck about more, it's giving a fuck about less, only about what is try and immediate and important.
    Everyone has flat TV, expensive phone, even groceries delivered. **Our crisis is no longer material but existential**. there are infinite amount of things we can now see and any number of ways we can discover that we don't measure up.
    The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience.
    The acceptance of one's negative experience is itself a positive experience
    The richer you want to be the poorer you become, the sexier you want to be the uglier you feel.
    The less you care about something the better you will become at it.
    Not giving a fuck is to stare at life's terrifying challenges and take action.
    The moments of non-fucker are the moments that most define our lives: switch in careers, dropping out of college, join a rock band, dump your girlfriend... **Not giving a fuck is to stare life's most terrifying challenges and take action**.
    You have to learn to pick what matters to you based on your values and focus on that.
    You must give a fuck about something, it's in our biology.
    If you find yourself consistently giving too many fucks about trivial shit such as mouse batteries dying too quickly, your ex profile picture, etc.. It's because you don't have much going on in your life to give a legitimate fuck about and that is your real problem. If you have no problems, the mind finds a way to invent some.
    Maturity is learning to give a fuck about what's truly fuckworthy.
    Accept life, care about family, friends and personal goals.
    Problems never stop, they just get upgraded/changed: Happiness comes from solving problems. If you avoid them, then you're going to make yourself miserable. If you feel you can't solve your problems you will feel miserable. The secret is to learn how to solve the problems.
    Nobody actually happy has to stand in front of a mirror and tell himself that he's happy. Do not deny your problems or concerns. Exercises that make you feel good short term are useless and generate addiction.
    What pain do you want to sustain? A path to happiness is a path of shitheaps and shame.
    Who you are is defined by what you're willing to struggle for. If you enjoy the struggles of a gym, you can run triathlons. You can't win if you don't play.
    A true measure of self-worth is not how a person feels about her positive experiences, but about negative ones. A person with high self-worth can look at himself and say: Yes, sometimes I am irresponsible with money, and I should improve it. Entitled people are incapable of acknowledging their problems and are left chasing high after high accumulating deny, until reality hits.
    Because of the Internet, TV and social media, we think that **exceptionalism is the new normal**. Because of the people is average, we feel insecure and not good enough. We cope with this either with self-aggrandizing or other-aggrandizing (get rich quick scheme, saving starving babies in Africa, getting good marks, having sex with everyone...).
    Technology and mass marketing is screwing up people's expectations of themselves, there is a culture of exceptionalism.
    Your actions don't matter that much in the grand scheme of things, your life will be not noteworthy and that is ok.
    You should find appreciation for ordinary things: simple friendship, creating something, helping a person in need, reading a book, laughing with someone you care...
    Suffering is inevitable, problems of life are unavoidable, but you can choose what to suffer about. There was a Japanese soldier that was told to defend a jungle, he did not know the war had finished and continued killing civilians for 20 years after the war. He was told after that and came back to Japan. He was eating worms in the jungle for 20 years but happy to fight for a greater cause. When he came back society was just nerds and he got depressed. Another guy went to look for the Yeti and died but was happy to do something meaningful.
    The onion of self-awareness
        First layer: Understanding one's emotions. This is when I feel happy, this makes me feel sad, this gives me hope. Expressing emotions and understand them is difficult.
        Second layer: Ask why we feel certain emotions. Why do I feel angry? Is it because I failed to achieve a goal? Why people feel uninspired? They illuminate what we consider success or failure.
        Third level: Personal values, Why do I consider this to be a success/failure? How I am choosing to measure myself? What standard I am measuring myself and people around me? (very difficult to do). These values determine the nature of our problems and the quality of our life. Why do you feel the need to be rich in the first place? If people are unhappy is because of a particular value and not the fact they don't drive a Bentley.
    Honest self-questioning is difficult. It requires asking yourself simple questions that are uncomfortable to answer. Think about what is bugging you, then why. Chances are it is a failure of some sort. Then take that failure and ask why it seems true to you. Has it been a failure? Maybe you are looking at it the wrong way: Maybe I don't need to be close to my brother to have a good relationship that I value. Maybe just mutual respect and mutual trust. Maybe these metrics are better than how many text messages do we exchange. Not having a close relationship is fine. We get to control what our problems mean based on how we choose to think about them and measure them.
    Comparing ourselves with others rather than without standards it's a mistake and will make us unhappy (I.E Dave Mustaine vs Metallica and the Beattle that got kicked and happy with his family).
    If you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and how you measure success and failure.
    Shitty values
        **Pleasure**: Pleasure is a horrible value to prioritize. People who focus their energy on superficial pleasures end up more anxious, more emotionally unstable and depressed.
        **Material success**: Some people measure their success on how much money they make, what car they drive or if the front lawn is greener and prettier than next door. Once basic physical needs are provided, the correlation between happiness and worldly success approaches to zero. Prioritizing material success over other values, such as honesty, nonviolence, compassion is a mistake.
        **Always being right**: Our brains are inefficient machines. We constantly make poor assumptions, misjudge, misremember facts, make decisions based on emotional whims. We are wrong pretty much constantly. If your metric for success is being right, it will prevent you from learning from your mistakes, empathize with others. It is more helpful to assume that you're ignorant and don't know a lot. This keeps you unattached to superstitious or poorly informed beliefs and promotes constant state of learning and growth.
        **Staying positive** There are people who measure their lives by the ability to be positive about everything (lost job, parent dead, husband cheated, etc...) Sometimes life sucks and it's ok to admit it. Constant positivity is a form of avoidance, not a solution of life's problems. Things go wrong, people upset us and accidents happen. This makes us feel bad and it's ok. Negative emotions are a necessary component of emotional health, deny negativity is to perpetuate problems rather than solving them. We need to express problems in a socially acceptable manner and in a way that aligns with our values.
    Completing a marathon, raising a child or starting a business with our friends is going to give us lot's of problems to solve, but much more meaning and happiness in the long term than buying a new PC, finishing a video game, eating chocolate, etc...
    "One day, in retrospect, th years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful" by Freud.
    Pleasure, material success, always being right and positiveness are poor ideas for a person's life. Some of the best moments of one's life are not pleasant, not material, not successful, not known and not positive.
    The points to nail down some good values and metrics. Pleasure and success will naturally emerge as a result.

    **Defining good values**
        Good values are reality based, socially constructive, immediate and controllable.
        Bad values are superstitious, socially destructive and not immediate or controllable.
        For example: Honest is a good value (it's something you have complete control over, it reflects reality and benefits others even if it is unpleasant). Popularity is a bad value. If being the most popular in the dance is important, much of what happens will be out of control (you don't know who else is in the party, or who they are. The metric is not real, you feel popular/unpopular but you don't know what other people think.
        Examples of healthy values: honesty, innovation, vulnerability, standing up for oneself or others, self-respect, curiosity, charity, humility, creativity. These values can be achieved internally. Bad values rely on external events.
        Everyone wants a private jet, the question is your priorities and what influences your decisions making. I.E Hiroo Onoda's loyalty to Japanese empire.
        This is **what self improvement is about**, prioritizing better values choosing better things to give a fuck about. Better problems mean better life.

    We are always taking an active role in what's occurring to and within us, interpreting the meaning of every moment and occurrence. We are always choosing what values we live and metrics by which we measure everything that happens to us.
    **Accepting responsibility for our problems is the first step to solve them**. I.E. A man is too short. Even though he is intelligent, interesting and good looking. Because he thinks he is too short, we does not go out and does not try to meet women. This is a crappy value: Not being tall enough. A better value would have been I want to date women who like me for who I am.

    We are responsible for experiences that aren't our fault all the time, this is part of life. We need to take responsibility of our own emotions. Blaming other for how you feel will only hurt yourself.
    **Victimhood Chic**: The responsibility/fault fallacy allow people to pass off the responsibility for solving their problems to others. This gives a temporary high blaming other people and a feeling of moral righteousness.
    **Outrage porn**: Rather than reporting real stories of real problems, the media finds a problem mildly offensive, broadcasts it to some audience, generate outrage, then broadcast that outrage back to the population to outrage another part of the population. This triggers an echo of bullshit pinging back and forth between two imaginary sides, distracting everyone from real problems.

    People gets addicted to feeling offended all the time because it gives them a high, self-righteous and morally superior feeling.

    Our values are imperfect and incomplete. This openness to being wrong must exist for real change or growth to take place.



Sharpen the saw
    Working smarter, not harder: Besides allowing you to get more done, regularly making time to take care of yourself also increases your sense of agency and effectiveness.
    When it comes to our personal lives, we should focus on four domains: physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional.
    All of these dimensions are interconnected. If we feel good physically, we have mental clarity and better control of our emotions. If our social life is good, we'll have more motivation and energy to take care of ourselves physically. And because these human domains are interconnected, it allows us to synergize them which will enable you to do more in less time (more on that below).


The Compound Effect
    **Routines** are important. Soldiers are trained with routines, so even with the imminent threat of death, they can carry out their duties with precision in the middle of the chaos of combat.

    Get used to **journaling**, summarize what you achieved at the end of the day, what went well and not so well, any ideas you had or thoughts, what is worth doing tomorrow.

    Doing the same things week after week will stop showing compounded results (i.e. change workout) mix it up, challenge yourself in new ways.

    Consider adding more adventure to your life: eating different kinds of food, taking a class, visiting a new place, meet new people helps you feel alive.

    You should design your morning and evening routines in a journal.

    Pick 3 things you are not satisfied with your life and you want to improve, write 20 actions you could do to improve them.

    You are 100% responsible for your life and your choices.

    Your brain is not designed to make you happy. Your brain has only one agenda in mind: survival. It is designed to seek out negative resources. Avoid watching the news. You should protect what you feed to your mind.

    Commercials are designed to make you feel bad about yourself unless you buy things you don't need.

    **News and magazines have no bearing in your personal life and goals**, dreams or ambitions. Use RSS or twitter to filter what you care.

    People who you usually associate are called reference group. A lot of your success is determined by them. We become the combined average of the five people we hang around the most. The people whom we spend our time determine what conversations dominate our attention and opinions we are exposed, our ambitions, our habits, etc...

    To improve in an area, you can find an accountability partner who tries to achieve the same goals, to share the pain and motivate each other. Or find a mentor and have a weekly call of 30 mins.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
    **Overview**. We have two mental maps, the map that shows how we see things and the one that shows how things should be. When we describe what we see, we in effect describe how we see ourselves, our perceptions and our paradigms. When someone disagrees with us, we think something is wrong with them. Each looks through the unique lens of experience.
    Principles are guidelines for human conduct, values are maps that people decide to use for guidance.
    Admission of ignorance is the first step in our education.
    **Habit** is the intersection of knowledge, skill, and desire. This is what to do, how to do it and wanting to do it. You need the three.
    Happiness can be defined as the fruit of the desire and ability to sacrifice what we want now for what we want eventually.
    The following habits are aimed at improving efficiency to maximize long term benefit and growth.
    **p** is production and **p/c** production capability. You need to find and keep an **optimal P/PC balance** for efficiency growth.
    Our most important financial asset is our own capacity to earn. Invest in improving your p/c.
    P/PC can be seen in software development as technical debt.
    **Habit 1: Be proactive**. Self-awareness is the ability to think about your thought process. It enables us to examine the way we see ourselves and others.
    A lot of what we are is determined by three factors: **genetic determinism** determined in our DNA, **psychic determinism** or childhood friends and parents, and **environmental determinism** which is your spouse, boss, and economic situation.
    Proactively is taking initiative, being responsible for our own lives, making things happen.
    Reactive people is affected by weather, they build their emotional lives around the behaviour of others, empowering the weaknesses of others to control them. They are driven by feelings, circumstances and affected by their environment.
    Proactive people are driven by values carefully thought about, selected and internalized. Proactive people is still influenced by external stimuli but their response is value-based.
    Gandhi: They can not take away our self respect if we don't give it to them.
    It is not what happens to us that hurts us, but our response.
    Proactive people focus their efforts in the **Circle of influence**. They work on the things they can do something about.
    Reactive people focus their efforts on their **Circe of concern**: on the weaknesses of other people, problems in the environment, and circumstances you cannot control, victimization, reactive language.
    Problems can be classified in three categories: **Direct control** problems: they involve our own behaviour and we can solve them by working on our habits. **Indirect control** problems: involve other people's behaviour and you can fix by changing our methods of influence, and **No control** problems which we can not do anything about, like past situations, which we have to smile and learn to live with them.
    The **have's** and **be's**: The circle of concern is filled with the have's (I'll be happy when I have my house paid off, if I had a more patient husband, if I had more free time...). The circle of influence is filled with be's: I can be more patient, wiser, be more loving.
    Every time we think the problem is out there, that thought is the problem. We empower what's out there to control us.
    We are totally free to choose our actions, but not the consequences of those. The proactive approach is to immediately acknowledge **mistakes**, learn from those and correct it in the future. Reactive people will justify it, deceive it and rationalize it to self and others, giving it disproportionate importance, causing deeper injury to self and others.
    The response to any mistake affects the quality of the next movement. It is important to admit it and correct it quickly so it does not have power on the next movement and we are empowered again.
    The **commitments** we make and the integrity to those is the essence and clearest manifestation of our proactivity.
    The power to make and keep commitments to ourselves is the essence of developing the basic habits of effectiveness.
    We are responsible for our own effectiveness, happiness, and most of our circumstances.

    **Habit 2: Begin with the end in mind**
    If this were your funeral and your relatives and friends where making a speech, what'd you like them to say? what type of person would you like their words to reflect? what character would you like them to have seen in you? what achievements? what to remember?
    If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, very step we take gets us to the wrong place faster.
    **Personal mission statement** or philosophy or creed. It focuses on what you want to be (character) and to do (achievements) and values or principles  in which those are based. Example
    Succeed at home first. Never compromise with honesty. Hear both sides before judging. Defend those who are absent. Be sincere and decisive. Develop a new proficiency every year. Plan tomorrow's work today. Keep sense of humor. Be orderly in person and at work. Do not fear mistakes. Maintain positive attitude. I will try to keep myself free from addictive and destructive habits. Money will be my servant not my master. Seek FI. Use money to make life more enjoyable.
    People have **centers** in which people focuses: **Spouse**, **Family**: growth from family traditions. **Money**: economic security. **Work**: workaholics sacrifice other things in life. **Possession**: physical but also intangible like fame glory. **Pleasure**: we live in a world where instant gratification is available and encouraged. **Friend enemy**: belonging to a peer group. **Church**. **Self centeredness**.

    **Habit 3: But first things first**
    Effective time management if putting first things first. Leadership decides what first things are, management puts them first.
    **Time management matrix**: an activity can be defined in terms of **urgent** and **important**.
    Urgent things act on us (a phone ringing), they press on us, insist on action, easy to do. Often they are also unimportant.
    Important things will involve results and are related to your mission, values and high priority goals.
    We **react** to urgent matters. Important matters require initiative and proactivity.
    **Quadrant 1** are tasks urgent and important (putting out fires). They drive our lives. We want to reduce those. They lead to stress, burnout. It is important to correctly categorize the tasks from Q1 and Q3 (not important).
    **Quadrant 2** is the heart of effective time management. It deals with things that are not urgent but important. I.E building relationships, writing a personal mission statement, exercising, preventive maintenance. What things could you do regularly that would have a tremendous positive difference in your life? Also, spending time on preventing activities in Q2 will also reduce tasks of Q1.
    You need to plan the activities of Q2 according to your values and mission statement. This will cause natural inclination towards doing those and not spending time on Q3 and Q4.
    Activities in Q2 increase your production and production capability.
    Your planning methodology should take into account: **Coherence** with your mission statement, roles, goals, desires and discipline. **Balance**: in your life, to not neglect important areas or roles. Think about two goals you want to achieve for each role. **Q2 focus**: Your methodology should move you into Q2. **Flexibility**: your planning tool should adapt to you. If should be **portable**
    Organize on weekly basis.
    Do not prioritize what's in your schedule but schedule your priorities.
    Emotional Bank account is a metaphor that describes the amount of trust that's been built up in a relationship.
    Seeking to understand another person is one of the most important deposits you can make.
    Making something important for another person important to you is a good deposit.
    Small discourtesies, little unkindness and disrespect makes large withdrawals. Little things mean big things.
    The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in conflicting or ambiguous expectations around roles and goals.
    One of the most important ways to manifest integrity is to **be loyal to those who are not present**. In doing so, we build the trust of those who are present. When you defend those who are absent, you retain the trust of those present.
    **I really shouldn't be saying this** makes a massive withdrawn to the person present as shows you can not be trusted.
    **Integrity** you should treat everyone with the same set of principles.

    **Habit 4: Think win/win**: Win/Win is a frame of mind and heart that constantly seeks mutual benefit in all human interactions. Agreements/solutions are mutually beneficial and satisfying. All parties feel committed to the action plan and good about the decision. Win/Win sees like as a cooperative not competitive arena.
    **Win/Lose mentality** is used when one child is compared to another. It lies on competition not cooperation. Like school, law.
    **Lose/win** is a paradigm with no expectations, standards, demands or vision. Little courage to express their own feelings and are intimidated by ego strength of others. They bury feelings and have disproportionate range or anger, overreaction to provocations. This affects relationships with others.
    **Win/win or no deal** if no solution for both is reached, we walk away.
    Win/Win performance agreements can have four types of rewards managers or parents can provide: psychic (recognition...) financial. opportunity (training), responsibility.
    **Habit 5: Take time to understand** first, is important in empathic communication. Take time to understand the other before trying to get them to understand you.
    There are **four types of listening**: Ignoring: not listening at all. Pretending: "yeah, huh-huh, right". Selective listening: hear only parts of the conversation. Attentive listening: Paying attention and focusing our energy on the words being said. **Empathic listening**: listening with intent to understand. The essence is not to agree with someone; but to understand emotionally and intellectually the other person. 60% is body language. Do not listen with your autobiography and assuming your thoughts. Diagnose before you prescribe.
    If someone replies with logical answers you can keep pushing, if they become emotional back off and try to understand.
    The vision of the world is very limited by our experiences. We suffer from shortage of data. Appreciate interacting with other points of view. These differences add to your knowledge. Value the difference in other people, do not take insults personally.

    **Habit 7: Sharpen the saw**: is personal PC. it's renewing and exercising regularly the four dimensions of your nature: physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional.
    Sharpening the saw is a Q2 activity. We have to make it a healthy addiction.
    **Physical dimension** involves eating well, getting the right sleep&relaxation, and exercising regularly. Exercising is a Q2 activity, and not doing it lets to Q1 health problems.
    **Mental dimension**: Some people stop studying when they finish school and spend their time watching TV. Practice habit 3 and spend less time on things that do not produce P or PC.
    Writing is a powerful way to sharpen the saw. Keep journal of thoughts, experiences, insights, leanings promotes mental clarity, exactness and context.
    Organizing and planning represents other forms of mental renewal associated with Habits 2 and 3.
    **Social/Emotional dimension**: Integrity is the most fundamental source of personal worth. Long healthy life is the result of making contributions, having meaningful projects that are personally exciting and contributing to bless the lives of others.
    Treat a man as he is and he will remain as he is, treat a man as he can be and he will become what he can be.
    The more proactive you are (habit 1), the more effectively you can exercise personal leadership (habit 2) and management (habit 3), the more Q2 activities you do (habit 7) the more you seek first to understand (habit 5), the more effectively you can find synergetic win/win solutions (habit 4 and 6).
    True financial independence relies on  continuing your education, your power to produce, to learn, create, adapt, wealth is intrinsic.
    Spending one hour a day to renew your physical and spiritual and mental dimensions is the key to the development of the 7 habits.
    Choose purpose and principles to live by; otherwise the vacuum will be filled and we will lose our self-awareness. Learn, commit, do, repeat.
    Struggle is worthwhile and fulfilling. It gives meaning to life and enabled to love, serve and try again.

Rich Dad, Poor Dad
    **Rat race**: Working for your salary, increasing your expenses/taxes when your salary goes up and being stuck in this cycle.
    Education is the foundation of success.
    The reason the rich get richer, the poor poorer and the middle class struggles is because the subject of money is taught at home, not in school.
    Saying 'I can't afford it' makes your brain stop thinking. Saying 'how can I afford it' makes you think.
    Your house is a liability not an investment.
    Don't work for money, make your money work for you.
    **Lesson 1: The rich don't work for money**. If you learn life's lessons, you will do well. If not, life will continue to push around. Don't push back against people, it's life that is pushing. Life pushes all of us around. Some gives up, some fight. Don't blame others for your problems.
    Don't be the nice hard-working guy; don't spend life playing it safe and doing the right things.
    You have to realize that you are the problem. It's easier to change yourself than everyone else.
    The poor and the middle class work for money. The rich have money work for them.
    Don't get in big debt and settle for 3 week vacation and a pension after 45 years of work.
    **The rat race** is increasing your expenses every time your salary goes up, needing more money.
    People who say they don't work for money are lying. No one wants to work 8 hours a day every day.
    Be truthful about your emotions and use your mind and emotions in your favor, not against yourself. Be an observer, not a reactor to your emotions. Don't let your emotions do the thinking and talk on your behalf.
    Unfortunately, for many people school is the end, not the beginning.
    Don't let money run your life, asking yourself if your paycheck will be enough.
    Learn to use your emotions to think, not think with your emotions..
    Instead of working for money, learn to have money work for you.
    Working harder is not usually the best solution to your financial problems.
    A job is a short term solution to a long term problem.
    People prepared to be flexible, keep an open mind and learn, they will grow richer and richer.
    It's not how much money you make, but how much money you keep.
    You must know the difference between an **asset** and a **liability**, and buy assets.
    An asset is something that pushes money into your pocket. A liability is something that takes money out of your pocket.
    The cause of financial struggle is people's spending habits, spending all they have and seeking a better paid job to spend more. They are in a hole and keep digging.
    The middle class considers their home their primary asset, instead of investing in income-producing assets.
    **Wealth** is a person's ability to survive so many days forward. Unlike **net worth**, which includes your liabilities as assets and is inaccurate. Wealth measures how much money your money is making and, therefore, your financial survivability.
    **Lesson 2 Why teach financial literacy?**
    **Lesson 3 Mind your own business**
    The mistake of becoming what you study is that people forget to own their own business. They spend their lives minding someone else's business and making them rich. Focus on your assets column and growing those, instead of your income statement.
    You can keep your day job but focusing your paycheck to acquire assets like: owning business that do not require my presence (stock, bonds, mutual funds, real estate, notes).
    Buy luxuries last, first get rich increasing your asset column.
    **Lesson 4: The history of taxes and the power of corporation**
    It's been shown in history that the rich always outsmarted the intellectuals and manage to evade taxes. The rich has money power and intent to change things.
    The tax man will always take more if you let him.
    If you work for money, you give the power to your employer, if money works for you, you keep control of the power.
    **Lesson 5: The rich invent money**
    **Lesson 6: Work to learn, don't work for money**
    Great talent in a specific field is not enough to become rich.
    **Financial intelligence** is the synergy of accounting, investing, marketing and law. These are the skills that will help you make money, not working hard. For example, a programmer learning marketing and sales but get his income increased dramatically.
    **You want to learn a little about a lot**. I was a shy person so I became a salesman at Xerox.
    Job is an acronym for just over broke. Workers work hard enough to not be fired, and owners pay just enough so workers won't quit.
    Every year you get a pay raise and every year you will be disappointed.
    Life is much like going to the gym, the hardest part is deciding to go. Once workout is over, you are always glad you went.
    Maybe McDonal's does not make the best burger, but they are the best at delivering an average burger.
    The main management skills needed for success are: management of cash flow, management if systems, management of people, sales and marketing.
    Communication skills such as writing, speaking and negotiating are crucial to life success.
    Selling and marketing are difficult for most people primarily due to their fear or rejection.
    Spend a year learning to sell, your communications skills will improve.
    **Overcoming obstacles**
    The main reason financially literate people does not develop assets are: fear, chrism, laziness, bad habits, arrogance.
    **The compound interest** is one of the wonders of the world.
    For most people, the pain of losing money is far greater tha the joy of being rich.
    Failure inspires winners, and failure defeats losers.
    People go broke over a duplex, they buy big houses and big cars, but not big investments. They play life too safe and too small.
    Overcoming **cynicism**: It takes courage to not let rumors and talk of doom and gloom affect your doubts and fears. We are all little chickens running in circles. Don't let doubts and dears close your mind, open your eyes.
    In the end, the only real asset you have is your mind.
    Choose friends that bring something to your life and that you can learn from.
    People say "you are what you eat" I say: "You become what you study". Be careful with what you learn.
    In today's fast-changing world, it's not so much what you know anymore that counts, but **how fast you learn**. That skill is priceless. Working hard for money is an old formula.
    The number one delineating factor between the rich, the poor and the middle class is the **self-discipline**.
    Don't get in large debt positions, keep your expenses low, build your assets first.
    Savings are used to create more money first, not to pay bills. Every day, with every dollar you decide to be rich or poor.


Atomic Habits
    A habit is a routine or behaviour performed regularly, and in many cases, automatically.
    If you can get 1% better each day, you will 37% better in a year.
    Habits are the **compound interest** of self-improvement.
    The impact created by a change in your habits is similar to the effect of **shifting the route** of an airplane a few degrees.
    Making a choice that makes you **1% better or worse seem insignificant**, but over your lifetime these choices determine the difference between who you are and who you could be. Success is the product of daily habits.
    You should be more concerned about your current trajectory than your results.
    Your outcomes are a **lagging measure of your habits**: Net worth is the measure of your financial habits, weight of eating habits, clutter of cleaning habits, etc... **You get what you repeat**.
    Check out how your daily choices will compound ten or fifteen years down the line.
    **Tiny battles** like reading books, going to the gym will define your future self. You need to know how habits work, and design them to your liking to avoid the dangerous half of the blade.
    **Knowledge compounds**: Learning a new idea won't make you a genius, but commitment to lifelong learning can be transformative.
    Habits appear to make no difference until you cross a critical threshold and unlock a new level of performance.
    **All big things come from small beginnings** Atomic habit refers to a tiny change, a marginal gain, a 1% improvement.
    There are **three layers of behavioral change**: Changing your outcomes (losing weight), changing your process (new gym routine) and changing your identify (self image, judgments about yourself and others, worldview).
    You might start a habit because of motivation, but you need to change your identity to stick to it. Research shows if you believe in an aspect of your identity, you are more likely to act in alignment with that belief. I.E Voters vote more than people who vote.
    You need to find out what are your principles and values, who do you want to become. Are you becoming the person you want to become? The first step is not the how, but the who.
    Habits reduce cognitive load and free up mental capacity.
    Building an habit can be divided in four steps: **cue, craving, response and reward.
    Every craving is linked to a desire to change your internal state.
    **Cue** is about noticing the reward.
    **Craving** is about wanting the reward.
    **Response** is obtaining the reward.
    For example: Clue: your phone buzzes, craving: you want to learn the contents of the message, response: you grab the phone and read it, reward: you satisfy your craving to read the message. Grabbing the phone becomes associated with your phone buzzing.
    The **four laws of behavior change**: Make it obvious (cue), make it attractive (craving), make it satisfying (reward).
    You can invert these laws to learn how to **break a bad habit**: Make it invisible (cue), make it unattractive (carving), make it difficult (response), make it unsatisfying (reward).
    This is a continuous process, there is no finish line. Keep rotating through the four laws to fix the next bottleneck.
    **Habit scorecard**: Make a list of your daily habits: wake up, turn off alarm, check my phone, go to the bathroom. Score each one good+, bad- or =.
    There are no good or bad habits, only effective habits. Effective at solving problems.
    People who make a specific plan for when and where they will perform a new habit are more likely to follow through. I.E I will exercise for one hour at 5pm in my local gym.
    A fresh start is motivating.
    **Diderot effect** states that obtaining a new possession often creates a spiral of consumption that leads to additional purchases.
    **Habit stacking** is a special form of an implementation intention. Rather than pairing your new habit with a time and location you pair it with a current habit. I.E after I pour my cup of coffee in the morning, I will meditate for one minute. Set of simple rules to guide your future behavior.
    Change in **what you see** can lead to a big shift in **what you do**. Its important to live and work in environments filled with productive cues and avoid unproductive ones.
    Every habit is initiated by a cue, and we are more likely to notice cues that stand out. I.E It's easy not to take your vitamins if they are stored away.
    If you want to make a habit a big part of your life, make the cue a big part of your environment. I.E have the house plenty of bottles of water.
    People with best self-control are those who need it less. They spend less time in tempting situations.
    **Make it invisible**: One if the best ways to eliminate a bad habit is to reduce exposure to the cue that causes it.
    After spending hundreds of thousands of years hunting and foraging for food in the wild, the human brain has evolved to place **high value on salt, sugar and fat**.
    Humans want to fit in, to bond with others, and to earn the respect and approval of our peers.
    **One of the deepest human desires is to belong**. Charles Darwin: In the long history of humankind, those who learned to collaborate and improvise most effectively have prevailed.
    Behaviors are attractive when they help us fit in.
    We pick up habits from the people around us. We copy the way parents handle arguments, the way our peers flirt with one another, coworkers get results, when your wife has the habit of checking that the door is closed twice, you do too, etc...
    Family and friends provide an invisible peer pressure that pulls us to in their direction.
    We soak up the qualities and practices of those around us.
    When you join a book club or a band or a cycling group, your identify becomes linked to those around you.
    Reframe your habits to highlight the benefits rather than their drawbacks. Your brain will think they are more attractive. I.E a wheelchair liberates you. I.E rather than I need to go running in the morning, think It;'s time to build endurance and get fast. Reframe I am nervous with I am excited and Im getting an adrenaline rush to help me concentrate.
    **It doesn't feel good to fail** or be judged publicly, so we tend to avoid situations where this might happen. This is why you avoid and delay action.
    The brain is like the muscles of the body, they adapt as they are used and atrophy as they are abandoned.
    **Organize each space for its intended purpose**, making the next action easy. Want to work out? Have your gym clothes and bag ready.
    Create an environment where doing the right think is as easy as possible.
    The greater the friction, the less likely the habit.
    Do not overwork, you need to make your habits fun. The secret is to say below the point where it feels like work.
    What is rewarded is repeated, what is punished is avoided. **Make your habits satisfying**.
    Make the immediate outcome pleasant or you won't repeat.
    Good habits tend to not provide immediate pleasure and what ones do (watching tv against working out).
    Make a habit feel successful to stick to it.
    Habit tracking is powerful because it leverages multiple laws of behavioral change: make a behavior obvious, attractive, and satisfying. It also keeps you honest. It creates a visual cue that reminds you to act, in inherently motivating, and is satisfying when you record another successful instance of you habit. It's a visual proof that you are casting votes for the type of person you wish to become.
    Bad days hurt you more than good days. You need a 50% increase to get from 100 to 150. But only 33% loss to get back to 100. The 'bad' workouts are the most important ones. They let you keep your compound gains. It's not always the result of the workout, is about being the type of person who doesn't miss a workout.
    We teach for standardized test instead of emphasizing learning, curiosity and critical thinking. **We optimize for what we measure**. When the measure becomes the target, it ceases to be a good measure.
    The more immediate and costly a mistake is, the faster you learn from it. I.E bad reviews. If you want to prevent bad habits adding an instant cost to the action is a great way.
    Having an **accountability partner** is useful. Knowing that someone is watching can be a powerful motivator.
    Big five personality traits: curious and inventive vs cautious and consistent, organized and efficient vs easygoing and spontaneous, introvert vs extrovert, friendly vs challenging, anxious and sensitive vs confident and calm. You should build habits that work for your personality. Shape the exercise around your interest (I.E gym vs cycling). Work hard on the things that come easy.
    The human brain loves challenges, but only if it's within an optimal zone of difficulty. I.E playing tennis against someone who is much better than you is boring.
    The **Goldilock rule** states that humans experience peak motivation when working on tasks that are right on the edge of their current abilities.
    Reflection and review enables the long term improvement of all habits because it makes you aware of your mistakes and helps you consider possible paths for improvement.
    Perform an **annual review** in which you reflect the previous year. How many articles published, new skills, workouts, new places visited, whatever is important for you. What went well? What didn't go so well? What did I learn?
    Perform an **integrity report**: Use it to determine what went wrong, revisit your core values, and consider if you have been living according to them. Reflect on your identity and how you can work toward being the person you want to become. What are your core values in work/life? How can you set higher standards?
    Your identity creates **a kind of pride** that encourages you to deny your weak points, and prevents you from growing.
    A **lack of self-awareness** is poison, and Reflection and review is the antidote.
    **Happiness is the absence of desire**. It is the state you enter when you no longer want to change your state or react to cues.
    **Being curious is better than being smart** Being motivated and curious counts more than being smart, because it leads to action.
    Being poor is not having too little, it is wanting more. If your wants outpace your likes, you will always be unsatisfied.

Your Money or Your Life
    **Financial intelligence** is being able to step back from your assumptions and emotions about money and observe them objectively.
    **Financial integrity** is knowing what is enough money and material goods to keep you at the peak of fulfillment, and what is just excess and clutter. It is having all aspects of your financial life in alignment with your values.
    Debt and lack of savings makes our nine to five routine mandatory.
    Lottery winners are less happy than they used to before.
    We build our working lives on the myth of more. More responsibilities, more perks, more possessions, more prestige, and more respect. But rather than satisfaction, the more we have, the more we want. More clothes, bigger house, new widget.
    The US converted in the 20s leisure from being a relaxed activity and transformed into an opportunity for increased consumption. We are not citizens we are consumers.
    People is driven by fear, promise of exclusivity, guilt, greed and need of approval. Advertisement aims at throwing us off balance emotionally.
    When we are depressed or lonely we buy to make us feel better. When we want to celebrate we buy, when we are bored we buy. We try to **satisfy essentially psychological and spiritual needs with consumption**.
    When we are kids, we are told the message that **money is happiness by giving us presents**. But as an adult, more **money means more responsibilities and more worry**: more expensive car, expensive home, getting robed, tax accountants, needing a better job...
    **The money fulfilment curve** shows that once the basic needs are covered, more money usually decreases happiness. **Declutering** helps reduce this.
    Sell the possessions you don't use.
    Money is something we choose to trade our life energy and time for.
    Ask yourself, is this expenditure of life energy i alignment with my values and life purpose?
    **You pay for money with your time**. You choose how you spend it.
    Men do not desire to be rich, only to be richer than other men.
    **Financial independence** is having enough. Avoiding the drama of nine to five till you're sixty five. Making a dying.
    Discern which expenses are fitting and fulfilling and which are unnecessary extravagant.
    You can never get enough of what you don't really want.
    Our values are those principles and qualities that matter to us. Living our values give us peace of mind. Values are the ideas and beliefs on which we base our decisions.
    You need to know your purpose of life.
    **Frugality** is getting good value for every minute of your life energy and from everything you have the use of. Waste lies not in the number of possessions but in the failure to enjoy them. Frugal means having a high joy-to-stuff ratio. Frugality is valuing your most precious resource: your energy.
    Often it's not material things we enjoy as much as what these things symbolize: conquest status, success, achievement...
    Riding a bicycle saves money three times: in gas, gym and doctor bills.
    Invest in preventive actions. I.E cleaning your teeth. Wore things out.
    Research your purchases, the cheapest is not always the best.
    Across time and culture the following needs are universal: subsistence, protection, affection, understanding, participation, recreation, identity and freedom.
    People don't need enormous cars, closets full of clothes. They need to feel attractive and excitement. People don't need electronic equipment, the need something worthwhile to do with their  . People need identify, community, challenge, acknowledgment, love and joy. Trying to fill these needs with material things will result in **psychological emptiness** and it's the main desire for material growth.
    **Be in active pursuit of health**. Cultivate new friends, specially younger ones and participate in a community. Simplify your possessions.
    Giving presents is an important way to express love.
    **Fulfillment** is knowing when you have enough. You should ask yourself: Am I likely to get fulfillment from this money spent in proportion to the resources that it represents? Is this purchase in alignment with my values?
    Men used to hunt and women to gather for two and a half days a week. That averages a 15h a week or 3h per day. The notion that everyone should have a job came with the industrial revolution.
    **Leisure** is a commodity to be purchased, rather than free time to be enjoyed. Consumption keeps the wheels of progress moving.
    The value of leisure has dropped and the value of work risen.
    **What do you want to be when you grow up**? is part of the problem. You should instead ask what do you want to do.
    Why do we give the best years of our lives to our jobs?
    Work has two functions: financial and personal (emotional, intellectual, psychological).
    The problem with our paid employment is that our needs for stimulation, recognition, growth, contribution, interaction and meaning are not meet by our jobs.
    We have **confused work with paid employment**. Work is any productive or purposeful activity. Paid employment is one activity among many other. It does not need to provide with our sense of meaning, purpose and fulfillment.
    Our fulfillment as humans beings lies not in our jobs but in the whole picture of our lives.
    Our real work is just to live our values as best we know how.
    We forgot important jobs like loving our mates, being a decent neighbor or developing a sustaining philosophy of life.
    Happiness is our birthright.
    The purpose of paid employment is getting paid and your real work is far bigger than this one job. By separating work and wages you can see more clearly whether you ar valuing your life energy.
    How much money do you need to be at the peak of fulfillment?
    Your job consist on working on someone else's agenda.
    Disconnect work from wages, say I work as a programmer, rather than saying I am a programmer.
    There is our work life, our home life, our community life, our inner life and our secret life.
    When you retire, the quality of your retirement will be enhanced if you have been able to disconnect your work from your wages. Retirement should be retirement from paid employment, not from life.
    You are not only working when earning money. Taking care of yourself, your home, your family is unpaid work.
    There is an almost universal belief in our culture that if you are unemployed your are nobody.
    For greeks, **leisure was the highest good**, the essence of freedom, a time for self-development, and for higher pursuits. Yet we are unable to relax and enjoy our leisure.
    The only purpose of paid employment is getting paid. Increase your income.
    **Savings** is money put aside for something. **Capital** is money that keeps working for you.
    Align your earning and spending with your values and with what brings you fulfillment.
    Reflect on your life while you are living it.
    Leave the nine to five straitjacket, stop climbing a career ladder, follow the promptings of your heart and mind.


Acierta al Comprar una Vivienda
    La piedra angular de la compra de una vivienda siempre será el precio. El precio no será lo que diga el vendedor, sinó lo que un comprador esté dispuesto a pagar.
    Para ver el precio de mercado de una vivienda, busca en Idealista y fíjate en viviendas de similares características en el mismo barrio.
    El **valor catastral** lo calcula cada municipio cada 10 años. Se divide en suelo y construcción.Solo el pripietario puede pedirlo en el ayuntamiento con el IBI. Según este valor pagarás más o menos IBI.
    El **valor fiscal** es la valoración que ha hecho el gobierno de tu comunidad autónoma y puede ser superior al valor de mercado. Dependiendo de este valor pagarás más o menos ITP. Si compras por debajo de este valor, pagarás más impuestos.
    Ambos valores vienen con el IBI. Puedes pedirle al propietario cuanto paga de IBI y calcular el valor fiscal en la web de Hacienda.
    Para la compra de una vivienda de segunda mano se paga el impuesto **ITP**, es 10% en Cataluña.
    Los gastos de compra suelen ser de 1.5% del valor de la propiedad.
    Las **hipotecas** se paga un interés medido con el Euribor, que es el índice de referencia del interés en que se prestan dinero los bancos. Las hipotecas suelen mencionar el **TIN** y el **TAE**. A ti te interesa en TAE que agrupa todos los costes de hacer la hipoteca y hace el promedio anual.
    En España se utiliza el sistema francés: todos los meses pagas lo mismo de hipoteca, pero los primeros años casi todo son intereses, y estos se van reduciendo a medida que amortizas.
    Hay hipotecas fijas, variables o mixtas. Normalmente las mixtas tienen lo malo de fijas y variables al principio pagas muchos intereses, y a lo largo tienes la incertidumbre del Euribor.
    Negocia con el banco poder amortizar más sin pagar comisión.
    El **seguro de vida** es para pagar la hipoteca si mueres. La mayoría de entidades lo exigen.
    El **seguro de hogar** es obligatorio por ley, puedes contrtarlo con la hipoteca o otra empresa.
    **Dación de pago** te permite saldar la hipoteca entregando la propiedad.
    Habla con los vecinos del inmueble que te interesa, para conocer si ha habido problemas, vecinos molestos, problemas con el ayuntamiento, obras pendientes, derramas (fachada, ascensor, filtraciones, rellano, ...)
    **Ubicación**:observa el estado de las calles, como son los vecinos, ruidos, aceso a carreteras, servicios básicos, grafitis, aceras manchadas, fachadas antiguas, farmacias, ambulatorios, supermercados, buses, metros.
    Las plantas bajas són las que más polvo acumulan.
    Los metros cuadrados suelen estar mal indicados, suelen ser los no útiles o directamente estan mal en el plano. Mira la escritura y catastro y pueden no coincidir. Pasillos son no útiles. Evita distribuciones raras.
    Lo que da un aspecto más antiguo es lo más caro de reformar: cocinas (vitro,encimera) o baños (inodoros, duchas). Fonaternia y cuadro elétricos son caros de cambiar.
    Visita el mismo inmueble por lo menos dos veces: en un día luminoso y en uno lluvioso. No visites más de 3 inmuebles en un mismo día.
    Las segundas viviendas se suelen vender porque el cash hace falta.
    Para comprar un piso, tendrás que hacer una **reserva** dejando una señal en la agencia. EL siguiente paso son las **arras**, 10-15 días desde la reseva. Se paga 5k-10k si el comprador se echa para atrás lo pierde. Si el vendedor se echa para atrás lo paga.  hay cláusulas resolutorias que te permite evitar perder el dinero, si no te conceden la hipoteca, etc.. Se fijan 60 días para ir al notario y firmar, tiempo para conseguir hipoteca.
    Cuando se transmite la vivienda, se hace libre de cargas. Para que no quede nada pendiente.


The Book on Rental Property Investing
    Rental properties are great because they let you **bug with leverage**, you buy with bank's money to increase the potential return and risk.
    Rental property investing lets you manager your own investment, you are directly responsible for the outcome. People always need a place to live, demand won't end. The equity is fairly stable and predictable.
    **Appreciation** is an increase in the value of an asset over time. It can be natural: tendency for prices to rise over time, or forced: doing an improvement to the place to increases it. Counting on appreciation to be profitable is especulating and not recommended.
    **Cash flow** is the amount of income left after paying all the bills. Usually expressed as monthly dollar amount. It is the most important wealth generator for rental property investors.
    A **loan payment** has a principal and interest. The principal goes directly into the equity of your property.
    The more leverage you use, the greater the risk you take.
    **Price does not equal value**. Warren Buffet: Price is what you pay, value is what you get.
    Having cash reserve to cover problems you might face is imperative. The amount depends on a number of factors, such as the number of properties. ~Six month expenses for each unit.
    The more risk, more reward. You need to do the right math to get the right profit.
    **Compound interest** is the profit earned by reinvesting profits.
    You should set-up a plan: I.E Buy each unit at 80% of the actual value, force 10% appreciation the first year through improvements, property must appreciate at least 3% each year after year one.
    A solid team can help you turn your from a new investor into a successful real estate mogul.
    Most important factors to analyze: Cash flow and appreciation.
    **Buy an hold investor**.
    The key to calculating income is **estimating the fair market rent**. Determined by the market. Will depend on location, bedrooms and bathrooms, amenities (parking, aircon), size, ...
    When a unit is vacant, try to bump up the rent. If the market will bear the increased price. If in a week or so there are no takers, start easing down the price until it rents to find the market rate. Too many applications? Rise the rent.
    You should include in your math a 5% or so **vacancy rate**. A 5%-15% **repairs** rate depending on the age, and also **capital expenditures** (replacing roof, plumbing, windows, paint...) This is fixed cost and will be a bigger percentage if it's a low income rental.
    **Cash on cash return on investment (CoCROI)** it shows the yield our money is making us based on the cash flow. It ignores appreciation and loan pay-down). It lets you compare this investment against other investments, like stock market or mutual funds. It is the ratio between how much cash flow we received over one year and how much money we invested it.
    **CoCROI=Total annual cashflow/total investment**.
    **The 50% rule**: Rental properties expenses tend to be 50% of their income, not including mortgage principal and interest payment. **Cash flow = Income * 0.5 - Mortgage**
    **The 2% rule** is the ration between rental income and purchase price. If the monthly rental income is less than 2% of the purchase price, it's probably a bad deal. But depends on the local market/area.
    To find a good deal you should look at 100 homes in screen, offer on 10, and get only one accepted. If you get more than one accepted, you are offering too much. Don't be afraid to submit a lot of offers.
    Understanding the location you are investing is key to being successful with the investment. **Rate locations A to D**. Class A are locations with newest buildings, hottest restaurants, best schools. Class C are lower income area with 30 year old homes or more. Class D is where you wouldn't travel alone. A lot of crime or drugs, high unemployment. Avoid D. Don't buy a property in a neighborhood that has an unsolvable problem. The property will be difficult to rent, the tenants will trash the house, you will have to deal with evictions late rent.
    Check the price to rent ratio for each location to determine the areas of higher yield.
    Focus on the deals that need work. Homes that have some problems are avoided by most of the buyers, so it's easier to get a deal.
    Paint the home before renting it, it increases the value. Kitchens and baths sell houses. Consider fixing them. Sometimes it's easy and cheap to transform an old kitchen into a newer one with some painting and tails.
    Make your offer without many **contingencies**. You can specify anything as contingency. Typical ones are inspection and funding.
    Use a professional **inspector** to check out the property before buying it. They will make a details report of the state of the property.
    You can show the seller you are serious about the offer by **adding more as earnest money** that is required. He will be more likely to accept. If the offer is turned down, you can counteroffer again a bit more. If the initial offer is accepted, you probably offered too much. **A little back and forth is a good thing**.
    You need to be **prepared to walk away**.
    Find the real motivation for selling the property, it can help in the negotiation.
    Appeal to the math in your negotiation, Expenses will be X, I can only rent it for Y, I need to pay Z to get W% return.
    Ask the seller what is the lowest price. Then go lower.
    **Due diligence** is the process you go after getting an offer accepted but before taking ownership. Real estate agents an sellers diminish the negatives about a property and highlight the positives. Do not do your own inspection, hire a professional. The professional will do a comprehensive report about the status of the property.
    Keep your business expenses separate from your personal account.
    You will need to do bookkeeping, use QuickBooks or an excel for accountability and help with tax return.
    Bad tenants are the only ones attracted to bad properties. Snapp as many photos as possible before renting it to.
    Manage effectively, increase income, decrease expenses.


The Magic of Thinking Big
    **Success means personal prosperity**: a nice home, vacations, travel, new things, financial security.
    **Success means freedom**. Freedom from worries, fears, frustrations, and failure.
    Every human being seeks success. **Everyone the best this life can deliver**. Nobody likes feeling second class.
    Those who believe can move mountains, do. Those who believe they can't, cannot. Belief triggers the power to do.
    Disbelieve is a negative power. When the mind disbelieves or doubts, the mind attracts reasons to support the disbelief.
    You need to tell yourself today is going to be a good day and think positively.
    Think to success, don't think failure. When facing a difficult situation, think "I'll win", not "I'll probably lose".
    Remind yourself regularly that **you are better than you think you are**.
    Never underestimate your own intelligence, and never overestimate the intelligence of others. Don't sell yourself short.
    Believe big. the size of your success is determined by the size of your belief. Think little goals and expect little achievements. Bug ideas and plans are often easier.
    Nothing provides more satisfaction than knowing you're on the road to success and achievement.
    Successful people are not inclined to make excuses. Excuses are made by the mediocre. Worst types of **excusitis** are age related, health, intelligence, and luck.
    Look at your present age positively, I'm still young.
    I am going to live until I die, and I'm not going to get life and death confused.
    "Why should I fill my brain with facts I can find in two minutes in any standard reference book?" Albert Einstein.
    It is more important to use your brain to think, than to use it as a warehouse for facts.
    The ability to know how to get information is more important than knowing facts.
    Isolate your fear, pin it down. Determine exactly what you are afraid of. Then take action.
    **Hesitation only enlarges, magnifies the fear. Take action promptly. Be decisive.**
    Successful people specialize in putting positive thoughts into their memory bank.
    Negative thoughts produce needless wear and tear on you mental motor. They create worry frustration and feelings of inferiority.
    Practice putting good thoughts on your memory bank before going to bed.
    Withdraw only positive thoughts from your memory bank.
    **Grow confidence**: Practice making eye contact. Walking 25% faster, throwing shoulders back, lifting your head makes you feel more confident. Practice speaking up, it's a confidence building vitamin. Smile big.
    One of the **greatest human weakness is self-deprecation** (selling oneself short). We must think big and use words and phrases tha produce big positive mental images
    Use big, positive, cheerful words and phrases to describe how you feel. When someone asks always say "wonderful, thanks, and you?".
    Use bright favourable words to describe other people, make it a rule.
    Use positive language to encourage others.
    Use positive words to outline plans to others: Here is some good news, we have the opportunity vs whether we like it or not we have to...
    Big thinkers train themselves to see not only what it is, but what it could be.
    Practice adding value to things and people. How can I make this better? How can I help him grow? What can I do to make yourself more valuable today?
    All successful public speakers have something to say and they feel a burning desire for other people to hear it.
    Before complaining or reprimanding someone, ask yourself is it really important? avoid conflict.
    In marriage, the big objective is peace, happiness, tranquility. Not winning quarrels or saying I told you so.
    In working with employees, the big objective is developing their full potential.
    ** ow to think and dream creatively**: 1. Believe it can be done, it sets the mind in motion to solve the problem. Eliminate the word impossible. 2. Become receptive to new ideas. Top success is reserved for the **I can do it better** kind of person. Everyday, spend 10 minutes thinking how you can do a better job.
    **Capacity is a state of mind** how much we can do depends on how much we think we can do.
    If you want it done, give it to a busy person. Fellow how has plenty of time makes an ineffective work partner. All successful people I know are busy.
    Top-level leaders **spend more time asking for advice than giving it**.
    Encourage people to talk. Ask them questions, what would you do? There is no better way to get people to like you.
    Participate in groups outside of your occupational interests. They will help you see the big picture.
    Big people monopolize listening, small people monopolize the talking.
    People who command the most respect are also the most successful.
    **If a man feels inferior, he acts that way**. The person who feels isn't important, isn't.
    To be important, we must think we are important, really think so, and others will too.
    The more respect you have for yourself, the more respect others will have for you.
    My work is important, I am first-class performer. Think this way for success. Show positive attitudes towards your job.
    **You appearance talks**, be sure it says positive things about you. Never leave home without thinking you look like the kind of person you want to be.
    When you worry, ask yourself if an important person would worry about this. Do I look like someone who has maximum self-respect? Am I using the language of successful people? Would an important person get mad in this situation?
    **The body is what the body is fed**. Stamina, resistance to disease, body size, how long be live are closely related to diet.
    Prolonged association with negative people makes us think negatively. Your thinking, goals, attitudes, personality is formed by your environment.
    How you will change depends on your future environment.
    Young people make plans to conquer the unknown, to be leaders, attain positions of high importance, do exciting and stimulating things, be wealthy famous. when we grow suppressive influences make us settle for less.
    There are three groups of people: 1) The majority of the people think they don't have what it takes, that success is for other lucky people. 2) Those who surrender partially. They work, they plan but after a few years they decide that greater success is not worth the effort. Deep down they are not satisfied because they know they have surrendered. 3) Those who never surrender. It's the top 2%, people who live and breathe to success. It is the happiest group because it accomplishes the most.
    The most successful people are also the most humble and ready to help.
    **People with most exciting off-the-job-life is always more successful** than a person who lives in a dull, dreary home situation.
    1) Do circulate in new groups. Make new friends, join new organizations. 3) Select friends who have views different than yours.
    Gossip is just negative conversation about people. the victim of thought poison thinks he enjoys it. But he is becoming more unlikable by successful people.
    **Gossip** is spreading rumors about other people, saying bad things about others, liking hearing reports of scandal, judging others, not keeping confidential info confidential.
    **Be enthusiastic**: life up your hand shaking saying I am glad to see you. Life up your smiles. Don't routinely say thank you or sorry.
    **Grow the you are important attitude**: People has desire to feel important. Ponder on that.
    The big thinker always adds value to people by visualizing them at their best. When you help others feel important, you help yourself to feel important as well.
    **Practice appreciation**: Make it a rule to let others know your appreciate what they do for you.
    Treating someone as second class, never gets you first class results.
    Practice calling people by their name, spell it correctly. Learn to remember names.
    Do something special for your family often. It doesn't have to be expensive. Thoughtfulness is what counts.
    Always give people more than they expect to get.
    Success depends on the support of other people.
    Acquire the quality of relaxed easy going, so things don't ruffle you.
    The most important person present is the one person most active introducing himself. Introduce yourself to others at every opportunity. Meeting parties, airplanes, work...
    Say pleasant things to strangers.
    Don't be a reformer. Live and let live. Don't say you are wrong.
    The person who is most active talking, is rarely the most successful one.
    Practice courtesy all the time. It makes other people and you feel better.
    Action feeds and strengthens confidence. Inaction feeds fear.
    Don't postpone actions, and do things to get ready. Use the get ready energy to start.
    **Grow the action habit**: Be an activationist, be a doer, not a don't-er. Don't wait until conditions are perfect. They will never be. Expect future obstacles and difficulties and solve them as they arise. Ideas alone won't bring success, you need to action upon them. Use action to cure fear and gain confidence. Think in terms of now. Tomorrow, next week are synonymous with the failure word, never. Start doing things now, don't get ready for it.
    Being self-critical is constructive, it helps you build the personal strength and efficiency needed for success.
    When you lose, learn and then go on to win next time.
    Have courage to be your own constructive critic.
    There is a good side in every situation. Find it.
    **Use goals to help you grow**: The important thing is not where you were or are, but where you want to get.

Mr Money Mustache Blog
    **Car frugality**: Try to combine all your driving errands into the trips you already do for work. Cars are for inter-city travel, not for quick trips to the store.
    Technology changes exponentially. The hottest products are in the stores, and the hottest ones from just a few months ago are abandoned in people's drawers and garages. You almost NEVER need to buy anything new, because you can have an almost-new item for 25-50% of the cost out of one of these drawers. People are so accustomed to buying new things, that they are willing to almost give away their used things even when they are barely used.
    Early retirement is not about having a lot of money. It's about having choices. It's about finding yourself. You need to discard that old stuffy image of retirement where couples buy an RV and take up touring the country, or just sit around at home and occasionally play golf. Early retirement is a lifestyle and it is unique for everyone. I can choose hikes instead of manicures and camping trips instead of Disneyland, and I know that I am much happier for it.

    **Christmas**: Institute a No Gifts policy for your own kids' birthday parties and encourage your friends to do the same! At the big gift holidays like Christmas, make a Gift Ceasefire agreement between all willing adults, and concentrate your efforts only on getting fun (but still thoughtful) presents for the kids, who still benefit a bit from Santa-type magic. If you're a wealthy grandparent or a fully grown Mustachian without debts, YOU can afford to buy people gifts, so use your power wisely to get them things that last a lifetime and actually enhance their lives. Like starting a university savings fund for their children or getting them a set of good bikes and a trailer

    You don't have to eliminate your spending on everything to become financially independent. You just have to cut out your waste. And for the most part, buying yourself a home is not a waste.A house is not an asset (unless it is a cash-producing rental property), it's an expense. The best you can statistically expect is for your house value to keep up with inflation: 2% per year or so. Any more than this is just luck, and it can go either direction as we've learned since 2005.

    Many people who have a great deal of wealth do not even live in upscale neighborhoods. 95% of the millionaires of this country are, in fact, what you and I would call Senior Mustachians. They all got there by spending way less than they earn, working hard when they had the chance, and looking to all the outside world like they were actually somewhat low-income.

    So when I bike down the street on my 3-year-old $299 commuter bike, wearing ripped jeans and a plaid construction shirt, and someone passes me in a brand new BMW 7-series, I actually get to feel pity for that person and their very-likely poor financial situation. That is true joy.

    **Buy a workout rack** Having this simple but complete weight set has allowed me, my wife get amazing muscle-blasting workouts at all hours of the day, on weekends, holidays, during snowstorms, whatever. At a savings of $25.00 per month each!

    I don't budget. It seems inefficient to me. I can work for many people. But I have had greater success breaking it down to a much smaller level: the individual transaction. As a Mustachian you will learn to THINK before you make EVERY money transaction and optimize that transaction right at that moment. In short, you just don't buy ANYTHING until you've really thought about it. This eliminates most purchases outright. Then you optimize the remaining purchases so they cost about 75% less than normal whenever possible. The resulting trail of credit card statements is quite boring, not really worth adding up or reviewing. The real fun is in trying to get the net worth statement and the investment accounts to look better over time

    Companies that have recently been enjoying growing profits, and are flashy and exciting and thus expected to see continued profit growth, are rewarded with higher P/E ratios and thus higher stock prices. A good example of a currently stylish company is Google, which trades at a P/E of 20 (Google's shares are worth $500 each, because their earnings per share are $25, multiplied by the P/E of 20). A less flashy but still very profitable counterexample would be the oil company Chevron. Its share price is only about $100 – earnings per share are $10.30 and the P/E ratio is a nice conservative 9.71. If the P/E ratio were the same as Google, Chevron stock would be worth over $200! This is because investors expect Google to grow much faster than Chevron over the coming years. But since nobody can really predict

    You ask the typical person, even here in the United States: What would you rather have: A gigantic amount of money, but be overweight and/or fragile to the point of needing an elevator to get up to the sixth floor of a building, or just a comfortable amount of money and a gold-quality, healthy energetic mind and body that keeps you jumping around having fun with no health issues until you're 100 years old. But yet the surprising truth is that most people are actually spending most of their time (40+ hours per week) pursuing the Wealth rather than the Health. Then the Wealth is often invested in unhealthy activities like sedentary sightseeing vacations, eating two-thousand-calorie restaurant meals, and gas-powered recreational pastimes like motorboating and ATV riding.

    Your **new snack** around the house is almonds and walnuts. Bananas with all-natural peanut butter. Apples, mangos, cheese, eggs, beans of all sorts, delicious slabs of fish, chicken, rice, all the olive oil you want, lots of spices, whey protein powder mixed with milk, burritos, cilantro, salads with rich natural oily dressing.. stuff like that. You're not on a low fat diet – you're just on a low-processing diet. Your appetite will adjust to start taking in the right number of calories (instead of too many) as soon as you drop refined flour and sugar from the diet.

    NEVER use a car when a bike or your feet will suffice. Stairs are a gift from the Fitness Gods, so thou shalt run up them whenever thou findest them.

    People, who go out to lunch almost every work day, spending about $12 including food, drink, tax, tip, and car expenses. Plus an hour of otherwise productive time that could be used either to get ahead in their careers or go home earlier that night.

    Stock the work fridge with a loaf of whole wheat bread, natural peanut butter, a jar of good jam, some bananas, apples, carrots, cucumbers and any other snacking vegetables, almonds, hot sauce, cheddar cheese, nice yogurt, and even some Beer for when you work late with the coworkers. Also bring your own plate, cup, and cutlery.

    The problem with the Big Income/Big Spender (BIBS) solution to riches is that it is a hollow victory. You are putting effort into earning ever-increasing amounts of income that could have been put into finding a meaningful life for yourself. You are buying shit that builds up

The Bogleheads' Guide to Investing
    Bogleheads are investors who follow the philosophy of John Bogle, founder of Vanguard Group.
    You choose the financial lifestyle that you currently live. **Borrowers** forget about tomorrow and live for today. **Consumers** live paycheck to paycheck. **Keepers** user every paycheck to make a payment toward their future financial freedom.
    It's not how much you make, but **how much you keep**. Don't user net income as measure of economic success.
    Measure of wealth is **net worth**: assets you own minus sum of debts.
    Establish an **emergency fund**, six months of living expenses.
    **Rule of 72**: Divide by 72 the annual rate of return to determine how long it will take an investment to double. I.E an investment that returns 8% every year, doubles every 9 years (72/8 = 9).
    A daily deposit of 54 cents compounds to more than $1 million in 65 years
    Bogleheads are investors, not speculators. Investing is about buying assets and holding them for long periods of time. Odds are against speculators who hope a stock price will rapidly change.
    You can spend less or earn more to find money to invest. We recommends doing both.
    The **sooner you start investing**, the sooner you will reach financial freedom.
    Reducing your spending is financially more efficient than earning more, because of income taxes.
    The habit of **buying a new car** every few years has the potential to decrease your future net worth more than any other buying habit, including credit card debt. It's an expensive bucket of bolts that loses 25% of value each year. Mr Bogle drives a 6 year old car.
    Start your own side work, move to a cheaper house/area.
    **Not all debt is bad debt**: Low interest loands to finance the cost of a home, rental property or education are good examples.
    **Stock** represent ownership interest in a corporation.
    **Bonds** are loans to the bond issuer. So, a bond is a document acknowledging debt that pays interest from time to time.
    **Corporate bonds** are issues by companies that need additional funds.
    Bonds and bond fund values move in opposite direction of interest rates.
    Bonds and bond funds have low correlation to stocks, so bonds are stabilizing force for a portion of your portfolio.
    **Mutual funds** pool money from investors to buy securities. They can be active managed or indexed. A few managers continuously outperform indexes in the long run. Mutual funds offer **diversification**, low minimums, low commissions, liquidity, automatic re-investment.
    **Exchanged traded funds (ETFs)** are mutual funds that trade like stocks on an exchange. ETFs can have lower expenses than mutual funds. However, you need ot use a broker, you pay commissions on each purchase (making DCA inefficient). But it's good for one off purchase and long term holding.
    **Inflation** lowers the purchasing power.
    Factors that determine the amount we need to FIRE: amount we save, current age, retiring age, life expectancy, where we live, expected rate of return, rate of inflation, other sources of income.
    **Recently bias**: projecting recent events in the future.
    **Reversion to the mean (RTM)** when some assets outperform, they are more likely to underperform for hte next period.
    Passive investors outperform 70% of investors at any time, and 90% of them over 10 years.
    Don't listen to your gut, stick to your plan. Market timing and chasing hot funds causes underperformance.
    On the short term, the stock market in unpredictable. On the long run, it consistently goes up.
    Just a 1% difference in expenses, makes an 18% difference of returns in 20 years.
    Diversification reduces risk. Identifying the company that will perform best in the long term is impossible.
    **Asset allocation** is the process of dividing our investments among different asset classes to reduce risk and maximize return.
    You should choose amount of stock that will let you sleep well, without worrying about it.
    Choosing the right allocation of stock/bond/cash will be the most important decision you will make.
    **High yield bonds** are junk bonds that provide higher return. We use bonds for safety, using these defeats its purpose.
    **R-squared** is a metric that shows correlation between assets of funds. The higher, the less diversification.
    Past performance does not predict future performance. It's more important to meet financial goals, than to take the chances in the hope of becoming richer.
    **Rebalancing** is the act of bringing our portfolio back to our target asset allocation. It controls risk, and might improve returns, as you are selling high and buying low. You can do it every fixed interval or time, or when the deviation of an asset is higher than a percentage.
    People use **judgment heuristics** that play against themselves, such as fear, greed. Prehistoric man depended heavily on freed and fear to stay alive. People think they are smarter than the rest, ego and overconfidence is another factor.
    We feel twice as much the pain of losing $100 than to making $100.
    **The Endowment effect** make us feel overconfident about the things we know. I.E buying stock from your company.
    **Mental accounting** is treating money differently depending on where it comes from.
    **Anchoring** is sticking to a broker without analysing if he is doing better than the market.
    **Procrastination** and not taking care of your finances is the biggest mistake.

The Millionaire Next Door
    Seven common denominators among those who build wealth: live below their means, spend time building wealth, FI is more important than displaying high social status, their parents did not maintain them, their adult childern are self suficient, they chose the right occupation and are good targeting market opportunities.
    Workers in america account for 2/3 of the millionaires.
    Children learn that high level of consumption is expected of people who spend many years in college.
    **Frugal** is characterized by reflecting economy in the use of resources. The opposite is wasteful.
    Self-made millionaires spend less for suits and high-status items than those who inherited their wealth.
    Our youth are told that buying expensive items is normal behavior for affulent people. People think that if you don't display abundant material possessions you are not successful.
    People who marry a wasteful/hiperconsumer person cannot accumulate wealth.
    Some people work for things, their motivations and thoughts are focused on symbols of economic success. Need to convince others of his success.
    Millionares need a budget. They became millionaires by budgeting.
    Have you noticed those people whom you see jogging day after day? They are the ones who seem not to need job. But that's why they are fit.
    More than half of the **non-budgeters** investing first and spend the balance of their income. **Pay yourself first**.
    If you have a million but earn two millions a year you are an under accumulator of wealth. You won't be millionaire for longer. They show up in the newspaper.
    FI people is happier than people in the same income but financially insecure.
    **expected wealth = one-tenth age * annual income** I.E 0.31 * 20000 = 6K
    It's easier to accumulate wealth if you don't live ina high status neighborhood. More taxes, pressure to decorate, expensive private schools, expensive cars. If you buy your 300K house before becoming millionaire, this day might never come. Will you choose a lifetime of high taxes and high-status living or change your address?
    Never get a mortgage that is more than twice your annual household annual income if you are not rich.
    The earlier you start investing, the bigger the opportunity to accumulate wealth.
    Planning is a strong habit among people who accumulate wealth.
    42% of the millionaires interviewed didn't do any change to their stock portfolio in the past year.
    Products change people. If you buy one status product, you will likely have to buy others to fill up the socially conspicuous puzzle.
    Only 23% of the millionaires own new cars.
    The US is a **consumption oriented society**. It's easier to earn a lot than to accumulate wealth.
    The more dollars adult children are given by their parents, the less money they will accumulate. Never tell your children you are wealthy. Teach them discipline and frugality. Teach them that there are things more valuable than money (health, longevity, loving family, happiness, honesty, respect, integrity...).

The Manager's Path: A Guide for Tech Leaders Navigating Growth and Change
    Managers should help you grow in your career, teach skills, provide valuable feedback, navigate difficult situations, help you figure out what you need to learn, help you understand what is important to focus on and to have that focus.
    **One to one meetings** with your direct manager are essential. They **create human connection** between you both, letting your manager into your life is important. Being able to talk important personal events or noticing if your reporter is under stress is important. Your manager should know that you have life outside work and you should spend some time talking about it. The second purpose is to speak privately about matters with your manager. 1:1s are not status meetings. Come with an agenda for things to discuss. Every week is good frequency.
    Managers should **provide feedback**. If you do something good or bad they should let you know. The sooner the better. Keep track of this feedback, use it in reviews. Public if it's praise, as it reinforces positive behavior in the team, and private if it's criticism.
    Managers should show the larger picture of how your work fits into the team's goals and provide purpose.
    The more senior, the less the personal feedback you will get. You will instead get strategy related input.
    Managers help with **career growth** via training, promotion, and compensation. They should point out to projects, feedback on areas to develop and learn. Good managers know how the promotion system works and help reporters build those achievements and skills. Strong managers have strong networks, they can get ICs attention and feedback from important people.
    ICs should advocate for themselves,
    Use someone who recently onboarded as **onboard buddy**.
    **Interns** are useful to identify potential new hires. Get them to work on a project. Check once a week progress. Plan him to present the work at the end of the program.
    People are not good at saying precisely what they mean in a way that others can exactly understand. We constantly push complex ideas through the eye of the needle of language.
    If you expect your ICs to research things before asking you a question, communicate it.
    Your team should have **onboarding documents** that get updated by new hires.
    It's important to have a strong network of trusted people to share information and ideas.
    The **alpha geek** is driven to be the best engineer in the team and always have the right answer, and to solve all the hard problems. Values intelligence and tech skills above all other traits. Tries to create a culture of excellence but ends up creating culture of fear. They are bad managers.
    **What you measure, you improve**. Help your team succeed by creating clear, focused, measurable goals.
    **Be curious and open-minded**: As you grow in your career, you'll experience a lot of teachable lessons in how things show or should not be.
    The **teach lead** is not a position for a person who wants to deeply focus on the details of her own code. He has 1:1 for career growth, progression towards goals, identify areas for learning. The **scale themselves by delegating** work effectively without micromanaging. They focus on the whole's team productivity and strive to **increase the impact of the team**. Learn how to **partner efficiently with other teams**. Do project management. **Understand business requirements and translate into software**.
    You sometimes have to **go slow in order to go fast in the future**.
    **Balancing is one of the core challenges**. Doing things you know and like, with others you don't.
    Avoid being constantly interrupted by meetings. Put **meetings early or late in the day concentrated**. Stay concentrated for long stretches of time.
    **Project management** is the act of breaking a complex end goal into smaller pieces. Identifying what can be done in parallel, and tease out the unknowns. Break down the work into smaller pieces.
    **Principles of the Agile Manifesto** Individuals and interactions over processes and tools. Working software over comprehensive documentation, customer collaboration over contract negotiation, responding to change over following a plan.
    Look for self-regulating processes.
    Working on the less exciting parts of the codebase can teach you a lot about where the process is broken.
    Some decisions need to be made by you, others delegated to more people with more expertise, and others needs the whole team to decide.
    You represent the team in the meetings, communicate their needs and bring information from the meeting back to the team.
    Speak in team meetings, speak in meetups, and get practice standing up in front of an audience.
    Main tasks for managing people: Holding regular 1:1s, giving feedback on careers growth and progression, identify areas of learning. Do them in the morning before things get busy. 1:1s are creative discussions to discuss whatever the IC thinks its important. 1:1s for early career employees can be used for informal feedback and coaching. Talk about family, friends, hobbies, pets. Get to know their career so far, ask them log term goals. Show that you care and are invested in helping them now and in the future. You can do 1:1s as walking meetings, or over a coffee or launch to get out of the office.
    **Ask your ICs**: Why did you decide to work here? What are you excited about? Any manager behaviour I should avoid? An career goal I should know? any surprises since you joined? Ask them how their trip/weekend was, humanize Ics. Teams that are friendly and happier produce better results. Do you want to work with people you hate?
    Have onboarding documentation. Every new hire gets up to speed and has to update it.
    Get as much feedback as possible from new hires in the first 90 days. Fresh eyes see things that are hard for established members to see.
    **To-DO list meetings** team comes with a list of objectives to cover, in order of importance. Updates are given, decisions are made or discussed, planning happens.
    Problems in the workplace need to be dealt with or put aside. Avoid repeatedly focusing on drama.
    **Progress reports** when you are managing managers you can have meetings to get the status of projects being worked.
    Avoid **micromanagement**. Sometimes you will have to do it for projects assigned to junior engineers. Avoid it as habit. You can ask how they are measuring success and make it visible to you as ongoing basis. If the team is making progress, the system is stable, and PM happy, we are good. Team should know and understand the quarter goals, year, etc...
    Delegation is not abdication. You are still expected to ensure the project succeeds.
    Create a culture of **continuous feedback**. Managers and peers should note when things are going well and raise issues as they happen. Every week there should be one thing you can recognize about someone in your team. If a misstep happens, provide the feedback quickly.
    Managers are responsible for **providing feedback**, aggregating it and summarizing it to the person. Account for the whole year. Keep notes. Use concrete examples. Spend time on accomplishments and strengths. Keep areas of improvement focused. Don't report blindly all feedback. Filter out the useful one. Feedback should indicate skills needed to expand to promote. Avoid big surprises, if someone underperforms they should know already.
    As a manager, you need to learn how the game is played in your company.
    **Firing underperformers** is hard. You write a performance improvement plan, with objectives and a fixed period of time. Sometimes it's not accomplishable and it's a nice way to give the person time to look for another job. There should be no surprises, you should have provided and recorded feedback many times.
    As a manager, you need to stay enough in code to understand bottlenecks, and process problems.
    Infrequent releases can hide pain points such as poor tooling, heavy manual testing, features too big.
    The **bullshit umbrella** your team should be able to focus on what needs to be done, without being distracted by the wider drama, politics, changes happening in the company. Help your team focus on the key important goals.
    Managers are accountable for team's progress.
    Create a **data driven team culture**. You should know how much time we spend working on features, QA, outages.
    A manager should **think two steps ahead** and know where the product roadmap is going.
    Run **retrospective meetings** for the day to day processes or every release. Is the team happy about how they get the requirements, do they feel good about the code quality?
    You should have an environment where disagreement works itself out, not one where we pretend disagreement doesn't exist.
    Setup processes to **depersonalize decisions**. Start with understanding risk, goals, etc... Someone on the team owns making the decision.
    The **brilliant jerk** is a toxic employee that produces outsized results, but is ego-driven, creates a mix of fear and dislike.
    You will have to do **project management** work: estimate if the team can take certain projects, decide which ones to take, and push back. You will have to decide when to push for a hack implementation and when to hold back for the right one.
    Pairing with engineers when you join a company is useful to understand the rhythm.
    **Managing managers** involve headcount management and planning, career growth and training for the org, ensuring smooth execution of complex deliverables. Very strong communicator, can explain technical concepts to non-technical partners, and business direction to the technology team. Helping teams articulate goals that support the business initiatives. At this point there is probably no time for technical work.
    Need to **differentiate between urgent and important**. I.E preparing meetings to drive them in a health way is important but not urgent. Have agendas upfront. There should be expected procedure and outcomes. If people is doing other things, the meeting is useless.
    Thinking about the future is important and not urgent: Writing job descriptions for roles you are hiring, developing a hiring plan, reviewing a project plan, talk to another manager if there are discrepancies about a project.
    You must **balance breath and depth of thinking**, for knowing the details of your teams today but knowing where you are going and what you need to do to get there.
    Have a mental list of things you are monitoring, things you are trying to fix.
    Delegate tasks that occur frequently.
    Always respond with your manager yes, we can do this project, but will delay something else, etc...
    Durable teams are built on a shared purpose that comes from the company itself, and align themselves with the company's values. They have clear understanding on the company mission.
    We engineers automate so we can focus on the fun stuff.
    Don't answer emails after work, do vacation, don't overwork, do something fun at the weekend to **avoid burnout**.
    **Skip-level meetings** help manager get perspective on the health and focus of the teams. You can treat what do you like most/less, who do you work with recently, who in the team does well, feedback for the manager. You can do it in group, with lunch.
    Managers should be helping ICs succeed, and avoid: unstable product roadmap, errant tech lead, fulltime firefighting mode.

    Managers should make skip manager life easier, so they don't have to focus on the details but only on the big picture.
    If the team does a lot of fire fighting, the manager should put together a plan to tackle this. If needed hire more.
    As a manager don't try to make everyone happy, align with your manager and org.
    Ask your ICs about the daily work they do you should understand it, be curious. Focus on the areas you are less comfortable with.
    **handling roadmap** split it into series if small deliverable. Don't over-promise. Dedicate 20% of the time to tackle technical debt.
    Pick unknown areas and ask an engineer to explain it to you.
    Attend post-mortems. Keep up with the business trends.
    Ask the engineering team where the pain points are. Find productivity bottlenecks. Study how technology landscape might change in the future.
    Communicate bad news personally in 1:1 if possible not to big groups or impersonal emails.
    Ask for advice to people. Don't be afraid to repeat yourself. Ask if there is more you can do to help. Actively look for coaching and skill development in other places.
    Learn to communicate to non technical managers. Skill the tech details.
    You are the model for your team: if you yell they will learn yelling is ok. If you apologise they will learn that it's ok to make mistakes.
    Don't share worries that they can't do anything about to mitigate.
    Take as much time as possible to learn about your employees life. They should feel they belong to a group that cares about them.
    Instead of being angry, get curious when things don't go well.
    You want a team that can take risks and make mistakes. You need a bit of time of small talk to get sense of belonging and confidence.
    **Apologise** when you screw up. Do it honestly and briefly. The goal is to show you are aware your behaviour has impact on others.
    **be curious** learn how to turn disagreement into honest questioning.
    Learn how to hold people accountable without making them feel bad.
    You should know **how you measure success**, if the team has the capabilities to success and you should provide feedback.
    Learn and work on **softening your rough edges**. Building a culture of trust takes time.
    The company will need **structure** to scale up both code and people. Failure is a good place to investigate and identify where our structure needs to change.
    **culture** is how things get done without having to think about it.
    Give **shout outs** for keeping it dope.
    Use **performance reviews** to align and evaluate team members values and company values. Reinforce desired behaviour in a positive way.
    Teams should be Cross functional: one team with backend fronted and PM working on the same product.
    **Code review** is a valuable tool to ensure stability and long term quality of the codebase.  You want it to be straightforward and efficient since it's in the critical path. Be clear about the expectations. It's a socialization exercise so everyone gets familiar with the code.
    **Outage postmorten** or learning review is not used to determine the cause but to learn from the incident. Don't blame. Some takeaways might be more important than others.
    **Architecture reviews** is to familiarize the changes to the appropriate group.
    Great managers are masters of **working through conflict**. Take your ego out of the conversation. To find a clear view of a complex situation, you must see past your interpretations.
    Use **curiosity** to get away from your ego. Write a page or two every day of free flow thoughts to clear your mind.
    Investigate your emotional reactions, when they make it hard to see what is going on, and learn from them.

Extreme Ownership
    The only meaningful measure for a leader is whether the team succeeds or fails. **Effective leaders** lead successful teams that accomplish their mission ans win.
    A leader takes **complete ownership** of everything that goes wrong with his team. Even if it means getting fired. This will help you make the right decisions to win.
    If a IC doesn't do what they should, it's the leader responsibility for not explaining the strategic mission, developing tactics, or securing the training etc... to successfully execute.
    You must **remove individual ego** and personal agenda and have extreme ownership to succeed. It's all about the mission.
    Own every failure or shortfail, look for solutions to prevent it.
    Leaders must be able to detach from the tactical mission and understand how it fits into strategic goals.
    You must understand the decisions coming from your leadership so you can explain and make sense of them.
    **Ego clouds** disrupt everything: planning process, ability to take good advice, and accept constructive criticism.
    Check your ego and **operate with high degree of humility**.
    Every Ic fault is your fault. Maybe documentation wasn't clear, procedures, etc..
    Departments and groups must work together towards the same goal.
    Leaders must start by understanding the mission, analyzing it and giving directives to the team.

Invicto: Logra Más, Sufre Menos
    **La calidad de tu vida, depende de la calidad de tus pensamientos**. Los estoicos ven la filosfía como una guía para la vida.
    Los estoicos buscan la felicidad a través de **la virtud y la tranquilidad**. Uno nos dice como actuar, y el otro evita el sufrimiento emocional.
    El estoicismo es un sistema operativo mental que permite mejorar cómo te ves y entender el origien de tus pensamientos.
    Los esticos destacan cuatro virtudes: **la sabiduría, la justicia, el coraje, y la disciplina**.
        **La sabiduría** es la capacidad de observar la realidad de manera racional y objetiva.
        **El coraje** es actuar con virtud independientemente de las consecuencias.
        **Disciplina** es el autocontrol y la fuerza de voluntad. Nos permite superar los problemas. Es de ayuda para el que posee un mediocre ingenio.

    Los estoicos no proponen dejar de sentir, sino tener **herramientas para minimizar el impacto de las emociones negativas** y poder perseguir lo que queremos.
    **La mente es una fortaleza**, que sigue en calma a pesar de las batallas externas.

    El objetivo del estoicismo es mantener un estado mental de **emociones positivas predominantes, y de gratitud por la vida**.
    **No deberíamos tener miedo a la muerte, sino a no empezar nunca a vivir**.

    **Tú tienes el poder sobre tu mente**, no los eventos externos. Entiendo esto y encontrarás tu fuerza.

    **Los problemas son parte de la vida**, cuando resuelves uno llega otro. El objetivo no es eliminarlos, **sino actuar correctamente y la paz mental**.

    Hay que distinguir entre lo que depende de nosotros y lo que no. Hacer depender nuestro bien estar de las cosas fuera de nuestro control es una de las principales causas de insatisfacción.  **Solo nuestras percepciones y acciones están bajo nuestro control**. Tienes control sobre las acciones (comer bien), pero no control total (enfermar). Hay que enfocar nuestro esfuerzo y energía en aquello que depende de nosotros. Preucuparse por las cosas que no están bajo nuestro control solo genera ansiedad y frustración.
    Centrar tus **esfuerzos y pensamientos en lo que controlas** maximiza la probabilidad de alcanzar el resultado deseado.
        **El destino guía a quien lo acepta, y arrastra a quien lo rechaza**. Seneca. Ejemplo: un perro atado a una carreta puede disfrutar del camino o resistirse. Ambos le llevarán al mismo destino pero la experiencia del viaje será distinta.
    Al dar la bienvenida a todo lo que ocurren en nuestra vida, evitamos ser poseídos por rabia o ira.
    Se trata de hacer lo mejor que podamos, con lo que tengamos, en vez de lamentarnos por lo que nos ha tocado.
    Acepta tu realidad, y céntrate en lo que puedes controlar.

    Los estoicos reconocen que la vida es preferible a la muerte, la salud a la enfermedad, la riqueza a la pobreza. Debes perseguir lo preferido, pero no ligar tu felicidad a conseguirlo.
    El sabio no necesida nada, pero lo aprovecha todo. El necio cree que necesita muchas cosas, pero las usa todas mal. Si necesitas menos, eres más libre.

    Los estoicos **no consideran el dinero como algo malo**, pero reconocen que es mejor vivir con poco y mente tranquila, que con abundancia y mente distorsionada. El problema no es el dinero, sino precuparte por él, tanto si te falta como si lo tienes.

    Alertan del peligro de desarrolar un paladar muy esquisito, ya que dejarás de disfrutar de alimentos básicos o comidas sencillas.

    Una vez superada la moderación, el placer es causa de dolor. La búsqueda constante del placer no puede ser la base de una buena vida.

    Puedes disfrutar del lujo o placer artificial, pero no convertirte en su esclavo. El placer sin moderación genera vicio. **Hay una delgada línea entre placer y dolor**.

    Una de las principales **causas de sufrimiento es que valoramos más lo que nos falta que lo que tenemos**. Recomiendan **pasar menos tiempo pensando en lo que deseamos**.

    Gran parte de nuestro sufrimiento está causado por echos imaginarios. Nos adelantamos a los acontecimientos y sufrimos el doble. Arruina el hoy por el mañana.

    La **ansiedad** se produce por intentar controlar aquello que no depende de nosotros. Toma medidas preventivas, pero una vez hecho la ansiedad ya no aporta nada.

    Si haces algo bueno con esfuerzo, el esfuerzo pasa rápido pero lo bueno permanece. Si haces algo malo por placer, el placer pasa rápido pero lo malo permanece.

    Tenemos control total sober nuestras acciones, entender esto es una **potente vacuna contra el victimismo**.

    **Sofisticación** es aquello que se aleja de lo sencillo y natural. Hay que vivir con moderación, para vivir apegado a la naturaleza. La moderación y sencillez contribuyen a una buena salud y buena vida.

    El único esclavo es aquel encadenado por sus pasiones y azotado por sus emociones. Sin control, nuestra mente es la peor prisión.

    Todo es más tolerable si lo vemos como sucesión de momentos que vienen y van, en lugar de interpretar nuestra situación como algo permanente.

    Los estoicos no trataban de convertir la gente al estoicismo. No expliques tu filosofía, vívela.

    Las primeras impresiones con frequencia no son reflejo de la realidad. Desconfía de tus emociones. Algo que te haga sentir bien/mal no tiene por que ser bueno/malo. I.E Ver un perro puede causar alegria o miedo segun tus experiencias. **Explora tus emociones, no las suprimas**. Detrás de cada emoción hay una lección.

    Si actúas y sale bien, tendrás un beneficio, si sale mal un aprendizaje. Conviertes fracaso en éxito si aprendes de él.

    **Evita la ira**. Si alguien se cuela en tu carril, pon en perspetiva tu situación, quizá tiene mucha prisa, cuales son las consecuencias? 1 min tarde? **Evita tu primera reacción y piénsalo**. Calma la mente y evalua con tranquilidad las opciones disponibles.

    Nuestro cerebro es my sensible a **variaciones percibidas en la posición jerárquica social**. La supervivencia dependía de la capcidad de colaboración con los demás.
    La **vergüenza nos hace acatar las normas sociales**. Limitando las acciones egoístas que dañan al grupo. Ser distinto en cualquier sentido suele producir vergüenza. Ser distinto en cualquier sentido suele producir vergüenza, al creer inconscientemente que violamos convenios tribales. Todas nuestras acciones deberían estar guiadas po la virtud, no por convenios sociales.
    Al entender que nada malo ocurre por sentir un poco de vergüenza, esta emoción pierde fuerza. Ríete de tus propios errores.

    **La envidia** puede ser positiva si sabes aprovecharla. Da información sobre las cosas que deseas y las personas que admiras.

    **La gratitud** sirve para evitar la envidia.

    Hay las siguiented **distoriones cognitivas**:
        **Razonamiento emocional**: asumimos que nuestras emociones son un reflejo fiel de la realidad.
        **Catastrofizar**: Magnificamos nuestros problemas.
        **Generalizar con exceso**: Asumimos que ciertos eventos puntuales son representativos del global.
        **Pensamiento blanco y negro**: éxito o fracaso. La realidad es compleja y casi siempre hay una gran gamma de grises.
        **Filtro negativo**: Aspectos negativos nos impiden ver lo positivo.
        **Descalificación de lo positivo**: Tendemos a minimizar lo positivo.
        **Adivinar el futuro**: Asumimos que la experiencias pasadas predicen las futuras. O **Profecía autocumplida** si empiezas una dieta con pocas aspectativas es probable que no la termines.
        **Lectura del pensamiento** Asumimos que sabemos lo que otros piensan sin tener pruebas. Sin evidencia, asume que la ignoracia tiene más que ver que la mala fe.
        **Etiquetamiento**: Evaluamos personas a partir de incidentes muy concreto.

    Detecta tus **pensamientos automáticos** y evalua si es una hipótesis que puede no ser cierta o si se ajusta a la realidad.

    Debemos definir los valores por lo que queremos vivir, para así poder evaluar si nuestros comportamientos los reflejan. **Sabiduría** el aprendizaje constante puede ser un valor.  **Coraje** hacer lo correcto a pesar del miedo. **Justicia** ayudar a los demás. **Disciplina** Cualquier propósito requiere esfuerzo y disciplina. Debes marcarte objetivos específicos alineados con estos valores.

    El tiempo es la materia prima de la vida, un recurso no renovable. Para los estoicos nuestro bien más preciado. El dinero perdido se puede recuperar, el tiempo malgastado no.
    Nadie en su lecho de muerte desearía haber pasado más tiempo viendo la tv. Sinó, haber logrado algo de lo que te sientas orgulloso o dedicar más tiempo a lo que valoras.
    En los malos momentos de la vida, es cuando es más importante contar con una buena filosofía.
    No hagas tus problemas mayores al añadir tus quejas. El dolor es más tolerable si no le añades nada. Séneca.
    La **culpa solo produce ira**, una de las emociones más destructivas.
    Nuestra felicidad depende más de nuestra disposición mental que de las cosas que nos ocurren. Tendemos a caer en la **felicidad condicional**: seré feliz cuando resuelva este problema. Improvable ya que vendrán otros. La **felicidad viene de dentro** y es ajena a todo lo externo.
    No trivialices tus problemas, pero da la **perspectiva adecuada a tus problemas**.
    Vemos los eventos de manera muy distinta cuando nos ocurren a nosotros que a otros. Piensa que consejo darías si le hubiera pasado a otro.
    La mente puede **dar la vuelta a cualquier problema** y usarlo para su propósito.
    Una **vida con propósito es una vida con estrés**. Aprende a gestionarlo.
    La libertad no se logra satisfaciendo deseos, sino eliminándolos.
    La **distancia congnitiva** nos permite separarnos de los objetos que nos tientan. Es la visión idealizada de estos que nos tienta. I.E el vino es solo zumo de uva. No somos nuestros pensamientos. Pregúntate si hay otra forma de interpretar nuestra realidad. Imagina que le pasa a otra persona.

    Diseña un entorno a tu medida, para reducir la disciplina, y dedicar energía a cosas productivas.
    Compramos cosas que no necesitamos para impresionar a personas que no estimamos.
    Acepta las opiniones de los demás, no las aceptes sin juzgar previamente. Tómate con humor los ataques personales. Acepta tus defectos, así nadie los podrá usar en tu contra.
    Las personas actuan más por ignorancia que por malicia.
    Si la persona que te critica no es de tu admiración o modelo a seguir para ti, puede que se haya equivocado.
    Los cambios reales empiezan desde dentro, si otra persona no siente la capacidad de cambiar, se opondrá a cualquier fuerza externa.
    Sé impaciente con las acciones pero paciente con los resultados.
    Imaginar la pérdida de algo valioso nos ayuda a apreciarlo en vez de darlo por sentado. Todo lo que tenemos es un préstamo del universo que puede ser reclamado en cualquier momento.

    No es la muerte lo que debemos temer, sino nunca haber vivido. La vida es una enfermedad terminal, se consciente que morirás. La muerte es la no existencia, has vivido pocos años con respecto la historia de la humanidad pero no te precupa, por que debería preucuparte la muerte?

    Vive para vivir, no vivas para comer. El **ayuno** ayuda a volver a gozar de los alimentos simples, y saber que puedes aguantar sin comer.

    Haz **duchas de agua fría** ayuda a resistir el frío.

    **Prescindir temporalmente** de las cosas normales hace que las volvamos a apreciar.

    **Visualizar las cualidades** de las personas que nos inpiran nos ayuda a mejorar nuestro comportamiento. Cuando tengas un problema complejo pregúntate **que haría esta persona**. Actua como si tu **conducta fuera siempre pública** y escrutinada.

    Cuando tengas un problema, piensa si en diez años va a importar.

    Pensar en nuestro pequeño papel en el universo es liberador. Nos ayuda a poner nuestros problemas en perspectiva, y evitar que los éxitos se nos suban a la cabeza o los fracasos nos hundan. No debemos perder la tranquilidad por eventos sin importancia.

    Pensar en **nuestra insignificancia es liberador**.

    Pasar más tiempo en naturaleza mejora la perspectiva de nuestros problemas.

    Pon atención a lo que tienes y sentirás gratitud y bienestar. Pon atención a lo que te falta y sentirás envidia y deseo.

    Reflexionar sobre tus acciones y respuestas a los desafíos diarios te ayudará a conocerte mejor y crecer. Escribir ayuda a clarificar ideas identificar obstáculos y nos convierte en observadores de nuestro pensamiento.

The One Minute Manager
    Leading with collaboration is far more effective than the 'command and control' system.
    Purpose of the team meeting is to let the team make keyu decisions about what they're going to do next.
    People who feel good about themselves produce good results.
    A good manager doesn't make a decision for the IC, he shows them how to make decisions.
    Manager makes sure ICs know what good performance looks like, and what are their goals. Feedback is important.
    **One minute praising**: Manager needs to catch people doing something right, and needs to tell ICs what they did right and how good the manager feels about it, and how it helps, asap. Encourage doing more of the same.
    **One minute redirects**: Everybody is a learner, things change quick. It helps people learn, as what they need to do differently. Make sure the goal set is understood, take responsability otherwhise. Remind the IC what he did wrong, tell him how you feel about it and the impact it has. Remind him that he is better than the mistake and that he has confidence and trust he will do better in the future.
    In order for managers to look good in the org, they need to catch ICs doing things wrong. You have to have a few winners, loosers, and people in the middle.
    Try catching ICs doing things approximately right and praise them.

The Obstacle Is the Way: The Timeless Art of Turning Trials into Triumph
    People blame politicians, other people, bosses, etc.. Only one thing is at fault: our attitude and approach.

    Great individuals and great companies find a way to **transform weakness into strength**.

    **The obstacle in the path becomes the path**.

    Many of our problems come from having too much: rapid technological disruption, junk food, traditions that tell us how we are supposed to live our lives. Abundance can be its own obstacle.

    Overcoming obstacles a discipline of three critical steps: 1) how we look at our specific problems, attitude or approach. 2) The energy and creativity with which we break them down and turn them into opportunities 3) cultivation and maintenance of inner will that lets us handle struggle.

    **Obstacles are not to be expected but embraced**.

    **Perception** is how we see and understand what occurs around us. Where one person sees a crisis, another can see opportunity. Where one loses control of emotions, another one can remain calm.

    Humans keep biological baggage, we perceive threats that no longer exist.

    **Discipline** lets you see the advantage and proper course of action in every situation, without panic or fear.

    Situations are not good or bad, some people might perceive them as so. There is only the **story we tell ourselves about what it means**. Don't let negativity in, avoid panicking, so you can focus your energy on solving problems, rather than reacting to them.

    Even in prison, deprived of nearly everything, some freedoms remain. Your mind remains your own.

    Many problems come from applying judgment to things we don't control.

    Most of the problems come from subjectivity. When someone explain us their problem we see clearly the solution and can help because we can be objectives.

    If someone or a crowd intimidates you, picture them nude having sex.

    **Perspective is everything**. What we tell ourselves what an obstacle means determines how daunting and trying it will be to overcome.

    **What is up to us**? Our emotions, judgments, creativity, attitude, perspective, desires, decisions. **What isn't?** Everything else:weather, economy, circumstances, trends, disasters...

    You live in the current moment. No matter if you have a good or bad job, bad economy etc.. the moment is the moment. The more you embrace it the easier it is to face and move.

    If you think more about the obstacle than in the goal, which will triumph?

    **Adversarial growth** what doesn't kill me makes me stronger is a fact. The struggle against an obstacle inevitably propels the fighter to a new level of functioning. Each obstacle we overcome makes us stronger for the next one.

    In life, it doesn't matter what happens to you or where you came from. It matters wha you do with what happens and with that you've been given.

    We must all **either wear out or rust out**.

    **Defeat is nothing but education**. The first steps towards something better.

    **Failure is an asset** if you learn something new.

    Make difficult obstacles resolve themselves. I.E an impenetrable fortress can be turned into a prison when surrounded.



Naval Podcast
    **Over-achievers** you are not happy because you know too much. If you are so smart, why aren't you happy?
    What you renounce will become your prison (prostitue
    **Health is the most important thing we have** a sick man only wants one thing, a healthy man wants a thousand things
    Everything great comes from something bad: bad health leaving caffeeine


Almanack of Naval Ravikant
    Character
        Questions nearly everything
        Thinks from first principles
        Changes his mind regularly
        Laughs a lot
        Thinks holistically
        Thinks long term
        Doesn't take himself too seriously

    Learn to sell and to build.

    Study microeconomics, game theory, psychology, persuasion, ethics maths and computers.

    Reading is faster than listening. Doing faster than watching.


    Making money is not a thing you do, but a skill you learn
    You are not going to get rich renting out your time. You must own equity, a piece of a business, to gain financial freedom
    **Wealth** is assets that earn while you sleep.


    Internet enables any niche interest to scale out.
    Escape competition through authenticity.
    We live in an age of **infinite leverage**, and the economics rewards for genuine intellectual curiosity are very high.


    Embrace **accountability** and take business risks under your own name. Society will reward you with responsibility, equity, and leverage.

    Three types of leverage: labor, money and products with no marginal cost of replication.

    You want a leveraged job where you control your time and you're tracked on the outputs. Look for disconnect between inputs and outputs. Creative professions. I.E real estate vs customer service.

    Three ways to retirement: more passive income than burnout, being a monk, loving what you do.

    Ignore people playing **status games**. They gain status by attacking other people playing wealth creation games.

    Play iterated games. All returns in life (wealth, relationships, knowledge) come from **compound interest**. The same happens with reputation, keep building it.

    Wealth creation is an evolutionarily recent **positive-sum game**. Status is an old **zero-sum game**, it's hierarchical, playing it since money tribes. Politics and sports are examples of status game. To be athe winner, there must be a loser. They are a necessary evil but you shouldn't like them.

    **long term game** is a positive sum, we are all baking the pie and make it as big as possible. In the **short term game** we're cutting the pie.

    There are **three big decisions** we make in life: where you live, who you're with, and what you do. These will determine the trajectory of your life, but we spend little time to decide them. If you are going to spend 10 years living in a city, you should spend two years deciding.

    Figure out what you are good at and start helping other people with that.


    **Freedom should be your number one priority**. Freedom to do what you want, freedom from things you don't want to do, freedom from your own emotions or things that disturb your peace. Respect yourself, be a good person.

    **Self-esteem** is the most important outcome in this world. If you don't love yourself, who will? Don't do things you won't be proud of, they will damage you.

    Do hard things to create **your own meaning in life**.

    Money is not going to solve all your problems, but it will solve all your money problems. It will remove things that could get in the way of being happy, but **it's not going to make you happy**.

    In school, work and life, you trained yourself to be a **high-anxiety person**, now you need to learn how to be happy.
    The direction you're moving matters more than how fast you go, specially with leverage.

    Your desires collide with reality. This is why it's easy to provide advice to friends (this girl wasn't for you, get over it. Try to acknowledge things publicly. Not hiding it to others you won't delude from what is going on.

    Your ego is constructed in your first two decades by environment, parents and society. Then we spend the rest of our life trying to make our ego happy.

    Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.

    **You need habits to function**. Try to identify habits you acquired when you were young and are not of your service. Does it make you happy or healthier? Any belief you took in a package (Democrat, Catholic) should be re-evaluated. **Creating identities** labels you and locks you form seeing the truth. Speak without identity.

    Praise specifically, criticize generally. Warren Buffett.
    If you have a criticism of someone, then don't criticize the person, but the general approach or activity. Then people's egos don't work against you, but for you.

    **Success is about making mistakes**. Saying what is going to work is hard, it's easier to eliminate what won't work.

    When you are faced with **difficult choices**? Should I marry this person? Should I take this job? buy this house? If you can't decide, then the answer is no. Modern society is full of options.
    If you can't decide, then **take the path that is more painful short term**. Conflict avoidance is trying to push off the short term pain. You want to lean into things with short term pain and long term gain.

    **Genuine love for reading is a super power**. Every piece of knowledge ever written is a fingertip away. Read an hour per day and you will be in the upper 0.%. Most of the books have one point to make, do not feel like you need to finish them.

    Explain what you lean to someone, teaching forces learning.

    We pursue wealth, health and happiness in that order. But their importance is reverse.

    **Happiness** is a skill that can be learnt, like fitness or nutrition. Happiness is the state when nothing is missing, nothing is desired, specially not desiring external things. Our mind shuts down and stops regretting or planning.

    The fewer desires I have, the more I can accept the state of things, the less my mind is moving. Happiness is embracing the present moment, rather than thinking too much about the future or past.

    Happiness is what's there when you remove the sense that something is missing in your life.

    A happy person is not a person that is happy all the time, but a person that effortlessly interprets events without losing innate peace.

    Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.

    You have two lives, and the second one begins when you realize you only have one. Confucius.

    All man's troubles arise because he cannot sit in a room quietly by himself for 30 mins.

    **Peace is happiness at rest, and happiness is peace in motion**. If you are a peaceful person, anything you do will be a happy activity.

    There are unlimited external problems. The only way to have peace is to give up the idea of problems.

    Try to eliminate as many things you "should do" and do things that make you happy.

    **Expectations drilled by society** into you are the enemy of peace. We are told go work out, go look good, go make money, buy a big house. External multiplayer competitive games. Being happy is internal and not related to any of those, it's a single player game.

    Life is a single-player game, you are born alone and will die alone. You will be gone in three generations and nobody cares, and nobody cared before you came.

    Not eating sugar or watching social media will keep your mood more stable. Avoid dopamine shots (video games, coffee).

    YOu are a combination of your habits and the people you spend more time with. Have low maintenance relationships that make you happy on the long run. Don't hang out with people who engage in conflict.

    If I catch myself judging somebody, I stop and try to see the positive side of it. Don't judge it will make you lonely on the long run.

    All screen activities reduce happiness, all non-screen activities increase happiness. No exception.

    How much of your day is spent doing things out of obligation?

    Politics, academia and social status are all **zero-sum games**. Positive sum games create positive people.

    **For problems you have three options**: You can change it, accept it, or leave it. Don't sit around thinking you'd like to change it but not accepting it. Accept problems, it's ok.

    Try to look at bad things from the positive side. I.E I'll be late to the meeting but I get to enjoy and relax and see the birds rather than in the boring meeting. Or say the universe is going to teach me something, I get to listen and learn.

    Easy choices, hard life. Hard choices, easy life.

    Death is the most important thing that will happen to you. Acknowledge your death and don't run away from it. There is no legacy, or something to leave. Your children will be gone, your works will be dust, civilizations will be dust, planet, etc.. The universe has been around for ten billion years, **your life is a firefly blink in a night**.

    All that matters is you experience your reality as you go through life. Why not interpret it in the most positive way? You don't make anyone a favour not being happy. You are going to die and none of this is going to matter. Enjoy yourself, do something positive, a project you love, laugh a bit, appreciate a moment.

    **Health should be your highest priority** in life, above your happiness, family, or work. First physical health, mental health and spiritual health.

    We have not evolved to live in a perfectly sterile and clean environment. It leads to allergies and untrained immune system.

    Avoid the **combination of sugar and fat**.

    Time spent undistracted and alone, in self-examination, journaling, meditation, resolves the unresolved and makes you mentally fit.

    Don't make decisions and don't judge for 15 mins in a walk.

    **Meditations** is turning off society and listening to yourself. Hiking is walking meditation. Journaling is writing meditation. Sitting quietly is direct meditation.

    **Set up systems, not goals**. Create and environment around you so you are statistically likely to succeed.

    Try to be the most successful version of yourself while working the least hard possible.

    **Anger** is loss of control over a situation. It's a contract you make with yourself to be in physical, mental and emotional turmoil until reality changes. Anger is a hot coal you hold in your hand while waiting to throw it at somebody. Cut angry people off your life.

    **Modern struggle** Lone individuals summoning inhuman willpower, fasting, meditation and exercising. Against armies of scientists and statisticians weaponizing food, screens and medicine into junk food, clickbait news, porn, games, drugs.

    Try everything, test it, be skeptical, keep what's useful, discard what's not.


The Making of a Manager
    Learn by doing. Make mistakes: try something figure out what works and what doesn't, and then you get better. You are a multiplier effect on your collective outcome.
    Manager's **job** is:
        have meetings with reports to help them solve problems
        Share feedback about what is or isn't going well
        Figure out who should be promoted and who should be fired
        Build a team that works well together
        Support members to reach career goals
        Create processes to get work done efficiently
        Make the team successful, make it deliver results and achieve great outcomes
        Hire good individuals

    To increase team's **likelihood of succeeding**:
        Have a real team (clear boundaries, stable membership)
        Compelling direction
        Enabling structure
        Supportive organizational context
        Expert couching

    Your work as manager is divided in three buckets:
        **Purpose** is the outcome your team is trying to accomplish. Or the why, why we work on this instead of anything else we could do?
        Your first job as a manager is to **ensure your team knows what success looks like** and cares about achieving.
        **People**, if you don't have the right people for the right job, you in the environment they can thrive, then you're going to have problems.
        To manage people well, you must develop a trusting relationship with them, understand their strengths and weaknesses and make good decisions about who should do what, coach, and fire.
        **Process** or how your team works together. Running effective meetings, future proofing against past mistakes, planning for tomorrow, having a healthy culture.

    You are judged on your team's outcomes, your job is to do whatever most helps them succeed. If your team lacks key skills, you need to hire or train. Make your individuals thrive.

    **You are accountable** for the decisions you make. Those must be on the best interest of the team. Bad calls loses trust and makes you ineffective.

    Role of a manager can be given or taken away, but leadership is something that must be earned. If your ICs don't trust or respect you, you will have limited ability to influence them.

    When you join the team, make a list of the things that are awesome and the ones that could be better. Spend time calibrating with leadership group's goals, values and processes.

    **Being a coach**: Your job now includes understanding your peer's career goals, projects suited to their strengths and interests, what they need help with, and how they are doing relative to the expectations. Give them feedback about what they are doing well and what they can improve.

    Build a network of leaders with similar role as you outside your org.
    During your first month, ask questions to calibrate expectations
        What does it mean to do a great job vs an overage or poor job?
        Can you share impressions of how you think project Y or meeting X went?
        I noticed X happened the other day, is this normal or should I be concerned?
        What keeps you up at night? Why?
        How do you determine what things to prioritize?

    **Managing is caring**. You must respect and care about your report, there is no faking it. Focus on your report, his career aspirations, how he feels about his work.
    **1:1** should be focused on helping him to be successful:
        **Discuss top priorities**: critical outcomes for your report, how to tackle challenges.
        **Calibrate what great looks like**
        **Share feedback**: what can your report tell you that will make you more effective as a manager?
        **Reflect on how things are going**

    Empower your reports to find answers by themselves. They have more context.
    Questions to ask in 1:1s.
    To **identify** what matters to him:
        What's on top of your mind right now?
        What priorities are you thinking this week?
        What is the best use of your time today?
    To **understand** the root of the problem:
        What does your ideal outcome look like?
        What is hard in getting that outcome?
        What do you care about?
        What do you think is the best course of action?
        What is the worst case scenario?
    To **support** :
        How can I help you?
        What can I do to make you more successful?
        What was the most useful part of our conversation today?

    **Be transparent about your report's performance**. He should have a clear sense at all times of what your expectations and where he stands? He should know at all time what you think of them.
    **Apologize**, admit that you screwed up when you do the wrong thing. People will forget what you did and what you said, but **they will never forget how you made them feel**.
    **Empathy** is the most helpful action in tough times, not advice or answers.
    Reports are more likely to succeed when using their strengths.
    Don't let your worst performers dominate your time.
    If a report is not set to succeed in his current role, support him in moving on.
    
    If a report **wants to be promoted**, make sure you point out the gaps he needs to work on to achieve it.

    The best way to **provide feedback** is to make the listener feel safe, that you care about him and want him to succeed. Always ask after providing the feedback if this makes sense to him. If you are not sure if he understood, ask: let's make sure we are on the same page, what are your takeaways and next steps?
    Template: When I [heard/observed/reflected on] your [action/behavior/output] I felt concerned because ... I'd like to understand your perspective and resolve it.

    **Ask your manager to calibrate yourself**: What opportunities do you see for me to do more of what I do well? What do you think are the bigger things holding me back from having more impact? What skills an hypothetical perfect person should have?

    **Understand yourself at your best and your worst**: Learn about what enabled you to be your best, I.E: sleep at lest 8h. do something productive in the morning to keep motivated, understand the outcome you want, have trust, feel like you are learning and growing.

    **Journal** write something everyday that you are proud of. Exercise 15 mins in the morning to get a sense of accomplishment.

    **What great meetings look like**: Are simple and straightforward, makes you feel: It was a good use of your time, I learnt something new to do my job mor effectively, I have a clear sense of what to do next, everyone was engaged, I felt welcomed.

    Sometimes you have to **disagree and commit** for the sake of moving forward quickly. **Great decision making meetings**: Gets a decision made, include people affected by the decision and other decision makers, presents all credible options with relevant info, include's team recommendation, equal time for each option.

    **Informational meetings**: Get together periodically with your team to highlight important work, share new tools, processes, discuss lessons learned. They should accomplish: team should feel like they learned something useful, conveys key messages, keeps audience attention.

    **Brainstorming meetings**: produces non-obvious solutions, people has time to think of ideas, helps ideas evolve, ends with a clear next steps.

    **Team bonding meetings**: creates better understanding and trust between participants, encourages people to be open and authentic, makes people feel cared about.

    Ensure only the necessary people is in the meetings, it will be more productive.
    After each meeting, send a recap, with action items, and who owns them and ECD.

    **Hiring**: Understand how they have done in the past in similar projects to see how they will perform in the new role. That's why internships are useful, to assess the quality of their output.

    **Interview questions**: kinds or challenges they like, favourite projects, to see what they are passionate about. Ask what they want to do in 3 years to see ambitions. Hardest conflict? to see how they work with other people.

    **80/20 rule** 20% of the work produces 80% of the results. Identify what is this 20%.

    **Cultivate playbooks**: How to run an effective meeting, how to close a new hire, how to complete a project.

How to Fail at Almost Everything and Still Win Big
    When seeking truth, look for confirmation of at least two dimensions:
        Personal Experience
        Experience of other people you know
        Experts
        Scientific Studies
        Common Sense
        Pattern recognition
    I.E if after eating popcorn you fart every time a lot, it's a good pattern, not science but still useful.

    Failure always brings something valuable with it.

    The market rewards execution, not ideas.

    Timing is the biggest component of success

    **Goal-oriented people** exist in a state of nearly continuous presuccess failure at best, and permanent failure at worst.
    **System people** success every time they apply their system (they did what intended to do). I.E loosing 2kg vs eating right and exercising regularly.
    A system is something you do on a regular basis that increases your odds of happiness in the long run.

    **We cheat our own future to appear generous today**. I.E skipping exercise to help 1h more at home, eat fast food to help a co-worker with a problem.
    Generous people take care of their own needs first, the world needs you at your best.

    **Increase your energy** I make choices that maximize my personal energy because that makes it easier to manage all the other priorities. That means:
        Exercising
        Eating right
        Avoiding stress
        Getting enough sleep
    It also means having something in life that makes me excited to wake up. If energy is high, quality of work is better, and I can do it faster.
    Personal energy is anything that gives you a positive lift, mentally or physically. I.E shopping in a busy store is an energy killer. I.E I will be late for a dinner because I am finishing this book. That is ok, on the long run they won't care and they will appreciate my positive mood.

    At 6am I am a creator, and by 2pm I am a copier.

    Every time you look at a messy room and think about fixing it, it is distracting you from important thoughts. Tidy up.

    Asshole behaviors:
        Changing the subject to himself
        Dominating the conversation
        Bragging
        Cheating/lying
        Disagreeing with any suggestion
        Using honestly as a justification for cruelty
        Withholding simple favors out of sense of social justice

    You enjoy more work and life when **your attitude is good**. You can control your attitude by manipulating your thoughts, your body and your environment.

    Avoid depressing news, imagine the live you want to trick you into having positive attitude. Your ideas for the future fuel your energy today.

    Smiling makes you feel good. Acting confident makes you feel confident.

    Release your ego long enough to view your perceptions as incomplete or misleading. That gives you freedom to imagine new ways of looking at the world.

    Fake it until you make it. A promotion makes you more confident? Fake it today.

    Where there is tolerance for risk as a kid, there is usually talent. I.E a kid accepting embarrassment risk in front of a crowd might become a good actor.

    Successwise, you're better off being good at two complementary skills than excellent at one. I am not world class on any skills, but all combined give me a good market force.

    People don't use reason for important decisions.

    **To have a good conversation** Introduce yourself, and ask questions until you find a point of mutual interest. Then exploit it.

    When you ask a stranger a personal question you make him feel happy.
    Good **conversation techniques**:
        Ask questions
        Don't complain
        Don't talk about boring experiences (tv shows, dreams,...)
        Don't dominate the conversations, let them talk
        Don't get stuck on a topic
        Don't talk about medical problems.

    Observe outgoing people and steal their tricks.

    **Exercise your ego** the way you would exercise other muscles. Put yourself in embarrassing situations.

    **Persuasive words and phrases**:
        Because
        Would you mind
        I'm not interested
        I don't do that
        I have a rule
        Thank you (and include why you are thankful I.E surprise/thoughtfulness/...)
        This is just between you and me.

    **Learn to breathe from the bottom of your lungs**.
    Speak like you imagine a confident person would speak.
    Do no 'hem' or 'um' or 'uhs' or anything that disrupts your flow.
    Try forming full sentences in your head before starting them if possible.

    **Important patters of success**
    **Lack of fear of embarrassment**: allows people to be proactive and take challenges when others write off as too risky
    **Education**: The right education means no risk of unemployment
    **Exercise**: Makes people smarter, psychologically braver, more creative, more energetic, and more influential.

    Humor makes average looking people look cute, and uninteresting people seem entertaining.

    The only reasonable goal in life is **maximizing your total lifetime experience of happiness**.

    You need to treat people well to enjoy life.

    The biggest trick for being happy: being able to do what you want when you want. You can control work into pleasure by just choosing when you do it.

    Imagine a brighter future, it lifts your energy and produces happiness.

    **Bad mood** is deficit of: Flexible schedule imagination, sleep, diet or exercise.

    No one wants to believe that the formula for happiness is as simple as daydreaming, controlling your schedule, napping, eating right, and being active every day.

    **Carvings can be manipulated** Once you enjoy the right type of food, you will be healthier.

    List of healthy food: Bananas, protein bars, peanuts, mixed nuts, cheese, whole wheat pasta, broccoli, fish, lettuce, tomatoes, apples, pears, carrots, quinoa, brown rice.

    Use nuts to suppress appetite between meals.

    Pay attention at your energy level after eating certain foods.


Trillion Dollar Coach
    a **manager** is someone from you can learn from and who helps make decisions. Good managers have good processes, make their people accountable and valued by being in the room with your, know how to hire great people, and how to evaluate them and give feedback.

    A manager authority emerges when he establishes credibility with subordinates, peers, and superiors. if you are a great manager your people will make you a leader.

    Manager job is to help people be more effective in their job and to grow and develop in a way that is **consistent with the company needs**.

    Create and **environment that liberates and amplifies energy**.

    Bill would start the meetings by asking people what they did over the weekend, or an informal trip report if they just came back. Ask more than how are kids? but specific how was the soccer game? where is she thinking about college? etc... You can then ask what are the top 5 priorities of the week

    When you listen to people, they feel valued. Use your full attention. Ask questions to get to the real issue.

    Be the person who gives energy, not the one who takes it away.

    Believe in people more than they believe in themselves, push them to be more courageous.

    Don't wait until performance reviews to provide feedback. Do it in the moment.

    **Culture** helps to achieve results.

    Use **meetings** to get everyone on the same page. To get to the right debate, and make decisions.

    Each company or product must have a **set of principles** Then we can use those principles as guide to take decisions.

    If you have to let people go be generous, treat them well, and celebrate their accomplishments.

    Do **reviews** with a set of highlights and lowlights.

    The best teams are the ones with more psychological safety. This starts with trust.

    **Coach job** is to raise self-awareness further and help them see the flaws they don't see for themselves. To be coachable you need to be honest, open to learn, and humble.

    Look for **candidates** that are smart, hard working, learn fast, empathy, team first, have integrity, and grit.

    Taking two people who don't usually work together and assign them a task/project to **build trust**.

    **Annual performance review of Google**: Core attributes (past 12 months, agree/disagree):
        Extraordinary performance
        Exemplified leadership
        Achieved outcomes of Google interest
        Collaborated effectively
        Contributed in meetings

    **Learning forward**: post-morten. Not what happened and who is to blame. But what we will do about it?

    **Strive to win** but always with commitment, teamwork, and integrity.

    Leaders lead when things are going bad, teams are looking for more loyalty, commitment, and decisiveness from their leaders.

    Listen, observe and fill the communication and understanding gaps between people.

    **Build communities** inside and outside work. A place is much stronger when people are connected.


Working Backwards
    long-term interest of share-owners are perfectly aligned with the interest of customers.
    Amazon culture:
        **Customer obsession** instead of competitor obsession
        Willingness to **think long term**, longer investment horizon than most of our peers
        **Eagerness to invent** and willingness to fail
        Taking professional pride in **operational excellence**

    Practical methodologies to make culture actionable:
        **Bar Raiser hiring program**: Ensures that the company continues to acquire top talent.
        Bias for **separable teams run by leaders with a singular focus** that optimizes for speed of delivery and innovation
        Use of **written narratives** instead to slide decks to help understand complex issues.
        Relentless **focus on input metrics** to ensure teams work on activities that propel the business.
        **Working backwards**: from the customer experience.

    **Bar Raising program**: Allows the company with methods to make strongest hires efficiently without cutting corners.

    For each initiative, there is a **single leader** whose focus in that project alone.

    PowerPoint is not the best format to communicate complex information. **Six-page narratives** enables everyone in a meeting to get up to speed quickly on the project that the team is working on.

    Narratives for quarterly and yearly business updates require both the writer and reader to dive deep and insist on the highest standards.

    The Press Release/FAQ process reinforces customer obsession, starting with the customer needs and working backwards from there.


    **Data-driven decision making** and frequent auditing from everyone we work with is the basis for **dive deep** lp.
    Leaders have relentlessly high standards. Many people think these standards are unreasonably high.
    Phrase that appears in LPs and tenets: **Unless you know better ones**. Reminds people to always seek and improve status quo.
    LPs
        Customer obsession
        Ownership
        Invent and Simplify
        Are Right, A lot.
        Learn and Be Curious
        Hire and Develop the Best
        Insist on Highest Standards
        Think Big
        Bias for Action
        Frugality
        Earn Trust: Leaders listen attentively, speak candidly, and treat others respectfully. They are vocally self-critical.
        Dive Deep: Leaders operate at all levels, stay connected to details, audit frequently, and are skeptical when metrics and anecdotes differ, no task in beneath them.
        Hack Backbone, Disagree and Commit
        Deliver Results

    These principals are codified in every one of our core processes (hiring, performance management, planning, operating cadence, career development).
    **Good intentions don't work. Mechanisms do**. If you don't change the underlying condition that created a problem, the problem will recur.

    S-Team goals must be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Timely (SMART). Only 3/4 of the goals should be achieved. If you do all, it means you set a bar too low. Goals are tracked with status: green (on track), yellow (risks of missing the goal), or red ( will not likely hit the goal).

    **Hiring**: We want missionaries not mercenaries.
    **Confirmation bias** tendency for people to focus on the positive elements that others identify and ignore the negatives, and contradictory signals.
    **Personal bias**: instinct to surround yourself with people who are like you (education, professional experience, life experience).

    **Bar Riser program**: creates a scalable, repeatable, formal process for consistently making appropriate and successful hiring decisions.
    New hires should **raise the bar** be better in one important way than the other members of the team they join. Aimed at reducing personal bias, and maximize data-based hiring decisions.

    Direct reports should now interview a prospective boss. Direct report will learn about the candidate's weaknesses and other employees views on those. During the interview behavioral questions try to understand if they personally have solved similar problems to the ones they will face. We don't ask about their resume.

    **STAR** interview mechanism: what was the situation, what were you tasked with, what actions did you take, what was the result? What the interviewee solved vs the team.

    Only four options: strongly inclined/not inclined. No undecided option. You can't see others feedback until you submitted yours.

    **Velocity**: Measures both speed and direction.

    **Single-Threaded-Leadership**: single person, owns a single major initiative.

    Amazon focuses on controllable input metrics instead of output metrics. Morale is an output metric, freedom to invent an build an input metric. If you clear the impediment of building, morale takes care of itself.

    **Two pizza team**: The team should not be larger than the number of people you can feed with two large pizzas.
        **Be small**: no more than 10 people.
        **Be autonomous**: no need to coordinate with other teams to do work.
        **Be evaluated** by a well-defined fitness function. I.E in charge of adding selection in a product category: how many new items, how many units of those items.
        **Be monitored in real time**
        **Be the business owner**: team takes all the decisions for the product.
        **Be lead by a multi-disciplined top-flight leader**: who must have good business judgement. Also known as **Single threaded leader**.

    **Microservices** Helped assign ownership to code and let teams use API to integrate, reducing integration time.

    **Six-Pager** Is used to describe, review, or propose just about any type of idea, process, or business.

    **Press Release/FAQ**: Linked to the working backwards process for new product development.

    **Ban to PowerPoint**: No matter how complex or nuanced the concepts are, they are presented as small blocks of text, short bullet pointed lists, or graphics. The slide deck alone is insufficient to convey or serve as a record of the complete argument at hand. Also, the stage presence or charm of the presenter cna unintentionally blind the audience's questions/concerns.

    **Written narrative** contains seven to nine times the information density of our typical powerpoint presentation.

    **People read three times faster than the typical presenter talks**.

    **How to conduct a meeting with narratives**: Narratives are distributed at the start of the meeting and read by all in the attendance during the time that would normally be taken by the slide deck presentation (20 minutes aprox). People take notes. Once everyone finishes the conversation about the doc begins. Two-Thirds of the meeting is for discussing what we read. The discussion main points are captured, and become part of the output.

    **Six Pager**: First, it calls out key tenets that the proposal relies upon, a foundational element of the reasoning that led us to make this recommendation. Tenets give the reader an anchor point to evaluate the rest. Strong six-pages will contain FAQs anticipating counterarguments, points of contention, or statements that might be miss-interpreted. Quarterly business review narrative: Introduction, Tenets, Accomplishments, Misses, Proposal for Next Steps, Period, headcount, P&L, FAQ, Appendices.

    **Working backwards**: Start with the customer and work backwards. Systematic way to vet ideas and create new products. Key tenet is to start defining the customer experience and iteratively work backwards from that until the team achieves clarity of thought around what to build.

    **PR/FAQ**: Writing the press release and FAQ before building the product. It let's you focus on the most important issues moving forward. Highlights the customer experience. The most senior attendees speak last to avoid influencing others. it's a living document that will be reviewed and maintained. Parts of the doc:
        Heading
        Subheading: describe the product in one sentence.
        Summary Paragraph: summary of the product and benefit
        Problem Paragraph: describe the problem the product is designed to solve, written from the customer point of view.
        Solution Paragraph: Describe the product in details and how it solves the problem.
        FAQ component

    **Metrics**: We have little direct control over output metrics. It's important to focus on the **controllable input metrics**, activities you directly control, which ultimately affect output metrics. start with the customer and work backwards to align metrics with customer experience.
        Inputs can be selection, price, or convenience. Things you can control and customers care. They measure things that if done right bring the desired result to output metrics.
        Output metrics are things like orders, revenue, and profit. They are important but can't be manipulated in a sustainable manner over the long term.

    **Weekly Business Review (WBR)**: Provides insights about the business. It's a tactical operational meeting to analyzer performance trends of the prior week. First you need to select and define the metrics you want to measure. For that, you need to understand how inputs affect outputs in your system. There's a deck of metrics and each person is responsible for its section. Metrics are monitored in real time. Each service receives an alarm to identify outages instantly. A good deck uses consistent format throughout. During the meeting attendees focus on variances. The goal of the meeting is to discus exceptions and what is being done.

    Business owners own metrics and are prepared to explain variances.

    Operational and strategic discussions are kept separate.


    **Flywheel spins faster**: A Close loop of input metrics driving a single output (growth). Inputs are customer experience, traffic, sellers, selection.  The better customer experience the leads to more traffic, which attracts more sellers, which leads to wider selection, which improves customer experience. The cycle drives growth which lowers cost structure.

    **Correction of errors (CEOs)** process is based on the 5 whys method. When you see an anomaly ask why it happened and iterate with another why? until you get to the underlying factor.

    Mistakes should be acknowledged as a change to take ownership, understand root cause and learn from experience. Culture encourages to discuss mistakes.

    **Andon Cord** When a worker notices a quality problem they can pull a cord that stops the entire assembly line.


The Culture Code
    **Group culture** is one of the most powerful forces on the planet.

    When a **new group starts working on a task together** it seems like they are collaborating, but in fact they are engaged in a process psychologists call status management: Figuring out where they fit into the larger picture: Who is in charge? Is it okay to criticize someone's idea? What are the rules here? Their interactions appear smooth, but their underlying behavior is riddled with inefficiency, hesitation, and subtle competition. Instead of focusing on the task, they are navigating their uncertainty about one another.

    **Inefficient groups**: Spend so much time managing status that they fail to grasp the essence of the problem.
    **Efficient groups**: Stand shoulder to shoulder and work energetically together, move quickly, spotting problems and offering help. They experiment, take risks, and notice outcomes, which guides them toward effective solutions.

    Being smart is overrated, showing fallibility is crucial, being nice is not as important as you might think.

    Simple question that draws the others out, and he listens intently and responds. Energy levels increase; people open up and share ideas, building chains of insight and cooperation that move the group swiftly and steadily toward its goal. **Hey, what do you think of this?**

    All he radiates an idea that is something like, Hey, this is all really comfortable and engaging, and I'm curious about what everybody else has to say. It was amazing how such simple, small behaviors kept everybody engaged and on task.

    **Chemistry**. When you encounter a group with good chemistry, you know it instantly.

    Close physical proximity, often in circles
        Profuse amounts of eye contact
        Physical touch (handshakes, fist bumps, hugs)
        Lots of short, energetic exchanges (no long speeches)
        High levels of mixing; everyone talks to everyone
        Few interruptions
        Lots of questions
        Intensive, active listening
        Humor, laughter
        Small, attentive courtesies (thank-yous, opening doors, etc.)


    **Belonging cues** can't be reduced to an isolated moment but rather consist of a steady pulse of interactions within a social relationship. Their function is to answer the ancient, ever-present questions glowing in our brains: Are we safe here? What's our future with these people? Are there dangers lurking? Modern society is an incredibly recent phenomenon/

    For hundreds of thousands of years, we needed ways to develop cohesion because we depended so much on each other.

    We used signals long before we used language: **You are safe here**.

    A mere hint of belonging is not enough; one or two signals are not enough. We are built to require lots of signaling, over and over. This is why a sense of belonging is easy to destroy and hard to build.


    Words are noise. Group performance depends on behavior that communicates one powerful overarching idea: We are safe and connected.

    Cohesion happens not when members of a group are smarter but when they are lit up by clear, steady signals of safe connection.


    Building an environment that answers basic questions: Are we connected? Do we share a future? Are we safe? Let's take them one by one.


    Team performance is driven by **five measurable factors**:
        Everyone in the group talks and listens in roughly equal measure, keeping contributions short.
        Members maintain high levels of eye contact, and their conversations and gestures are energetic.
        Members communicate directly with one another, not just with the team leader.
        Members carry on back-channel or side conversations within the team.
        Members periodically break, go exploring outside the team, and bring information back to share with the others.


    Particular form of feedback boosts effort and performance so immensely that they deemed it **magical feedback**. Delivers a burst of belonging cues. Actually, when you look more closely at the sentence, it contains three separate cues:
        You are part of this group.
        This group is special; we have high standards here.
        I believe you can reach those standards.


    three types of belonging cues.
        **Personal, up-close connection**: body language, attention, and behavior that translates as I care about you)
        **Performance feedback**: relentless coaching and criticism that translates as We have high standards here)
        **Big-picture perspective**: larger conversations about politics, history, and food that translate as Life is bigger than


    What mattered most in creating a successful team had less to do with intelligence and experience and more to do with where the desks happened to be located.

    I used to like to try to make a lot of small clever remarks in conversation, trying to be funny, sometimes in a cutting way, he says. Now I see how negatively those signals can impact the group. So I try to show that I'm listening. When they're talking, I'm looking at their face, nodding, saying ‘What do you mean by that, ‘Could you tell me more about this, or asking their opinions about what we should do, drawing people out."

    Top salespeople **hardly ever interrupt people**, and then rate them on that scale, you can deliver a powerful message,

    You should open up, show you make mistakes, and invite input with simple phrases like
        This is just my two cents.
        Of course, I could be wrong here.
        What am I missing?
        What do you think?

    Ask questions, listen keenly, and radiate humility.

    You have to hug the messenger and let them know how much you need that feedback. That way you can be sure that they feel safe enough to tell you the truth next time.

    Group shares bad news or gives tough feedback. In these moments, it's important not simply to tolerate the difficult news but to embrace it.

    kind of moment happens all the time in highly successful groups, because it has less to do with thanks than affirming the relationship.

    Thank you for allowing me to coach you. The most powerful person in a group publicly express gratitude for one of the group's least powerful members.

    Whatever you were before, you are a filmmaker now. We need you to help us make our films better. A closer look shows that it creates belonging by placing power and trust in the hands of the people doing the work.

    The key involves the willingness to perform a certain behavior that goes against our every instinct: **sharing vulnerability**. when it comes to creating cooperation, vulnerability is not a risk but a psychological requirement. Teams solving problems in a constant state of vulnerability and interconnection.

    He steered away from giving orders and instead asked a lot of questions: What is wrong with this idea? Who can do this?

    Two important qualities:
        **Warmth**: He had a knack for making people feel cared for.
        **Relentless curiosity**.

    Make Sure **the Leader Is Vulnerable First and Often**: As we've seen, group cooperation is created by small, frequently repeated moments of vulnerability. I screwed that up are the most important words any leader can say.

    Traces any group cooperation norms to two critical moments that happen early in a group life: The first vulnerability, The first disagreement. Are we about appearing strong or about exploring the landscape together? Are we about winning interactions, or about learning together? At those moments, people either dig in and become defensive and start justifying, and a lot of tension gets created

    They interact in ways that make the other person feel safe and supported

    Good listening is about more than nodding attentively; it's about adding insight and creating moments of mutual discovery.

    Skilled listeners do not interrupt with phrases like Hey, here's an idea or Let me tell you what worked for me in a similar situation because they understand that it's not about them. They use a repertoire of gestures and phrases that keep the other person talking.



The Four Agreements
    As children, we didn't have the opportunity to choose our beliefs, but we agreed with the information that was passed to us from the dream of the planet via other humans.

    We may have rebelled against them, but we were not strong enough to win the rebellion. The result is **surrender to the beliefs with our agreement**. I call this process the **domestication of humans**. And through this domestication we learn how to live and how to dream.

    **Children are domesticated** the same way that we domesticate a dog, a cat, or any other animal. In order to teach a dog we punish the dog and we give it rewards. We train our children whom we love so much the same way that we train any domesticated animal: with a **system of punishment and reward**. We are told, "You're a good boy," or "You're a good girl.

    **The reward feels good**, and we keep doing what others want us to do in order to get the reward. With that **fear of being punished** and that fear of not getting the reward, we start **pretending to be what we are not**, just to please others.

    After a certain time we are afraid because we know that every time we do something wrong we are going to be punished.

    **We are an autodomesticated animal**. We can now domesticate ourselves according to the same belief system we were given, and using the same system of punishment and reward. We punish ourselves when we don't follow the rules according to our belief system; we reward ourselves when we do.

    There is **something in our minds that judges everybody and everything**, including the weather, the dog, the cat - everything. The inner Judge uses what is in our Book of Law to judge everything we do and don't do, everything we think and don't think, and everything we feel and don't feel. Everything lives under the tyranny of this Judge.

    There is **another part of us that receives the judgments**, and this part is called the Victim. The Victim carries the blame, the guilt, and the shame. It is the part of us that says, "Poor me, I'm not good enough, I'm not intelligent enough, I'm not attractive enough, I'm not worthy of love, poor me."

    Every time we do something that goes against the Book of Law, the Judge says we are guilty, we need to be punished, we should be ashamed. This happens many times a day, day after day, for all the years of our lives. And this is all based on a belief system that we never chose to believe.

    Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to be alive. The risk to be alive and express what we really are.

    We have learned to live by other people's points of view because of the fear of not being accepted and of not being good enough for someone else.

    During the process of domestication, we form an image of what perfection is in order to try to be good enough. We create an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by everybody.

    We know we are not what we believe we are supposed to be and so we feel false, frustrated, and dishonest. We try to hide ourselves, and we pretend to be what we are not. The result is that we feel unauthentic and wear social masks to keep others from noticing this.

    **Nobody abuses us more than we abuse ourselves**, and it is the Judge, the Victim, and the belief system that make us do this.

    If someone abuses you a little more than you abuse yourself, you will probably walk away from that person. But if someone abuses you a little less than you abuse yourself, you will probably stay in the relationship and tolerate it endlessly. **The more self-love we have, the less we will experience self-abuse**.

    Self-abuse comes from self-rejection, and self-rejection comes from having an image of what it means to be perfect and never measuring up to that ideal.

    **The most important agreements are the ones you made with yourself**. In these agreements you tell yourself who you are, what you feel, what you believe, and how to behave. The result is what you call your personality.

    We have many agreements that make us suffer, that make us fail in life. If you want to live a life of joy and fulfillment, you have to find the courage to break those agreements that are fear-based and claim your personal power.

    How can we change the entire dream of our life when we have no power to change even the smallest agreement?

    When we are finally ready to change our agreements, there are four very powerful agreements that will help us to break those agreements that come from fear and deplete our energy.

    You will see the drama of hell disappear right before your very eyes. Instead of living in a dream of hell, you will be creating a new dream - your personal dream of heaven.

    First agreement: **Be impeccable with your word**. Word is a sword with two edges, The word is the most powerful tool you have as a human; the word can set you free, or it can enslave you even more than you know.

    Look, this girl is ugly!" The girl listens, believes she is ugly, and grows up with the idea that she is ugly. It doesn't matter how beautiful she is; as long as she has that agreement, she will believe that she is ugly. That is the spell she is under.

    You go against yourself when you judge or blame yourself for anything.

    Being impeccable with your word is not using the word against yourself.

    **Gossip is black magic at its very worst because it is pure poison**. We learned how to gossip by agreement. When we were children, we heard the adults around us gossiping all the time, openly giving their opinions about other people. They even had opinions about people they didn't know.

    Your opinion is nothing but your point of view. It is not necessarily true. Your opinion comes from your beliefs, your own ego, and your own dream.

    Use white magic, beginning with yourself. Tell yourself how wonderful you are, how great you are. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Use the word to break all those teeny, tiny agreements that make you suffer.

    The second agreement is **don't take anything personally**. Whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. That person tried to send poison to you and if you take it personally, then you take that poison and it becomes yours.

    Immunity to poison in the middle of hell is the gift of this agreement.

    Even the opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true; therefore, you don't need to take whatever you hear in your own mind personally.

    Do not expect people to tell you the truth because they also lie to themselves.

    If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. Your anger, jealousy, and envy will disappear, and even your sadness will simply disappear if you don't take things personally.

    Third agreement **Don't make assumptions**.  The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth.

    Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot of difficulties, a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love.

    A whole drama is created because we make this assumption and then put more assumptions on top of it.

    we assume they should do, we feel hurt and think, How could you do that?

    We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.

    We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do.

    We have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works. We also

    We have to be what we are, so we don't have to present a false image. If you love me the way I am, "Okay, take me." If you don't love me the way I am, "Okay, bye-bye".

    The fourth agreement is about the action of the first three: **Always do your best**. No more and no less. Your best is never going to be the same from one moment to the next. Just do your best - in any circumstance in your life.

    If you always do your best there is no way you can judge yourself. And if you don't judge yourself there is no way you are going to suffer from guilt, blame, and self-punishment. By always doing your best, you will break a big spell that you have been under.

    If we like what we do, if we always do our best, then we are really enjoying life. We are having fun, we don't get bored, we don't have frustrations.

    You do your best because doing your best all the time makes you so happy. When you are doing your best just for the pleasure of doing it, you are taking action because you enjoy the action.

    Inaction is sitting in front of the television every day for years because you are afraid to be alive and to take the risk of expressing what you are.

    I do my best to fulfill the needs of my body. I do my best to give to my body and to receive what my body gives to me.

    By doing your best, the habits of misusing your word, taking things personally, and making assumptions will become weaker and less frequent with time. You don't need to judge yourself, feel guilty, or punish yourself if you cannot keep these agreements. If you're doing your best, you will feel good about yourself even if you still make assumptions.

    Practice makes the master. By doing your best you become a master. Action is what makes the difference.

    You learned to write, to drive, and even to walk by repetition.

    use every moment to be happy, to do what we really enjoy doing.

    The parasite wants us to carry the past with us and that makes it so heavy to be alive. When we try to live in the past, how can we enjoy the present? When we dream of the future, why must we carry the burden of the past? When are we going to live in the present? That is what the angel of death teaches us to do.




The Man's Guide to Women

    The number one thing women look for is simply this: **trustworthiness**. What trustworthiness looks like is: you are who you say you are and you do what you say you are going to do. It's about reliability, accountability, and showing up just as you are

    She's asking herself, even if she's not consciously thinking about it: **Is he safe**? Will he be there for me? Is he dependable? Is he trustworthy? Opening a door for her, pulling out her chair, and walking on the traffic side of the street signal that you care about her and are willing to protect her. By showing up on time and doing what you say you'll do, you tell her, "Hey, you can trust me."

    Women have **two major complaints about men**. The first complaint is: "He is **never there for me**." The second complaint is: "There **isn't enough intimacy and connection**."
    All women are unique.

    **Attune women's emotions** instead of dismissing them: Give your undivided attention when it's needed. Attention equals affection. Attention ultimately is how you express love.

    Women want men who are there for them when they need them. They want men who are interested in them and who care about them.

    **When in an argument**: No matter what she is saying, the goal is understanding. Turn. Toward. Your. Partner. Face-to-face and eyeball-to-eyeball. Don't offer a solution, don't try to distract her, don't think of how you can "fix" the problem, don't make jokes, and don't minimize the problem. Ask questions about what she is feeling and what it all means to her. It's not about saying "I understand"; it's about showing genuine interest and attempting to understand why this is important to her. Non defensively listen. If you are paying attention, turning toward her, and seeking understanding, you are well on your way down the path of non-defensive listening. Listen twice as much as you speak.

    The men who were able to "downregulate" their anger (calm themselves down and not overreact), were the men with great relationships.

    Attuning with how she feels doesn't mean that you agree with everything that she says, just that you hear her-that **you get it**.

    **Empathize**: Understanding is an intellectual pursuit, while **empathy is an emotional pursuit**. Try to feel how a woman is feeling, regardless of whether-in your opinion-it has any Vulcan logic to it.

    You can ask her how she feels (genius). You can also read her body language.

    Let her know that you value how she feels and that it makes sense to you that she would feel this way.

    The emotional part of the brain calms down when it feels connected to another person and not alone. Show empathy.

    Asking questions is sexier than broadcasting. **Being genuinely interested in her** is much more important than trying to be interesting to her.

    If you use your voice or your size to intimidate or to make a point, even if you don't intend to do this, a woman will not feel physically safe with you and will not trust you completely.


    A man wants to be desired and to feel like the woman in his life wants him, adores him, and approves of him just the way he is. It's no secret.

    Emotions are not a problem for girls. They are a good thing, an opportunity for intimacy.


    A kid named Brian started to cry while playing a game because he doesn't have the ball. So they give it to him. And they were off. Problem solved. Emotions dealt with. The goal of the boys was to keep the ball in play no matter what the cost. Emotions just got in the way of the game. The goal was to get rid of the leech and continue the play. This seems to be true of males whether they are 8 or 48.

    Kathy explains that she wanted Lisa to wear the same barrette in her hair that Kathy had on, is going to be at, and discuss what they might do together during the sleepover. They decide to one day marry brothers, so they can become sisters. To girls, expressing the feelings requires taking a risk, opening up, and trusting one another. **The solution, if they ever determine one, is not even important**.

    For a woman, there are no negative emotions. Emotions just are. For women, they're as natural as breathing. **Emotions are opportunities for intimacy**.

    Women are more complicated rhythmically than men, as their hormone levels rise and fall during each month with their menstrual cycles.
        During the first 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when estrogen is peaking), women are friendlier, more talkative, more socially relaxed, calmer, and more emotionally sensitive.
        During the second 2 weeks of the menstrual cycle (when progesterone is peaking), women can be more irritable, more stressed, and less calm, plus they want to be alone more.
        At ovulation, women may be more emotional and possibly more interested in sex,


    Sounds to me like you're feeling really sad at the moment. Talk to me. I want to hear what you're thinking and feeling right now.


    Women tend to be somewhat more attracted to aggressive (alpha) men when they are ovulating and more attracted to kinder, gentler, more nurturing (beta) men when they are not.

    She may want you to take a protector role one day, as the two of you are coming home late from a movie, and on another day, she might want you to take a nurturer role by cuddling up with her on the couch and talking about, you know, feelings.

    Women will be attracted to the expertise you demonstrate in your particular area of interest. Women are attracted to men who are the CEO and president of themselves.

    There is a **big difference between confidence and arrogance**. Confidence will attract a woman. Arrogance will repel her faster Confidence comes from being secure in your abilities.

    It's the woman who ultimately controls whether or not a man approaches her.

    Attractive is not just about physical features-it is also about your nonverbal cues. **High status, a protector, a provider**.

    What physical features do women find most attractive in a man? The answer is **symmetry**. If the left and right sides of your face match up perfectly, you will most likely be a god


    The men who were successful were **space maximizers**, showing their dominance in the social setting by stretching out their legs, throwing an arm around their chair, or otherwise owning the space they occupied. The person who takes up the most space is considered the socially dominant person

    Women are attracted to confidence.These signals social dominance and will make you more likely to get the go-ahead signal from a woman:

    The men who were successful also made **significantly more glancing behaviors**. This means they looked a women in the eyes and often accompanied that with a smile.

    Never stand with one arm across your torso holding onto your other arm or crossing your legs at the knee-you might be comfortable, but from an evolutionary perspective, you can kiss your offspring goodbye.

    Social dominance is also shown by what researchers call **intragender touching**. This amounts to something as simple as you slapping your buddy on the back or throwing an arm around his shoulders, mano a mano.


    If you are someone who makes random nervous gestures with your hands, you're going to appear less confident, less socially dominant, and therefore less desirable to women.


    Women find **low-stress** men much and calm men more attractive than men with higher levels of cortisol (a stress hormone).


    If she wants you, she will put a bid in your direction. The most common bid is direct eye contact. A smile. Repeatedly glancing at you and away from you. These are the signals; what you do with them is up to you.


    If you choose to approach without having gotten the signal, you are risking a high rejection percentage.

    Women are **attracted to confidence and high status**. Become the best "you" possible and exhibit the nonverbal behaviors that indicate social dominance, such as space maximization, male-to-male touching, relaxation, and looking into her eyes and smiling. Avoid fidgeting, poor posture, folding your arms across your chest, or crossing your legs at the knee.

    She is interested if:
        She repeatedly glances at you and looks away.
        She leans toward you while talking.
        She points in your direction with her leg, foot, or shoulders.
        She plays with or tosses her hair.
        She fidgets with a piece of jewelry (like an earring) or strokes the stem of her glass.

    Signals of disinterest include:
        She doesn't make eye contact (unless she's shy).
        She yawns repeatedly when you talk to her.
        She leans or turns her body away from you.
        She looks over your head or scans the room.
        She tells you she's not interested in you.


    Additionally, you are not helping your cause if:
        You think hygiene and clothing don't matter.
        You think drunkenness is attractive.
        You don't make eye contact or smile at a woman you're interested in.
        Your posture or demeanor indicates weakness or you otherwise look like someone who can't keep her safe.
        You can't differentiate between confidence and arrogance. One is attractive to women; the other is not.


    Women are impressed with a guy who has emotional energy, who is passionate about whatever he's talking about, and who asks questions and really listens to the answers.

    **Conversation**
        Women are looking for transparency and honest conversation.

        if You fail to ask a follow-up question related to her answer that shows you are really listening, guess what happens: She doesn't feel safe.

        Don't hurry her along and don't finish her sentences for her. In other words, don't dominate the conversation.

        Ask her questions about her work, her life, and her interests, and keep it positive. If she starts thinking about negative things, she's going to associate those negative things with you.

    A Hero will follow up with deeper questions: "What made you decide to go into law? What do you love about it?" Listen to her answers and ask follow-up questions.

    Ask her open-ended questions. Open-ended questions are answered with more than a word or two;


    They are invitations. If the work questions seem like they are going nowhere or are not inspiring her to tell you about herself, you can ask another open-ended question: "What do you love to do when you are not working?"


    lower-pitched voices in men are considered more attractive to women, and also that men with deep voices have more children.


    people like people who like them.


    Undivided attention is a powerful aphrodisiac.

    Research shows greater compliance to a request if you have "light tactile contact."

    Touch her forearm for 1 to 2 seconds while you are asking for a dance, or her number, or a date. It's another way of indicating your social status and confidence.

    CEOs with lower voices manage bigger companies and, as a result, make more money. A decrease in voice pitch of 22.1 hertz translates to an increase in company size of $440 million in assets.


    It's not about how much you spend; it's about putting her front and center. You can plan a special date that doesn't cost a lot of money-a picnic, a hike, a trip to a free museum or cultural event. Be creative. Be playful. Plan an adventure.




    Physiological response to fear is quite similar to the physiological response to arousal. The right amygdala-the part of the brain where you most experience fear-is also one part of the brain where you experience sexual arousal. The two can often get confused.


    When you engage in an activity that is new, exciting, or dangerous, the same hormonal brew (dopamine, norepinephrine, and phenylethylamine) gets released as when you fall in love.


    So do something exciting and adventurous together on your date-arouse your central nervous systems and arouse each other.


    Ask her about her interests, her passions, her life dreams, her bucket list. Find out where she's traveled and what she loves to do. Ask her who her best friends are, and find out what they are like and what she loves about them. Ask about her family or pets (if she has any). Ask her where she went to school, and supply open-ended questions about what learning she did that most caught her attention and imagination.


    there's a fine line between interrogation and conversation, so be sure to really listen, rather than have it seem like you are checking off a list of questions


    Body language is still important. Hygiene is also important. Being a gentleman is most important.


    Be prepared to share your own passions, your own interests, and your own life dreams.


    Talk about your best friends, tell her what they're like, and talk about where you have traveled and what you loved and hated about traveling.


    Don't present your differences in a way that devalues her. Don't talk about ex-girlfriends. Don't tell stories that turn you into a victim. Talk about who you are and what you think about where you are going in life.


    **Insecurity is an attraction killer every time**. Don't ask her how she thinks the date is going. Don't ask her if she likes you. You will come off as needy and insecure.


    Create safety in conversations by **being a good listener**.
    Don't:
        You use cheesy pickup lines.
        You make overt sexual innuendoes.
        You dominate the conversation, interrupt her, or
        Only talk about yourself.
        You don't ask questions that will help you get to know her and help her tell her story.
        You think spending a lot of money on a date means you will get laid.
        You don't plan a date that makes her feel special and important.
        You stare at her breasts while she is talking or scan the room checking out other girls when you are with her.


    **Pheromones** are chemical signals that lead to attraction and a sense of well-being when you are with someone who just "smells right." Woman's sense of smell is much more acute than a man's, and your pheromones will smell right to some women and not to others. It's not personal. You do have control over your non-pheromone-related smell. Practice good hygiene accordingly.
    A **bad first kiss** is a relationship killer. A woman will remember a first kiss more than she will remember losing her virginity and other big life moments. Make that kiss one worth remembering. Kissing releases a flood of feel-good hormones. You can learn to give a great first kiss.

    whether or not people experienced close and loving relationships with their parents or caregivers early in life has a profound influence on their relationships later in life.

    A 20-year study showed that infants who had close and loving relationships with their caregivers during the first 18 months of life (these infants were called "securely attached" by the researchers) were better at handling conflict in their adult relationships.

    **Oxytocin** can cloud your judgment and lower your fear response. It is the bonding hormone that gets released during orgasm and from affection. That's why platonic sex is an oxymoron.
    **Limerence** is that first stage of attraction or love during which you obsessively think about the other person, can't sleep, feel highly sensual, and are high on love. The cascade of hormones flooding your body during limerence can cause you to ignore the warning signs or red flags in any potential relationship.
    You can be attracted to someone because of your hormones or because of imprinting from your first 18 months. Ask yourself why you might be drawn to a particular woman, and stay aware of your conscious and unconscious motivations.
    A woman is more than a hookup if you feel a connection in body, mind, and heart.
    If there's no physical connection or chemistry at first, there never will be.

    A woman is exposed to hundreds of ads a day that tell her what her body is supposed to look like. Women rarely measure up to the ideal standard of beauty portrayed by the fashion and entertainment industries. **Let her know she is beautiful exactly as she is**.
    **A woman's relationship with her body is fragile**, and even one "joke" or mean comment about her weight, size, or attractiveness can cut deeply. Heroes never criticize a woman's body.
    Men can't reverse the constant societal pressures to be thin and beautiful, but men can make any woman feel beautiful.
    Compliment her. Show her you adore and desire her just as she is.
    If a woman has a poor body image or believes you don't find her attractive, she will not be comfortable with you sexually.
    A woman's mind is her most powerful erogenous zone. **She needs to feel physically and emotionally safe** and connected with you in order to feel aroused and experience pleasure.
    The sexual anatomy of a woman is complex. Explore what feels good to her and help her show you what gives her pleasure.
    Find the clitoris, and if you can't find it, ask for directions.
    A woman has various spots-G-spot, A-spot, U-spot-that may be highly charged and erotic for her if touched and stroked the right way. Explore the spots that feel good to her, but don't pressure her to feel pleasure in any particular spot. Every woman-and every woman's body-is different.
    The erogenous zones of a woman are not limited to her genitals. (The same is true for men.) Any part of her body can be a source of extreme pleasure with the right touch. The skin, neck, ears, lips, shoulders, breasts, back, and thighs of a woman can all be erotic. Her pleasure will increase your pleasure.

    PORN IS NOT SEX. The secret to turning physiological interest into actual desire for sex is to connect the mind, the heart, and the genitals. The more you watch porn, the more you want sex that looks like porn.  It has nothing to do with what real women want.

    should seek help if: 1. You are becoming antisocial. 2. You're keeping your porn watching secret. 3. You lose track of time while watching porn. 4. Porn is interfering with your sex life. 5. You start thinking sex should be like porn.

    In porn, women are wet and waiting for sex at all times. This is acting, not reality. In real sex, women typically need to be courted, pleased, tantalized, and aroused. In porn, women worship a man's penis. In real sex, most women don't like a penis until they like the man that it is attached to.

    Forget everything you ever learned from watching porn.
    Long before you get into bed together, you can begin to make love to your partner by building anticipation and creating a sense of possibility and inevitability. Text, flirt, suggest, and build passion before you even touch.
    Every time you are sexual, you tell a story about who you are, who she is, and who you can be together. Make the story amazing.
    Most men have a pretty familiar routine-kiss the lips, touch the breasts, touch the clitoris (maybe) or vagina, and insert the penis. A skillful lover doesn't follow any set routine. You can make love to every inch of her with your words, lips, tongue, and hands. A Hero doesn't just focus on her breasts and genitals.
    Oral sex is a must for pleasing and satisfying a woman. If you don't like it-get over it.
    Most women need clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm. Become best buddies with her clitoris.
    A Hero also makes love to a woman by holding her after the sex is over. This is a great source of pleasure for women. Making this one last heroic effort (even when you want to go to sleep) will go a long way toward making you her best ever.

    Approximately 40 percent of the time, when a woman brings up an issue, men have no clue what she is talking about. We discovered this in the Love Lab, but we also discovered what Heroes do. Heroes do not get defensive. They realize that when a woman is in pain over something, she will not always say so, and that pain may

    sometimes come out as a criticism. It may feel like a personal attack, but the men who are great at being in relationships will try and find out what is going on underneath the complaint, or the issue, or the criticism. A Hero tries to find out where it hurts, and he does so by asking one or more of the following three important questions:

    Remember the number one trait she is looking for is trustworthiness. She needs to know that you are on the same team-it's not you versus her.


    If she's angry, it means there is something that's making her feel powerless, or some situation that feels unfair, or something that is making her feel like you are not taking responsibility for your part of the relationship.


    Investing in the nonconflict time is like money in the bank. It will make times of conflict go a lot smoother and happen less frequently.


    **Conflict happens-even in the best of relationships.** Men and women both get angry with the same frequency, but differ in how they manage their anger.

    Women get angry because of powerlessness, injustice, or the irresponsibility of others.

    Men get more physiologically aroused during conflict than women do. This makes men less able to handle conflict with humor, empathy, and understanding.
    Men are evolutionarily wired to be hypervigilant, aggressive, and to go on the attack if they are being threatened.
    You can learn to downregulate your anger by remembering to breathe, counting to 10, and taking a break.
    If your partner is criticizing you, she is in pain. Your job is to find out the source of her pain by asking three questions: What do you need? What are you concerned about? What are you feeling?

    **Shopping is in a woman's DNA**. Women have had to be good foragers since the dawn of time. Lives depended on it.
    Most, but not all, women love to shop. It is an expression of their creativity and a positive and social experience for them.
    Women make about 85 percent of the buying decisions for the household.
    Shopping requires a keen memory, and women have better memories than men.
    Men shop the way their ancestors hunted-get in, make the kill, get out. Women connect and create relationships around their shopping.
    If you hate to shop, don't go.
    Research shows that the degree to which a woman is clothes-conscious is a long-term predictor of marital success.
    Don't complain if she spends a lot of time shopping for shoes-specifically high heels. Trust us on this one, and read "Why You Love Women in High Heels" in this chapter.

    **Women are more socially connected than men**. Female humans and primates form social groups to ensure their survival and the survival of their offspring.
    Women tend and befriend when experiencing stress, and this releases oxytocin and reduces their stress response.
    The more friends a woman has, the more health benefits she experiences.
    Women who are socially isolated have a 66 percent increased risk of dying prematurely from any cause.
    Men typically turn to their wives or partners for their social support, but women typically turn to their female friends.
    A hallmark of domestic violence is a man feeling threatened by a woman's friends and attempting to control or limit a woman's social contacts, or to isolate her socially.
    Think of your partner's female friends as supporting you in supporting your partner.
    Encourage your partner to join a women's group or seek out friends if she feels she is lacking in female friendships.
    You live longer if you are married or have a long-term partner. She lives longer if she has female friends. You live longer if she lives longer. Encourage her female friendships.
    Women have a huge capacity for friendship and a need to connect with others, as well as an unlimited capacity for love.

    **Men want commitment just as much as women do.** Most men know when a woman is "the one." There has to be an inherent rightness for a woman to be the one-she has to smell right, feel right, taste right, and look right.
    There are three stages of love, and the stages are very selective. You can't just fall in love with anyone, and you can't make it work with everyone.
    Stage one (limerence) usually lasts a few months and is not the time to decide if a woman is the one.
    Stage two is about trust and knowing if you'll be there for each other.
    The third stage of love is about loyalty and commitment.
    Married men live longer, make more money, and are healthier than men who choose to live with a woman but stay unmarried.
    You don't need to have similar likes and dislikes to work as a couple, but you do need to be compatible in how you handle conflict and express emotions and affection.
    You will know she's the one if she makes you feel like you are your best self, and you feel more alive, adventurous, joyful, and loved when you are with her.
    Finding the one and making a commitment are about doing what it takes to make a relationship last.

    If you want to truly understand a woman, you have to understand and support her role as a mother. She has a biological drive to bond with her child and ensure her child's survival. This isn't about her not loving you or you not being as important to her.
    As a woman becomes a mother, she needs you more than ever, and your support during this transition is critical to the health of your relationship.
    Men play a critical role in a child's development-dad's playtime with a baby or child leads to the child having a higher IQ, becoming a more empathic adult, and having happier and healthier relationships later in life. You matter a lot.
    Whether you are the biological father or the father by marriage or choice, you are important to the health and well-being of your child or children.
    If you are feeling left out after a new baby is born, talk to your partner about it.
    It's up to you to ensure that the demands and workload of having a family are shared and equal. See family life as a great adventure and your relationship will thrive. You can keep the romance, flirtation, play, and adventure alive (and the conflict down) by sharing the workload and becoming her equal partner in the home, family, and relationship. Nurture your friendship and continue to attune. YOU MIGHT BE


    enter the relationship.
    You are not kind to or respectful of your partner or her/your children.
    You comment about a woman's weight while she's pregnant or after the baby comes.
    You don't listen when your partner shares her concerns about being a mother or about your children's welfare.
    You don't talk to your partner if you are feeling left out or pushed aside after the birth of a baby.


    trust again and again. Unhappy couples came right out and told us that trust was missing from their relationships; they simply could not count on their partners to "be there" for them when they needed them most. Over time, the emotional injuries they sustained from this lack of trust built a huge emotional gulf between them, damaging their marital friendship and killing off their love.


    Every time you leave one another, whether it's to go to work, the grocery store, or the gym, kiss goodbye for 6 seconds.


    Make time at least once each week for a date night. Plan it. Prepare for it.


    Think of new places to go, new things to experience, and make romancing her a habit. Court her and seduce her with the same energy you had at the beginning of your relationship.


    things to learn about her. Never stop being curious about your partner's inner world. Ask open-ended questions-questions that can't be answered by a yes or a no. Do you know what she would do if she won the lottery? What does she dream about? What and who are most important in her life right now? What is she afraid of? What is she worried about? What is she looking forward to? What is her biggest struggle?


    Compliment her, thank her, admire her, show her with your words and your actions that you love and value her. Tell her she is beautiful. Let her know you desire her. Do something nice for her. It doesn't have to be elaborate; even emptying the dishwasher can show appreciation. These positive interactions are like money in the bank,


    If you don't know what her dreams are, ask. Then move mountains, if need be, to help her make them come true.


























No Rules Rules: Netflix and the Culture of Reinvention
    If you **give employees more freedom** instead of developing processes to prevent them from exercising their own judgment, they will make better decisions and it's easier to hold them accountable. This also makes for a happier, more motivated workforce as well as a more nimble company. But to develop a foundation that enables this level of freedom you need to first increase two other elements: + Build up talent density.

    At most companies, **policies and control processes** are put in place to deal with employees who exhibit sloppy, unprofessional, or irresponsible behavior. But if you avoid or move out these people, you don't need the rules. If you build an organization made up of high performers, you can eliminate most controls. The denser the talent, the greater the freedom you can offer. + Increase candor. Talented employees have an enormous amount to learn from one another.

    We were doing far more work—with 30 percent fewer employees. To my amazement, those same eighty people were getting everything done with a passion that seemed higher than ever.

    If you have a team of five stunning employees and two adequate ones, the adequate ones will sap managers energy, so they have less time for the top performers, reduce the quality of group discussions, lowering the team's overall IQ, force others to develop ways to work around them, reducing efficiency, drive staff who seek excellence to quit, and show the team you accept mediocrity, thus multiplying the problem.

    For top performers, a great workplace isn't about a lavish office, a beautiful gym, or a free sushi lunch. It's about the joy of being surrounded by people who are both talented and collaborative. People who can help you be better. When every member is excellent, performance spirals upward as employees learn from and motivate one another.

    performance—both good and bad—is infectious. If you have adequate performers, it leads many who could be excellent to also perform adequately. And if you have a team consisting entirely of high performers, each pushes the others to achieve more.

    The behavior of the one individual quickly spread to the other group members, even though the groups were together for only forty-five minutes.

    Many weren't great at their jobs in myriad little ways, which suggested to others that mediocre performance was acceptable, and brought down the performance of everyone in the office.

    Netflix promotes not just candid feedback but also frequent feedback: The more people heard what they could do better, the better everyone got at their jobs, the better we performed as a company.

    A **feedback loop** is one of the most effective tools for improving performance. We learn faster and accomplish more when we make giving and receiving feedback a continuous part of how we collaborate. Feedback helps us to avoid misunderstandings, creates a climate of co-accountability, and reduces the need for hierarchy and rules. Frequent candid feedback exponentially magnifies the speed and effectiveness of your team.

    **The Emperor's New ClotheS** The higher you get in an organization, the less feedback you receive, and the more likely you are to "come to work naked"

    Put **feedback on the agenda** of their one-on-one meetings with your staff. Don't just ask for feedback but tell and show your employees it is expected.

    Respond to feedback with a **belonging cue** might be a small gesture, like using an appreciative tone of voice, moving physically closer to the speaker, or looking positively into t   hat person's eyes. Or it might be larger, like thanking that person for their courage and speaking about that courage in front of the larger team.

    Giving feedback in order to get frustration off your chest, intentionally hurting the other person, or furthering your political agenda is not tolerated.

    **Feedback must be actionable** must focus on what the recipient can do differently. Wrong feedback to me in Cuba would have been to stop at the comment, "Your presentation is undermining its own messages." Right feedback was, "The way you ask the audience for input is resulting in only Americans participating." Even better would have been: "If you can find a way to solicit contributions from other nationalities in the room your presentation will be more powerful."

    **Receiving Feedback** Appreciate, accept or discard: You will receive lots of feedback. You are not required to follow it. Say "thank you" with sincerity.

    Get rid of jerks as you instill a culture of candor.

    If everyone gives and receives a lot of feedback, the boss is no longer the primary individual to correct an employee's undesirable behavior.

    In the information age, **what matters is what you achieve**, not how many hours you clock, especially for the employees of creative companies like Netflix.

    **Act in Netflix's best interest** That freedom enables to use good judgment to do what was right for the company. But freedom isn't the only benefit of removing your expense policy. The second benefit is that the lack of process speeds everything up.
    When you offer freedom, even if you set context and clarify the ramifications of abuse, **a small percentage of people will cheat the system**. Don't overreact and create more rules. Just deal with the individual situation and move forward.

    When you set rules some people will **take advantage of them**. Some expenses may increase with freedom. But the costs from overspending are not nearly as high as the gains that freedom provides.

    For any type of **operational role**, where there was a clear cap on how good the work could be, we would pay middle of market rate. For all **creative jobs** we would pay one incredible employee at the top of her personal market, instead of using that same money to hire a dozen or more adequate performers.

    Managing mediocre-performing employees is harder and more time consuming.

    The entire **bonus system** is based on the premise that you can set an objective at any given moment that will continue to be important down the road. Doesn't apply at Netflix, where we have to **adapt direction quickly in response to rapid changes**. High performers don't work harder for getting a bonus.

    **High performers naturally want to succeed** and will devote all resources toward doing so whether they have a bonus hanging in front of their nose or not.

    It costs a lot more to lose people and to recruit replacements than to overpay a little in the first place.

    Employees are right to **go interview at a competitor** to find out what his worth is.

    If someone is fired because an incident at work, everyone should be informed. But if it's an employee's personal situation, it's up to that person to share details if he chooses.

    Steve Ballmer, the Microsoft CEO at the time, is this big, boisterous, friendly guy. He would talk very transparently about his mistakes, saying stuff like: "Look here, see how I really screwed this thing up." This led me to feel connected to him. What an honest thoughtful guy! And I realized: oh, it's just normal human behavior to feel more trusting of someone who is open about mistakes.

    Since then, every time I feel I've made a mistake, I talk about it fully, publicly, and frequently. I quickly came to see the biggest advantage of **sunshining a leader's errors** is to encourage everyone to think of making mistakes as normal.

    **Humility** is important in a leader and role model. When you succeed, speak about it softly or let others mention it for you. But when you make a mistake say it clearly and loudly, so that everyone can learn and profit from your errors. In other words, **Whisper wins and shout mistakes.**

    In some industries, preventing error is essential. We are in a creative market. Our big threat in the long run is not making a mistake, it's lack of innovation.

    Our risk is **failing to come up with creative ideas** for how to entertain our customers, and therefore becoming

    We now say that it is disloyal to Netflix when you disagree with an idea and do not express that disagreement. By withholding your opinion, you are implicitly choosing to not help the company.

    **Farming for dissent**: We have developed multiple systems to make sure dissent gets heard.

    I learned that **getting it perfect doesn't matter**. What matters is moving quickly and learning from what we're doing.

    If you make a big deal about a bet that didn't work out, you'll shut down all future risk-taking. People will learn that you preach but don't practice dispersed decision-making.

    We talk about sunshining our failed bets at Netflix, which means talking openly and publicly about things that go wrong. **Ask what we'd learned**.

    When you sunshine your failed bets, everyone wins. You win because people learn they can trust you to tell the truth and to take responsibility for your actions. The team wins because it learns from the lessons that came out of the project. And the company wins because everyone sees clearly that failed bets are an inherent part of an innovative success wheel.

    business leaders are continually telling their employees, "We are a family." But a high-talent-density work environment is not a family. The family represents belonging, comfort, and commitment to helping one another over the long term.

    If a person in your team were to quit tomorrow, would you try to change their mind? of would you accept their resignation? If the later, you should give them now a severance package.

    We are very careful to not have any firing quotas or ranking system. Rank-and-yank or "you must let go of X percent of your people" is just the type of rule-based process that we try to avoid.

    There is no fixed number of slots. Our sport isn't being played to a rule book and we don't have limits on how many people we play with. One employee doesn't have to lose for the other to win. On the contrary, the more excellence we have on the team, the more we accomplish. The more we accomplish, the more we grow. The more we grow, the more positions we add to our roster. The more positions we add, the more space there is for high-performing talent.

    The best response after something difficult happens is to shine a bright light on the situation so everyone can work through it in the open. When you choose to sunshine exactly what happened, your clarity and openness will wash away the fears of the group. Let's pick

    **Keeper Test**: Which of my people, if they told me they were leaving for a similar job at another company, would I fight hard to keep?

    Avoid stack-ranking systems, as they create internal competition and discourage collaboration.

    When an employee is let go, speak openly about what happened with your staff and answer their questions candidly. This will diminish their fear of being next and increase their trust in the company and its managers.

    **Only say about someone what you will say to their face.** The less we talk about people behind their backs, the more we eliminate the gossip that creates inefficiency and bad feelings—and the more we can wash our hands of the unpleasantness generally referred to as "office politics."

    I want people to receive feedback not just from their direct managers but from anyone who has feedback to provide.

    Give one another feedback following the "Start, Stop, Continue" method

    Performance reviews are not the best mechanism for a candid work environment, primarily because the feedback usually goes only one way (down) and comes from only one person (the boss).

    **Lead with context, not control**. You provide all of the information you can so that your team members make great decisions and accomplish their work without oversight or process controlling their actions. The benefit is that the person builds the decision-making muscle to make better independent decisions in the future. Leading with context won't work unless you have the right conditions in place.

    If your focus is on eliminating mistakes, then control is best.

    Loose coupling works only if there is a clear, shared context between the boss and the team. That alignment of context drives employees to make decisions that support the mission and strategy of the overall organization.

    **Highly aligned, loosely coupled**: When one of your people does something dumb don't blame them. Instead ask yourself what context you failed to set. Are you articulate and inspiring enough in expressing your goals and strategy? Have you clearly explained all the assumptions and risks that will help your team to make good decisions? Are

    In order to lead with context, you need to have high talent density, your goal needs to be innovation (not error prevention), and you need to be operating in a loosely coupled system. Once these elements are in place, instead of telling people what to do, get in lockstep alignment by providing and debating all the context that will allow them to make good decisions. When one of your people does something dumb, don't blame that person. Instead, ask yourself what context you failed to set. Are you articulate and inspiring enough in expressing your goals and strategy? Have you clearly explained all the assumptions and risks that will help your team to make good decisions? Are you and your employees highly aligned on vision and objectives? A loosely coupled organization should resemble a tree rather than a pyramid. The boss is at the roots, holding up the trunk of senior managers who support the outer branches where decisions are made. You know you're successfully leading with context when your people are moving the team in the desired direction by using the information they've received from you and those around you to make great decisions themselves.

    How has the onboarding process been and are there any changes I can make in my approach to be a more effective manager to you?

    My feedback to you is that when I send out meeting agendas in the future, you can add anything you like to the list of topics to discuss.

    The comments were frank and well-constructed. Their recommendations were actionable, and they didn't pull punches.

    If the work has been overall good I state that enthusiastically up front. Then I ease into the feedback with "a few suggestions." Then I wrap up by stating, "This is just my opinion, for whatever it is worth," and "You can take it or leave it."

    **The 4As**
        Aim to assist
        Actionable
        Appreciate
        Accept or decline
    Plus one makes 5: Adapt your delivery and your reaction to the culture you're working with to get the results that you need.

    We are **constantly debating our culture** and expecting it will continually evolve. To build a team that is innovative, fast, and flexible, keep things a little bit loose. Welcome constant change. Operate a little closer toward the edge of chaos.


The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness
    Financial outcomes are driven by **luck, independent of intelligence and effort**.

    **Financial success** is not a hard science. It's a soft skill, where **how you behave is more important** than what you know. I call this soft skill the psychology of money.

    Buying a **lottery ticket** is the only time in our lives we can hold a tangible dream of getting the good stuff that you already have and take for granted. We are paying for a dream, and you may not understand that because you are already living a dream. That's why they buy more tickets than you do.

    The hardest financial skill is **getting the goalpost to stop moving**. Social comparison is the problem here.

    There are many things never worth risking, no matter the potential gain.

    Good investing isn't necessarily about earning the highest returns, because the highest returns tend to be one-off hits that can't be repeated. It's about **earning pretty good returns that you can stick with and which can be repeated for the longest period of time**. That's when compounding runs wild.

    Compounding doesn't rely on earning big returns. Merely **good returns sustained uninterrupted for the longest period of time**.

    How you behaved as an investor during a few months in late 2008 and early 2009 will likely have more impact on your lifetime returns than everything you did from 2000 to 2008.

    Your success as an investor will be determined by how you respond to punctuated moments of terror, not the years spent on cruise control.

    A good definition of an investing genius is the man or woman who can do the average thing when all those around them are going crazy.

    The highest form of wealth is the ability to wake up every morning and say, "I can do whatever I want today.". Having a **strong sense of controlling one's life** is a more dependable predictor of positive feelings of wellbeing than any of the objective conditions of life we have considered. More than your salary.

    **Control over doing what you want, when you want to, with the people you want to**, is the broadest lifestyle variable that makes people happy.

    We've used our greater wealth to buy bigger and better stuff. But we've simultaneously given up more control over our time.

    You might be on the clock for fewer hours than you would in 1950. But it feels like you're working 24/7.

    No one—not a single person out of a thousand—said that to be happy you should:
        Try to work as hard as you can to make money to buy the things you want
        It's important to be at least as wealthy as the people around you, and if you have more than they do Choose your work based on your desired future earning power.
    What they did value were things like **quality friendships, being part of something bigger than themselves, and spending quality, unstructured time with their children**.

    When you see **someone driving a nice car**, you rarely think, "Wow, the guy driving that car is cool." Instead, you think, "Wow, if I had that car people would think I'm cool."

    People tend to want wealth to signal to others that they should be liked and admired. But in reality those other people often bypass admiring you, not because they don't think wealth is admirable, but because **they use your wealth as a benchmark for their own desire to be liked and admired**.

    Money has many ironies. Here's an important one: **Wealth is what you don't see**: It is the nice cars not purchased. The diamonds not bought. The watches not worn, the clothes forgone and the first-class upgrade declined. Wealth is financial assets that haven't yet been converted into the stuff you see. That's not how we think about wealth, because **you can't contextualize what you can't see**.

    When most people say they want to be a millionaire, what they might **actually mean is "I'd like to spend a million dollars."** And that is literally the opposite of being a millionaire. The only way to be wealthy is to not spend the money that you do have.

    Wealth is an option not yet taken to buy something later. Its value lies in offering you options, flexibility, and growth to one day purchase more stuff than you could right now.

    **Savings without a spending goal** gives you options and flexibility, the ability to wait and the opportunity to pounce. It gives you time to think. It lets you change course on your own terms.

    Savings in the bank that earn 0% interest might actually generate an extraordinary return if they give you the flexibility to take a job with a lower salary but more purpose, or wait for investment opportunities that come when those without flexibility turn desperate.

    People do not want the mathematically optimal strategy. They want the strategy that maximizes for how well they sleep at night.

    A trap many investors fall into is what I call "historians as prophets" fallacy: An overreliance on past data as a signal to future conditions in a field where innovation and change are the lifeblood of progress.

    History can be a misleading guide to the future of the economy and stock market because it doesn't account for structural changes that are relevant to today's world.

    But since economies evolve, recent history is often the best guide to the future, because it's more likely to include important conditions that are relevant to the future.

    Realizing that you don't need a specific reason to save. It's fine to save for a car, or a home, or for retirement. But it's equally important to save for things you can't possibly predict or even comprehend—the financial equivalent of field mice.

    Predicting what you'll use your savings for assumes you live in a world where you know exactly what your future expenses will be, which no one does.

    once you write that mission statement down you realize everything that's unrelated to it—what the market did this year, or whether we'll have a recession next year—is part of a game I'm not playing. So I don't pay attention to it,

    If you want to do better as an investor, the single most powerful thing you can do is **increase your time horizon**. Time is the most powerful force in investing. It makes little things grow big and big mistakes fade away. It can't neutralize luck and risk, but it pushes results closer towards what people deserve.

    Use money to gain control over your time, because not having control of your time is such a powerful and universal drag on happiness.

    The ability to do what you want, when you want, with who you want, for as long as you want to, pays the highest dividend that exists in finance.

    **Be nicer and less flashy**. No one is impressed with your possessions as much as you are. You might think you want a fancy car or a nice watch. But what you probably want is respect and admiration. And

    True success is exiting some rat race to modulate one's activities for peace of mind.




The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
    Most likely you want **your children to be happy, independent, and successful. You want them to enjoy fulfilling relationships and live a life full of meaning and purpose**.

    What percentage of your time you spend intentionally developing these qualities in your children.

    You can use all of the interactions you share: the stressful, angry ones as well as the miraculous, adorable ones—as opportunities to help them become the responsible, caring, capable people you want them to be. That's what this book is about: **using those everyday moments with your kids to help them reach their true potential**.

    By understanding a few simple and easy-to-master basics about how the brain works, you'll be able to better understand your child, respond more effectively to difficult situations, and build a foundation for social, emotional, and mental health.


    Parts of the brain
        **Left side** of the brain that helps you think logically and organize thoughts into sentences
        **Right side** that helps you experience emotions and read nonverbal cues.
        You also have a **"reptile brain"** that allows you to act instinctually and make split-second survival decisions
        And a **"mammal brain"** that leads you toward connection and relationships.

    The key to thriving is to help these parts work well together—to integrate them. Integration takes the distinct parts of your brain and helps them work together as a whole.

    Your left brain loves and desires order. It is logical, literal, linguistic (it likes words), and linear (it puts things in a sequence or order).

    The right brain, on the other hand, is holistic and nonverbal, sending and receiving signals that allow us to communicate, such as facial expressions, eye contact, tone of voice, posture, and gestures. Instead of details and order, our right brain cares about the big picture—the meaning and feel of an experience—and specializes in images, emotions, and personal memories. We get a "gut feeling" or "heart-felt sense" from our right brain. Some say the right brain is more intuitive and emotional.

    Very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their first three years. They haven't mastered the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings, and they live their lives completely in the moment Logic, responsibilities, and time don't exist for them yet. But when a toddler begins asking "Why?" all the time, you know that the left brain is beginning to really kick in.

    In order to live balanced, meaningful, and creative lives full of connected relationships, it's crucial that our two hemispheres work together.

    When a child is upset, logic often won't work until we have responded to the right brain's emotional needs.

    Hours of screen time—playing video games, watching television, texting—will wire the brain in certain ways. Educational activities, sports, and music will wire it in other ways. Spending time with family and friends and learning about relationships, especially with face-to-face interactions, will wire it in yet other ways. Everything that happens to us affects the way the brain develops.

    That's what we want to do for each of our kids: help their brain become more integrated so they can use their mental resources to full capacity.


    A person's brain isn't considered fully developed until she reaches her mid-twenties.

    So one extreme is chaos, where there's a total lack of control. The other extreme is rigidity, where there's too much control, leading to a lack of flexibility and adaptability. We all move back and forth between these two banks as we go through our days—especially as we're trying to survive parenting.


    Chaos and rigidity arise when integration is blocked.


    When she is in a state of integration: she is flexible, adaptive, stable, and able to understand herself and the world around her.

    As a partent, are you too right-brain dominant? maybe your tendency is to live in a left-brain emotional desert, so you are rigid in your reactions and have a hard time reading and responding to your children's emotions and needs?


    downstairs brain is primitive, the upstairs brain is highly sophisticated, controlling some of your most important higher-order and analytical thinking.

    responsible for producing many of the characteristics we hope to see in our kids: Sound decision making and planning Control over emotions and body Self-understanding Empathy Morality A child whose upstairs brain is properly functioning will demonstrate some of the most important characteristics of a mature and healthy human being.

    when a child's upstairs brain is working well, she can regulate her emotions, consider consequences, think before acting, and consider how others feel—all

    a person's brain works best when the upstairs and downstairs are integrated with each other. So a parent's goal should be to help build and reinforce the metaphorical stairway

    the upstairs can monitor the actions of the downstairs and help calm the strong reactions, impulses, and emotions that originate there.

    kids are prone to getting "trapped downstairs," without the use of their upstairs brain, which results in them flying off the handle, making poor decisions, and showing a general lack of empathy and self-understanding.



    The most important "we" in your life as a parent is **the relationship you share with your child**. That relationship significantly impacts your child's future.

    Research studies have consistently shown that when parents offer repeated, predictable experiences in which they **see and sensitively respond to their children's emotions and needs**, their children will thrive—socially, emotionally, physically, and even academically.

    imagine your child holding his child, and realize **the power of what you are passing on**. And it won't stop there. Your grandchildren can take what they learn from their parents and pass it further along as a continuing legacy of joy and happiness.

    whole-brain perspective is that it lets you understand that even the mistakes are opportunities




    **1. Left + right = clarity and understanding**: Help your kids use both the logical left brain and the emotional right brain as a team.


    **2. Connect and redirect** When your child is upset, connect first emotionally, right brain to right brain. Then, once your child is more in control and receptive, bring in the left-brain lessons and discipline.

    "connect and redirect" method, and it begins with helping our kids "feel felt" before we try to solve problems or address the situation logically.

        Step 1: Connect with the Right: Nonverbal signals like physical touch, empathetic facial expressions, a nurturing tone of voice, and nonjudgmental listening.

        Step 2: Redirect with the Left: Then she could begin to appeal to her son's left brain and address the specific issues he had raised. In other words, then it was time for step 2, which helps to integrate the left and the right. Redirect him by logically explaining how hard she works to be fair, by promising to leave a note while he slept, and by strategizing with him about his next birthday and about how to make homework more fun.



    **3. Name it to tame it** When big, right-brain emotions are raging out of control, help your kids tell the story about what's upsetting them, so their left brain can help make sense of their experience and they can feel more in control (integrating the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain).

    When your child is upset, make sure to acknowledge his feelings. This should always be your first move. But then, as quickly as possible, get him moving. Roughhouse with him. Play follow the leader. Race him to his bedroom and back. Get him to move and you'll change his mood.

    Whatever behavior is inappropriate in your family—being disrespectful, hurting someone, throwing things—should remain off-limits even in moments of high emotion. You may need to stop destructive behavior and remove your child from the situation before you begin to connect and redirect.

    It's generally a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down, since moments of emotional flooding are not the best times for lessons to be learned.

    Nobody likes to be told no, and it's an especially ineffective strategy to use too often with toddlers. When possible, avoid outright power struggles with your little one. Save your no for when you really need it. The next time you hear yourself beginning to forbid her from hitting the mirror with the stick, stop. Instead, engage her upstairs brain: Let's go outside. What could you do with that stick in the yard?

    Some of the best conversations with children take place while something else is happening.

    Children are much more apt to share and talk while building something, playing cards, or riding in the car than when you sit down and look them right in the face and ask them to open up.

    **Develop the upstairs brain** Watch for ways to help build the sophisticated upstairs brain, which is "under construction" during childhood and adolescence and can be "hijacked" by the downstairs brain, especially in high-emotion situations.

    Children this small may not know about a remote, but they know the power of a story. Enjoy this time when your child wants to tell (and retell) stories. Rather than pausing and fast-forwarding, you may end up simply pressing play repeatedly as you tell the same story multiple times. Even if you feel annoyed at having to go over the account again and again, remember that storytelling produces understanding, healing, and integration.

    **Engage, don't enrage** In high-stress situations, engage your child's upstairs brain, rather than triggering the downstairs brain. Don't immediately play the "Because I said so!" card. Instead, ask questions, request alternatives, even negotiate.

    At this age, ask simple questions, focusing on returning your child's attention to the details of her day. We went to Carrie's house today, didn't we? And do you remember what we did there? Questions like these are the building blocks for an integrated memory system.

    Two different types of tantrums. An upstairs tantrum occurs when a child essentially decides to throw a fit. She makes a conscious choice to act out, to push buttons and terrorize you until she get what she wants. She is able to control her emotions and body, to be logical and make good decisions. Basic necessities get taken care of downstairs.

    **The amygdala's job** is to quickly process and express emotions, especially anger and fear. Isn't usually so good in normal, everyday situations, like when we storm from our car and yell at another parent for breaking the no-waiting rule. That's what we call **"flipping our lid,"** and it's how the amygdala can get us into trouble: it takes over and relieves the upstairs brain from its duties. When we're not truly in danger, we want to think before acting, instead of the other way around. We want our kids to do the same.

    The tantrum can be one of the most unpleasant parts of parenting. A parent who recognizes an upstairs tantrum is left with one clear response: never negotiate with a terrorist. An upstairs tantrum calls for firm boundaries and a clear discussion about appropriate and inappropriate behavior.

    A good response in this situation would be to calmly explain, "I understand that you're excited about the slippers, but I don't like the way you're acting. If you don't stop now, you won't get the slippers, and I'll need to cancel your playdate this afternoon, because you're showing me that you're not able to handle yourself well."


    **4. Use it or lose it** Provide lots of opportunities to exercise the upstairs brain. Play "What would you do?" games, and avoid rescuing kids from difficult decisions.

    Find ways to let your child use her upstairs brain and **make decisions for herself**. Do you want to wear your blue or red shirt today? Would you like milk or water with dinner? When you read together, ask brain-growing questions: How do you think the kitty will get down from the tree? Why does the girl look sad?

    Lay the foundation for an awareness of the difference between "feel" and "am." When young children feel sad (or angry or afraid), they have a hard time understanding that they won't always feel that way. So help them say, "I feel sad right now, but I know I'll be happy later." Be careful, though, that you don't dismiss the actual feelings. Acknowledge the present emotion and provide comfort, then help your child understand that he won't feel sad forever, that he will feel better soon.

    Then she asked her daughter to work with her to be a problem solver. Once the girl asks, "How do we do that?" the mother knows that the upstairs brain is engaged.

    The upstairs brain is like a muscle: when it gets used, it develops, gets stronger, and performs better. And when it gets ignored, it doesn't develop optimally,

    One big parental temptation is to make decisions for our kids, so that they consistently do the right thing. But as often as possible, we need to give them practice at making decisions for themselves.

    For very young children, this can be as simple as asking, "Do you want to wear your blue shoes or your white shoes today?" Then, as kids get older, we can give them more responsibility in the decision making and allow them to take on some dilemmas that can really challenge them.


    **5. Move it or lose it** When a child has lost touch with his upstairs brain, help him regain balance by having him move his body.

    Controlling Emotions and the Body Another important—and difficult—task for little ones is to remain in control of themselves.

    Self-understanding One of the best ways to foster self-understanding in your children is to ask questions that help them look beyond the surface of what they understand: Why do you think you made that choice? What made you feel that way? Why do you think you didn't do well on your test—was it because you were hurrying, or is this just really difficult material?

    When your child is old enough to be able to write—or even just draw—you might give him a journal and encourage daily writing or drawing. This ritual can enhance his ability to pay attention to and understand his internal landscape.

    Empathy is another important function of the upstairs brain.

    When you ask simple questions that encourage the consideration of another's feelings, you are building your child's ability to feel empathy.

    The more you give your child's upstairs brain practice at thinking of others, the more capable he will be of having compassion.

    Leaving the store: "That woman wasn't very nice to us, was she? Do you think something might have happened to her that made her feel sad today?"

    All of the above attributes of a well-integrated upstairs brain culminate in one of our most important goals for our children: a strong sense of morality.

    Another way to exercise this part of the brain is to offer hypothetical situations, which kids often love: Would it be OK to run a red light if there was an emergency? If a bully was picking on someone at school and there were no adults around, what would you do? The point is to challenge your children to think about how they act, and to consider the implications of their decisions.

    Doesn't seem fair, does it? Let's go ride our bikes and talk about it. Sometimes just moving your body can help your brain feel like things are going to be OK. However you do it, the point is to help your child regain some sort of balance and control by moving their body, which can remove blockages and pave the way for integration to return.


    **6. Make the implicit explicit** Help your kids make their implicit memories explicit, so that past experiences don't affect them in debilitating ways.

    **Use the remote of the mind** When a child is reluctant to narrate a painful event, the internal remote lets her pause, rewind, and fast-forward a story as she tells it, so she can maintain control over how much of it she views.


    **7. Remember to remember**: Help your kids exercise their memory by giving them lots of practice at recalling important events: in the car, at the dinner table, wherever.


    You can use the moments when you feel yourself losing control as opportunities to model self-regulation. Little eyes are watching to see how you calm yourself down. Your actions set an example of how to make a good choice in a high-emotion moment when you're in danger of flipping your lid.

    We encode implicit memory throughout our lives, and in the first eighteen months we encode only implicitly.

    Implicit memory encodes our perceptions, our emotions, our bodily sensations, and, as we get older, behaviors like learning to crawl and walk and ride a bike and eventually change a diaper. What's

    implicit memories cause us to form expectations about the way the world works, based on our previous experiences.

    neurons that fire together wire together, we create certain mental models based on what's gone on in the past. If you hug your toddler every evening when you come home from work, he'll have a model in his mind that your return will be filled with affection and connection.

    implicit memory creates something called "priming" in which the brain readies itself to respond in a certain way.

    Implicit memory is essentially an evolutionary process that keeps us safe and out of danger.

    A more extreme version of this process occurs in the case of post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, where an implicit memory of a disturbing experience becomes encoded in a person's brain,

    the main thing Tina did here was to tell the story of where her son's fears came from. She used narrative to help his implicit memories become explicit and full of meaning, so they wouldn't act on him with such hidden power.

    Unless kids can make sense of their painful memories, they may experience sleep disturbances, debilitating phobias, and other problems.
    **The wheel of awareness: When your kids get stuck on one particular point on the rim of their wheel of awareness, help them choose where they focus their attention so they can gain more control over how they feel.

    Help your child become aware of and talk about her internal world. Ask questions that guide her toward noticing bodily sensations (Are you hungry?), mental images (What do you picture when you think about Grandma's house?), feelings (It's frustrating when the blocks fall, isn't it?), and thoughts (What do you think will happen when Jill comes over tomorrow?).

    help your kids talk about their experiences, so they can integrate their implicit and explicit memories. This is especially important when it comes to the most important and valuable moments of their lives. The more you can help bring those noteworthy moments into their explicit memory—such as family experiences, important friendships, or rites of passage—then the clearer and more influential those experiences will be.

    Just recounting basic facts like this helps develop your child's memory and prepares her for interacting with more significant memories down the road.

    journaling can improve immune and heart function, as well as general well-being.

    **8. Let the clouds of emotion roll by**: Remind kids that feelings come and go; they are temporary states, not enduring traits.

    Even small children can learn to be still and take calm breaths, if only for a few seconds. Have your child lie on her back and place a toy boat on her stomach. Show her how to take slow, big breaths to make the boat go up and down. Keep this exercise very short since she's so young. Just let her experience the feeling of being still, quiet, and peaceful.

    **SIFT**: Help your children pay attention to the Sensations, Images, Feelings, and Thoughts within them.

    We need to help children understand that the clouds of their emotions can (and will) roll on by. They won't feel sad or angry or hurt or lonely forever. This is a difficult concept for kids to understand at first.

    we have to help them understand that feelings are temporary—on average, an emotion comes and goes in ninety seconds.

    they first need to become aware of what it is they are actually experiencing.

    help our children recognize and understand the different rim points of their individual wheel of awareness.

    They can learn to recognize stomach butterflies as markers of anxiety, a desire to hit as anger or frustration, heavy shoulders as sadness, and so on. They can identify tension in their body when they're nervous, then learn to relax their shoulders and take deep breaths to calm themselves. Simply recognizing different sensations like hunger, tiredness, excitement, and grumpiness can give children a great deal of understanding and ultimately influence over their feelings.

    help them be specific, so they can go from vague emotional descriptors like "fine" and "bad" to more precise ones, like "disappointed," "anxious," "jealous," and "excited."

    **9. Exercise mindsight**: Mindsight practices teach children to calm themselves and focus their attention where they want.

    **10. Wired for "we"**: Watch for ways to capitalize on the brain's built-in capacity for social interaction. Create positive mental models of relationships.

    Talk with your child about sharing and taking turns, but don't expect too much from her. In the coming years you will have many opportunities to teach social skills and discipline. Right now, if there's conflict between her and another child, help her express how she feels and how the other child might feel, and help them problem-solve if possible. Then redirect them both so they can transition into a different activity they can each enjoy.

    in our ever-changing modern society, learning to move from "me" to "we" may be essential for how our children will be able to adapt in our future world. Helping children become a participating member of a "we" while not losing touch with their individual "me" is a tall order for any parent.

    But happiness and fulfillment result from being connected to others while still maintaining a unique identity. That's

    studies of happiness and wisdom reveal that a key factor in well-being is devoting one's attention and passions to the benefit of others instead of just focusing on the individual,

    If we want to prepare kids to participate as healthy individuals in a relationship, we need to create within them an open, receptive state, instead of a closed, reactive one.

    **11. Enjoy each other**: Build fun into the family, so that your kids enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people they're with the most.

    Follow your child's lead and just play. Tickle him, laugh with him, love him. Stack things up, knock them down. Bang on pots and pans, go to the park, roll the ball. With every interaction in which you focus on and attune to your child, you can create positive expectations in his mind about what it means to love and be in a relationship.

    Tell jokes. Be silly. Take an interest in what they care about. The more they enjoy the time they spend with you and the rest of the family, the more they'll value relationships and desire more positive and healthy relational experiences in the future. The reason is simple. With every fun, enjoyable experience you give your children while they are with the family, you provide them with positive reinforcement about what it means to be in loving relationship with others.



    **12. Connect through conflict**: Instead of an obstacle to avoid, view conflict as an opportunity to teach your kids essential relationship skills, like seeing other people's perspectives, reading nonverbal cues, and making amends.

    Now is the time, as early as possible, to begin teaching your child about emotions. Mirror feelings and use nonverbals (like hugs and empathetic facial expressions) to show that you understand: You're frustrated, aren't you? Then, once you've connected, set the boundary: Biting hurts. Please be gentle. Finally, focus on an appropriate alternative or move on to something else: Hey, there's your bear. I haven't seen him in a long time.

    Repair: Teach Kids to Make Things Right After a Conflict

    Listen to What's Not Being Said: Teach Kids About Nonverbal Communication and Attuning to Others

    after winning a big soccer game, your son might need you to help him notice that his friend on the other team is in need of some cheering up, even if he says he's fine. As evidence, you can point to the friend's body language and facial expressions—the drooping shoulders, the lowered head, the downcast face. By helping your son make these simple observations you'll increase his mindsight, and

    situation might call for a specific,

    Sometimes they need to take steps to right whatever they've done wrong. The situation might call for a specific, direct response: repairing or replacing a broken toy, or helping to rebuild some sort of project. Or a more relational response might be warranted, like drawing the other person a picture, performing an act of kindness, or writing a letter of apology. The point is that you're helping your kids demonstrate acts of love and contrition that show they've thought about another's feelings and want to find a way to repair the rupture in the relationship.

    bring up the question "If it were you and your favorite thing were broken, what would help you feel better?"

    Each new movement toward considering someone else's feelings creates stronger connections in the relational

    "discipline" really means "to teach"—not "to punish." A disciple is a student, not a recipient of behavioral consequences.

    take moments of conflict and transform them into opportunities for learning, skill building, and brain development.


Become an Effective Software Engineering Manager: How to Be the Leader Your Development Team Needs

    As a manager you can
        Create the conditions that allow others to succeed, to learn, to feel psychologically safe, and to be creative.
        You can be the person who helps your staff grow and achieve way beyond the level they thought was possible.
        You can create the team that allows people to enjoy turning up to work each day, ready to tackle challenging problems together.
        Twenty years from now, you can be front of mind when your staff are asked where their careers began to take off. Yes, that really can be you.

    You'll also want to invite their opinion about what they like about the team and what is going well compared to what they currently find most challenging and needs improving.

    **Alignment**: Observations or beliefs that you, your team, and your manager all share.

    **Poor communication downward**: This is where you and your manager share observations or beliefs, but the team is either unaware or disagrees.

    **Poor communication upward**: This is where you and your team share an observation or belief, but your manager is unaware.

    **False beliefs**: both your manager and the team have a conflicting observation or belief from your own.

    Based on the snapshot that you made, sort your observations into different buckets:
    Items to talk about with your team
    Items to talk about with your manager:

    Organize yourself so that you don't forget anything. Categorize your activities throughout the day.

    **Measure your output** in a way that helps you make priority decisions about how best to spend your time.

    Only put the following things in your calendar:
    Meetings with other people.
    Activities that indicate that you are busy (for example, lunch, out of office, doctor's appointment).
    Blocks of time to prevent others from booking over them (for instance, when you need to focus).

    This system boils down to four tools that form your tool belt:
    Your calendar: for organizing your time.
    Your to-do list: for organizing your tasks.
    Your email inbox: for organizing your incoming messages.
    Your place to capture information: for when you're not in front of the other three tools.

    The core principle of the system is this: you want to keep as little information in your head as possible.

    **Block out regular chunks of time to focus**. Simply put an entry in your calendar, usually of a few hours in length, called "no meetings please." Those are the times when you can close your email, put on your headphones, and concentrate on a task. It's well within your right to do so.

    Open your calendar as your first task at work every morning and review the day; this allows you to prioritize any preparations if necessary. Get in the habit of shifting meetings around to batch them together to give you a chance at achieving flow.

    how do you organize and prioritize your tasks? That's where your to-do list comes. Your to-do list should be the only place where your tasks live. Use it to remind yourself of anything you want: to check emails in the morning, to tidy your assigned tickets, to send that thank-you email. Keep as much out of your brain as possible.

    If it isn't on your to-do list, don't do it until it is. It'll force you to form a habit of using it.

    **Categories**: You can put to-do items into categories, which allows you to show and hide different projects and streams of work from view.
    **Subtasks**: Each to-do item has a free-text description box, which is handy for writing long form notes in, and also allows subtasks and comments.

    The software lets you put anything not due to be completed today into Later, which can be hidden from view to reduce the feeling of information overload.

    Your **email inbox** is your primary source of incoming messages. Any other software that you use, such as your chat application or ticket tracker, consider to be a secondary source. Configure all other pieces of software to email you if someone messages you or if there's activity in other applications.

    Archive anything you're done with. If you've read it, archive it. If you've replied, archive it. If you've got to do something other than reply, put that task on your to-do list and archive the email.

    Never delete email. It is a transactional record of communication.

    Unsubscribe from lists you don't read.

    Set up an email rule for important messages.

    You should perform **multiple batch email sessions a day** rather than keeping your email open all of the time.

    Inbox zero is an extension to the approach above, where you aim to keep your inbox empty at all times.

    You sit down at your desk and open your to-do list. Today already contains some recurring tasks, such as preparation for a weekly meeting and a one-to-one. It also contains a daily reminder to go through your emails. You open your calendar and see what the day holds. You add a few items to your to-do list. You then prioritize the list by dragging the tasks into a different order. You tell yourself that if you can get through that list today, you'll feel accomplished.


    Others that do are replied to and then archived. Anything requiring action beyond a response—for example, having a conversation with someone—goes into your to-do list. Then you archive the email.


    Categorize the managerial activities that you partake in daily into four buckets: Information gathering Decision-making Nudging Being a role model

    **Information Gathering**: The information that you hold is critical to your success as a manager. Your knowledge base is what you use to understand what is going on in your team and the wider company and is fundamentally what you base your decisions on.

    Keep adding information to your knowledge base. Seek it out, ask questions, and be inquisitive. The desire to gather information will also motivate you to talk to others, make connections with your peers, and be a better manager.

    **Decision-Making**: The ability to decide is a privilege that not everybody has.

    **Nudging**: The concept of nudging is influencing a decision by contributing your own viewpoint to the discussion. Make it clear how you feel about the situation. You are not the decision-maker, but you can influence the decision.


    **Being a Role Model** The best way to demonstrate to your staff and your peers is to lead by example. Be present and visible, get involved in day-to-day discussions, and contribute technically if you have the time and inclination. Demonstrating the standards that you wish to see others perform to is the best way to create change,


    **How to Measure Your Output as a Manager**: You are ultimately accountable for your team's output. If they're not able to perform well, then it's your job to improve it. Your team's output is more important than your own personal output. This means you should be spending more time delegating, coaching, and mentoring, rather than doing tasks yourself.


    You also do your work through those outside your team that you influence.


    Working with Individuals An essential management skill is being able to work with, and through, other people.


    What is the language and communication style you should use so you can discuss, debate, and deliver feedback both openly and candidly? What is delegation and how should you use it like an API for getting work done through others? How can you use delegation to get tasks done efficiently and to a high standard? How well does your team run and how is it doing in the context of the department and organization?


    How to Communicate Well Good communication is the connective tissue between everything you do as a manager.


    It can make all of your activities more effective.


    remember this key point: try your best to represent your best self no matter how and where you are communicating.


    In the same way programmers continually strive to write elegant and efficient code, managers should strive to be elegant and efficient communicators.


    you'll want to: Choose the right medium in which to communicate your message. Communicate effectively using the inherent traits for that medium.


    Face-to-face communication is best for exchanges that require real human connection, where you can bring your physical presence and use your body language. However, it's synchronous and requires both parties to be there. It's best for important conversations, such as delivering a performance review. It's also the hardest to plan and steer, since you don't have time to contemplate long and hard over your replies.


    Email is fairly formal. It is also archival, which makes it the perfect place for information that you'll want to refer back to. The medium has an expectation that it's highly asynchronous:


    Documents—especially collaborative ones—are excellent for formalizing ideas such as the design of a new piece of architecture.


    Chat carries an expectation of synchronous exchange; especially on platforms where it shows you who is online and typing. It's great for communication in teams, informal exchanges, and asking quick questions. It's not always a good place for formal discussions because it moves quickly and the reader can easily get lost.


    Use-case specific software such as ticket trackers or project-management software are excellent for solving a specific workflow problem—such as organizing your current sprint—but


    think carefully about the medium that you should use.


    We're humans. So if you've just come out of a frustrating meeting that has made you want to throw your laptop out the window, then be aware that you'll be carrying this frustration into the next meeting, email, or chat message that you write.


    This might mean that you end up making somebody else feel that you're annoyed at them, when in fact you're annoyed at somebody else. Even worse, you may transfer this frustration and anger over to them! So you need to be mindful of your own mood. Check in on yourself regularly throughout the day.


    How are you feeling, and is this how you want to present yourself to others?


    deal with residual bad energy in two ways.


    Tell the next person that you're speaking to up front about how you're feeling and, if you're able to share, why that is.


    Delay the next activity that you're doing until you've become more centered.


    If it's a meeting, just be honest: I'm really sorry, but I've just had a really frustrating meeting and need to get fifteen minutes of fresh air.


    As a manager your word carries weight: it can be interpreted as a command or as feedback. Therefore, you should think twice before you broadcast information.


    Measure Twice, Cut Once


    Don't communicate when you want to. Communicate when you need to. For example, if you've heard a rumor about the next project that your team is going to work on but it isn't confirmed yet, is it absolutely necessary that your team knows that rumor? Not really. Wait until it's confirmed, thus making your communication concise, clear, and trustworthy. Don't spread gossip.


    A manager's communication should never be driven by increasing their social capital. It should be informative, useful, and actionable.


    It's Not About You


    When you're writing that email, or having that conversation, try to picture what you are delivering from the viewpoint of the person receiving it. Reread that email before you send it and pretend you're reading it for the first time. Does it make sense? Is the tone right? Is it better placed as a face-to-face conversation?


    Make Your Conversations Two-Way


    Conversations should be transactional between both parties. Ensure that you connect at a human level with the people that you are communicating with. Again, you're not a management robot issuing instructions. You're a human being connecting with another human being. Be natural and inquisitive.


    Listen. Ask questions. Invite responses. Ensuring that those you speak to have air space in their conversations with you shows that you care about their opinion. It develops trust between you.


    Respect the Preferences of Others Be aware that different people have preferences over how information is delivered. This is an excellent subject for your one-to-ones.


    How to Give Feedback


    Care personally about the individual that you're talking to you. This ensures that you communicate with them because it's in their best interests and you want to see them improve. Challenge directly to ensure you say exactly what you think. Get to the point, and if you think that something isn't good enough, say it. These two traits of sincerity and specificity ensure that you strengthen your relationship with your staff and push them toward growth.


    Radical candor is what happens when you care personally and challenge directly. You say what you think and deliver the feedback precisely but in such a way that ensures the recipient sees that you are doing so because you care. This is where you want to be. It promotes trust and growth.


    Ruinous empathy happens when you care but don't challenge directly. It's either unspecific praise or diluted criticism to avoid a difficult message. This doesn't help the recipient improve. Obnoxious aggression is when you challenge but don't care. It's insincere praise or mean criticism. Manipulative insincerity is when you do neither. Good behaviors go unpraised, and bad behaviors are ignored.


    When you're delivering feedback to your staff, keep this quadrant in your head. Are you being radically candid? If not, why?


    As a manager, you'll want to avoid a number of bad communication traits. Be


    Overcommunication. Saying the same thing over and over again is inefficient and can frustrate other people.


    Waffling. We've all observed politicians in interviews avoiding questions by talking. And talking. And talking. Don't waffle. If


    Playing to the crowd. Nobody wants a manager who does whatever it takes to please them,


    Inconsistency. Ensure that you're being the same person to everyone, and that your message remains consistent with everyone.


    Letting emotion get in the way_.


    communication is not about you. It's about the recipients.


    delegation is the transfer of responsibility for a task from yourself to a direct report.


    You Do Not Delegate Accountability


    If you have accountability for a task, then you are being held to account for the completion of that task to the required level of quality. If you have responsibility for a task, then you're the one who is actually doing it.


    Delegation is giving responsibility of a task to somebody else, while maintaining accountability for it. Sometimes


    Delegate. You cannot be an effective manager without delegating your work.


    Delegate enough to challenge your staff. Delegation is a win-win situation, since your team can get more done and your staff get to feel challenged, learn new skills, and accomplish things together.


    Retain enough control depending on the criticality of the task. For important, highly visible work, don't be afraid to move to the left on the scale to ensure that you're on top of what's going on. Don't: Abdicate. You cannot delegate without maintaining accountability for the task.


    Expect others to work the same way as you.


    Working with Your Manager


    you should pull on your manager, not wait for them to push to you. What this means is that it's up to you to get the best out of the relationship that you have with your manager. Be proactive and don't wait for them. Book that meeting, have that conversation with them, ask for that help.


    At the beginning of your relationship with your manager, you should talk about performance.


    What does your performance equate to in the eyes of your manager? Is it the retention and happiness of your staff, the amount of work that you get done on time, some strict uptime SLAs, or is it entirely subjective? What is their performance dependent upon? You can begin to get a view into the wider organization.


    colleagues. If you had to rate the performance


    If you had to rate the performance of another programmer, then you may have considered: What level of technical expertise does this individual have? Are they able to take on large, ambiguous, and technically challenging problems and solve them in code?


    How much do they increase the skill of the whole team? Are they a patient and skilled mentor


    Do they have a positive effect on the team? Are they motivating and optimistic, and do they lead by example? Do others follow what they do? Do they understand the bigger picture of the software that they are building and the needs of the company?


    I would advise that you work on framing your own role in the same manner with your manager.


    if you'd like some inspiration for an initial conversation with your manager:
        What traits does a high-performing manager have?
        What do they say and do regularly that make them so? How do you measure that a manager's team is doing a good job?
        Is it simply through the output of their team, or is it through team happiness, retention, or all of these things? In the spaces between doing hands-on managerial activities, what is a successful manager doing? Are they getting stuck-in with coding, or are they working with their manager and peers on making the department a better place? If it's the latter, then what sort of activities does that entail?
        How connected should a team's manager be across the organization? Should they primarily be concerned about their team, or should they also be regularly talking to designers, product managers, and sales and customer success staff?

    A simple technique is to ask questions during your one-to-one meetings.


    It can expose additional things you can help your manager with.


    number of benefits: It exposes you to the concerns that are going on at one level up in the org chart.


    It shows that you're interested in career progression and growing outside of the confines of your role. It strengthens your relationship because you are taking an active interest in their world.
        So what's been on your mind this week?
        What's your biggest worry at the moment?
        How are your other staff doing?
        What are your peers working on?

    journaling in one's personal life can have a positive effect on mood and well-being. I've found the same to be true about weekly journaling at work.
        **Progress**: What has happened since last time you wrote?
        **Problems**: What issues have occurred and what needs addressing?
        **Plans**: How are you going to approach those issues going forward?
        **People**: How are the individuals on the team? Are they doing well or are they having a hard time? What could be improved?

    Pick a suitable time to do it and make it a recurring to-do.

    Dedicate thirty uninterrupted minutes to writing. Make some high-level bullet points on the areas that you've been focusing on, whether those are elements of the project, interactions that you've had with your staff or outside the team, concerns you have about what's coming next, or any progress toward your goals.

    Write as you think in a continual flow. Don't worry about formality.

    **One-to-Ones**: By performing them mindfully and to a high standard, you can have a tremendous impact on the performance of your staff, and even on their lives.


    You'll want to do one-to-ones with each of your staff **every week**.


    I have a **shared private document** with each of my direct reports that contains our agenda. A private document is a great way of recording what is discussed within your one-to-ones and capturing actions that either you or your staff have to do.


    Contains:
        Which Areas Would You Like the Most Support With?
        How Would You Like to Receive Feedback and Support?
        What Could Be a Challenge of Us Working Together?
        How Might We Know if the Support I'm Offering Isn't Going Well?
        How Confidential Is the Content of Our Meetings?


    pre-fill the agenda with some items. These can be anything from: Observations from the past week, either about their work or the team's. These can be good or bad observations, or even just areas where I'd like to probe a bit further and find out more. A deep dive into a project or piece of architecture that they're working on. Updates that will be interesting for my staff, such as what has recently gone on in any other meetings that I'm part of, or in my case, anything my own manager has told me, such as relevant things discussed at the last board meeting. Coaching. We'll learn more about coaching in Chapter

    the meeting is theirs, not yours. What this means is that you must "keep the thought bubble over their head" for as much of the meeting as possible. Do this by asking leading questions, nudging the conversation in particular directions, and most of all, by listening.


    your direct reports to do 70% of the talking. If you feel like solving their problem for them, don't. Ask another question and let them arrive at the conclusion themselves.

    I.E
        How has your work been going this week?
        What are you working on today?
        Tell me about those production issues we had last week.
        Do you think that we're measuring our uptime well enough?
        How are you feeling about our deadline in June?
        How best could we ensure that we've got all of the right metrics being logged ahead of time?

    asking lots of leading questions,

    let them dig into their mind and surface the issues that really matter to them. They'll know.

    Don't make iterating through the tasks that your staff are working on the primary purpose.

    Updates: The Boring Part One-to-ones are not status update meetings.

    Ideally there's already another place where you could find out this information if you wanted to, such as the team's tickets.

    Instead of just nodding and listening to what they've been doing, why not probe deeper by asking some questions?
        How could we deploy that into production quicker?
        Is this the correct technical approach? What are some alternatives?
        Have you seen any open source software that could solve that problem for us?

    If you have a particularly quiet direct report, or if you're just looking to mix up the material a bit, then here's a whole bunch of example topics that you're welcome to use for yourself.

    **Architecture deep dives**: At irregular intervals, I find it fun to ask my direct report to take me through the latest architecture of some part of the system that we're working on. I ask questions about various parts in terms of speed, resilience, redundancy, and so on.


    **Process deep dives**: * How many steps does it take to get something done, such as releasing code to production? Why is that? Could those steps be reduced, and if so, how? Could any processes be removed completely?

    A **relevant article you've seen**: I typically read a bunch of technology sites, such as Hacker News. If there's something interesting I've seen—either as a subject or as an open source project—I'll talk about it.

    Teaching: Once you've finished this book, you'll have a whole host of topics to talk through with your direct reports. If you share them, then they'll be able to see more of the world through your eyes. For example, have they ever thought about delegation and how they could factor that into how they share work with less senior staff so they can learn new skills? The department or company direction: What do they think? Do they feel confident in where the company is going, or do they have reservations?

    **Collecting feedback**: Has anyone on the team been particularly helpful recently?

    **Sharing a task you're working on**: People are always interested in what their managers are working on, so why not go through it together?

    I use a bullet point format to arrange information, and actions are always in bold font.


    Remember: You Are Not a Therapist


    What Motivates People?


    **Maslow's model**:
        You want to be paid fairly for what you do and to have some reasonable benefits.
        Safety. You want job security and a safe working environment.
        Love/belonging. You want to work with colleagues that you like and that inspire you, and you want to build good relationships with your team and your manager.
        Esteem. You want to be recognized for what you do, both informally through feedback and formally through your job title and promotions.
        Self-actualization. You want to be challenged so that you grow and continually expand your skills. You want to feel that there is always somewhere to advance next in your career.

    Framed in this way, you can see why those with highly paid but extremely frustrating or boring jobs eventually quit.

    as a manager you can have a lasting impact on the lives of your staff.

    the higher-level needs of belonging, esteem, and self-actualization are something that you can have a hand in helping your staff achieve.



    **The zone of proximal development**: defines the area in which a person cannot progress without the presence of another person with a higher skill set to assist them.

    Once the person has understood and completed the task, they are able to take on tasks of even higher difficulty, pushing their zone of proximal development toward harder and harder tasks.

    Ensure:
        They are being given the tasks that sit within their zone of proximal development.
        There are suitable individuals with more knowledge to help them complete those tasks with assistance.


    two things that are important in order to ensure that learners are continually improving their skills:
    You should give tasks to staff that are in their zone of proximal development.


    Perhaps one day they'd like to be a CTO in their own company, or they'd like to rearchitect the search infrastructure at Google. These are admirable and lofty goals, but in reality, they may be a long way from becoming a reality. However, as their manager, you can work with them to place these career achievements at the bottom of their own skill tree and then plan out the milestones along the way that they can aim for to make measurable progress—thus pushing the frontier of their zone of proximal development further and further.


    **The cathedral model**, in which software is free and open source but is developed by the aforementioned hermit wizards. In the book, the GCC compiler is given as an example. These projects have long release intervals and are controlled tightly by the development team.
    **The bazaar model**, in which the entire world contributes and opens their development to the public, despite the chaos. They operate under the tenet that "given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow." There's less to lose if occasional issues slip out. Linux is described as the poster child for this movement.


    some individuals are highly motivated by control and stability and others are motivated by chaos and change.


    **Cathedral Constructors**: Your cathedral constructors yearn for focus, stability, purism, and craftsmanship
        To become subject-matter experts.
        To be a cornerstone of the team.
        To go deep, not wide.
        To show others their own ways.
        To revel in the detail.


    **Bazaar Browsers**: wishes to sample the sights and sounds of as much as possible. They want excitement, variety, chaos, and change. This is where they thrive and grow. You need to be able to offer them the following opportunities: To get as much newness as possible.
        To build and throw away.
        To avoid stagnation.


    **Annual Self Evaluation** should include
        Your own observations about what your staff member has achieved and areas in which they should seek to develop next.
        Your direct report's observations on the same topics.
        The goals that you have mutually agreed upon for this period
        The goals that you have mutually agreed upon for the next period

    ICs will usually include:
        Their **achievements** over the period of the time since the last review.
        A **reflection** over the time period for their role, projects, and career. Areas that they would like to develop in the coming period. Thoughts about the future of their role from where they currently stand.

    ICs will try to answer:
        What have you **accomplished** that makes you proud and why?
        **Reflection Question**: How do you feel in your role right now? Has that changed for the better or worse since your last review?
        **Development Question**: Is there anything that could have gone better during the period? What skills do you think that you need to develop?
        **The Future Question**: Consider your future at the company. Where are you aiming to go? What would you ideally like to accomplish or work on? Or are you happy where you are now?
        **Support Question**: What sort of support do you need in order to get to where you want to go in future?

    Manager Questions to Answer
        **Your own view of their achievements** over the period. Where you think that they should focus on developing. The themes that you noticed in their peer feedback.
        **Achievements Question**: What has this person done in the last six months that has impressed you? What do you consider their biggest achievements?
        **Development Question**: Where do you think that this person should focus on developing? What traits and skills could they work on and how can you help them get there?
        **Peer Feedback Question**: What were the key themes from this person's peer feedback? Does it reinforce what you both already know, or are there any new observations?

    What to Do on the Day
    Split the meeting into three parts of equal size:
        A reflective discussion about the period that has just passed.
        A forward-thinking discussion about the future.
        A collaborative session drafting goals that they can achieve.

        In the first two parts, keep the discussion loose and let them do the talking. Ask questions and nudge them along to explore how they feel.

    Some leading questions that you could ask in reference to the content of the written review form:
        What is it about that achievement that made you feel so proud?
        Do you feel like that often, or was this a unique occasion?
        You've mentioned that you want to develop that particular area. How do you think you can do that, and how can I support you in doing so?
        How do you feel about your team? Who in particular do you most like working with? Is there anyone that you find harder to work with? Why is that?
        How challenging is the work that you're doing now compared to the last few years?
        Are you getting enough opportunity to stretch yourself and to learn new things?
        How does your current role compare to where you predicted that you'd be five years ago? Why is that?
        What do you think of my performance as your manager? What can I do to support you and the team better?

        During the last third of the review, begin drafting some goals for the next six months together. You don't need to complete them in the review, but you should begin the thought process collaboratively.

    Future work questions:
        What's one thing at the company that you would love to work on?
        Is there anyone here that you look up to, and what traits do they have?
        How can you increase your impact in your work and in your relationships with your colleagues?
        What could you achieve in the near future that would make you feel proud?

    **Performance managing**
    Build conversations into your one-to-ones regularly about: Career progression.
        How often are you talking to your staff about their careers?
        Where do they want to go in the next six months, two years, and beyond?

    **Poor performants**: The bar that you set for acceptable performance is firmly fixed at the level of your worst performer. The longer you go without attempting to fix the problem, the lower your bar is as a manager.

    **Going Beyond Your Team**. Your output is measured by:
        Information gathering
        Decision-making
        Nudging
        Being a role model

    **Mentoring** is a relationship in which one person shares their experience, skills, and knowledge with another person in order for them to progress in their career. Mentoring relationships typically last for months or years.  it's a relationship that is primarily directive: the mentor is teaching skills to the mentee.
    **Coaching**: technique for helping your staff improve their performance. the primary focus is trying to shift the conversation to follow their interests, which magically allows them to solve problems all by themselves.


    Follow their interests and encourage them to come to the conclusion on their own:
        What's the difficulty with doing it in that way?
        Why did you pick that method?
        What's up with Bill this week?
        Why's that?
        Tell me more about that API.
        Walk me through your thought process.
        Can you draw me a diagram on the whiteboard?
        So what you're saying is…
        So am I right in thinking that…

    Coaching relationships can be long-lived, or they can even just be a one-off session to tackle a particular problem.

    **GROW model** For a given topic or problem, you'll want to iterate through:
        **Goal**: What's the goal of this session? What problem are we trying to solve?
        **Reality**: What's the situation like now? Who, what, where, and how much?
        **Options**: What are all the different ways in which we can tackle this issue?
        **Wrap-up**: Become clear on a choice, commit to it, and discuss what support is needed.

    GROW model in mind will help you keep the conversation on track if it begins to deviate.
    Example: Goal: We need to work out how to store the data in some way that's fast enough to support our use case. Reality: We know a lot about relational databases, but they won't be fast enough for this problem. We have a hard deadline and we need to get some support. Options: We could get an external consultant, but that's very expensive and they might not be available immediately. We could try out some different databases ourselves, but we're not expert enough to make an informed decision about what to use in production. We could see whether anyone else in the company has had to solve a similar problem and seek their advice. Wrap-up: We've decided to seek advice from Alice's team because they may have implemented a similar solution in the past. We're meeting with her later, and we'll loop back with a decision on how we're going to proceed. Then we'll make a call on what to do.


    **Managing difficult situations**

    First skill to practice is mindfully listening and observing without judgment. If a bad situation is unfolding, focus on your breathing, sit (or stand) straight and hear the other parties out.

    Take notes if that helps.

    Try to identify the parts of the situation that are fact

    **Two stick-like tools** that you could use to make a team perform better.
    **The whip**, which is the metaphorical way of telling them to work harder and faster against their will.
    **The carrot**, dangled at the end of the stick, which makes them work harder because they feel motivated to do so.

    Being a good manager is about turning that whip into a carrot.

    Engineers are **self-motivated**. It's likely they're not doing this particular job because they have to. They're doing this job because they want to. What exactly motivates them can vary greatly from person to person: some enjoy optimizations to make things faster, some enjoy building customer-facing features, some just love problem solving.

    Getting too aggressive with the whip will get in the way of them doing a good job, which is what they are motivated to do, so they will inevitably leave.

    Setting fake deadlines is a terrible idea: they'll see through your deception. Telling them to work harder and faster with no clear reason or purpose will make you look stupid.

    you need to understand how to motivate in a positive way to produce the outcomes that you desire. The Carrot

    increase throughput comes through fostering purpose and passion in your team.

    A useful model is that of **autonomy, mastery, and purpose**:
        **Autonomy**: We have a desire to be self-directed. Management as way of ensuring conformity and compliance runs against this principle. Instead, how can you create the conditions within your team to allow them to choose their own path while still working toward the collective goal? Can you delegate more to give your team more empowering work? Can you give them more choice over the way in which they solve problems and the tools they use? Can you let them approach problems in their own ways rather than having them take the same path that you take?
        **Mastery**: Everyone likes to improve their skills. It's incredibly satisfying. How can you delegate work within the team to ensure that your staff are in the zone of proximal development How can you foster a culture of mentorship so that the team learns from each other while they are doing what is expected of them in their jobs?
        **Purpose**: We want to contribute to something greater than ourselves. Are the projects that your team is responsible for clearly defined in terms of their purpose within the wider world? Are you able to create and continually refer to this message?

    In many social and intellectual domains, people tend to hold overly favorable views of their abilities. Not only does this lead to poor decisions, it also means that people are unaware that they are making them!

    when the skills of the participants were improved, they were able to recognize the limitations of their abilities and therefore realize that particular decisions were bad.

    **Dunning-Kruger Effect**: There will be limitless situations where those who know the least about particular problems will feel the most bullish and comfortable with making a decision and will not realize that the decision is bad. Elements of impostor syndrome can be viewed as the inverse of the Dunning-Kruger effect.

    Those who have impostor syndrome may be overly unconfident and shy because they believe their own success is due to something other than their intelligence and hard work. Creating a nasty clash with the outspoken and confident people on Mount Stupid.

    **Bridging the Gap**: you need to exercise your emotional intelligence to spot when people are displaying traits that fall in either camp, and then work with that behavior to help your staff overcome it.

    Dealing with the Dunning-Kruger Effect: Can you collaborate with them and subtly lead them to discover where the problem is much harder than they thought? Once they discover that a great number of technical problems are more complex than they initially seem, they'll have developed more mature techniques to analyze approaches and find the right balance of confidence and skepticism.

    As a manager you should **ensure that your team focuses on having a measurable impact on your users as quickly as possible** to make decisions on what is and isn't important.

    **Are users going to benefit from this work in some way**, now or in future? If not, don't do it. You should also encourage **the campsite rule**, where each area of the code that they touch is left better than when they arrived. You can also encourage investment in future efficiency by **reserving a percentage of time** during each sprint or timebox to removing technical debt (why not try 20%?). Also, never be afraid of deleting features.

    Encourage **categorization of features into must, should, could, and won't**.
        Work labeled as "must" absolutely needs to happen.
        Anything with the "should" label is important, but you could probably get away without it for the initial milestone or deadline.
        Those labeled "could" are desirable but not necessary.
        The "won't" category notes that something has been thought of and consciously decided against.

    Encourage **stretch goals**. After labeling the features and ranking them in order of prioritization, work with your product owner and team to decide where the milestones are.

    Task parallelism: How much of the work in the scope is sequential,

    **Code vicinity**: The last thing you want is multiple engineers all working on top of each other in the same part of the code,

    **Technical difficulty**: Is this looking like a business-as-usual increment of functionality in your existing application,

    Adding more people to a slow project has the effect of making it slower

    **Be honest and trustworthy**
        We should **never attempt to obtain information without the permission of the holder of the information**.
        We should **never attempt to obtain information for the benefit of another party**.
        We should **never attempt to obtain information using deceitful means**.

    I was accidentally sent a spreadsheet from Finance containing the salary information of everyone in the engineering department, rather than the filtered version showing only my teams. What did I do? I told them what they'd done and deleted the spreadsheet without opening it. I didn't have permission to see that, despite having been sent it.

    People may try to extract information from you for their own gain or for other's gain. Be careful of conversations after work at the bar.

    **Gatekeeping in communication**. Much like a gatekeeper would control access to the gate of an ancient city, gatekeeping is the action of filtering information for further distribution. Typically it represents how information is filtered by the media before it is presented to the public.

    You have to:
        Decide **what information** should be heard by which parties.
        Decide **when that information** should be shared.
        Decide **how that information** should be framed.

    **The Hippocratic Oath**: an oath of ethics historically taken by doctors, shortened here to the following succinct phrase: first, do no harm.

    ** The Golden Rule**: an ethic that is the basis of a number of religions and cultures: treat others as you would like to be treated yourself.

    The easiest option with any sensitive subject is to not say anything at all.

    You should only share information with a person if: It is relevant to them and their job. They have a reason to know. It benefits you both, such as it unlocks further conversations. You only share what they need to know. They can be trusted to keep any sensitive information a secret.

    As a manager, you also have a duty to keep people informed. Leave nobody behind.

    Has an important decision been made? Summarize it in an email. Have various people expressed concerns directly to you? Answer them publicly in a place where the whole team can see them. Ensure that you mix private interactions and public broadcasts so that no person is left behind.

    the art is to understand the politics of the workplace to discover how you can navigate them and use them to your advantage while at the same time acting for the greater good.

    getting politics right builds your authority, influence, and ability to get things done,

    You need to be yourself in a consistent manner to ensure that you're able to engage well with others and represent your teams correctly and respectfully. Don't pretend to be somebody you're not. Don't act a part to attempt to impress. Just be you. That's more than enough.

    treat others how you would wish to be treated yourself

    Be open to disagree and commit to initiatives.

    Have the confidence to be open to being proved wrong and to be accepting if you are.

    you must wield this power respectfully and wisely.

    You need to engage equally and fairly with all, regardless of your personal relationships with them.

    You must use overrides tactically and sparingly.

    But the person being left out in the middle feels awful.

    **Level-Jumping**: you need to make sure that you go via the proper channels and bring your own manager along for the ride.

    If you wish to be influential and effective as a manager, then you need to engage with others professionally, respectfully, and kindly. Avoid
    Being Unprofessional
    Misuse of Power
    Going Rogue
    Personal Gain

    Abusing your position to make others feel small, powerless, or marginalized is the worst form of politicking and will always catch up with you. Just don't. Ever. You are here to serve others, not yourself.

    **Managing your time**
    How to let go of tasks. You'll drive yourself crazy if you get involved in the details of every little thing that your team does. You'll drive yourself even crazier if you stress about every eventuality.

    Keeping on top of every notification, meeting, and email is comforting and even addictive, it might be seriously messing with your brain.

    You should carve out time for yourself as a manager to unlock your creative thoughts, and why you should be stricter with your inputs. How to let go of work after work. To get better at your job, you'll need to look after yourself. We'll

    The Stoics used the term **tranquility** to describe what we typically call peace of mind.

    We should live our lives in the present moment, in accordance with nature, and use our logic and reasoning to act in a virtuous way that contributes toward maintaining our tranquility.

    wanted us humans to eradicate our negative emotions. They wanted us to live without anger, fear, worry, and anxiety.

    denying some pleasures from ourselves not only allows us to appreciate them more when we do indulge in them but also increases our self-discipline.

    **Negative visualization**: where we imagine that our health, our possessions, and loved ones are no longer in our lives, both prepares us mentally for a situation where we are to lose them and also allows us to better appreciate them in the present moment when they're here.

    For things that you do not fully control, you should set internal goals rather than external ones. Don't hang your happiness on whether the delegated task comes back exactly as you wanted it.

    your internal goals should be to perform the best that you can, in the situation that you're in, during the time that you're in it. As long as you have done your best as a manager, then you'll always be able to maintain your tranquility. If you ultimately judge yourself on things that you don't have complete control of, you're going to be nothing other than unhappy all of the time.

    **Escaping the False Productivity Trap**: We live in an age of distraction.

    The brain is modeled as a dual-CPU. Only one of those two CPUs can work at any given time, and
    The first CPU is a slow, linear, traditional Von Neumann architecture. Instructions are processed one after another in order.
        The second CPU is a digital signal processor: it searches and pattern matches asynchronously. It can magically find links between unrelated things, but you have no control over it.

    They share the same memory bus, so if one is working, the other isn't.

    The first CPU is called **L-mode**, where the L stands for linear.
    The second CPU is called **R-mode**, where the R stands for the rich creative and holistic processing it does,

    You need both of these modes. R-mode helps you innovate, come up with new ideas and connections, and break through walls. L-mode lets you execute the details.

    Enabling Your R-mode The thing about R-mode is you can't control what it does. But, you can create the space it needs to do what it does best. To do that you need to carve out time for yourself. To get away from those emails, bleeps and bloops, and distractions. To sit and think and have no agenda. To disengage L-mode and let R-mode run amok.

    Try to **carve out 10% of your time each week to do absolutely nothing** other than let your thoughts emerge.

    Plan your week and your commitments so that you're operating at a comfortable 85% capacity.

    There's always going to be extra work. What it means is that you can take on that extra work willingly, diligently, and complete it to a high standard. If your team needs you, you're available. If your own manager needs some help, you can offer.

    Don't underestimate the power of being able to be there. So stop Checking Those Notifications!

    The magic begins to happen when you free up some time

    Many pieces of software are designed to keep you coming back for more, triggering those little dopamine hits as you clear off your notifications, answer your messages, and achieve inbox zen. You need to manage how often you use them

    **Limit the amount of times that you open your email inbox to just a few mindful occasions every day**. Do the same with your chat software, your instant messaging clients.

    See what times of the day work best for you to batch your communication. Close them at all other times.

    Perhaps you could answer your messages once in the morning with a coffee, once before lunch, and then have a clear out at the end of the day before you stop work.

    **What You Do Outside of Work Matters**: Reduce our chances of burn-out and mental health issues.

    **The Importance of Sleep** getting eight hours of sleep every night. The shorter your sleep, the shorter your lifespan. Benefits: Improved motor skills, notably in speed and accuracy. Increased time to physical exhaustion and increased aerobic output. More stable emotional states. Improved immune system function. Improved R-mode activity and, as a result, increased creativity.

    Limit your **caffeine consumption**.

    Limit your **alcohol consumption**.

    Keep your **gadgets away from the bedroom**.

    Using phones, laptops, and tablets in bed will extend the amount of time that your body takes to release melatonin by up to 50%.

    Have a cool bedroom. A cooler core body temperature helps you sleep well.

    Try to sleep and wake at the same times each day.

    Moving Your Body Humans have not evolved to spend their entire day sitting.

    Consider walking or cycling to work.

    Turn sitting meetings into walking meetings. Why not do your one-to-ones while taking a walk?

    The Only Moment That Matters Is Now to make you a better manager and human being. Now that you're recharged and raring to go.

    **Good Housekeeping**

    **Communication Dictates Software Design** If you get communication right within a department, there's a wealth of benefit to be had. Notably: Individuals are aligned with the collective purpose and vision supporting what is being built, and each individual understands the part that they and their team are playing toward achieving it. The department learns collectively as progress and new discoveries are shared, individuals normalize on best practice,

    Individuals feel engaged and motivated, since they have maximal opportunities for learning from others

    **Breaking Silos with Guilds** A guild is a group of people who work on different teams but share a common interest or skill set.

    Discussion and progression of best practice across an interest or discipline. Information sharing across multiple teams. Improving the visibility of that interest or discipline

        **Squads** are cross-functional development teams. Tribes, which are collections of squads that work in a related area, such as infrastructure.






Surrounded by Idiots
    This book describes the **differences in human communication**. The method is called the DISA an acronym that stands for Dominance, Inducement, Submission, and Analytic ability system.

    **Red, Yellow, Green, and Blue** are the primary behavior types, which describe how people sees themselves in relationship to their environment.

    **Communication Happens on the Listener's Terms**: Everything you say to a person is filtered through his frames of reference, biases, and preconceived ideas. What remains is ultimately the message that he understands.

    Children learn and develop in multiple ways, but the most common is **by imitation**. A child mimics what he sees around him, the parent of the same sex often becoming the model for imitation.

    **Red**

    Red person bold, ambitious, driven, but also potentially hot-tempered, rash, or dominant. He doesn't make the slightest effort to conceal who he is. A Red person is a dynamic and driven individual. He has goals in life that others may find difficult to even imagine.

    Strive forward, always pushing themselves harder, and they almost never give up. Their belief in their own ability is unsurpassed.

    **Task-oriented extroverts** and they enjoy challenges. They make quick decisions and are often comfortable taking the lead and taking risks.

    So Reds **like competing**. They even enjoy winning competitions that probably don't even exist, he sees himself as a winner.

    **"Quick" is synonymous with "good"** for Reds. If you are in a meeting and suddenly notice that one of the other participants is devoting his time to something completely different, it may well be a Red who has lost interest.

    Reds are **quick thinkers**, they move on long before everyone else. Red will ensure that the momentum is maintained

    Reds set **higher demands on themselves** than any of the other colors would. And they are always prepared to work hard.

    When they believe something, they let people know that this is the only truth that exists.

    A Red **doesn't try to stick to his original point of view** when he realizes that a better solution exists. He is a quick thinker and has no problem shifting his ground at short notice.
    A Red has **no problem with conflict**.

    Red feels he knows best, he will keep tabs on everyone around him to ensure that they all do the right thing. The advantage for a Red is that he gets everything done his way. The disadvantage is obvious: everyone else feels controlled.

    if a Red speaks to a pronounced relational person, like a Yellow or a Green, he can be perceived as very cold-hearted or inhuman.

    Reds **often come out the winners in discussions**. They see this as a natural part of a conversation. They always know best and will assert that everyone else is wrong. It suits their ego to behave this way. The aftermath of this method is that they lose friends, people can dislike them, and they are cut off from information because no one wants them in the group.

    **Red Body Language** Some basics to keep in mind about Reds. They:
        Keep their distance from others
        Have powerful handshakes
        Lean forward aggressively
        Use direct eye contact
        Use controlling gestures.

    Reds are always in a hurry. Quick equals good. Normally, this even applies to speech and actions. Speed is the factor many Reds measure success by.

    **Adapting to red behavior**

    If you want to adapt to a Red's tempo hurry up! Speed up! Speak and act more quickly.

    If you want to have a Red's full attention, cut the small talk.

    Written materials should be concise and, above all, well laid out.

    A Red is not here to be your pal. He's only here for one reason to do business. He might throw you out figuratively speaking if

    a Red would also like you to be determined and direct.

    Give examples of instances where time was lost by being too hasty. Point out the risks involved in hurrying too much. Explain that others can't keep up,

    Reds calculate risks by constantly looking at the facts. Facts are something they understand.

    Reds just get angry.

    You should confront his behavior immediately.

    **How to Give Feedback to a Red**

    You don't need any great skill to give negative feedback to a Red.

    no matter how you do it, the temperature in the room will rise. If you're prepared for it, there won't be any major problems.

    the simplest way to do so is to avoid any form of decorative wrapping.

    break the whole thing down into tiny pieces and point to specific examples.

    not that interested in the feelings of others or what people think. He prefers to focus on facts and likes to fix things.

    do ask the Red to repeat what we'd both just agreed on.

    You need to be full of self-confidence, so choose your opportunity carefully.


    **Stress Factors for Reds**
        Take Every Form of Authority Away
        Achieve No Results Whatsoever
        Eliminate Any Kind of Challenge
        Waste Time and Resources and Work as Inefficiently as Possible
        Make Sure That Everything Becomes a Routine
        Make a Bunch of Stupid Mistakes
        Give Him No Control over Others
        Tell Him Regularly to Cool Down or to Lower His Voice

    **Yellow**

    **Optimistic and cheerful**, a person with a bright outlook on life. Sees sunshine where others see dark clouds? Can laugh even though he hasn't had any good news for months? Why everyone flocks around a particular person, man or woman?

    When something is no longer fun, they move on to another place where the atmosphere is better.

    He's the one who's **talking all the time**. He's the one who **gives answers rather than asking questions** often answering questions that no one has even asked.

    Yellows **are more popular&& than other colors.

    They entertain, put people in a good mood, and fun things always happen around them. They know how to capture everyone's attention and how to keep it.

    Like Reds, Yellows are very **willing to make quick decisions**, but they can rarely explain why using rational reasoning. **Focused on creating relationships**. Not at all shy.

    A Yellow dares to go beyond the usual conventions when he's in a creative mode. Yellows **are very persuasive**.

    Pippin from The Lord of the Rings and Han Solo from Star Wars.

    Yellows don't like keeping track of details.

    If a Yellow is anything, it's a bad listener.
    **Yellow Body Language**
        Are tactile
        Are relaxed and jocular
        Show friendly eye contact
        Use expressive gestures
        Often come close.

    A Yellow's body language is often very open and inviting. Smiles appear constantly, even when there's not much to smile about. They joke around a lot and can be very relaxed.

    Yellows can spontaneously start hugging everyone around them.

    A Yellow's tone of voice denotes a strong commitment from start to finish. You hear it from afar: Laughter, fun, intensity. Enthusiasm. Joy. Energy.

    Tempo. Not quite the same rate of action as Reds, but a decidedly fast pace.


    **Adapting to Yellow Behavior**

    Yellows are not afraid of conflict. Yellows are at their best when everyone is being friendly. Can be very sensitive to whether people are in good spirits or not. Keeping a Yellow's interest is not the easiest thing to do. can't cope with details.

    He has a high tolerance for uncertainty and isn't overly afraid of risks. Adapt to it.

    You need to show a Yellow that you are just as open and friendly as he is.

    Yellows are optimists regarding time; can't plan or structure his life. Coordinate all appointments properly with Yellows.

    make sure he gets at least some structure in his life.

    They need to hear from someone with courage and perseverance that they have to let others enter the conversation or whatever it may be.

    This type of feedback must be given discreetly and in a positive way.

    "Areas of Improvement," which is to say, weaknesses. Even if we're on good terms, the temperature in the room gets significantly cooler.

    **Stress Factors for Yellows**
        Pretend He's Invisible
        Become Very Skeptical
        Structure Work as Much as Possible
        Isolate Him from the Rest of the Group
        Push a Yellow to Think Carefully Beforehand Twice
        Try a Little Public Humiliation


    **Green**

    The Green person is **the most common**. Being the average of all the other colors.

    Greens are the **most balanced**. They counterbalance the other more extreme behavioral traits in an elegant way.

    They often lend serenity to a situation.

    Greens are **more passive than others**. They're not as driven as Reds, not as resourceful as Yellows, and not as orderly as Blues. They are easy to deal with.

    Children with Green features are usually described as being little angels. They eat when they're supposed to; they sleep when they're supposed to; they do their homework when they're supposed to.

    They usually **strive to fit in**. The team, the group, the family, always comes before the individual.

    Greens are **the best listeners**.

    Greens are relationship people and their interest in others is genuine and authentic.

    Wants to stay on good terms with everyone, so he'll even help people he doesn't really like that much.

    Greens don't want to be caught failing to deliver

    You can always count on a Green person.

    understand the job and get it done without a lot of fuss or drama.

    Gandhi, Michelle Obama, and Jimmy Carter are some well-known people with elements of Green. And, yes, Jesus.


    How Green People Are Perceived: pleasant, friendly, and caring.

    Certain Greens, however, tend to tell the truth behind the back of the person concerned. Therefore, others can perceive a Green as dishonest, even though their intention is only to avoid conflict.

    Greens always expect the worst and therefore tend to lie low.

    Greens rarely make the first move and almost always allow others to step up first,

    The bigger the plans, the less likely it is that a Green will commit. All he wants is peace and quiet.

    Greens are reluctant to take a position on sensitive issues. They have just as many views and opinions as anyone else, but they don't like shouting them

    For a Green, it's better to be safe than sorry. By expressing himself ambiguously, he avoids taking responsibility

    This is another thing Greens often do turn frustration inwards and feel awful so that everyone notices it.

    Greens are pronounced relational people, nothing is more important to them than keeping a relationship together.

    Greens are pronounced relational people, nothing is more important to them than keeping a relationship together. The problem is that their method doesn't work.

    **Green Body Language**
        are relaxed and come close
        act methodically
        tend to lean backwards
        use very friendly eye contact
        prefer small-scale gestures.

    relaxed body language that exudes calm and confidence. No impetuous movements, no sudden tossing of their heads or hands. Nice and easy. Their gestures are often less flamboyant and well suited for smaller groups. Greens don't feel at ease in larger groups, so they become more closed and will appear reserved.

    It's not uncommon that they try to make themselves invisible. The reason? They don't want to be the center of attention.

    Greens almost always have friendly faces. If not, then they're quite neutral. Don't expect any exaggerated smiles

    If he thinks that you are good friends, he can be very intimate and friendly.

    **Adapting to Green**

    He is driven just as much by fear

    Show that you're prepared to listen to what he is anxious about.

    allow the Green his periods of peace, quiet, and inactivity.

    Green won't come up with anything on his own, it will be you and I who will have to handle the planning.

    if it involves criticism, you should deliver it in private. Make sure that the person you are talking to understands that you still like him, but that you believe that he and the group (work team, sports team, family, association) will function better if he changes certain things.

    ask him to do certain specific things.

    If you want Greens to accept change, you'll have to equip yourself with a good dollop of patience.

    **How to Give Feedback to a Yellow**

    Despite their flexibility and creativity, Yellows are actually the most difficult to change. They don't listen and only implement changes that they themselves have thought of.

    **How to Give Feedback to a Green**

    Criticizing a Green can be cruel. They will feel bad and will simply withdraw and shut down. In general, they have weaker egos and can often be very self-critical.

    Give Concrete Examples, and Use a Gentle Approach

    Be Gentle, but Don't Backpedal It is all about clarity again.

    Be Sure to Explain That the Behavior Is the Problem, Not the Person

    Ask the Person to Repeat What You Have Agreed On and Follow Up!


    **Stress Factors for Greens**
        Take Every Form of Security Away from Him
        Leave Lots of Loose Ends
        Hang Around Him Constantly
        Make Lightning-Fast Changes and Unexpected Changes of Direction
        Push Him into the Spotlight



    **Blue**

    Blue has all the right answers. In the background, **he analyzes**: classifies, evaluates, assesses. You know you've met a Blue if you visit someone's home and everything is organized in a particular way.

    Dinner menus, divided into six-week intervals to ensure a balanced diet, stuck on the refrigerator door.

    A Blue DIY guy always puts things back where they belong. He is also a pessimist, sorry: a realist. He sees errors, and he sees risks.

    **Reserved, analytical, and detail-oriented**

    If the question doesn't come up, it's unlikely that your Blue buddy will say anything on the subject. He has **no need to tell everyone about what he knows**.

    It's rare that a wholly Blue person would feel the need to stand on the rooftops or to toot his own horn in order to make it clear to the world who the real expert is.

    There's also no need to cheer, applaud, or call a Blue up to the podium when he's done something tremendous in an amazing way.

    A Blue is prepared to dive deep to get everything exactly 100 percent correct.

    Blues argue that if they're going to do something, they must do it correctly.

    they are just very, very introverted. Blues are the calm, stable individuals

    my advice is to listen attentively when Blues do actually talk, because they've usually thought through what they say.

    unlike Yellows, don't feel the need to be heard.

    Some people are issue oriented, and others are relation oriented. While two of them (Red and Yellow) are quick to act, the Greens and Blues are reflective. This is often the source of everyday misunderstandings,

    How Blue People Are Perceived

    Blues find it difficult to begin anything new because they want to prepare very thoroughly.

    Blues can be almost obsessed with details.

    They create quality work, but their hairsplitting, critical approach to almost everything lowers the morale of those around them to dangerously low levels.

    When they in everyone else's eyes are, in fact, pessimists.

    Blues want to have all the information on everything,

    A Blue believes that good enough is never really good enough.

    **Blue Body Language**
        prefer to keep others at a distance
        either stand or sit • often have closed body language
        use direct eye contact
        speak without gestures.

    Blues can make very dramatic statements with an expressionless face.

    The easiest way to describe a Blue's body language is to say that he has none.

    Blues require a relatively large amount of personal space around them.

    there's little or no variation in a Blue's voice.



    **Adapting to Blue Behavior**

    Make sure you can show that you've done your homework and are well prepared.

    come back with the answer the next day,

    Stick to the task. Work with checklists where factual matters are noted things you can tick off together with the Blue.

    put away as much spontaneity as you can. Force yourself to do one thing at a time. Remind yourself that a Blue will rarely or never ask how things are going or show interest in your personal problems.

    Think through what you want to say and what you want to convince a Blue to believe.

    Prepare yourself well.

    Be particularly meticulous in your work when trying to impress a Blue;

    He judges you by the merit of the work you create. Not by how funny you are, not by who you know, not by whether or not you invite him to fancy lunches.

    Remind him that other people have feelings.

    Tell your Blue friend that if he has to make a decision without all the facts, he can follow his gut.

    Pay attention to when the decision process stalls out.


    **How to Give Feedback to a Blue**

    make sure you have your facts ready

    Provide Specific, Detailed Examples, Preferably in Writing

    Do Not Get Too Personal If You Don't Know Each Other That Well

    you need to stick to concrete facts.

    Be Prepared for Counterquestions at the Molecular Level

    Ask the Person to Repeat What You've Said and Follow Up Soon Afterwards



    Stress Factors for Blues
        Tell Him, "You Don't Know What You're Talking About."
        Have the Management Team Make a Spontaneous Decision
        Tell Him, "Forget About the Bureaucracy. Let's Innovate!"
        Tell Him, "This Could Be Risky or Uncertain, but We're Going to Go Ahead Anyway."



    **General body language**: relaxed, natural but not slack posture, other people often get the impression that you are self-confidence. Shrunken posture, it can be interpreted as resignation and disappointment. If you have an erect, somewhat wooden posture, people can believe that this is a signal of dominance; Shifty eyes generally suggest that the person in question would rather be somewhere else.

    Different colors exhibit different types of body language.

    Head and Face When speaking, we usually either nod or shake our heads, depending on whether we agree or not. When we listen extra carefully to a discussion, we can lean our heads to one side. Hanging your head or wrinkling your forehead can signal sadness or depression. When we're amazed at something, we often raise our eyebrows, while we turn up our noses at things we aren't fond of. In


    If a handshake is firm it probably suggests that a person is determined.

    Limp and feeble handshakes often indicate a submissive behavior,

    Clenched fists rarely mean good news, usually indicating aggressiveness.

    Holding your hands clasped behind your back often expresses power and security.

    if he puts the palm of his hand on his chest preferably his right hand over his heart and sighs indignantly

    body language is very individual.


    **Voice**: Green's voice will never be strong; Greens have a slower pace than Reds and Yellows but not quite as slow as Blues. Speed


    **Combinations of colors**

    The basic rule is to **meet a Red with Red behavior**, Yellow with Yellow, Green with Green, and finally Blue with Blue.
    **Reds and Yellows** have problems with what I call the silent resistance. Remaining silent rather than speaking out.

    In a perfect world, we would have an **equal number of each color**. The Yellow comes up with a new idea, the Red makes the decision, the Green has to do all the work, and the Blue evaluates and makes sure that the results are excellent.


    **Blue and Green could be a suitable combination**, without much of an effort from either of them. They would certainly recognize themselves in each other's ability to breathe calmly and to think twice before doing something. Since both are introverts, each of them feels secure with the other. It's the same kind of energy. Neither of them will build castles in the air. They don't stress but allow themselves to dive deeply into things.

    **Red and Yellow work smoothly together**, since they both want to shoot from the hip and always move forward. Here we also have the same kind of energy, only a different type. Both are powerful and outgoing, and because both are verbal, they can easily find the right words. Certainly, they'll have a different focus in the conversation, but the dialogue will still flow. Both set high goals and think quickly.

    Both Blues and Reds are task oriented. Reds are certainly more interested in the result than in the process itself, and Blues are more concerned with the process and tend to ignore the result but they're at least speaking the same language. Both devote themselves to work and only spend limited time chatting about football

    Red is the accelerator, while a Blue is the brake. Both are needed in order to drive successfully. The trick is not to push both pedals at the same time.

    Green with a Yellow. The tempo at which they work will be different, but both of them will be curious about each other. Both believe that people are interesting and important.

    The Green will allow the Yellow to take as much space as he wants. One talks; the other listens. It can work out well. In addition, Greens are good at calming down the slightly hysterical Yellows, who sometimes have a hard time staying grounded.

    It would be quite a challenge to put a Red and a Green together issues solve a problem.

    The greatest challenge of all is to ask a Yellow and a Blue to work together.

    only about 5 percent of the population has just one color that shows in their behavior. Around 80 percent have two, and the rest have three. No one has four,

    Two color combinations normally follow any of the axes. So they are: Blue/Red, Red/Yellow, Yellow/Green, or Green/Blue.

    People with three colors will always be more difficult to interpret.

Time Smart
    We want more time and we want more money, and we work to get them.

    Time and money are set against each other.

    Thomas and Leah made **memories that will last a lifetime**, while Nicole's **"important" work obligations have faded into the past**. "I can't. I have an important meeting that I shouldn't miss." Thomas hit the slopes with his sister Leah instead, and the siblings enjoyed what they both deemed "the best trip ever."

    **Time is our most valuable resource, and it is finite**. Chasing money is valuable to a point, but it's an infinite errand. You can always try to get more-and research shows people do that, no matter how much money they have already. Given how precious time is, we should put it first.

    People tend to focus too much on working and making money and not enough on having more and better time.

    Who is time affluent? A few people. What do they do differently? For one, they spend more time eating. And **how does time affluence change them? they're much, much happier**.

    **Paying for a house cleaner** might do as much for your marriage as learning how to be a better listener.

    The secret to happier time is simple: **prioritize time over money** one decision at a time.

    **Long blocks of free time we used to enjoy are now interrupted constantly by our smart watches**, phones, tablets, and laptops. This situation taxes us cognitively, and fragments our leisure time in a way that makes it hard to use this time for something that will relieve stress or make us happy.

    **Time confetti**, which amounts to little bits of seconds and minutes lost to unproductive multitasking.

    We carry the office in our back pockets, making it difficult to disconnect.

    Thinking about work while trying to relax induces panic, because feelings of time poverty are caused by how well activities fit together in our mind.

    money protects against sadness but doesn't buy joy.

    Once people make a lot of money ($105,000 per year in the United States), they start thinking they are doing worse in life.

    We chase an idea we'll never reach, because as our wealth increases, so does our sense that others are doing better than we are and that we need to, we can, catch them.

    **As wealth increases, so do our feelings of time poverty**. The problem is that a culture obsessed with making more money believes, wrongly, that the way to become more time affluent is to become financially wealthier.38

    I'll work hard and make more so that I can afford more leisure time later. This is the wrong solution; soon you'll see that it's the opposite of the right solution. Focusing on chasing wealth is a trap. It leads only to an increased focus on chasing wealth.39

    We reflexively go for the lowest cost when we shouldn't.

    Being busy makes us feel that we are committed as well as essential.

    Even if it feels good in the moment for someone to see the email you sent on Saturday at 8:30 p.m., this behavior contributes to an overall **unhealthy and unhappy life.**

    "All of humanity's problems stem from [our] inability to sit quietly in a room alone." Researchers call this idleness aversion,

    Technology may help us avoid being alone with our thoughts, but it is a trap that contributes to stress and time poverty. **Constant connection to technology prevents the brain from recovering, keeps our stress levels elevated, and takes us out of the present**.

    The **mindfulness** movement, whether in the form of meditation, prayer, or some other framework, is effectively practiced idleness.

    **Idleness** has been shown to be a valuable form of leisure and can increase time affluence.

    We believe, dumbly, that we will have more time tomorrow than we do today.61 This is sometimes referred to as the planning fallacy.

    When we feel time poor, we take on small, easy-to-complete tasks because they help us feel more control over our time.

    The Six Common Time Traps Constant connection to technology. Cell phones, laptops, and other technology constantly interrupt us, fragment work and leisure into confetti, and create stress. Obsession with work and making money. People incorrectly believe that money, not time, will bring greater happiness, and that if they work and make money now, they will have more time to relax in the future. In reality, making money only leads to an increased interest in chasing wealth. Limited value placed on time. People do not correctly value their time. They often give up large amounts of time to save very little money. Busyness as a status symbol. People look to work to find meaning, and they use busyness at work to help shape their identity and self-worth. Aversion to idleness. People don't see the value in disconnecting, even though there is proven value to being mindful, enjoying the present, and doing nothing. The Yes … damn! effect. People are overly optimistic about their future time. They think they will have more time tomorrow than they do today. This overoptimism means they say yes to many requests for their future time and then regret it ("damn!") when that time comes and they are overcommitted.

    He doesn't own a TV. His "dumb phone" can't connect to the internet, and he shuts it off at night. He rarely makes plans. Instead, he "lets [his] friends haggle over

    2 steps to finding time and funding time
        Step 1: Know Your Default Setting
        Step 2: Document Your Time

    Spend an upcoming Tuesday keeping a detailed log of how you spend your time. Once you've documented your activities, reflect on them. Think about which activities were pleasurable versus painful; which were productive versus unproductive; and which brought you pleasure versus meaning.

    We should pay extra attention to time spent in unproductive activities that make us stressed, and we should ask ourselves whether we can focus more on accumulating productive, pleasurable, or meaningful experiences instead.

    Becoming a human taco on the couch while watching your favorite TV show is highly enjoyable, although it is not exactly a source of existential

    **Step 3: Find Time Being stuck in tasks we don't like and can't control** is one of the leading causes of time poverty. As a result, the easiest and most obvious path to greater time affluence is to **deliberately choose to spend more time on activities that bring you joy**, and less time on activities that bring you misery.

    Observe how you spend your time. Ask yourself, Do I love this activity or not? If not, get rid of it. For fans of labor economics, this approach can be thought of as maximizing your **personal u-Index**: Calculate the percentage of time you spend in activities that bring you happiness versus those that give you misery. Maximize the positive. Minimize the negative.

    **TRANSFORM BAD TIME** Finding time starts with taking small moments of "bad" time-while commuting or waiting in line-and injecting it with happiness-producing activities such as listening to audiobooks or music.

    Close email until the end of the day so you aren't constantly bombarded by interruptions.

    Meetings are a source of time poverty for many people, so review your calendar and uninvite yourself from as many meetings as possible,

    **AUGMENT GOOD TIME** You can also find time by adding to your positive experiences. Is there a positive activity (either productive or unproductive) that you want to do more of? For me, reading and listening to music are two of my happiest experiences, so I am purposeful about filling my downtime with those activities. Even a few minutes of your happiest or most purposeful activities can make a difference.

    people who feel overwhelmed at work spend more money than time-affluent people on material purchases that distract but don't provide happiness or meaning.

    the millionaires spent thirty more minutes per day engaged in active leisure, and forty fewer minutes engaged in passive leisure like "watching TV" or "doing nothing." That's a seventy-minute swing in time-affluent behavior. Over a year, this practice creates a large gap in time use, with the wealthy devoting hundreds more hours to activities that make them feel more time affluent and happier.

    French spend more time each day eating, while Americans spend more time choosing what they are going to eat than enjoying their meals. Because of their focus on savoring, the French derived greater satisfaction from eating, making them feel less stressed.

    **Find time to meet new people and help others** The benefits of having high-quality social connections are similar to those of getting regular exercise and not smoking. Even fleeting social interactions with strangers-like chatting with the person sitting next to you on a flight improves mood.

    The social interaction of **volunteering** not only makes us happy but also helps us feel less time poor.

    This may seem backward, because volunteering actually takes time. But this prosocial activity boosts mood and increases time affluence, because we feel more in control of our time when we feel we can choose to give some of it away.

    **Find time to experience awe** Taking scenic hikes or spending a few moments looking up into the sky can rejuvenate you. Awe-inspiring experiences reduce time stress.

    **Spending on time-saving services**-like shopping, cleaning, and laundry-can reduce time stress and increase happiness.

    I am neurotic, so doing laundry and dishes and decluttering the house makes me feel like I am putting my life in order. Spending twenty or thirty minutes a day tidying up puts me in a good mood and makes me feel like I am in control.

    I bought a new coffee machine with auto-start. Now, every Saturday morning at 4:57 a.m., my coffee machine kicks in and brews hazelnut coffee!

    people perceive gifts given with the intention of saving time to be more thoughtful and appreciated than gifts that are given with the intention of saving money, especially because most of us hesitate to make time-saving purchases for ourselves.

    the simple instruction to **treat the upcoming weekend "like a holiday"** changed how people approached their weekends by increasing how much they savored their free time, improving their mood. Conversely, ruminating on the past (e.g., thinking about our workweek) or anticipating the future (e.g., thinking about our upcoming week) makes us feel pressed for time.

    By focusing our attention in the present, we become sensitive to existing pleasures, increasing time affluence in the process.

    people who **deliberately set goals during their car commute**, such as planning for their upcoming day, enjoyed their commute more and were less likely to want to quit their jobs, because they felt more prepared for the day ahead.

    people who've nearly died feel as if time moves more slowly. They are more grateful for daily experiences, and they prioritize socially focused goals over professionally productive ones.

    we are **more sensitive to small losses of money than small losses of time**. We feel we've lost more if we choose cheaper tickets than we do if we choose tickets based on working fewer hours.

    Spending more time savoring meals is only one way to savor. Savoring all kinds of daily experiences is a path to greater happiness. Enjoying good weather. Listening to a concert in the park. Watching kids play in the street. **Savoring is a form of mindfulness**, because it requires you to disconnect from productivity and efficiency and focus on the present.

    **Maximizers** stress over which restaurant to go to, what to order, and whether the experience is living up to expectations. In contrast, **satisfiers** pick a place and a meal without worrying whether they're exactly the right choices. Then they experience the meal without thinking about whether it's what they hoped.

    **Chasing deals**, in person or over the internet, usually isn't worth the time it takes.

    Living with a partner in a healthy and happy relationship is worth $20,700,

    Spending **thirty minutes more each day on active leisure**, such as exercising or volunteering, is worth about h$1,800 per year.

    consider adding the following activities to your day, all of which have shown to increase time affluence and happiness.
        **IF YOU HAVE 5 MINUTES** Organize the small errands you need to complete, and start checking them off. Message someone important to you that you haven't spoken to for a while. Check out whether you have any paid vacation days.
        **IF YOU HAVE 10 MINUTES** Watch relaxing nature videos on the internet. Send a gratitude email to a colleague, family member, or friend. Write a journal entry; journaling can increase happiness.
        **IF YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES** Go for a walk in nature. Do something creative (painting, writing, making jewelry, knitting). Read a book (maybe read a book on your phone while in line at airport security). Meditate or complete online resilience training (such as through the app Happify). Go for a short jog (15−30 minutes).
        **IF YOU HAVE AN AFTERNOON** Learn something new (learning can improve happiness). Spend time helping other people in your community. Plan your next vacation (even planning positive activities can boost happiness).

    List those activities you must do that you don't like, try to think of ways in which the time spent on that activity brings some value, and list it in the following table. For example, as mentioned in this chapter, a physically demanding part of your job can be reframed as a daily workout.

    **Convince yourself that time is at least as important as money**. Remind yourself of your values when faced with critical decisions.

    **Make deliberate and strategic decisions** that allow you to have more time across days, weeks, months, and years.1

    Implementing each of these steps depends on two activities that will become part of your time-affluent life: Reflection to create self-awareness about what you're doing and why you're doing it. This seems easy: it's only thinking. But as any behavioral scientist can tell you, we humans are capable of twisting our thinking into Escherian stairwells to avoid uncomfortable or hard-to-accept truths. Your reflection must be intentional and honest. Documentation to create a record of your hopes, observations, calculations, and plans for time affluence. Plenty of research confirms the efficacy of writing things down, and it's essential here because of the forces conspiring to make you focus on cash.13 Below are specific strategies based on these steps, along with activities for building your time-smart regimen.

    To make your time-affluent mindset stick, you take three steps:

    One way to beat back bad habits is by asking the small why question: Why am I doing this? Be deliberate.

    What am I hoping to accomplish? Is it truly adding value to my day? And most crucially, Could I use this time for something more fulfilling?

    We pull ourselves out of the present and into the future, and our worries about what's next start to steal our time.20

    One approach to time affluence isn't better than the other; the better system is the one that matches your mindset.

    Strategy 5: Implement Rewards and Punishments If your time

    setting defaults that produce time affluence. In this way, you don't choose time affluence; it's your default.

    If an app doesn't let you turn off notifications, remove it. Put your device on silent, and commit to checking it only once every three hours, or whatever interval you can muster.

    Sometimes when we are procrastinating on harder, more important activities, such as preparing for an interview, we will waste our time with simpler, less important activities, such as answering email. It happens to all of us.

    Thinking about the economic value of our leisure time can undermine our enjoyment of it, because we are constantly comparing the experience against some perceived expected value or ideal.

    When deciding where to live, most people focus on the features of the house, as opposed to the features of life the house will dictate.

    **work travel is never only the days you spend away from home**. The day before your trip you have to do laundry (thirty minutes), iron (thirty minutes), pack (twenty minutes), and negotiate your trip away with your partner and family (sixty minutes).

    **If something makes us happy or gives us purpose, we need to hold on to it**. We need to do whatever we can to prioritize it, to care for it,

    **All of us are living lives that are slowly slipping away**. In an era of constant distraction, without careful planning our seconds will pass easily, and unhappily.

    Having Marc's and Paul's initials on my wrist gives me the motivation to keep going, to keep prioritizing my time, and to take ownership and responsibility over the life I want to live.

    Vary your activities. The effect of time-smart choices will lessen over time if you do the same thing every time you have an opportunity.

    Say no. Set default responses to certain kinds of requests that you get often and that cause time stress. Practice saying

    Ask for more time. Many requests don't have hard deadlines.

    Remind yourself of opportunity costs. Whenever we say yes to something (travel, additional work projects), we say no to other things-spending

    Ask yourself the big why. When making major life decisions, you should ask yourself what you value.


    If you are feeling time stressed, do the following:
        **Track your time**. Determine where your hours are going.
        **Think about what you enjoy doing**. Focus more on what makes you happy, what brings you meaning, or what is productive.
        **Find small pockets of free time to do more of these activities**. Prioritize the feelings that you want more of (e.g., pleasure, meaning, productivity).
        **Think about what you do not enjoy or what brings you stress**. Focus on what brings you misery or stress, or what is unproductive.
        **Reduce the amount of time you spend engaging in these experiences**. Minimize these experiences by funding time (e.g., outsourcing), finding time (e.g., canceling meetings), or reframing time (e.g., focusing on the positive).
        **Block out the free hours you have found for yourself**. Schedule the activities you want to do during your free time. If you want to spend more time reading, block out exactly when you are going to do this.
        **Enjoy your leisure**. After going through all this effort, turn off your work email and enjoy yourself. You deserve it.



Fitness revolucionario: Lecciones ancestrales para una salud salvaje
    Vivimos más pero pasamos más tiempo enfermos. Somos más débiles, más obesos y más hipertensos.

    En este libro, salvaje se refiere a no domesticado, y se aplica a tu biología, no a tu cultura.

    **La biología es profunda y poco alterable**, requiriendo muchas generaciones para producir cambios relevantes. La cultura es superficial y fluida, mutando fácilmente de una generación a la siguiente. El problema viene cuando ciertos cambios culturales o tecnológicos atentan contra nuestra biología básica.

    Muchos de los trastornos modernos son simples síntomas de nuestra **vida en cautiverio**, una vida que atenta contra nuestras necesidades biológicas

    En vez de **alimento fresco**, nuestra comida parece pienso. En vez de perseguir animales en la sabana, nos sentamos durante horas delante de una pantalla.

    pasamos todo el día a la misma temperatura y con la misma luminosidad.

    Propongo simplemente identificar los estímulos ancestrales que tu biología necesita e integrarlos en tu día a día, sin renunciar a lo bueno del mundo moderno.

    Nuestros genes están mejor adaptados a **combatir la penuria** que a enfrentar la abundancia

    **hormesis** se refiere a que una pequeña dosis de un estrés aparentemente negativo puede elevar nuestra tolerancia a él, haciéndonos más fuertes.

    **Ningún animal en la naturaleza requiere guías nutricionales** para estar fuerte, delgado y sano. Las únicas especies obesas del planeta somos los humanos y nuestras mascotas.

    chimpancés son **omnívoros**. Frutas, hojas y semillas representan el grueso de su alimentación, pero también incluyen animales en su dieta.

    El músculo es un tejido metabólicamente caro, y la evolución tuvo que sacrificar masa muscular a cambio de más materia gris.

    El cerebro sigue consumiendo mucha energía incluso si la comida escasea. Por ese motivo somos el primate con mayor porcentaje de grasa.

    La **cetosis** es un estado metabólico donde el cerebro **reduce su consumo de glucosa y pasa a alimentarse principalmente de cuerpos cetónicos**, producidos al metabolizar la grasa.

    Se estima que **la esperanza de vida se redujo a menos de veinte años con la llegada de la agricultura** y las primeras grandes civilizaciones.

    **Las dietas de los cazadores-recolectores eran variadas**. Consumían de media más de cien especies de plantas y veinte tipos de animales. La variedad aportaba muchos nutrientes diferentes sin acumulaciones excesivas de ninguna toxina específica. Las dietas de los agricultores se reducían sin embargo a unos pocos cultivos, con abundancia de cereales.

    Nuestros ancestros **trabajaban de media entre cuatro y seis horas al día** para obtener suficiente comida y tenían mucho tiempo libre. No acumulaban nada.

    Pasamos a trabajar más horas al día, en trabajos más monótonos y repetitivos.

    por mucho que haya avanzado la ciencia, nuestros genes apenas han cambiado. Y por tanto, estamos mejor adaptados a aquellos alimentos que nos acompañaron durante el 95% de nuestra historia.

    Las empresas de alimentación descubrieron además que la combinación de los elementos anteriores **(harinas refinadas, grasas y azúcares), generaba una gran estimulación sensorial**, haciendo a la gente comer más. Los alimentos tradicionales son los realmente saludables.

    Los alimentos **naturales ricos en colesterol**, como el huevo, no aumentan el riesgo coronario, sino todo lo contrario.

    No hay ratios mágicos de proteína, carbohidrato y grasa. Daré recomendaciones específicas más adelante según casos particulares, pero debemos prestar menos atención a los macronutrientes y más a los alimentos.

    Múltiples hormonas participan en el **mantenimiento de un nivel de grasa correcto**, pero hay dos especialmente importantes: la **leptina y la insulina**. Cuando estas hormonas cumplen bien su función, tu peso se mantiene estable sin esfuerzo. Cuando se desajustan, se produce una reacción en cascada, facilitando el sobrepeso y abriendo la puerta a múltiples enfermedades.

    **La leptina** se segrega en las células grasas (adipocitos), por lo que a medida que acumulas más grasa, más leptina corre por tu sangre. Si el nivel de grasa señalizado por la leptina es superior al que considera deseable, el hipotálamo reduce el apetito y estimula la tiroides, elevando el gasto energético. Tu temperatura corporal aumentará ligeramente y también tus ganas de moverte.

    La **insulina** segregada por el páncreas para reducir los niveles de glucosa en sangre, que se elevan por ejemplo después de comer. De esta manera se evita la toxicidad que supone un exceso de glucosa, y la insulina hace además que tu hígado y músculos capten la glucosa sobrante, acumulándola en forma de glucógeno. La insulina representa además una especie de interruptor metabólico, indicando al cuerpo si está en modo de acumulación de energía (cuando la insulina se eleva) o de liberación de energía. Produce saciedad, indicándote que no debes comer más.

    El problema viene cuando se llenan los depósitos musculares y hepáticos. Ante nuevas elevaciones de glucosa, las células del hígado y músculos se resisten a captar más glucosa, permaneciendo ésta durante más tiempo en el torrente sanguíneo. Respondiendo a esta situación, el páncreas incrementa la producción de insulina, intentando vencer la resistencia de estas células. Para liberar espacio, el hígado empieza a convertir glucosa extra en grasa, que a largo plazo interfiere con el correcto funcionamiento de este órgano.

    Cuando esta situación se repite en el tiempo, aparece la llamada **resistencia a la insulina**.

    Elevaciones bruscas de glucosa en sangre, generando a la vez mayor producción de insulina y acumulación de grasa.

    Los alimentos industriale hacen que tus reservas de grasa aumentan pero tu cerebro piensa que estás en los huesos. En vez de activar los mecanismos de defensa contra la acumulación de grasa, se activa una especie de modo hambruna, haciéndote comer más y moverte menos.

    Estudios en personas obesas confirman que efectivamente tienen niveles de insulina y leptina elevados, pero la resistencia a estas hormonas impide que cumplan su función. Los elevados niveles de insulina inhiben por ejemplo la quema de grasa, haciendo que el metabolismo de las personas obesas favorezca la quema de glucógeno, y esto a su vez contribuye a aumentar el hambre (el cuerpo reclama glucosa constantemente).

        El hambre es probablemente nuestro impulso fisiológico más fuerte, algo imposible de vencer a medio plazo. Cualquier dieta que te haga luchar contra este instinto básico está destinada al fracaso.

    En vez de intentar luchar contra el hambre recortando calorías, debemos **recuperar los alimentos tradicionales** que regulan de manera correcta nuestro ciclo hambre-saciedad, además de adoptar otros hábitos


    Tu cuerpo tiene una especie de **adipostato**, que regula el nivel de grasa corporal en un rango óptimo, al igual que regula otras variables fisiológicas, como el pH de la sangre o la temperatura corporal. • El adipostato controla el nivel de grasa a través de varios mecanismos: modula el apetito y la saciedad, regula la función de la tiroides y afecta el gasto energético de la actividad física. • Este set point o punto de ajuste tiene un componente genético y epigenético, pero responde también a múltiples variables del entorno y a los hábitos diarios, jugando un papel clave el tipo de alimentos ingeridos. En próximas secciones veremos que la actividad física y

    El adipostato está regulado por un gran conjunto de hormonas, siendo la insulina y la leptina las cabecillas del grupo. • Alimentos de rápida digestión, con sabores artificiales y combinaciones no presentes en la naturaleza, hacen que el cerebro responda menos a las hormonas de saciedad de corto plazo, aumentando la ingesta calórica en cada comida.

    Elevaciones de glucosa constantes, en un contexto de exceso energético, saturan las reservas de glucógeno muscular y hepático. El hígado empieza a convertir glucosa en grasa, pero cada vez tiene más problemas para seguir acumulando. Parte de esa grasa se libera en sangre en forma de triglicéridos.
        Las células del hígado y músculos se vuelven resistentes, limitando la entrada de glucosa. El páncreas, al detectar que la glucosa sigue elevada, aumenta todavía más la insulina, y las células responden elevando también su resistencia. Es uno de los factores que contribuye a la llamada resistencia a la insulina.
        Cuando la insulina permanece elevada se inhibe la quema de grasa, incluso muchas horas después de comer. Esto eleva el peso que el cerebro intenta defender, facilitando la acumulación de grasa futura. Es como si el termostato de tu casa se reprogramara un par de grados por encima de lo que deseas.
        La acumulación de grasa eleva la leptina, que en condiciones normales indicaría al cerebro que el cuerpo tiene suficiente energía. Pero otros elementos que rodean esta desregulación, como inflamación y aumento de triglicéridos en sangre, evitan que la leptina llegue al cerebro, que sigue señalando hambre.
        Al intentar recortar calorías de manera voluntaria, el adipostato reacciona, reduciendo el metabolismo e intentando limitar el movimiento. Con el tiempo, el hambre y la falta de energía hacen que abandones.
        Al volver a comer las mismas calorías que antes, sobre un metabolismo más lento, no solo se ganan todos los kilos perdidos, sino que el peso se dispara por encima del inicial, el famoso efecto rebote. En

    En todas las poblaciones estudiadas, a medida que adoptaban una dieta occidental, aparecía la obesidad. Este es el primer gran mensaje: **seleccionar buenos alimentos es más importante que cuadrar calorías o macronutrientes**.

    **1. ELIMINA LA COMIDA INDUSTRIAL** Aportan muchas calorías pero pocos nutrientes. Se complementan con una larga lista de colorantes y aditivos para hacerlos más duraderos y atractivos. El problema de estos productos no es su aporte calórico, el azúcar o el aceite de palma. Ni siquiera sus carencias de fibra y nutrientes. Su principal peligro es su intención: están diseñados para saltarse tus mecanismos de regulación. Pretenden sobreestimular tu cerebro y hacerte dependiente de su sabor.

    El balance energético, como explicamos previamente, se mantiene gracias a un complejo entramado de hormonas y neurotransmisores, refinado a lo largo de millones de años.

    La liberación pequeña y gradual de dopamina en el cerebro del agricultor se convierte ahora en un tsunami de sobreestimulación. Con el tiempo, el cerebro responde a esta saturación, reduciendo gradualmente los receptores de dopamina. Se necesita cada vez mayor estimulación para producir el mismo placer. Lo que es inicialmente un estímulo especial se convierte con el tiempo en una necesidad. La comida normal, incluso la fruta más dulce, deja de producir placer. El cerebro se vuelve dependiente de la comida industrial.

    Los ganaderos saben que los animales engordan más rápido con pienso que con otros alimentos, y lo mismo ocurre con los humanos.

    Incluir cantidades moderadas de avena entera o arroz en la alimentación puede ser beneficioso para la mayoría, especialmente si se realiza suficiente actividad física. Pero cuando los cereales se convierten en harina su poder engordante se magnifica.

    Los alimentos basados en harinas aportan mucha energía y pocos nutrientes. Al digerirse más rápidamente reducen la **termogénesis** (se absorben más calorías), elevan la glucosa e insulina en mayor medida y producen menos saciedad. Esto incluye por supuesto la mayor parte de los productos industriales, pero también otros alimentos considerados saludables, como pan, pasta o galletas.

    Las **harinas integrales** son algo más recomendables, pero siguen siendo un alimento pobre en nutrientes y con alto aporte calórico.

    Pero como regla general, **cuantas menos harinas en tu vida, mejor**. Al eliminar pastas, panes y galletas reducirás tu hambre y perderás grasa más fácilmente.

    Las verduras son los alimentos con mayor densidad nutricional. Aportan además fibra beneficiosa y una gran cantidad de vitaminas y minerales.

    **Un tercio de hojas **verdes: espinacas, lechugas, rúcula, endivias, canónigos, etc. Son buena base para cualquier ensalada y aportan nutrientes relevantes, como magnesio, folato, potasio o manganeso.
        Un tercio de **crucíferos**: brócoli, coliflor, coles de Bruselas, ajo puerro, repollo, kale, etc. Tienen compuestos especiales no presentes en otros
        Un tercio de **verduras multicolor**: La recomendación de comer el arcoíris es acertada. Los polifenoles son responsables en muchos casos de la amplia variedad de colores en las verduras, y diferentes tonalidades se asocian a diferentes nutrientes. Por ejemplo la antocianina otorga el color púrpura (como la berenjena), los carotenoides el naranja (como la zanahoria) y la betalaína el rojo (como la remolacha). Las cebollas o los ajos son blancos pero son ricos en quercetina, otro potente polifenol. Y también puedes explorar las versiones coloradas, como cebolla morada o col lombarda.

    Las frutas tienen mayor densidad nutricional que los cereales, pero no tanta como las verduras.

    **Entre dos y cuatro raciones de fruta al día** es lo recomendable para la mayoría.

    En términos de **pérdida de grasa, la proteína es tu aliada**. Por un lado es el macronutriente más saciante, y metabólicamente es difícil que se acumule como grasa. Un nivel adecuado de proteína ayuda a **retener masa muscular** al adelgazar. Casi todas tus comidas deberían contener una buena fuente de proteína, preferiblemente rotando su origen.

    Tipos de carne, pescado, huevos, lácteos, legumbres o frutos secos, según tus preferencias y tolerancias. Algunos cereales como la avena contienen también un interesante aporte de proteína, aunque en general de menor calidad nutricional.

    Además de carnes y lácteos de calidad, mis fuentes de grasa favoritas incluyen aguacates, huevos y frutos secos. Los pescados azules son la mejor fuente de ácidos grasos Omega 3, especialmente EPA y DHA, importantes para tu cerebro y para reducir la inflamación.

    Europa prosperó una **mutación que mantenía activa en la edad adulta la tolerancia a la lactosa**, permitiendo a sus portadores beber leche durante toda su vida.

    En las personas que no descienden de europeos, la tolerancia es mucho menor, y se estima que solo el 35% de esa población presenta esta mutación.

    Aprendimos a fermentar la leche, produciendo quesos y yogures. Esta fermentación reducía la lactosa, y facilitaba además la conservación y transporte de estos nuevos alimentos.

    Algunas personas no toleran bien la caseína, su principal proteína.

        ¿Cuál es el problema de la betacaseína A1? Su digestión libera beta-casomorfina-7 (BCM7), que en personas con permeabilidad intestinal podría llegar al torrente sanguíneo y disparar enfermedades autoinmunes.

    Prioriza lácteos fermentados, como yogur, queso y kéfir. • Selecciona las opciones enteras, revisando bien las etiquetas. Un buen lácteo no debería contener azúcares ni aditivos. • En la medida de lo posible, que procedan de vacas alimentadas con pasto. • Si te gusta la leche, intenta limitarla a no más de dos vasos al día.

    Decenas de enfermedades están asociadas a problemas intestinales, que a su vez están ocasionados por dos trastornos principales: disbiosis y permeabilidad intestinal. La disbiosis es una alteración en los tipos y cantidades de bacterias respecto a las que tu cuerpo espera.

    Una microbiota pobre o desequilibrada favorece la enfermedad.

    permeabilidad intestinal. La microbiota es tu primera línea de defensa en el intestino. Tras ella se encuentra una fina mucosa intestinal, cuyo objetivo es permitir la absorción de nutrientes, bloqueando a la vez el paso de patógenos.

    Problemas en esta barrera permiten el paso de sustancias problemáticas (como la beta-casomorfina-7 que mencionamos al hablar de la leche), haciendo que tu sistema inmune reaccione en exceso. En casos extremos, este sistema inmune pierde la capacidad de distinguir entre células propias y ajenas, atacándose a sí mismo.

    El resultado pueden ser distintas enfermedades autoinmunes, desde hipotiroidismo de Hashimoto a psoriasis o artritis reumatoide.

    Microbiotas diversas están asociadas a una mejor salud mental y menor riesgo de depresión.

    No existe una microbiota humana ideal, pero como en cualquier ecosistema biológico, la diversidad es buena,

    Los niños que nacen por cesárea o no son alimentados con leche materna tienen más riesgo de enfermedad y obesidad al crecer, en parte por una peor microbiota.

    Antiinflamatorios como el ibuprofeno dañan además la barrera intestinal. Usa medicamentos cuando realmente los necesites, pero no te automediques libremente.

    Estrés. Estresores agudos puntuales, como el ejercicio, mejoran la salud de tu intestino, pero el estrés moderno, leve y constante, la perjudica.

    Exceso de higiene. Como veremos más adelante, nuestro sistema inmune espera la presencia de ciertos microbios y parásitos. Los utiliza para entrenarse y aprender a distinguir células propias de ajenas. Al alejarnos del campo y vivir en entornos estériles, con exceso de higiene, el sistema inmune se confunde, elevando el riesgo de alergias y enfermedades autoinmunes.

    El butirato es el más estudiado, y nos protege contra distintas enfermedades intestinales, incluyendo el cáncer de colon.

    Al llegar al colon, las bacterias los fermentan, alimentándose y liberando en el proceso beneficiosos ácidos grasos de cadena corta, como butirato y propionato.

    ¿Y dónde encontramos estos compuestos prebióticos? Principalmente en la fibra.

    Por ejemplo la fibra de los cereales es poco fermentable, siendo mucho más recomendable aumentar el consumo de frutas y verduras.

    Nuestros genes no esperan recibir comida cada pocas horas. Comer constantemente es propio de rumiantes, no de omnívoros.

    recomendación general, es matizable. Si

    Si tu objetivo es ganar masa muscular o tienes una vida muy activa, quizá te cueste meter todas tus calorías en pocas comidas, y añadir alguna ingesta adicional te ayudará. Si es tu caso, haz snacks, pero utiliza comida real, como fruta, yogur o frutos secos.

    Los huevos, demonizados por décadas, son en realidad una maravilla nutricional. Aparte de una gran fuente de proteína y grasa saludable, aportan nutrientes relevantes como colina, clave para el cerebro, o luteína y zeaxantina, importantes para la vista.

    Reduce los niveles de insulina en sangre, facilitando el uso de grasa como combustible y combatiendo la resistencia a la insulina. • Eleva la hormona de crecimiento, también involucrada en la quema de grasa. • Aumenta el metabolismo a corto plazo, como motivación ancestral para animarnos a buscar comida. Se eleva por ejemplo la adrenalina, que ayuda también

    Activa la autofagia, nuestro sistema de reciclaje y limpieza celular. Carencias de autofagia elevan el riesgo de enfermedades como el cáncer. Cuando el cuerpo recibe energía constantemente no tiene motivación para reciclar, y se acumulan deshechos celulares, que causan problemas con el tiempo. Fortalece también el sistema inmune.

    el cerebro consuma exclusivamente glucosa en condiciones normales, sin necesidad además de elevar la insulina.

    El BHB se produce en el hígado a partir del metabolismo de la grasa, y cruza fácilmente la barrera hematoencefálica. Dado que nuestras reservas de grasa son mucho mayores que las de glucosa, podemos alimentar nuestro cerebro por largos periodos.

    Si terminas de cenar a las 8pm y desayunas a las 8am del día siguiente, has hecho 12 horas de ayuno, suficiente para experimentar algunos de sus beneficios.

    Después de una comida alta en carbohidrato su cuerpo quema más glucosa, evitando elevaciones excesivas de azúcar en sangre. La glucosa no utilizada se almacena rápidamente en el músculo o en el hígado. • Después de una comida alta en grasa se eleva el uso de grasa como energía, conservando glucógeno y minimizando la grasa almacenada.

    En ayunos prolongados utiliza principalmente grasa como combustible, sin sufrir hipoglucemias ni sentir hambre a las pocas horas. Entra fácilmente en cetosis

    Nuestra comida se prepara cada vez menos en la cocina y más en las fábricas. Hemos permitido a la industria alimentaria cocinar por nosotros, y estamos pagando el precio. Los estudios demuestran una relación inversa entre tiempo cocinando y obesidad.

    Recomiendo comer crudas algunas verduras de hoja verde como espinaca, lechuga, berro o rúcula, para aprovechar todas sus vitaminas y antioxidantes. Agregarles aceite de oliva ayuda además a absorber vitaminas solubles en grasa, como vitamina K y A.

    Por el contrario, hervir produce una importante pérdida de nutrientes, que pasan de las verduras al agua. Esta pérdida es mayor cuanto más finas cortes las verduras.

        Cúrcuma: Tiene un gran efecto antiinflamatorio,

        Jengibre: Ayuda a regular la glucosa, papel anticancerígeno,

        Ajo . Para empezar, protege contra enfermedades comunes,

        Comino: estimula la producción

        curry porque es en realidad una mezcla de múltiples especias, como cúrcuma, comino o cilantro, un auténtico polvo mágico.

    Prioriza especias frescas y córtalas o muélelas antes de cocinar para preservar mejor sus propiedades.

    Añade cúrcuma al hervir el arroz.

    Los huevos van bien con casi todo, y las especias no son excepción. Prueba a espolvorearlos con algo de pimienta, comino, albahaca, tomillo…

    Recuerda simplemente no usar recipientes plásticos, ya que pueden liberar xenoestrógenos

    nuevas grasas industriales, también conocidas como grasas trans.

    Diseñó un proceso industrial que permitía convertir semillas de algodón en un aceite comestible, a través de la hidrogenación.

    Se le atribuyen cientos de miles de muertes por enfermedad coronaria, cáncer

    Uno de los mejores aceites para la cocina es el de oliva. Es principalmente monoinsaturado, con menos riesgo de oxidación, y es muy rico en antioxidantes, que

    Cualquier estrategia nutricional que te haga pasar hambre y no ayude a regular tu adipostato está destinada al fracaso.

    calorías objetivo,

    Para ganar peso, las calorías objetivo deberían estar un 10-15% por encima de las de mantenimiento. Tu

    Después del agua, la proteína es el compuesto principal de tu cuerpo.

    La recomendación mínima debería ser 1g/kg, aunque niveles de 1.5-2 g/kg han demostrado ser los más efectivos a la hora de perder grasa y ganar musculatura. Es decir, si pesas 70 kg, una ingesta óptima de proteína se situaría entre 105 y 140 gramos al día.

    Los carbohidratos simples se dividen a su vez en monosacáridos y disacáridos. Los monosacáridos son moléculas básicas, como glucosa y fructosa.

    Los disacáridos están compuestos por la unión de dos monosacáridos, como por ejemplo el azúcar de mesa, formado por una molécula de fructosa y otra de glucosa, o la lactosa de la leche, formada por la unión de una molécula de glucosa y otra de galactosa.

    Se denominan carbohidratos complejos a la unión de tres o más monosacáridos, y destacan dos tipos principales en nuestra dieta: almidones y fibras.

    Las grasas saturadas presentes de manera natural en huevos, carnes o lácteos de calidad son beneficiosas, así como las grasas insaturadas de aguacates, frutos secos o pescados.

    Según la propia Organización Mundial de la Salud, el sedentarismo causa más muertes que la obesidad. Nuestros genes esperan movimiento, y su ausencia produce enfermedad.

    El movimiento es una poderosa medicina, y sabemos que reduce de manera significativa el riesgo de todos los males crónicos modernos, desde enfermedad cardiovascular a cáncer, pasando por diabetes, osteoporosis e hipertensión.

    La actividad física reduce el riesgo de Alzheimer y otras enfermedades neurodegenerativas, preservando la claridad mental hasta el final.

    una gran parte del cerebro se dedica a controlar el movimiento. Si dejas de moverte, tu cerebro se atrofia.

    No dejamos de movernos porque envejecemos, envejecemos porque dejamos de movernos.

    Las personas que pasaban trece horas sentadas tenían el doble de riesgo de mortalidad que la media. Y no importaba solo el tiempo total sentado, también la duración de cada sentada. A igualdad de tiempo total, aquellos que se sentaban por períodos más cortos, intercalados con algo de movimiento, tenían menos riesgo que sus compañeros.

    Tu cuerpo necesita movimiento, pero el mundo moderno fomenta inmovilismo. Debes resistir la domesticación de la comodidad, que solo produce enfermedad. Movilízate por tu derecho al movimiento, incluyendo dosis pequeñas de actividad física a lo largo del día.

    los conductores de autobús en Londres sufrían el doble de mortalidad por enfermedad coronaria que sus compañeros cobradores.

    los carteros enfermaban mucho menos que sus compañeros del servicio postal que trabajaban en la oficina central.

    grupo de personas que más pasos hacía al día (más de 13.500) tenía una décima parte de la mortalidad que el grupo que menos caminaba (menos de 5.500 pasos al día).

    **Niños descalzos igual a niños más inteligentes**, detalla cómo el calzado para preandantes y de gateo interfiere con el desarrollo psicomotriz del niño.

    No es casual nuestra atracción por los glúteos del sexo opuesto. Unos glúteos fuertes eran sinónimo de buenas capacidades atléticas, y nadie quería una pareja que tuviera pocas probabilidades de supervivencia.

    Los glúteos son los músculos más grandes y fuertes del cuerpo, y juegan un papel clave en mantenernos erguidos.

    deben fortalecerse glúteos y abdominales, estirar los flexores de cadera y los pectorales y aumentar la movilidad de cadera y hombros.

    **SÉ UN GENERALISTA, NO UN ESPECIALISTA** Para sobrevivir en la sabana necesitábamos habilidades muy variadas.

    Algunos simplemente corren, pensando que la capacidad cardiovascular es lo único que importa. Otros únicamente levantan pesas, y para otros solo existe el yoga. Todas estas actividades físicas son buenas,

    lograremos mejores resultados si incorporamos de vez en cuando esfuerzos máximos.

    **LEVANTA ALGO PESADO, CORRE AL MÁXIMO** Si te esfuerzas al máximo, aunque sea durante unos instantes, tu cerebro percibe una amenaza, y tiene un incentivo mayor para desarrollar más músculo y quemar más grasa.

    En vez de incluir la misma intensidad en todas tus sesiones, debes exponerte a variaciones, haciendo unas sesiones más suaves y otras más duras.

    5 sprints de 20 segundos de duración, caminando 45 segundos entre cada uno. Puedes jugar con los tiempos de sprint y descanso, pero recuerda que más de 20-30 segundos deja de ser un sprint, y

    La mayor parte del entrenamiento de abdominales debe ser indirecto. Los mejores ejercicios de abdominales no parecen ejercicios de abdominales.

    todos los animales juegan, haciendo evidente que esta diversión debe cumplir alguna función. ¿Cuál es entonces el propósito evolutivo del juego? Aprender estrategias básicas de supervivencia. En otras palabras, la diversión es la base del sistema educativo de la naturaleza. Justo lo contrario que en la escuela moderna.

    cuanto mayor es el cerebro de un animal más tiempo dedica a jugar.

    múltiples análisis de regresión encuentran asociación entre menos horas de juego en niños y más problemas en la edad adulta. Los niños con déficits de juego desarrollan menos curiosidad y habilidad social, así como peor regulación emocional. Crecen con mayores niveles de ansiedad y depresión, y presentan más dificultades para mantener la atención.

    Sea como fuere, bailar nos hace bien. La música reduce los niveles de hormonas del estrés y activa zonas del cerebro asociadas con placer.

    Cualquier actividad que te permita desconectar durante unas horas de la monotonía y explorar tu capacidad creativa será bienvenida. Si no puedes convertir tu pasión en tu profesión, al menos dedica algo de tiempo a eso que reclama tu corazón.

    No hay hobbies mejores que otros, lo importante es que lo disfrutes. Si no sientes atracción especial por nada, explora distintas opciones, no te conformes. Toma clases de pintura o música, crea un pequeño huerto o prueba alfarería.

    ¿Por qué dormir poco nos hace engordar? Por muchos motivos, que contribuyen en su conjunto a la desregulación del adipostato.

    la falta de sueño te hace comer más y peor, y limita tu capacidad de procesar adecuadamente las calorías que ingieres. Y por supuesto, si dormiste mal tendrás menos energía para entrenar.

    Hay pocas formas de mejorar tu inteligencia. Dormir bien es una de ellas.

    A primera hora de la mañana se eleva el cortisol, nuestro despertador natural. Aumenta también la testosterona, la presión sanguínea y la temperatura corporal.

    Esta combinación nos permitía empezar el día con energía, y el momento de mayor capacidad cognitiva para la mayoría es un par de horas después de levantarse.

    Teníamos relojes, pero no teníamos tiempo. Fusionar el día y la noche produjo un jetlag social que nos mantiene siempre a medio gas. Nos cuesta dormir y nos cuesta despertar.

    DIEZ PRINCIPIOS PARA UNA GRAN NOCHE

        EXPONTE A LUZ SOLAR DURANTE EL DÍA

        EVITA PANTALLAS POR LA NOCHE Nuestro cuerpo no está bien adaptado a recibir luz azul brillante por la noche. La única luz que nuestros ancestros veían tras la puesta del sol procedía de la luna o del fuego.

        ENFRÍA TU CUERPO

        MUÉVETE DURANTE EL DÍA

        CREA UN SANTUARIO DEL SUEÑO

    Nuestro entorno condiciona nuestro comportamiento, afectando también al sueño.

    Si trabajas, comes y ves la televisión en la habitación, tu cerebro asociará ese entorno con estimulación, no con descanso.

    elimina las pantallas de tu habitación, y no veas la televisión en la cama. Si quieres ver algo por la noche, hazlo mejor en otra estancia separada.

    Los estudios demuestran que comidas abundantes muy cerca de la hora de acostarse son peor digeridas.

    El otro factor a considerar es la duración total de la ventana de alimentación.

    Los que comían durante un horario amplio engordaban más que aquellos cuya ingesta se limitaba a ocho horas, a pesar de igualar la ingesta calórica.

    Los peligros a los que se enfrentaban nuestros ancestros solían ser físicos y de rápida resolución: peleas, depredadores e inclemencias de la naturaleza. La mejor estrategia de supervivencia era segregar hormonas del estrés, preparando nuestro cuerpo para luchar o huir. Estas hormonas aumentan la frecuencia cardíaca, elevan la presión arterial y liberan combustible en sangre para los músculos (glucosa y ácidos grasos).

    En un entorno salvaje era mejor responder de manera exagerada a cien amenazas imaginarias que ignorar una sola amenaza real. Y aquí viene el problema.

    Para tu cerebro, los problemas de la oficina representan un peligro tan tangible como ser perseguido por un tigre.

    El café en moderación tiene múltiples beneficios para la salud, pero si necesitas cafeína para empezar el día, algo falla.

    No entregar a tiempo un informe o llegar tarde a una reunión nos produce estrés, pero no amenazan realmente nuestra supervivencia. La mayoría de cosas que nos estresan hoy no tienen gran trascendencia.

    Cuando te notes estresado por algún problema concreto, pregúntate si tendrá importancia dentro de un año.

    Y si no va a importar dentro de un tiempo, tampoco debería importar ahora. Esto no significa que debas ignorar los problemas o negar su existencia. Simplemente decides dedicar toda tu energía a resolverlos, no a preocuparte inútilmente por ellos.

    Gran parte del estrés se origina al recordar el pasado o imaginar el futuro.

    Como decía Mark Twain: «He vivido cosas terribles, la mayoría de las cuales nunca ocurrieron».

    Cuanto más tiempo pases en el aquí y el ahora, menos estrés tendrás. Y la mejor herramienta para reconectar con el momento presente es la meditación.

    Las siestas breves ayudan a mitigar los efectos negativos del déficit de sueño nocturno.

    Creando un ritual nocturno. Por ritual me refiero simplemente a encadenar una serie de acciones, que ayudan a conciliar el sueño por sí mismas, pero cuyo efecto se amplifica si las realizas de manera seguida.

    La modernidad y la riqueza ofrecen alternativas. Ahora podemos obtener nuestra comida sin contar con nadie y tener nuestro propio refugio. En consecuencia, muchas más personas viven solas hoy que hace sólo unas décadas.

    Un entorno libre de enemigos, con protección garantizada por unos pocos, como policía, ejército o bomberos, nos permite pasar la vida sin tener que ayudar a nadie ni integrarnos en ninguna comunidad.

    Nunca hemos tenido tanta gente a nuestro alrededor y nunca nos hemos sentido tan solos. El impacto en la salud es enorme.

    nuestros genes siguen esperando contacto social. Responden por tanto a la soledad de la misma manera que en la antigüedad: con estrés y ansiedad.

    La debilidad de los lazos sociales en el mundo moderno contribuye a las crecientes tasas de depresión y ansiedad,

    A corto plazo, la exclusión social activa la misma circuitería neuronal que el dolor físico, elevando la presión arterial y deprimiendo el sistema inmune. Esto explicaría por qué la mayoría de estudios encuentran asociación entre menor contacto social y mayor riesgo de casi cualquier enfermedad, desde cáncer a enfermedad coronaria.

    Las relaciones sociales suponen un gran ejercicio para el cerebro, y sabemos que las capacidades cognitivas se deterioran rápidamente cuando las personas se aíslan, favoreciendo la aparición de enfermedades neurodegenerativas.

    las personas que estaban satisfechas con sus relaciones personales a los cincuenta años eran las que llegaban con mejor salud a los ochenta.

    Las relaciones personales eran más importantes que el nivel de colesterol, los genes, la clase social o la inteligencia.

    Mantener buenos lazos sociales no es solo importante para la salud, es con diferencia el factor que

    Al desmantelar los lazos sociales que los habían protegido de las presiones del mundo moderno, las tasas de enfermedad coronaria se duplicaron, igualando a finales de los años setenta las del resto del país.

    ideas para mejorar tu salud a través del contacto social.

    **MÁS CONTACTO FÍSICO**Nuestros genes esperan contacto físico desde el primer día. El hábitat natural de un bebé es la piel de su madre.

    cuando nos obligan a dormir solos. Para un bebé, quedarse sin compañía en una habitación oscura es una señal clara de peligro, y responde con estrés.

    Mientras que los bebés modernos pasan casi todo el día en cunas o carritos, las madres de sociedades cazadoras-recolectoras cargan al niño la mayor parte del tiempo durante sus primeros

    Este contacto físico, piel con piel, regula por ejemplo la expresión del gen OXT, productor de oxitocina, la llamada hormona del amor, y una pieza central en la química de la conexión.

    las personas que mantienen relaciones sexuales dos veces a la semana muestran sistemas inmunes más fuertes y menor riesgo de enfermedad cardiovascular y depresión.

    como agarrar a tu pareja de la mano o acariciar su pelo producen también liberaciones de oxitocina, y lo mismo con actividades como bailar pegados.

    Los dueños de mascotas muestran mejoría en indicadores como presión arterial o niveles de cortisol, y también en mortalidad a largo plazo.

    Nuestros cerebros evolucionaron en la edad de piedra, y no están bien adaptados a la era digital.

    Adicción a la información La información siempre ha representado poder, y en un entorno salvaje, nueva información podía salvarte la vida.

    La información consume atención, y un exceso de información genera por tanto un déficit de atención.

    Necesidad de reconocimiento social En nuestro entorno ancestral, el rechazo social era letal. Esto nos ha hecho muy sensibles a la crítica, y un simple comentario negativo en Facebook puede arruinarnos el día.

    **NO PIERDAS LOS VIEJOS AMIGOS** Su experiencia le permitió identificar los principales arrepentimientos de las personas al final de sus vidas, y una de las cosas que más lamentaba la mayoría era no haber mantenido el contacto con los buenos amigos.

    Reconectar con amigos de manera frecuente reduce el riesgo de demencia y depresión, aumenta los niveles de serotonina y las emociones positivas.

    puedes hacer este proceso más eficiente si combinas la conexión personal con alguna otra actividad. Puedes quedar con un amigo para entrenar, con otro para pasear el perro y con otro para hacer una caminata

    puedes hacer este proceso más eficiente si combinas la conexión personal con alguna otra actividad. Puedes quedar con un amigo para entrenar, con otro para pasear el perro y con otro para hacer una caminata por la montaña. Además de los beneficios de la propia actividad, obtendrás los de la interacción social.

    **AYUDA A LOS DEMÁS** El altruismo nos hace bien aunque nadie más conozca nuestras buenas acciones. Pequeños actos de generosidad producen liberaciones de oxitocina y dopamina, contribuyendo a un sentimiento de bienestar.

    «Solo serán realmente felices aquellos que encuentren una forma de ayudar a los demás».

    **CREA TU TRIBU** los hábitos son contagiosos. Tendemos hacia la media de las personas que nos rodean Si no tienes una tribu, búscala. Define quién quieres ser y qué quieres lograr, y busca grupos de personas que reflejen tus objetivos. Intentar crear algún desafío que debáis superar, unidos. Una dura ruta de montaña o una carrera de obstáculos en equipo os dejarán recuerdos más duraderos que una tarde de tapas.

    El mayor arrepentimiento de la gente en sus últimos días era no haber vivido su propia vida.

    Lamentaban haberse dejado influenciar por las expectativas de la sociedad, esas fuerzas modernas de la conformidad.

    **RECONECTA CON LA NATURALEZA**: Aunque actualmente es mucho más probable morir en un accidente de tráfico que envenenado por una serpiente, seguimos temiendo más a las serpientes que a los coches.

    En colegios y universidades, los alumnos en clases con vistas a la naturaleza obtienen mejores notas, a pesar de tener los mismos profesores y materiales educativos que los alumnos en clases sin vistas.

    En fábricas y oficinas, tanto las vistas naturales como las plantas decorativas aumentan la productividad y reducen las bajas por enfermedad.

    la naturaleza magnifica los efectos beneficiosos de la actividad física.

    cinco ideas para reconectar con la naturaleza.

    **AÑADE NATURALEZA A TU VIDA DIARIA** ¿Hay algún parque o lago cerca? ¿Tiene parcela o jardín? Algo tan sencillo como cuidar un jardín tiene muchos beneficios para la salud.

    En adultos mayores, los que cuidaban su jardín tenían un 50% menos riesgo de demencia.

    **ENTRENA EN TU HÁBITAT NATURAL** Varios estudios confirman que después de la misma cantidad de actividad física, aquellos que la realizan en un entorno natural muestran menor fatiga y mayor bienestar, además de un mejor efecto global en la salud mental.

    Cuando los rayos del sol entran en contacto con la piel, un compuesto derivado del colesterol se transforma en vitamina D.

    juega un papel clave en el organismo. Fortalece los huesos y el sistema inmune y reduce la inflamación.

    Al salir de África y conquistar nuevas latitudes, una piel tan oscura era peligrosa. Se produjeron mutaciones que derivaron en una piel más clara, otorgando a sus pálidos poseedores una clara ventaja: más vitamina D. Esta mutación se extendió rápidamente, y en poco tiempo casi toda la población de latitudes norteñas tenía piel blanca. Además,

    hay dos tipos de **radiaciones ultravioleta: UVA y UVB**. La síntesis de vitamina D depende sobre todo de los rayos UVB, cuya longitud de onda es corta, limitando su capacidad de atravesar la atmósfera. Llegan con facilidad a la zona ecuatorial pero en mucha menor medida a latitudes elevadas.

    los rayos UVB alcanzan la tierra principalmente a mediodía.

    si te tumbas en la playa en agosto, a mediodía y en bañador, obtendrás suficiente vitamina D en diez o quince minutos. Si tienes la piel oscura necesitarás el doble de tiempo. Por el contrario, si un día de invierno expones únicamente la cara y las manos, necesitarás varias horas para obtener una buena dosis de esta vitamina, incluso a mediodía.

    los rayos UVB no atraviesan bien los cristales ni las cremas solares, la exposición debe ser directa.

    Hay una relación directa entre mayor exposición al sol y menor riesgo de casi todos los tipos de cáncer: próstata, pulmón, pecho, colorrectal, leucemia, páncreas, vejiga y linfoma.

    la vitamina D actúa por ejemplo sobre el gen p53, el denominado guardián del genoma. Este gen previene errores en el proceso de replicación celular, una de las vías por las que se puede originar el cáncer.

    Fortalece además el sistema inmune, mejorando su capacidad de luchar contra las células cancerígenas.

    Cualquiera de los cánceres mencionados antes mata a muchas más personas que el cáncer de piel.

    Pensemos en un campesino del Neolítico. Pasaba gran parte de su tiempo en exteriores, y la radiación que recibía variaba con las estaciones. Antes del sol intenso del verano tenía varios meses de exposición gradual, desarrollando un saludable bronceado, nuestro protector natural.

    con el típico trabajador moderno de oficina. Pasa la primavera con mínimo acceso al sol, bañado únicamente por la luz de su pantalla. Con

    Existen dos tipos principales de cáncer de piel:
        **Cáncer de piel no melanoma**. Se forma en la capa externa de la piel (células basales o escamosas). Es relativamente frecuente pero fácilmente tratable. Casi nadie muere de este cáncer.
        **Melanoma**. Se produce en los melanocitos, las células de la piel que producen la melanina. Es poco frecuente (representa menos de un 5% de los cánceres de piel) pero es más peligroso, por su capacidad de generar metástasis si no se trata a tiempo.

    El **melanoma** está asociado principalmente a una exposición solar intermitente o vacacional, y disminuye con una exposición gradual y continuada. En resumen, el problema no es el sol en sí sino la forma en la que nos exponemos hoy a él.

    debes tomar precauciones y evitar quemaduras, ligadas a mayor riesgo de melanoma, pero evitar el sol por definición es un error.

    Protégete la cara, cuya piel es más delicada, y adapta el tiempo de exposición a la estación y color de piel. Si vas a exceder lo que tu piel puede tolerar, usa protector solar.

    **EXPONTE A LA INTEMPERIE** Otro aspecto al que la naturaleza nos exponía con frecuencia era la variación térmica. Hoy, sin embargo, vivimos casi todo el año a la misma temperatura. Al evitar temperaturas extremas se atrofia nuestra capacidad de termorregulación.

    Nuestro cuerpo requiere cierta rutina, pero también variabilidad e incertidumbre, en el ejercicio, en la comida, y en la temperatura.

    La sauna puede proteger por ejemplo de los resfriados, producidos por infecciones leves. De hecho, elevar la temperatura es una defensa natural del cuerpo. La fiebre no es un efecto colateral de la enfermedad, es su cura.

    Nuestra obsesión con usar medicamentos para bajar la fiebre es equivocada y puede ser contraproducente. Salvo casos extremos (fiebres muy elevadas) es mejor no interferir con nuestros mecanismos naturales de curación.

    Elevar la temperatura corporal de manera temporal no es solo bueno para la salud general, también para tu rendimiento deportivo.

    La sauna produce múltiples adaptaciones fisiológicas que benefician el rendimiento deportivo:
        Mejora la termorregulación. Al disipar mejor el calor posponemos la fatiga de la actividad física.
        Aumenta el riego sanguíneo, el número de glóbulos rojos y el volumen plasmático.
        Aumenta la biogénesis mitocondrial. Con más mitocondrias podrás producir más energía y reducir el riesgo de obesida
        Favorece la conservación de glucógeno muscular, priorizando el uso de grasa como energía y postergando la fatiga.

    Eleva la hormona de crecimiento más de un 100% y libera las llamadas proteínas de choque térmico, que reducen la pérdida de masa muscular al atenuar el estrés oxidativo y reducir la degradación de proteínas.

    efectos de exposiciones puntuales al frío:
        Mejora la quema de grasa y la absorción de glucosa por parte de los músculos, gracias en parte a la mayor activación de la hormona adiponectina. Niveles bajos de esta hormona están ligados a obesidad, diabetes, y más enfermedad cardiovascular.
        Fortalece el sistema inmune. Aunque una exposición prolongada debilita la función inmunológica (recuerda el concepto de hormesis), está demostrado que exposiciones cortas e intensas lo robustecen, elevando la producción de células asesinas (NK o natural killers) y glutatión, nuestro principal antioxidante.
        Alarga la longevidad de las células, previniendo la ruta mTOR e incentivando la autofagia, de manera similar al efecto de los ayunos intermitentes.
        Disminuye el dolor asociado a diferentes condiciones, como la artritis, a través de la estimulación de la noradrenalina y la reducción de la inflamación.
        Mejora síntomas de depresión leve.

    el descenso térmico te ayudará a dormir mejor.

    En tu día a día, termina la ducha con un minuto de agua fría, haciendo énfasis en espalda y pecho. Activarás tu grasa marrón y también tu cerebro.

    A medida que los países se desarrollaban, se reducían las infecciones, pero aumentaban las alergias y enfermedades autoinmunes.

    Los países más ricos tienen veinte veces más casos de asma, rinoconjuntivitis y eczema que los países menos desarrollados.

    En el caso de diabetes tipo I (enfermedad autoinmune) la diferencia es todavía más impresionante, siendo cuatrocientas veces más probable que la sufras si vives en Finlandia (país especialmente desarrollado) que en China o Venezuela.

    esclerosis múltiple disminuyeron en Buenos Aires tras el corralito financiero de 2001, momento en el que aumentó terriblemente la suciedad en las calles. Comparando

    Los niños que viven en entornos rurales tienen menos riesgo de desarrollar asma o alergias que los niños urbanos. Tener más hermanos, y por tanto más exposición a distintos gérmenes, protege también contra estos trastornos.

    nuestro sistema inmune requiere la presencia de estos parásitos y bacterias para modularse adecuadamente. Si esta exposición no se produce, el sistema inmune no aprende, y reacciona después de manera exagerada ante partículas inofensivas, como el polen. En casos extremos, llega a atacar sus propios tejidos, el origen de las enfermedades autoinmunes.

    **DEJA QUE LOS PEQUEÑOS SE ENSUCIEN** Los niños tienen el hábito de llevarse todo a la boca, ante el horror de sus padres. Sin embargo, este instinto evolucionó porque es útil para el sistema inmune, formando parte de su proceso de aprendizaje.

    Deja que los pequeños se ensucien, especialmente en entornos naturales, menos contaminados que los urbanos. Exponlos a mascotas y fomenta el juego con otros niños. No los aísles. No abuses de geles ni toallitas antimicrobianas.

    Agua con jabón convencional es suficiente, y no les obligues a lavarse las manos constantemente.

    somos ecosistemas altamente integrados, y los ecosistemas diversos son más resistentes ante perturbaciones externas.

    **MÁS CONTACTO CON LA TIERRA** cuidar un huerto o un jardín. En el proceso de plantar, trasplantar y abonar entrarás en contacto con la tierra, exponiéndote a bacterias que permitirán reentrenar tu sistema inmune.



Thinking in Bets: Making Smarter Decisions When You Don't Have All the Facts
    Life Is Poker, Not Chess. we have the tendency to **equate the quality of a decision with the quality of its outcome**. Poker players have a word for this: "resulting."

    Drawing an overly tight relationship between results and decision quality affects our decisions every day, potentially with far-reaching, catastrophic consequences.

    **Hindsight bias** is the tendency, after an outcome is known, to see the outcome as having been inevitable. When we say, "I should have known that would happen," or, "I should have seen it coming," we are succumbing to hindsight bias.

    Those beliefs develop from an overly tight connection between outcomes and decisions.

    Making a connection between "rustling" and "lions" could save their lives on later occasions. Finding predictable connections is, literally, how our species survived.

    In chess, outcomes correlate more tightly with decision quality. In poker, it is much easier to get lucky and win, or get unlucky and lose.

    The quality of our lives is the **sum of decision quality plus luck**.

    Getting **comfortable with "I'm not sure"** is a vital step to being a better decision-maker.

    What makes a decision great is not that it has a great outcome. **A great decision is the result of a good process**, and that process must include an attempt to accurately represent our own state of knowledge.

    Decisions are bets on the future, and they aren't "right" or "wrong" based on whether they turn out well on any particular iteration.

    Being wrong hurts us more than being right feels good. Losses in general feel about two times as bad as wins feel good.

    In most of our decisions, we are not betting against another person. Rather, we are betting against all the future versions of ourselves that we are not choosing.

    Sadly, this is not the way it works. We form beliefs without vetting most of them, and maintain them even after receiving clear, corrective information.

    The better you are with numbers, the better you are at spinning those numbers to conform to and support your beliefs.

    We are wired to protect our beliefs even when our goal is to truthseek.

    There is no sin in finding out there is evidence that contradicts what we believe. The only sin is in not using that evidence as objectively as possible to refine that belief going forward.

    100% of our bad outcomes aren't because we got unlucky and 100% of our good outcomes aren't because we are so awesome. Yet that is how we process the future as it unfolds.

    Black-and-white thinking, uncolored by the reality of uncertainty, is a driver of both motivated reasoning and self-serving bias.

    Blaming others for their bad results and failing to give them credit for their good ones is under the influence of ego. Taking credit for a win lifts our personal narrative. So too does knocking down a peer by finding them at fault for a loss. That's schadenfreude: deriving pleasure from someone else's misfortune. Schadenfreude is basically the opposite of compassion.

    It's not enough to boost our self-image solely by our own successes. If someone we view as a peer is winning, we feel like we're losing by comparison. We benchmark ourselves to them.

    Perspective taking gets us closer to the truth because that truth generally lies in the middle of the way we field outcomes for ourselves and the way we field them for others. By taking someone else's perspective, we are more likely to land in that middle ground.

    **Confirmatory thought** amplifies bias, promoting and encouraging motivated reasoning because its main purpose is justification.

    **Exploratory thought**, on the other hand, encourages an open-minded and objective consideration of alternative hypotheses and a tolerance of dissent to combat bias.

    Exploratory thought helps the members of a group reason toward a more accurate representation of the world.

    This is why it's so important to have intellectual and ideological diversity within any group or institution whose goal is to find truth.

    Once we are in a group that regularly reinforces exploratory thought, the routine becomes reflexive, running on its own.

    **The importance of diversity of opinion**. Diversity and dissent are not only checks on fallibility, but the only means of testing the ultimate truth of an opinion:

    hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.

    On our own, we have just one viewpoint. That's our limitation as humans. But if we take a bunch of people with that limitation and put them together in a group, we get exposed to diverse opinions, can test alternative hypotheses, and move toward accuracy.

    To get a more objective view of the world, we need an environment that exposes us to alternate hypotheses and different perspectives.

    The more homogeneous we get, the more the group will promote and amplify confirmatory thought.

    Getting our information from sources we know will share our view of the world. We often don't even realize when we are in the echo chamber ourselves, because we're so in love with our own ideas that it all just sounds sensible and right.

    There is a natural drift toward homogeneity and confirmatory thought.

    When we have a negative opinion about the person delivering the message, we close our minds to what they are saying and miss a lot of learning opportunities because of it. Likewise, when we have a positive opinion of the messenger, we tend to accept the message without much vetting. Both are bad.

    Our brains have built-in conflicts of interest, interpreting the world around us to confirm our beliefs, to avoid having to admit ignorance or error,

    Skepticism is about approaching the world by asking why things might not be true rather than why they are true.

    Thinking in bets embodies skepticism by encouraging us to examine what we do and don't know and what our level of confidence is in our beliefs and predictions. This moves us closer to what is objectively true.

    when the new information is presented as supplementing rather than negating what has come before, our listeners will be much more open to what we have to say.

    "I agree with you that [insert specific concepts and ideas we agree with], AND " After "and," add the additional information.

    that challenge puts people on the defensive. "And" is an offer to contribute. "But" is a denial and repudiation

    We can think of this broadly as an attempt to avoid the language of "no." In the performance art of improvisation, the first advice is that when someone starts a scene, you should respond with "yes, and".

    When Night Jerry stays up late, it's because it benefits him now; he discounts the benefits that come later from going to bed.

    We are built for temporal discounting, for using the resources that are available to us now as opposed to saving them for a future version of us that we aren't particularly in touch with in the moment of the decision.

    Bringing our future-self into the decision gets us started thinking about the future consequences of those in-the-moment decisions.

    regret can do nothing to change what has already happened. We just wallow in remorse about something over which we no longer have any control. But if regret occurred before a decision instead of after, the experience of regret might get us to change a choice likely to result in a bad outcome.

    The decisions driven by the emotions of the moment can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, degrading the quality of the bets we make, increasing the chances of bad outcomes, and making things worse.

    The way we field outcomes is path dependent. It doesn't so much matter where we end up as how we got there.

    So you're sad that you won $100 and happy that you lost $100.

    in-the-moment emotions affect the quality of the decisions we make in those moments, and we are very willing to make decisions when we are not emotionally fit to do so.

    "bad outcomes can have an impact on your emotions that compromise your decision-making going forward so that you make emotionally charged, irrational decisions

    "Do you think maybe you are/were on tilt?" We can follow that with time-traveling questions like, "Do you think this will really matter in the long run?"

    signal that we might be not be our most rational selves.

    Signs of the illusion of certainty: "I know," "I'm sure," "I knew it," "It always happens this way," "I'm

    Overconfidence: similar terms to the illusion of certainty. Irrational outcome fielding: "I can't believe how unlucky I got,"

    Any kind of moaning or complaining about bad luck just to off-load it, with no real point to the story other than to get sympathy.

    Generalized characterizations of people meant to dismiss their ideas: insulting, pejorative characterizations of others, like "idiot" or, in poker, "donkey."

    Other violations of the Mertonian norm of universalism, shooting the message because we don't think much of the messenger.

    Signals that we have zoomed in on a moment, out of proportion with the scope of time: "worst day ever," "the day from hell." Expressions that explicitly signal motivated reasoning, accepting or rejecting information without much evidence, like "conventional wisdom" or "if you ask anybody" or "Can you prove that it's not true?"

    participating in an echo chamber, like "everyone agrees with me." The word "wrong," which deserves its own swear jar. The Mertonian norm of organized skepticism allows little place in exploratory discussion for the word "wrong." "Wrong" is a conclusion, not a rationale. And it's not a particularly accurate conclusion since, as we know, nearly nothing is 100% or 0%.

    Infecting our listeners with a conflict of interest, including our own conclusion or belief when asking for advice or informing the listener of the outcome before getting their input. Terms that discourage engagement of others and their opinions, including expressions of certainty and also initial phrasing inconsistent with that great lesson from improvisation—"yes,

    by mapping out the potential futures and probabilities, we are less likely to fall prey to resulting or hindsight bias,

    hindsight bias is, and we're all running amok through the forest with a chainsaw once we get an outcome. Once something occurs, we no longer think of it as probabilistic—or as ever having been probabilistic. This is how we get into the frame of mind where we say, "I should have known" or "I told you so." This is where unproductive regret comes from.



Building a Second Brain

    Second Brain system will teach you how to:
        **Find anything** you've learned, touched, or thought about in the past within seconds. Organize your knowledge and use it to move your projects and goals forward more consistently.
        **Save your best thinking** so you don't have to do it again.
        Connect ideas and notice patterns across different areas of your life so you know how to live better.
        **Adopt a reliable system** that helps you share your work more confidently and with more ease. Turn work "off" and relax, knowing you have a trusted system keeping track of all the details.
        **Spend less time looking for** things, and more time doing the best, most creative work you are capable of.

    **Information is the fundamental building block** of everything you do. This system to manage the ever-increasing volume of information pouring into their brains. I.E getting a new job, learning a new skill, starting a business. All these require stages: **remembering, connecting, and creating**.

    **"CODE" Process**-Capture; Organize; Distill; Express.
        **Capture: Keep What Resonates**. we can't consume every bit of this information stream.O nly the ideas and insights we think are truly noteworthy.
        **Keep only what resonates** in a trusted place that you control, and to leave the rest aside. Instead of jumping at every new headline and notification, we can choose to consume information that adds value to our lives and consciously let go of the rest.
        **Organize: Save for Actionability**. Organize for action, according to the active projects you are working on right now. Consider new information in terms of its utility,
        **Distill: Find the Essence Once** Every idea has an "essence": the heart and soul of what it is trying to communicate.
        **Express: Show Your Work**. Personal knowledge management exists to support taking action-anything else is a distraction.

    shift as much of your time and effort as possible **from consuming to creating**.

    "knowledge assets" that crystallize what you know in concrete form. Some examples:
        Stories: Your favorite anecdotes
        Insights: The small (and big) realizations you have.
        Memories: Experiences from your life that you don't want to forget.
        Reflections: Personal thoughts and lessons written in a journal or diary. Musings: Random "shower ideas" that pop into your head.

    What Not to Keep
        passwords, and health records
        specialized files such as Photoshop files or video footage
        very large files

    in any piece of content, the value is not evenly distributed. There are always certain parts that are especially interesting, helpful, or valuable to you.

    Extract only the most salient, relevant, rich material and save it as a succinct note.

    The more economical you can be with the material you capture in the first place, the less time and effort your future self will have to spend organizing, distilling, and expressing it.

    keep what resonates. The moment you first encounter an idea is the worst time to decide what it means. You need to set it aside and gain some objectivity.

    Students who wrote about emotional topics showed improvements in their grades, professionals who had been laid off found new jobs more quickly, and staff members were absent from work at lower rates.

    Notetaking is the easiest and simplest way of externalizing our thinking. How much content to capture in your notes, I recommend no more than 10 percent of the original source, at most.

    Advantage of Thinking Out Loud

    **The Cathedral Effect** Studies have shown that the environment we find ourselves in powerfully shapes our thinking.

    **PARA organization: Projects, Areas, Resources, and Archives**.
        **Projects**: Short-term efforts in your work or life that you're working on now.
        **Areas**: Long-term responsibilities you want to manage over time. Areas are critical to your health, happiness, security, and life satisfaction. Which hobbies or passions do you have? What subjects are you researching?
        **Resources**: Topics or interests that may be useful in the future.
        **Archives**: Inactive items from the other three categories.

    The moment you first capture an idea is the worst time to try to decide what it relates to.

    Most notes apps have an "inbox" or "daily notes" section where new notes you've captured are saved until you can revisit them and decide where they belong.

    In which project will this be most useful? If none: In which area will this be most useful? If none: Which resource does this belong to? If none: Place in archives.

    deciding where to put a note. Instead of organizing ideas according to where they come from, I recommend organizing them according to where they are going-specifically,

    "**Move quickly and touch lightly**" instead. To look for the path of least resistance and make progress in short steps.

    Notice what's on your mind: What's worrying you that you haven't taken the time to identify as a project?

    Look at your calendar: What do you need to follow up on from the past?

    Look at your to-do list: What actions are you already taking that are actually part of a bigger project

    project? Look at your computer desktop, downloads folder, documents folder, bookmarks,

    **notetaking is like time travel**-you are sending packets of knowledge through time to your future self.

    **discoverability**-how easy it is to discover what they contain and access the specific points that are most immediately useful.

    **Progressive Summarization** you highlight the main points of a note, and then highlight the main points of those highlights, and so on,

    Building a Second Brain is really about **standardizing the way we work**.
    step-by-step process for producing high-quality food efficiently.

    **Project Checklists**: Ensure you start and finish your projects in a consistent way, making use of past work.
    **Weekly and Monthly Reviews**: Periodically review your work and life and decide if you want to change anything. Noticing Habits: Notice small opportunities to edit, highlight, or move notes to make them more discoverable for your future self.

    **Weekly Review** to write down any new to-dos, review your active projects, and decide on priorities for the upcoming week, review the notes you've created over the past week, give them succinct titles that tell you what's inside, and sort them into the appropriate PARA folders. Clear my email inbox. Check my calendar. Clear my computer desktop. Clear my notes inbox. Choose my tasks for the week.

    **A Monthly Review Template: Reflect for Clarity and Control**: Review and update my goals. Review and update my project list. Review my areas of responsibility. Review someday/maybe tasks. Reprioritize tasks.

    The three habits most important to your Second Brain include:

    **feedback loop**: a way to "recycle" the knowledge that was created as part of past efforts so it can be used in future ones as well.

    **Checklist #1: Project Kickoff**: Capture my current thinking on the project. Review folders (or tags) that might contain relevant notes. Search for related terms across all folders. Move (or tag) relevant notes to the project folder. Create an outline of collected notes and plan the project.

    **Checklist #2: Project Completion**: steps you can take to decide if there are any reusable knowledge assets worth keeping, before archiving the rest. Mark project as complete in task manager or project management app. Cross out the associated project goal and move to "Completed" section. Review Intermediate Packets and move them to other folders. Move project to archives across all platforms. If project is becoming inactive: add a current status note to the project folder before archiving.

    **Chase what excites you**. When you are captivated and obsessed by a story, an idea, or a new possibility, don't just let that moment pass as if it doesn't matter. Those are the moments that are truly precious, and that no technology can produce for you.

The Montessori Toddler: A Parent's Guide to Raising a Curious and Responsible Human Being

    **Absorbent mind**: children under 6 years old take in everything without effort, just as a sponge soaks up water.

    **Toddlers live in the present moment**
    **Toddlers are enormously capable.**
    **Toddlers are innocent**. I don't think any toddler has a mean bone in their body. If they see someone playing with a toy, they may simply think, I'd like to play with that toy right now and take it from the other child. They are simply impulsive, following their every urge.
    **Toddlers are also amazingly forgiving.**
    **Toddlers are authentic**. I love spending time with toddlers because they are direct and honest.
    **Toddlers need to say "no."** One of the most important developmental phases a toddler passes through is the "crisis of self-affirmation." Between 18 months and 3 years, children realize that their identity is separate from their parents' and they begin to desire more autonomy. At the same time they begin to say "no," they begin to use the personal pronoun I.

    **Toddlers need to move**. Just as an animal does not like to be caged, our toddlers will not sit still for long. They want to keep mastering movement.

    **Toddlers need to explore** and discover the world around them.

    **Toddlers need freedom**. This freedom will help them grow to be curious learners, to experience things for themselves, to make discoveries

    **Toddlers need limits**. These limits will keep them safe, teach them to respect others and their environment

    **Toddlers need order and consistency**. Toddlers prefer things to be exactly the same every day-the same routine, things in the same place, and the same rules.

    **Toddlers are impulsive**. Their prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that houses our self-control and decision-making centers) is still developing (and will be for another twenty years).

    **Toddlers need time** to process what we are saying. Instead of repeatedly telling our child to put on their shoes, we can count to ten in our head to allow them time to process our request.

    **Toddlers need to communicate**. Our children try to communicate with us in many ways.

    **Toddlers love mastery**. Toddlers love to repeat skills until they master them. Observe them and notice what they are working to master.

    **Toddlers like to contribute and be part of the family**. They seem to be more interested in the objects their parents use than they are in their toys.

    Some Montessori principles:
        **Prepared environment** I set up activities that are just the right level for the children-challenging to master but not so difficult that they will give up.

        **Natural desire to learn** children have an intrinsic motivation to learn.

        **Hands-on, concrete learning**: The materials in a Montessori classroom are so beautifully prepared and attractive that the child is drawn to them to make discoveries for themselves, with their hands.

        **Freedom and limits**: children to live by to learn respect and responsibility for themselves, others, and the environment around them. Within these limits, children have freedom of choice, of movement, and of will.
        **Sensitive periods** When a child shows a particular interest in one area-for example, movement, language, math, reading-it is known as a sensitive period. This describes a moment when the child is particularly attuned to learning a certain skill or concept

    Sensitive periods for toddlers
        **LANGUAGE** A sensitive period for spoken language. They watch our mouth, they babble, they start parroting what we say.
        **ORDER** Toddlers love order. Use routines so the child knows what to expect next. Have "a place for everything and everything in its place."
        **TINY DETAIL** From 18 months to 3 years, the child is attracted to the smallest objects and the minutest detail. Provide exquisite details in the home: art, flowers, handmade crafts.
        **MOVEMENT** The young toddler acquires gross- and fine-motor movement
        **SENSORIAL** Toddlers are fascinated by color, taste, smells, touch, and sounds through exploration.
        **EXPLORATION** exploration of the environment. The older toddler begins to classify and organize these impressions. Give access to a rich indoor and outdoor environment to be explored with al the senses. Provide time to explore freely. Make discoveries together.

    **Unconscious absorbent mind** From birth until about the age of 6, children take in information effortlessly.

    **Independence and responsibility** children learn to become remarkably independent. Children want to be able to do more, to contribute, to be a part of the family/classroom/ society. Through independence the child learns how to be responsible for caring for themselves, others, and the environment.

    **Respect**: Montessori teacher will have such respect for the child that they will treat them the same way they would an adult. They ask permission if they need to touch them

    **Observation**: helps us see what they are interested in, what they are working to master, when there is a developmental change, and, on occasion, when to step in to set a limit or to provide a little help before stepping out again.

    Montessori activities are based on developing the whole child.

    THE WHOLE CHILD: Toddlers' needs consist of using their hands in various ways:
        Eye-hand coordination
        Music and movement
        Practical life (activities of daily life)
        Arts and crafts
        Language

    Montessori activities usually **target one skill**. For example, putting a ball into a box through a small hole allows the child to master this one skill. This differs from many traditional plastic toys that target multiple skills at the same time, with one part for pushing, one part where a ball drops, another part that makes a noise, and so on.

    prefer to use **natural materials**.

    Completing an activity is important for their sense of mastery. A child can become frustrated if, for example, a piece of a puzzle is missing. If any pieces are missing, we remove the whole activity.

    Children gain **mastery of an activity through repetition**.

    Activity should be exactly at their level-challenging enough that it is not too easy yet not so difficult that they give up.

    A child has the freedom to choose an activity. Let them choose the activity they are interested in and try it for as long as they can without interfering. Even if they drop something, we can sit on our hands to see if they will react and pick it up themselves. When we see that they are struggling and getting frustrated, we can step in and say, "Watch," and then show them, slowly, for example, how to turn the lid of the jar.

    Tips for showing an activity to the child: Make precise, slow hand movements so the child can observe clearly. **Avoid talking** as we demonstrate-otherwise the child won't know whether to look at us while we talk or watch our hands. Try to show them the same way each time to make it easier for them to pick up

    **Don't interrupt our child's deep focus.**

    **Avoid quizzing the child** We may not realize we are doing it, but we are constantly quizzing our children. "What color is this?" "How many apples am I holding?" "Can you show Grandma how you can walk?" This prompting is a kind of test for a child. And there is generally only one correct answer, so if the answer they give is wrong, we have no other option than to say, "No, that flower is yellow, not blue." **Not exactly great for building a child's confidence.**

    if the child is using the objects inappropriately, we may gently step in. For example, "I can't let you bang that glass on the window." We could then **show them that the glasses are for drinking or show them an activity that allows them to use that skill**, for example, banging a drum or doing a small hammer-and-nail activity.

    Modify to meet their level We may be able to modify an activity to make it easier or more difficult.

    We can **provide many movement opportunities** for our children:, running, jumping, skipping, hopping, brachiating (swinging like a monkey), biking, climbing, sliding, balancing, kicking and throwing balls

    **Focus on the process, not the result**. When the child helps, the task will take longer and the result may not look perfect, but the child is learning to master these skills and will become a lifelong helper at home.

    For toddlers, arts and crafts activities are about self-expression, movement, and experiencing different materials. The process takes precedence over the product.

    **Try not to be prescriptive**. Rather than showing a child what to make with the art materials, we show them how to use the materials and leave the experimentation up to them.

    rather than tell the child their artwork is "good" we like to leave it up to the child to decide if they like what they have made. Ask, "Would you like to tell me about your painting?" rather than "What is it?"

    Include a few well-selected toys for open-ended play at home:Duplo/Lego, wooden blocks, construction vehicles, emergency vehicles, farm vehicles, barn and farm animals, Playmobil sets based on daily life (rather than fantasy, like princesses or pirates), a wooden marble run, loose parts collected from nature adventures, construction sets, train sets, board games

    advise against replicating the Montessori materials at home so that they will stay engaged at school.

    Eight tips for setting up your home
        **Child-sized**. Find furniture that the child can manage without help. Look for chairs and tables that are the right height
        **Beauty in the space**. Display art and plants at the child's height for them to enjoy.
        **Independence**. Have activities and materials set up in trays and baskets so they have everything they need at the ready;
        **Attractive activities**. Have age-appropriate activities beautifully arranged on shelves-rather
        **Less is more**. Displaying only a few activities helps the child's concentration;
        **A place for everything and everything in its place**. Toddlers have a particularly strong sense of order.
        **See the space through their eyes**.
        **Store and rotate**. Create storage that ideally is out of children's sight and easy on the eye-think

    Entrance: Low hooks at the child's height: Basket or shelf for shoes: Kitchen, Low shelf, cupboard, trolley, or drawer with a small number of child-sized plates, cutlery,
    Child-sized cleaning materials:
    Eating area For snack time, children could use their low table and chair,

    Bedroom Floor mattress or toddler bed that the child can climb in and out of by themselves. If space allows, a small shelf with a few activities for them to quietly play with when they wake. Book basket or shelf. Full-length mirror-helps the child see their full body schema, and aids dressing. A small wardrobe with shelves,

    **Starter set for montessori toddlers**: 1 small table and chair 2. low shelf 3. bookshelf/book box 4. low bed/floor mattress child can get into themselves 5. low stool for reaching sink, toilet, and so on 6. low hooks with cleaning equipment 7. stepladder/learning tower for helping in the kitchen 8. low hooks for coat and bag by the entrance

    each time a child asked for help in her class and then set up a way the child would be able to help themselves the next time. So if the child asked for a tissue, a tissue box could be placed at the child's height;

    if they pulled out all the tissues, a small basket could hold a few tissues carefully folded, ready for use.

    we find ourselves saying "no"-for example, when our child is touching something dangerous or banging on glass-we can look for ways to set up the space to remove the temptation. We can cover an electrical outlet that is proving tempting, move furniture to block places we don't want them to explore, use child safety locks on a cupboard

    Encouraging curiosity in our child

        **Trust in the child** Dr. Montessori encourages us to trust that the child wants to learn and grow-and that the child intrinsically knows what they need to be working on to develop as they should. if we provide them with a rich environment to explore, we don't need to force them to learn or be worried if they are developing "differently" from their peers.

        **A rich learning environment**  we must provide a rich learning environment and time to explore it.

        **Time For children to develop** and follow their urge to discover, explore, and wonder, they need time. Time that is unscheduled. Time that is not rushed. Even times when they feel bored.

        **A safe and secure base** childproof our homes, or at least one area of it, so that our child can freely explore.

    seven principles to help them become curious human beings. 1. Follow the child-let them lead. 2. Encourage hands-on learning-let them explore. 3. Include the child in daily life-let them be included. 4. Go slow-let them set their own pace. 5. Help me to help myself-let them be independent and responsible. 6. Encourage creativity-let them wonder. 7. Observe-let them show us.

    If they break or spill things, we can have supplies at the ready for them to help clean it up.

    **Encourage creativity** "The more experience a child has with real purposeful activity and solving problems, the more useful, creative, and effective her imagination will become."

    **Look at the process, not the result**. Focus on our child's effort by describing their effort. "You made big circles." "I see you mixed these two colors." • Show our child that there are no mistakes in this work. We can experiment and learn when things don't turn out the way we expected.


    **We do not encourage fantasy in children under 6 years old** (rather, we focus on the concrete world around them).

    Imagination is different from fantasy Fantasy means making up something that does not exist in reality. Children under 6 don't easily perceive the difference between something that is made up and something that is real.


    **Observation** Observing is seeing or perceiving without any judgment or analysis.

    "I can't let you hurt me/I can't let you speak to me that way/I cannot let you hurt yourself. But I see something important is going on, and I am trying to understand."

    **Give our child feedback -instead of praise**: to Stop Saying ‘Good Job!'"

        1. **Describe what we see** Focus on the process rather than the product and describe what our child has done. Give feedback by using positive and factual descriptions of the child's actions and accomplishments. "You took your plate to the kitchen." "You look really pleased with yourself."

        2. **Sum it up with a word** "You packed your bag and are ready to go to the beach. Now, that's what I call independence!" "You helped your grandma with her bag. Now, that's what I call being thoughtful."

    As the adults in their lives, we need to **be careful about labeling our children**. We likely have someone in our life who has been labeled "the clown," "the shy one," "the naughty one." Even positive labels can be difficult to always live up to (e.g., "the clever one," "the athletic one"). These labels can last a lifetime-something the child never grows out of. Instead, we can give them another view of themselves. Recall stories with them of times when they have been successful in difficult areas. Let them overhear us tell someone how they worked hard to overcome an obstacle. For example, we can say, "I liked watching you carry that glass so carefully to the table with two hands," to a child who might otherwise be labeled clumsy.

    **Threats, bribes, and punishments are extrinsic motivations**. The child may cooperate to avoid a punishment or to get a sticker or some ice cream. But that kind of discipline rarely has a long-term effect. It is a quick fix, if it works at all. It can also be a distraction from the issue at hand. I

    When we threaten a child with punishment like a time-out, we begin to erode the trust between parent and child. Two things can happen. They can become scared of the adult and cooperate out of fear, or they find a way to do what they want sneakily, without their parent finding out.

    Similarly, threats and bribes may get the child to cooperate, but not because the child wants to help us. They simply want to avoid the negative consequences (punishment) or take advantage of the positive ones (rewards).

    Threats and bribes may need to get bigger and more elaborate as the child grows.

    Each time we are challenged by our child, we can see it as a teaching opportunity for us and a learning opportunity for them.

    **Cultivating cooperation involves**:, problem solving with our toddler, involving the child, talking in a way that helps them listen, managing our expectations, a little bonus

    start by finding a way to work with the child so **they feel like they have some control over the situation**. Even though they are small, toddlers want to be involved in how things happen. The child is not in charge, but they can have input into how to solve problems. We can ask, "How can we solve the problem?" and then come up with solutions together.

    Give age-appropriate choices We can offer our toddler choices to encourage cooperation. Not big decisions like where they will go to school, but age-appropriate choices, like which color T-shirt they would like to wear (out of two seasonally appropriate options); or when they are heading to the bath,

    This gives the toddler a sense of control over the situation and involves them in the process.

    Give them information Rather than issuing commands-"Put the orange peel in the bin, please"-we can give information instead: "The orange peel goes in the bin." Then they can figure out for themselves that they need to take it to the bin.

    Use one word Sometimes we use too many words to give instructions to our children. "We are going to the park. We'll need to get our shoes. Our shoes protect our feet. It's good to put them on. Where

    Try **using just one word**. "Shoes."

    Get their agreement Getting our child on board and letting them feel like they're part of the process will help with gaining their cooperation.

    **Use positive language** Instead of telling a child what not to do, we can tell them with positive language what they can do instead. Rather than, "No running" (what they should not do), we can say, "We walk inside" (what we would like them to do).

    Our tone of voice is a way to show our toddlers that we respect them.

    Say "yes" If we are saying "no" a hundred times a day, our child will gradually begin to ignore it altogether. It is best to reserve "no" for times when their safety is a concern. Instead of saying "no" to set a limit, we can generally find an alternative way to express what we want to say by actually agreeing with them and saying "yes."

    Say a toddler wants another cracker but they

    Say a toddler wants another cracker but they haven't finished their first one. We could say in a gentle tone, "Yes, you can have another cracker . . . when you have finished this one."

    Use humor Children respond well to humor, and it is a lighthearted way to encourage cooperation.

    Humor is particularly useful when we are on the verge of losing our temper. Something as simple as singing a silly song can relieve some tension for us and coax a smile from them.

    Show them Sometimes we might need to actually get up to show them what they need to do rather than repeating ourselves from the other side of the room.

    **Keep a daily rhythm** Do not underestimate how much a toddler likes having the same rhythm every day.

    Write a note Most toddlers can't read yet, but notes can still be very powerful. We can write a note that says "No climbing" and place it on the table. Then we can point to the note and say, "It says, ‘No climbing.'"

    Sometimes we need to set limits. To keep them safe. To show them how to be respectful.

    **Write rules down**: How many of us already have some ground rules in our home? Maybe stuck on the fridge? Maybe a list of family values framed on the living room wall?

    Examples of ground/house rules
        We are kind to each other.
        We sit at the (dining) table to eat.
        We contribute to the household.
        We engage in rough play by mutual consent.

    Express the limit clearly I feel most comfortable setting limits with language like "I can't let you . . ." i.e."I can't let you hit that child. I'm going to separate you."

    They will probably be unhappy about a limit being set, so we acknowledge their feelings and see things from their perspective.

    **Toddlers thrive on regular rhythm**. They like the predictability of knowing what is happening now and what is coming next. It provides them with a feeling of safety and security. Follow the same pattern every day.

    At special moments during the year we may wish to make some rituals around events such as: • birthdays • holidays • seasons-seasonal crafts, food, outings • annual vacations

    Rituals in our family's life can be used to mark moments and establish memories.

    it!"-look for easy clothing they can manage themselves or with little assistance.

    Good choices: shorts and trousers with elastic waists

    T-shirts with large openings for their head

    shoes with Velcro openings or buckles-easier

    Share by taking turns Instead of asking the child to share their activity with someone else, in Montessori schools the ground rule is that we share by taking turns. We have only one of each activity; a child can work as long as they like with it (to allow repetition, concentration, and mastery); and children learn to wait their turn, a useful skill.

    Allow them to resolve low-level disputes as much as possible by themselves.

    **Learning how to interrupt an adult**: if she was in the middle of giving a lesson to another child and they had something they needed to tell her, they should put their hand on her shoulder. This would tell her that they had something important to say.

    Avoid using labels like shy.

    toddlers have an absorbent mind and are in a sensitive period for language acquisition, it is a wonderful time to expose them to more than one language.
        **One Person, One Language (OPOL) approach**. Each parent chooses their mother tongue when speaking with the child, while the family uses one agreed-upon "family language."

        **Domains of Use**. This is where we have agreed-upon times or places when we use certain languages. For example, on the weekends the family chooses to speak English; out of the home they choose to speak the local language; and at home they speak the parents' mother tongues.

    When I wake up before the rest of the family, I use the time in the following ways: • I lie in my bed to meditate-it's impossible to be bad at it. Some days I notice my mind is super active, and other days I manage to focus on my breath for longer.

    spend five minutes writing: - things I am grateful for and appreciate. - a few things that would make the day amazing (things I actually have control over and that can be as simple as having a cup of coffee or sitting outside on the steps). - my intention for the day (for example, to choose ease, to listen to others, or to focus on love and connection).

    At the end of the day, I take a bath and read a book. I write down three amazing things that happened and an intention for the next day.

    I do this before I read the news or check social media.

    Focus on doing one task at a time.

    remove our judgment of the situation,

    my role as a parent is not to rush in to solve every problem for my children. Rather, we can be there to support them, be their sounding board, or be their safe place to release whatever frustrations they have had in their day.

    Our children learn more from watching us than from us telling them how to behave. So we want to model honesty with our children.

    Just as we take ownership of our choices, we need to own our mistakes as well.

    We need to recognize when our limits are about to be tested and find a way to assert our limits-with kindness and clarity. If we let a situation build up, and we get irritated, it is almost impossible to calmly step in and provide clear guidance.

    When we find ourselves being triggered, we can observe ourselves. Are we taking on our child's problem? Is it bringing up something that we don't like about ourselves?

Awareness: The Perils and Opportunities of Reality
    We don't want to be happy.

    "Every time a prostitute comes to me, she's talking about nothing but God. She says I'm sick of this life that I'm living. I want God. But every time a priest comes to me he's talking about nothing but sex."

    When you fight something, you're tied to it forever. As long as you're fighting it, you are giving it power. You give it as much power as you are using to fight it.

    **You must "receive" your demons**, because when you fight them, you empower them.

    The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don't renounce it,see through it.

    **Challenge your beliefs and the belief system that makes you unhappy**. All I can do for you is help you to unlearn. That's what learning is all about where spirituality is concerned: unlearning, unlearning almost everything you've been taught. A willingness to unlearn, to listen.


    There are **two types of selfishness**.
        The first type is the one where I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself. That's what we generally call self-centeredness.
        The second is when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others. That would be a more refined kind of selfishness.

    the second one is hidden, very hidden, and for that reason more dangerous, because we get to feel that we're really great. But maybe we're not all that great after all.

    First, when I do something, or rather, when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing myself; second, when I give myself the pleasure of pleasing others. Don't take pride in that. Don't think you're a great person. You're a very ordinary person, but you've got refined tastes.

    the third type, which is the worst: when you do something good so that you won't get a bad feeling.

    It doesn't give you a good feeling to do it; it gives you a bad feeling to do it. You hate it.

    Can you imagine how liberating it is that you'll never be disillusioned again, never be disappointed again? You'll never feel let down again. Never feel rejected. Want to wake up? You want happiness? You want freedom? Here it is: **Drop your false ideas. See through people.**

    The only way someone can be of help to you is in challenging your ideas.

    **self-observation**. What's that? It means to watch everything in you and around you as far as possible and watch it as if it were happening to someone else. It means that you do not personalize what is happening to you.

    The reason you suffer from your depression and your anxieties is that you identify with them.

    The great Socrates said, "The unaware life is not worth living." That's a self-evident truth. Most people don't live aware lives. They live mechanical lives, mechanical thoughts—generally somebody else's—mechanical emotions, mechanical actions, mechanical reactions.

    "My, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing." You feel good hearing that. For a shirt, for heaven's sake! You feel proud of yourself when you hear that.

    "What a lovely place, these lovely trees" (for which I'm not responsible at all) I'm not responsible for those trees; I wasn't responsible for choosing the location. I didn't order the weather; it just happened. But "me" got in there, so I'm feeling good. I'm feeling good about "my" culture and "my" nation. How stupid can you get?

    "That country of yours and its poverty—it's disgusting." I feel ashamed. But I didn't create it.

    How many people do you know who are **unaffected by praise or blame**? That isn't human, we say. Human means that you have to be a little monkey, so everybody can twist your tail, and you do whatever you ought to be doing.

    As long as you live to **fulfill other people's expectations**, you better watch what you wear, how you comb your hair, whether your shoes are polished—in short, whether you live up to every damned expectation of theirs. Do you call that human?

    You had a problem, now you exchange it for another one. It's always going to be that way until we solve the problem called "you."

    it's precisely the ones who don't know what to do with this life who are all hot and bothered about what they are going to do with another life.

    One sign that you're awakened is that you don't give a damn about what's going to happen in the next life.

    We spend so much of our lives reacting to labels, our own and others'. We identify the labels with the "I." Catholic and Protestant are frequent labels.

    watch yourself. When you talk to someone, are you aware of it or are you simply identifying with it?

    To watch everything inside of you and outside, and when there is something happening to you, to see it as if it were happening to someone else, with no comment, no judgment, no attitude, no interference, no attempt to change, only to understand.

    That's the danger. To my mind this is what Jesus was evidently calling us to—first things first! The human being is much more important than the Sabbath. Doing

    "**self-observation**." Be aware of what you're saying, be aware of what you're doing, be aware of what you're thinking, be aware of how you're acting. Be aware of where you're coming from, what your motives are. The unaware life is not worth living.

    People go through life with **fixed ideas**; they never change. They're just not aware of what's going on. They might as well be a block of wood, or a rock, a talking, walking, thinking machine.

    I'd be talking to you and at the same time I'd be out there watching you and watching me. When I'm listening to you, it's infinitely more important for me to listen to me than to listen to you.

    I'll be reacting to you in all kinds of ways from my insecurities, from my need to manipulate you, from my desire to succeed, from irritations and feelings that I might not be aware of. So it's frightfully important that I listen to me when I'm listening to you.

    "**Don't seek the truth**; just drop your opinions." Drop your theories; don't seek the truth. Truth isn't something you search for.

    If I change my profession tomorrow, it's just like changing my clothes. I am untouched. Are you your clothes? Are you your name? Are you your profession? Stop identifying with them. They come and go.

    **Happiness is our natural state**. Happiness is the natural state of little children, to whom the kingdom belongs until they have been polluted and contaminated by the stupidity of society and culture.

    Put this program into action, a thousand times:
        (a) identify the negative feelings in you;
        (b) understand that they are in you, not in the world, not in external reality;
        (c) do not see them as an essential part of "I"; these things come and go;
        (d) understand that when you change, everything changes.

    You are responsible for the negative feeling, not the other person.

    I'm a dictator, you're a dictator. I want to run your life for you; I want to tell you exactly how you're expected to be and how you're expected to behave, and you'd better behave as I have decided or I shall punish myself by having negative feelings.

    So begin to be aware of your present condition whatever that condition is. Stop being a dictator. Stop trying to push yourself somewhere. Then someday you will understand that simply by awareness you have already attained what you were pushing yourself toward.

    In your pursuit of awareness, don't make demands. It's more like obeying the traffic rules.

    As you identify less and less with the "I," you will be more at ease with everybody and with everything. Do you know why? Because you are no longer afraid of being hurt or not liked. You no longer desire to impress anyone.

    Nobody was mean to you. Somebody was mean to what he or she thought was you, but not to you. Nobody ever rejects you; they're only rejecting what they think you are. But that cuts both ways. Nobody ever accepts you either. **Until people come awake, they are simply accepting or rejecting their image of you**.

    When we look at a person, we really don't see that person, we only think we do. What **we're seeing is something that we fixed in our mind**. We get an impression and we hold on to that impression, and we keep looking at a person through that impression. And we do this with almost everything.

    What leads to growth is painful experiences. Suffering points up an area in you where you have not yet grown, where you need to grow and be transformed and change.

    don't suppress desire, understand it. Understand it. Don't seek to fulfill desire so much as to understand desire.

    We have a natural urge to be free, a natural urge to love, but not to be loved.

    Another illusion: You are all those labels that people have put on you, or that you have put on yourself. You're not, you're not!
Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals
    **Productivity is a trap**. Becoming more efficient just makes you more rushed, and trying to clear the decks simply makes them fill up again faster.

    **The day will never arrive when you finally have everything under control**-when the flood of emails has been contained; when your to-do lists have stopped getting longer; when you're meeting all your obligations at work and in your home life.

    **Farmer's work is infinite** there will always be another milking and another harvest, forever, so there's no sense in racing toward some hypothetical moment of completion.

    **Once time is a resource to be used**, you start to feel pressure, whether from external forces or from yourself, to use it well, and to berate yourself when you feel you've wasted it.

    We push ourselves harder, chasing fantasies of the perfect work-life balance; or we implement time management systems that promise to make time for everything, so that tough choices won't be required.

    **limit-embracing attitude to time** means organizing your days with the understanding that you definitely won't have time for everything you want to do, or that other people want you to do-and

    Every decision to use a portion of time on anything represents the **sacrifice of all the other ways in which you could have spent that time**, but didn't and to willingly make that sacrifice is to take a stand, without reservation, on what matters most to you.

    So long as you continue to respond to impossible demands on your time by trying to persuade yourself that you might one day find some way to do the impossible, you're implicitly collaborating with those demands. Whereas once you deeply grasp that they are impossible, you'll be newly empowered to resist them, and to focus instead on building the most meaningful life you can, in whatever situation you're in.

    **efficiency trap** Rendering yourself more efficient-either by implementing various productivity techniques or by driving yourself harder-won't generally result in the feeling of having "enough time," because, all else being equal, the demands will increase to offset any benefits. Far from getting things done, you'll be creating new things to do.

    Once you stop investing in the idea that you might one day achieve peace of mind that way, it becomes easier to **find peace of mind in the present**, in the midst of overwhelming demands, because you're no longer making your peace of mind dependent on dealing with all the demands. Once you stop believing that it might somehow be possible to avoid hard choices about time, it gets easier to make better ones.

    When there's too much to do, and there always will be, the only route to psychological freedom is to let go of the limit-denying fantasy of getting it all done and instead to focus on doing a few things that count.

    You find yourself pitched straight back into the efficiency trap. The more wonderful experiences you succeed in having, the more additional wonderful experiences you start to feel you could have, or ought to have, on top of all those you've already had, with the result that the feeling of existential overwhelm gets worse.

    The internet makes this all much more agonizing, because it promises to help you make better use of your time, while simultaneously exposing you to vastly more potential uses for your time-so

    The technologies we use to try to "get on top of everything" always fail us, in the end, because **they increase the size of the "everything"** of which we're trying to get on top.

    The more efficient you get, the more you become "a limitless reservoir for other people's expectations,".

    Focus on fully enjoying the tiny slice of experiences you actually do have time for

    The effect of convenience isn't just that a given activity starts to feel less valuable, but that **we stop engaging in certain valuable activities** altogether, in favor of more convenient ones. Because you can stay home, order food on Seamless, and watch sitcoms on Netflix, you find yourself doing so-though you might be perfectly well aware that you'd have had a better time had you kept your appointment to meet friends in the city or tried to make an interesting new recipe.

    As convenience colonizes everyday life, activities gradually sort themselves into two types:
        The kind that are now far **more convenient, but that feel empty or out of sync with our true preferences**
        The kind that now seem **intensely annoying, because of how inconvenient they remain**.

    She moved with her husband and children to a farm. Each winter day begins by lighting the fire that will warm the farmhouse and provide heat for cooking.
        Her decision to make such a radical change arose from the recognition that she'd never manage to build a more meaningful life-which for her meant cultivating a more mindful relationship with her family's physical surroundings-by saving time and thereby squeezing more into her existing one.
        **To make time for what mattered, she needed to give things up**.Convenience culture seduces us into imagining that we might find room for everything important by eliminating only life's tedious tasks. But it's a lie. You have to choose a few things, sacrifice everything else, and deal with the inevitable sense of loss that results.

    How to decide most wisely what not to do, and how to feel at peace about not doing it.

    We need to learn to get better at procrastinating.


    Principle number one is to **pay yourself first when it comes to time**.

        Two venerable pieces of time management advice: to work on your most important project for the first hour of each day, and to protect your time by scheduling "meetings" with yourself, marking them in your calendar so that other commitments can't intrude.

        **If you plan to spend some of your four thousand weeks doing what matters most to you, then at some point you're just going to have to start doing it.

    The second principle is to **limit your work in progress**. No more than three items.

    Social media sorts us into ever more hostile tribes, then rewards us, with likes and shares, for the most hyperbolic denunciations of the other side, fueling a vicious cycle that makes sane debate impossible.

    There's a "war for our attention," with Silicon Valley as the invading force. The reason it's hard to focus on a conversation with your spouse isn't that you're surreptitiously checking your phone beneath the dinner table. On the contrary, "surreptitiously checking your phone beneath the dinner table" is what you do because it's hard to focus on the conversation-because listening takes effort and patience and a spirit of surrender, and because what you hear might upset you, so checking your phone is naturally more pleasant. Even if you place your phone out of reach, therefore, you shouldn't be surprised to find yourself seeking some other way to avoid paying attention.

    The activities we try to plan for somehow actively resist our efforts to make them conform to our plans.

    The standard advice about planning-to give yourself twice as long as you think you'll need-could actually make matters worse.

        But if you allow yourself two hours, precisely because you know that you're usually overoptimistic, you may find it taking two and a half hours instead.

        The struggle for control over the future is a stark example of our refusal to acknowledge our built-in limitations when it comes to time, because it's a fight the worrier obviously won't win. You can never be truly certain about the future. And so your reach will always exceed your grasp.

    we never have time in the same sense that we have the cash in our wallets or the shoes on our feet.

    Any number of factors could confound your expectations, robbing you of the three hours you thought you "had"

    even if you do end up getting the full three hours, precisely in line with your expectations, you won't know this for sure until the point at which those hours have passed into history.

    the more you focus on using time well, the more each day begins to feel like something you have to get through, en route to some calmer, better, more fulfilling point in the future, which never actually arrives.

    As long as you believe that the real meaning of life lies somewhere off in the future-that one day all your efforts will pay off in a golden era of happiness, free of all problems-you get to avoid facing the unpalatable reality that your life isn't leading toward some moment of truth that hasn't yet arrived.

    the greatest future value out of our time blinds us to the reality that, in fact, the moment of truth is always now-that life is nothing but a succession of present moments, culminating in death, and that you'll probably never get to a point where you feel you have things in perfect working order.

    And that therefore you had better stop postponing the "real meaning" of your existence into the future, and throw yourself into life now.

    It begins to feel as though you're failing at life, in some indistinct way, if you're not treating your time off as an investment in your future.

    The regrettable consequence of justifying leisure only in terms of its usefulness for other things is that it begins to feel vaguely like a chore-in other words, like work in the worst sense of that word.

    Emptiness, which he would later come to understand as the result of living a project-driven life, crammed not with atelic activities but telic ones, the primary purpose of which was to have them done, and to have achieved certain outcomes.

    When they do find a morsel of time, and use it to try to read, they find they're too impatient to give themselves over to the task.

    **One is actually inclined to interruption.** It's not so much that we're too busy, or too distractible, but that we're unwilling to accept the truth that reading is the sort of activity that largely operates according to its own schedule. You can't hurry it very much before the experience begins to lose its meaning;

    Patience becomes a form of power.

    As with money, it's good to have plenty of time, all else being equal. But having all the time in the world isn't much use if you're forced to experience it all on your own.

    having large amounts of time but no opportunity to use it collaboratively isn't just useless but actively unpleasant

    A person with a flexible schedule and average resources will be happier than a rich person who has everything except a flexible schedule.

    **Value of time** comes not from the sheer quantity you have, but from **whether you're in sync with the people you care about most.**

    It's **harder than ever to find time for a leisurely family dinner**, a spontaneous visit to friends, or any collective project-nurturing a community garden, playing in an amateur rock band-that takes place in a setting other than the workplace.

    Totalitarian movements are mass organizations of atomized, isolated individuals.

    You can make the kinds of commitments that **remove flexibility from your schedule in exchange for the rewards of community**, by joining amateur choirs or sports teams, campaign groups or religious organizations. You can prioritize activities in the physical world over those in the digital one, where even collaborative activity ends up feeling curiously isolating.

    let the rhythms of family life and friendships and collective action take precedence over your perfect morning routine or your system for scheduling your week. You can grasp the truth that power over your time isn't something best hoarded entirely for yourself: that your time can be too much your own.

    What would it mean to spend the only time you ever get in a way that truly feels as though you are making it count?

    You almost certainly won't put a dent in the universe.

    You usually know, intuitively, whether remaining in a relationship or job would present the kind of challenges that will help you grow as a person (enlargement) or the kind that will cause your soul to shrivel with every passing week (diminishment). **Choose uncomfortable enlargement over comfortable diminishment whenever you can.**

    no one really cares what we're doing with our life.

    It's alarming to face the prospect that **you might never truly feel as though you know what you're doing**, in work, marriage, parenting, or anything else. But it's liberating, too, because it removes a central reason for feeling self-conscious or inhibited about your performance in those domains in the present moment:

    Oh, when the apocalypse comes... What are you talking about? It's here. **The world is already broken**. And what's true of the state of civilization is equally true of your life: it was always already the case that you would never experience a life of perfect accomplishment or security. Arctic ice is already melting. The pandemic has already killed millions, thousands of species are already gone.


The Art of Thinking Clearly

    The book provides an overview of multiple biases that we suffer.
    **Survivorship bias** because triumph is made more visible than failure, you systematically overestimate your chances of succeeding. People systematically overestimate their chances of success. Guard against it by frequently visiting the graves of once-promising projects, investments, and careers. It is a sad walk but one that should clear your mind.

    **Swimmer's body illusion** The factor for selection confused with the result.

    **Clustering illusion**: When it comes to pattern recognition, we are oversensitive. Regain your skepticism. If you think you have discovered a pattern, first consider it pure chance. If it seems too good to be true, find a mathematician and have the data tested statistically.

    **Social proof** Individuals feel they are behaving correctly when they act the same as other people.

    **Sunk cost fallacy** "We've come this far", "I've read so much of this book already..." "But I've spent two years doing this course..."
        If you recognize any of these thought patterns, it shows that the sunk cost fallacy is at work in a corner of your brain.
        there may be good reasons to continue investing in something to finalize it. But beware of doing so for the wrong reasons, such as to justify non-recoverable investments. Rational decision making requires you to forget about the costs incurred to date. No matter how much you have already invested, only your assessment of the future costs and benefits counts.

    **Confirmation bias** The tendency to interpret new information so that it becomes compatible with our existing theories, beliefs, and convictions. In other words, we filter out any new information that contradicts our existing views ("disconfirming evidence"). Whether you go through life believing that "people are inherently good" or "people are inherently bad," you will find daily proof to support your case.

    **Authority bias**: Is the tendency to attribute greater accuracy to the opinion of an authority figure (unrelated to its content) and be more influenced by that opinion.

    **Contrast effect**: We judge something to be beautiful, expensive, or large if we have something ugly, cheap, or small in front of us. We have difficulty with absolute judgments. The contrast effect is a common misconception. You order leather seats for your new car because, compared to the $60,000 price tag on the car, $3,000 seems a pittance. All industries that offer upgrade options exploit this illusion. A product that has been reduced from $100 to $70 seems a better value than a product that has always cost $70.

    **Availability bias**: We create a picture of the world using the examples that most easily come to mind. This is idiotic, of course, because in reality, things don't happen more frequently just because we can conceive of them more easily. The chances of bomb attacks are much rarer than we think, and the chances of suffering depression are much higher. We attach too much likelihood to spectacular, flashy, or loud outcomes. Anything silent or invisible we downgrade in our minds. We think dramatically, not quantitatively. We prefer wrong information to no information. Thus, the availability bias has presented the banks with billions in losses.

    **It'll Get Worse Before It Gets Better Fallacy**:  If the problem continues to worsen, the prediction is confirmed. If the situation improves unexpectedly, the customer is happy, and the expert can attribute it to his prowess. Either way he wins.

    **Story bias**: people first used stories to explain the world, before they began to think scientifically, making mythology older than philosophy. This has led to the story bias. Advertisers have learned to capitalize on this, too. Instead of focusing on an item's benefits, they create a story around it. Objectively narratives are irrelevant. But still we find them irresistible. Which one would you remember better? (a) "The king died, and the queen died." (b) "The king died, and the queen died of grief." Most people will retain the second story more easily.

    **Hindsight bias**: In retrospect, everything seems clear and inevitable. it makes us believe we are better predictors than we actually are, causing us to be arrogant about our knowledge and consequently to take too much risk. overconfidence effect also applies to forecasts, such as stock market performance over a year or your firm's profits over three years. We systematically overestimate our knowledge and our ability to predict-on a massive scale. it measures the difference between what people really know and what they think they know. Experts suffer even more from the overconfidence effect than laypeople do.

    **The illusion of control** is the tendency to believe that we can influence something over which we have absolutely no sway. "door-open" and "door-close" buttons in elevators: Many are not even connected to the electrical panel.

    **incentive super-response tendency**" People respond to incentives by doing what is in their best interests. people respond to the incentives themselves, and not the grander intentions behind them" "Never ask a barber if you need a haircut." If a person's or an organization's behavior confounds you, ask yourself what incentive might lie behind it.

    **Regression-to-mean**: When you hear stories such as: "I was sick, went to the doctor, and got better a few days later" or "the company had a bad year, so we got a consultant in, and now the results are back to normal," look out for our old friend, the regression-to-mean error.

    The monkey story illustrates the **outcome bias**: We tend to evaluate decisions based on the result rather than on the decision process. This fallacy is also known as the "historian error." one million monkeys speculate on the stock market. After one week, about half of the monkeys will have made a profit and the other half a loss. After twenty weeks, just one monkey will remain-this one always, without fail, chose the right stocks and is now a billionaire. Let's call him the success monkey. How does the media react? It will pounce on this animal to understand its "success principles." And they will find some: The samples are too small, rendering the results meaningless. Never judge a decision purely by its result, especially when randomness and "external factors" play a role. A bad result does not automatically indicate a bad decision and vice versa.

    **paradox of choice**: selection is the yardstick of progress. It is what sets us apart from planned economies and the Stone Age. Yes, abundance makes you giddy, but there is a limit. When it is exceeded, a surfeit of choices destroys quality of life. The technical term for this is the paradox of choice. a broader selection leads to poorer decisions. In the past, a young man from a village of average size could choose among maybe twenty girls of similar age with whom he went to school. He knew their families and vice versa, leading to a decision based on several well-known attributes. Nowadays, in the era of online dating, millions of potential partners are at our disposal. It has been proven that the stress caused by this mind-boggling variety is so large that the male brain reduces the decision to one single criterion: physical attractiveness. The consequences of this selection process you already know-perhaps even from personal experience. realize that you can never make a perfect decision. Aiming for this is, given the flood of possibilities, a form of irrational perfectionism. Instead, learn to love a "good" choice.
    In this age of unlimited variety, rather the opposite is true: "Good enough" is the new optimum

    **Liking bias**: The more we like someone, the more inclined we are to buy from or help that person. We see people as pleasant, if (a) they are outwardly attractive, (b) they are similar to us in terms of origin, personality, or interests, and (c) they like us. Ugly people seem unfriendly and don't even make it into the background Mirroring is a standard technique in sales to get exactly this effect. Here, the salesperson tries to copy the gestures, language, and facial expressions of his prospective client.

    **Endowment effect**. We consider things to be more valuable the moment we own them. In other words, if we are selling something, we charge more for it than what we ourselves would be willing to spend. The endowment effect affects not only possession, but also near ownership. Auction houses like Christie's and Sotheby's thrive on this. A person who bids until the end of an auction gets the feeling that the object is practically theirs, thus increasing its value. The would-be owner is suddenly willing to pay much more than planned, and any withdrawal from the bidding is perceived as a loss-which defies all logic. If you are applying for a job and don't get a call back, you have every reason to be disappointed. However, if you make it to the final stages of the selection process and then receive the rejection, the disappointment can be much bigger-irrationally. Don't cling to things. Consider your property something that the "universe" (whatever you believe this to be) has bestowed to you temporarily.


    **Group thinking** each person is happy to be part of the group. Expressing reservations could mean exclusion from it. If you ever find yourself in a tight, unanimous group, you must speak your mind, even if your team does not like it. Question tacit assumptions, even if you risk expulsion from the warm nest.

    **neglect of probability**: we respond to the expected magnitude of an event (the size of the jackpot or the amount of electricity), but not to its likelihood. In other words: We lack an intuitive grasp of probability. The proper term for this is neglect of probability. **scarcity error**: base-rate neglect: a disregard of fundamental distribution levels. It is one of the most common errors in reasoning. Mark is a thin man from Germany with glasses who likes to listen to Mozart. Which is more likely? That (a) Mark is a truck driver or (b) he is a professor of literature in Frankfurt. Most will bet on B, which is wrong. Germany has ten thousand times more truck drivers than Frankfurt has literature professors. people believe in the "balancing force of the universe." This is the **gambler's fallacy**. With independent events, there is no harmonizing force at work: A ball cannot remember how many times it has landed on black. The gambler's fallacy leads us to believe that something must change. A coin is tossed fifty times, and each time it lands on heads. Again, with someone forcing you to bet, do you pick heads or tails? Purely independent events really only exist at the casino, in the lottery, and in theory. In real life, in the financial markets and in business, with the weather and your health, events are often interrelated.

    **Inductive thinking**, the inclination to draw universal certainties from individual observations. We imagine that we will not be randomly beaten up on the street. We expect that our hearts will still be beating tomorrow. These are confidences without which we could not live, but we must remember that certainties are always provisional. Induction seduces us and leads us to conclusions such as: "Mankind has always survived, so we will be able to tackle any future challenges, too." Sounds good in theory, but what we fail to realize is that such a statement can only come from a species that has lasted until now. To assume that our existence to date is an indication of our future survival is a serious flaw in reasoning. Probably the most serious of all. Evil is more powerful and more plentiful than good. We are more sensitive to negative than to positive things. On the street, scary faces stand out more than smiling ones. We remember bad behavior longer than good-except, of course, when it comes to ourselves.

    **Social loafing effect**. It occurs when individual performance is not directly visible; it blends into the group effort. Why invest all of your energy when half will do-especially when this little shortcut goes unnoticed? Social loafing does not occur solely in physical performance. We slack off mentally, too. For example, in meetings, the larger the team, the weaker our individual participation. In groups, we tend to hold back not only in terms of participation but also in terms of accountability. Nobody wants to take the rap for the misdeeds or poor decisions of the whole group. We hide behind team decisions. The technical term for this is "diffusion of responsibility."

    When it comes to growth rates, do not trust your intuition. You don't have any. Accept it. What really helps is a calculator or, with low growth rates, the magic number of 70. The winner's curse suggests that the winner of an auction often turns out to be the loser. The highest bid at an auction is often much too high. if Walmart plans to introduce a new detergent and asks for tenders from five suppliers, that's nothing more than an auction-with the risk of the winner's curse. When my walls needed a new lick of paint, instead of tracking down the handiest painter, I advertised the job online. Initial public offerings (IPOs) are also examples of auctions. The more interested parties, the greater the likelihood of an overly enthusiastic bid.

    **Fundamental attribution error**. This describes the tendency to overestimate individuals' influence and underestimate external, situational factors. We see this same pattern when companies announce good or bad results. All eyes shift to the CEO's office, even if we know the truth: Economic success depends far more on the overall economic climate and the industry's attractiveness than on brilliant leadership.

    **False causality**: "Employee Motivation Leads to Higher Corporate Profits." Does it? Maybe people are simply more motivated because the company is doing well. Educated parents tend to value their children's education more than uneducated ones do. Plus, educated parents often have more books at home. Students get better grades at school if their homes contain a lot of books. Correlation is not causality. Take a closer look at linked events: Sometimes what is presented as the cause turns out to be the effect, and vice versa. And sometimes there is no link at all-just

    The **halo effect** occurs when a single aspect dazzles us and affects how we see the full picture. The halo effect always works the same way: We take a simple-to-obtain or remarkable fact or detail, such as a company's financial situation, and extrapolate conclusions from there that are harder to nail down, such as the merit of its management or the feasibility of its strategy. Sticking with negative effects, the halo effect can lead to great injustice and even stereotyping when nationality, gender, or race becomes the all-encompassing feature.

    **Alternative paths** are all the outcomes that could have happened but did not. With the game of Russian roulette, four alternative paths would have led to the same result (winning the $10 million) and the fifth alternative to your death. A huge difference. In the case of the lawyer, the possible paths lie much more closely together. Alternative paths are invisible, so we contemplate them very rarely. Those who speculate on junk bonds, options, and credit default swaps, thus making millions, should never forget that they flirt with many alternative paths that lead straight to ruin. To

    **Conjunction Fallacy** is at play when such a subset seems larger than the entire set-which by definition cannot be the case. We are easy prey for the conjunction fallacy because we have an innate attraction to "harmonious" or "plausible" stories. The "Chris is thirty-five. What is more likely? (a) Chris works for a bank or (b) Chris works for a bank in New York, where his office is on the twenty-fourth floor, overlooking Central Park." What is more likely? (a) be on the lookout for convenient details and happy endings. Remember: If an additional condition has to be met, no matter how plausible it sounds, it will become less, not more, likely.

    **Framing** it's not what you say but how you say it. If a message is communicated in different ways, it will also be received in different ways. In psychologists' jargon, this technique is called framing. "Glossing" is a popular type of framing. Under its rules, a tumbling share price becomes a "correction." An overpaid acquisition price is branded "goodwill." In every management course, a problem magically transforms into an "opportunity" or a "challenge." A person who is fired is "reassessing his career." A fallen soldier-regardless of how much bad luck or stupidity led to his death-turns into a "war hero." Genocide translates to "ethnic cleansing."  the brochure illustrates the product's performance in recent years, going back just far enough for the nicest possible upward curve to emerge. This is also framing.

    **Action Bias**: Look active, even if it achieves nothing. The action bias is accentuated when a situation is new or unclear. When  a situation is unclear, hold back until you can assess your options. "All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone,". When our ancestors saw a silhouette appear at the edge of the forest-something tiger-they did not take a pew to muse over what it might be. They hit the road-and fast. We are the descendants of these quick responders.

    **Omission Bias**: Sitting passively on a bunch of miserable shares feels better than actively buying bad ones. The action bias causes us to offset a lack of clarity with futile hyperactivity and comes into play when a situation is fuzzy, muddy, or contradictory. The omission bias, on the other hand, usually abounds where the situation is intelligible: A future misfortune might be averted with direct action, but this insight doesn't motivate us as much as it should.

    **Self-Serving Bias**: We attribute success to ourselves and failures to external factors. This is the self-serving bias. If you make a profit, you applaud yourself. If your portfolio performs miserably, the blame lies exclusively with "the market" We attribute success to our own skill and ascribe failure to other factors? It's been shown that both men and women overestimate their contribution to the health of the marriage. Each assumes their input is more than 50 percent.

    **Hedonic Treadmill**: We work hard, advance, and are able to afford more and nicer things, and yet this doesn't make us any happier. make better, brighter decisions: (a) Avoid negative things that you cannot grow accustomed to, such as commuting, noise, or chronic stress. (b) Expect only short-term happiness from material things, such as cars, houses, lottery winnings, bonuses, and prizes. (c) Aim for as much free time and autonomy as possible since long-lasting positive effects generally come from what you actively do. Follow your passions even if you must forfeit a portion of your income for them. Invest in friendships.

    **Self-Selection Bias** The probability is high that a man will work in a mostly male industry. Ditto for women. On a grander scale: If you live in a country with a large proportion of men or women (such as China or Russia, respectively), you are likely to form part of the bigger group and accordingly feel hard done by.

    **Association Bias** Our brain is a connection machine. This is quite practical: If we eat an unknown fruit and feel sick afterward, we avoid it in future, labeling the plant poisonous or at least unpalatable. This is how knowledge comes to be. However, this method also creates false knowledge.

    **Beginner's Luck** **association bias**: creating a (false) link with the past. Casino players know this well; they call it beginner's luck. Beginner's luck can be devastating, so guard against misconceptions by treating your theories as a scientist would: Try to disprove them.

    **Cognitive Dissonance** Suppose you apply for a job and discover you have lost out to another candidate. Instead of admitting that the other person was better suited, you convince yourself that you didn't want the job in the first place; you simply wanted to test your "market value"

    **Hyperbolic Discounting** Put plainly: The closer a reward is, the higher our "emotional interest rate" rises and the more we are willing to give up in exchange for it.

    **Decision Fatigue** Making decisions is exhausting. Anyone who has ever configured a laptop online or researched a long trip-flight, hotels, activities, restaurants, weather-knows this well: After all the comparing, considering, and choosing, you are exhausted. Science calls this decision fatigue. Decision fatigue is perilous: As a consumer, you become more susceptible to advertising messages and impulse buys. Willpower is like a battery. After a while it runs out and needs to be recharged. How do you do this? By taking a break, relaxing, and eating something. Willpower plummets to zero if your blood sugar falls too low.

    **Contagion Bias** contagion bias describes how we are incapable of ignoring the connection we feel to certain items-be they from long ago or only indirectly related (as with the photos).

    **The Problem with Averages** A single outlier has radically altered the picture, rendering the term "average" completely meaningless. "Don't cross a river if it is (on average) four feet deep," In a complex world, distribution is becoming more and more irregular. the Bill Gates phenomenon in ever more domains. How many visits does an average website get? The answer is: There are no average websites. If someone uses the word "average," think twice. Try to work out the underlying distribution. If a single anomaly has almost no influence on the set, the concept is still worthwhile. However, when extreme cases dominate (such as the Bill Gates phenomenon), we should discount the term "average."

    **Motivation Crowding** Small-surprisingly small-monetary incentives crowd out other types of incentives. Money does not always motivate. in many cases, it does just the opposite. When people do something for well-meaning, nonmonetary reasons-out of the goodness of their hearts, so to speak-payments throw a wrench into the works. Financial reward erodes any other motivations. Financial incentives and performance bonuses work well in industries with generally uninspiring jobs-industries where employees aren't proud of the products or the companies Experience shows that young people are not for sale.

    **Will Rogers Phenomenon** be on special alert when they hear of rising averages in.

    **Information Bias**: the delusion that more information guarantees better decisions. Forget trying to amass all the data. Do your best to get by with the bare facts. It will help you make better decisions. Superfluous knowledge is worthless, whether you know it or not. "The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance-it is the illusion of knowledge."

    **Effort Justification** When you put a lot of energy into a task, you tend to overvalue the result. Effort justification is a special case of "cognitive dissonance." Groups use effort justification to bind members to them-for example, through initiation rites. Gangs and fraternities initiate new members A mild form of effort justification is the so-called IKEA effect. Furniture that we assemble ourselves seems more valuable than any expensive designer piece.

    **The Law of Small Numbers**: This is a perfect example of the law of small numbers. Start-ups tend to employ fewer people. Therefore the average IQs will fluctuate much more than those of large corporations, giving small (and new) businesses the highest and lowest scores.

    **Expectations** The "placebo effect" has been registered in one-third of all patients. Expectations alter the biochemistry of the brain and thus the whole body. Expectations are intangible, but their effect is quite real. Raise expectations for yourself and for the people you love. This increases motivation. At the same time, lower expectations for things you cannot control-for

    **Simple Logic** Rational consideration requires more willpower than simply giving in to intuition. In other words, intuitive people tend to scrutinize less.

    **Forer Effect** people with low CRT results tend to prefer a bird in the hand. They play it safe. After all, something is better than nothing. Those who score at least 2 or higher usually opt for the riskier option. They prefer the gamble. This is especially true for men. Forer effect explains why the pseudosciences work so well-astrology, the majority of statements in Forer's passage are so general that they relate to everyone: we tend to accept flattering statements that don't apply to us: feature-positive effect plays a part: The text contains no negative statements; it states only what we are, even though the absence of characteristics is an equally important part of a person's makeup. confirmation bias: We accept whatever corresponds to our self-image and unconsciously filter everything else out. What remains is a coherent portrait.

    **Volunteer's Folly** many volunteers engage in what might be deemed "personal happiness management," the benefits of which are sometimes far removed from the real cause.

    **Heuristic** We are the descendants of quick decision makers, and we rely on mental shortcuts called heuristics. One of the most popular is the affect heuristic. An affect is a momentary judgment: something you like or dislike. The word "gunfire" triggers a negative effect. The word "luxury" produces a positive one. This automatic, one-dimensional impulse prevents you from considering risks and benefits to be independent variables, which indeed they are. Instead, the affect heuristic puts risks and benefits on the same sensory thread.

    **Introspection Illusion** The belief that reflection leads to truth or accuracy is called the introspection illusion. Because we are so confident of our beliefs, we experience three reactions when someone fails to share our views. Response 1: Assumption of ignorance. The other party clearly lacks the necessary information. If he knew what you know, he would be of the same opinion. Political activists think this way: They believe they can win others over through enlightenment. Reaction 2: Assumption of idiocy. The other person has the necessary information, but his mind is underdeveloped. He cannot draw the obvious conclusions. In other words, he's a moron. This reaction is particularly popular with bureaucrats who want to protect "stupid" consumers from themselves. Response 3: Assumption of malice. Your counterpart has the necessary information-he even understands the debate-but he is deliberately confrontational. He has evil intentions. This is how many religious leaders and followers treat disbelievers: If they don't agree, they must be servants of the devil! In conclusion: Nothing is more convincing than your own beliefs.

    **Inability to Close Doors** Salespeople who chase every single lead close no deals. We must learn to close doors. A business strategy is primarily a statement on what not to engage in. Adopt a life strategy similar to a corporate strategy: Write down what not to pursue in your life. In other words, make calculated decisions to disregard certain possibilities and when an option shows up, test it against your not-to-pursue list. Most doors are not worth entering, even when the handle seems to turn so effortlessly.

    **New Neomania** Whatever has held its own throughout centuries of innovation will probably continue to do so in the future, too. Old technology has proven itself; it possesses an inherent logic even if we do not always understand it. If something has endured for epochs, it must be worth its salt. When contemplating the future, we place far too much emphasis on flavor-of-the-month inventions and the latest "killer apps" while underestimating the role of traditional technology.

    **Sleeper Effect** To date, the best explanation is that, in our memories, the source of the argument fades faster than the argument. Your brain quickly forgets where the information came from (e.g., from the Department of Propaganda). Meanwhile, the message itself (i.e., war is necessary and noble) fades only slowly or even endures. Therefore, any knowledge that stems from an untrustworthy source gains credibility over time. The discrediting force melts away faster than the message does. How can you thwart the sleeper effect? First, don't accept any unsolicited advice, even if it seems well meant. avoid ad-contaminated sources like the plague.

    **Alternative Blindness** We systematically forget to compare an existing offer with the next-best alternative. you ask your investment broker for advice. He proposes a bond that will earn you 5 percent interest. Does it make sense to buy the bond? We don't know. It's wrong to consider just these two options. To assess your options properly, you would have to compare the bond with all other investment options and then select the best. "That's much better than the 1 percent you get with your savings account," Certain death in five years or a 50 percent chance of dying next week. Alternative blindness! Perhaps there is a variant of the invasive surgery that your hospital doesn't offer but a hospital across town does. This invasive surgery might not remove the tumor altogether, just slow its growth, but is much safer and gives you an extra ten years.

    **Comparison Bias**: social comparison bias had kicked in-that is, the tendency to withhold assistance to people who might outdo you, even if you look like a fool in the long run. "A-players hire people even better than themselves. It's clear, though, that B-players hire C-players so they can feel superior to them, and C-players hire D-players. Start hiring B-players and you end up with Z-players. Recommendation: Hire people who are better than you,

    **Primacy and Recency Effects**: Your brain pays more attention to the first adjectives in the lists, causing you to identify two different personalities.

    **Not-Invented-Here Syndrome** (NIH syndrome), which fools us into thinking anything we create ourselves is unbeatable. NIH syndrome causes you to fall in love with your own ideas. This is valid not only for fish sauces, but for all kinds of solutions, business ideas, and inventions. Companies tend to rate homegrown ideas as far more important than those from outsiders, even if, objectively, this is not the case. We are drunk on our own ideas. To sober up, take a step back every now and then and examine their quality in hindsight.

    **The Black Swan** is an unthinkable event that massively affects your life, your career, your company, your country. There are positive and negative Black Swans.

    **Domain Dependence** Insights do not pass well from one field to another. presenter who is outstanding in front of small groups may well tank when his audience reaches one hundred people. I know CEOs who are charismatic leaders in the office and hopeless duds at home. It will be difficult to transfer the knowledge from these pages to your daily life. Even for me as the writer,

    **False-Consensus Effect**: We frequently overestimate unanimity with others, believing that everyone else thinks and feels exactly like we do. This fallacy is called the false-consensus effect. The false-consensus effect thrives in interest groups and political factions that consistently overrate the popularity of their causes. If people do not share our opinions, we categorize them as "abnormal." Do not assume that those who think differently are idiots. Before you distrust them, question your own assumptions.

    **Falsification of History**: It is safe to assume that half of what you remember is wrong. Our memories are riddled with inaccuracies, including the seemingly flawless flashbulb memories.

    **In-Group Out-Group Bias** First, groups often form based on minor, even trivial, criteria. With sports affiliations a random birthplace suffices, and in business it is where you work. You perceive people outside your own group to be more similar than they actually are. This is called the "out-group homogeneity bias." In science-fiction movies, only the humans have different cultures and the aliens do not? If you share half your genes with your siblings, you are naturally interested in their well-being. But there is such a thing as "pseudo-kinship." It evokes the same emotions without blood relationship. Such feelings can lead to the most idiotic cognitive error of all: laying down your life for a random group-also known as going to war. The goal of any military training is to forge soldiers together as "brothers." Identifying with a group has been a survival strategy for hundreds of thousands of years. Identifying with a group distorts your view of the facts.

    **Ambiguity Aversion** we favor known probabilities (box A) over unknown ones (box B). Risk means that the probabilities are known. Uncertainty means that the probabilities are unknown. On the basis of risk, you can decide whether or not to take a gamble. In the realm of uncertainty, though, it's much harder to make decisions. You can make calculations with risk, but not with uncertainty. The three-hundred-year-old science of risk is called statistics.

    **Default Effect**: most people cling to the standard options. Making donation the default option increased take-up from 40 percent to more than 80 percent of participants, a huge difference between an opt-in and an opt-out default. The default effect is at work even when no standard option is mentioned. In such cases, we make our past the default setting, People crave what they know. Given the choice of trying something new or sticking to the tried-and-tested option, we tend to be highly conservative, even if a change would be beneficial. Loss aversion plays a role.

    **Fear of Regret**: Regret is the feeling of having made the wrong decision. Whoever does not follow the crowd experiences more regret. After every plane crash, we hear the story of one unlucky person who actually wanted to fly a day earlier or later, but for some reason he changed his booking at the last minute. Since he is the exception, we feel more sympathy for him than for the other "normal" passengers

    **Salience Effect**: salience effect ensures that outstanding features receive much more attention than they deserve. Salience refers to a prominent feature, a stand-out attribute, a particularity, something that catches your eye. We always recall the undesirable exceptions-they are particularly salient. Therefore, whenever immigrants are involved, it is the striking, negative incidents that come to mind first. Two men rob a bank and are arrested shortly after. It transpires that they are Nigerian. Although no ethnic group is responsible for a disproportionate number of bank robberies, this salient fact distorts our thinking. Lawless immigrants at it again, we think. Salient information has an undue influence on how you think and act. We tend to neglect hidden, slow-to-develop, discreet factors. Do not be blinded by irregularities.

    **House-Money Effect** We treat money that we win, discover, or inherit much more frivolously than hard-earned cash. The economist Richard Thaler calls this the house-money effect. Be careful if you win money or if a business gives you something for free. Chances are you will pay it back with interest out of sheer exuberance.

    **Procrastination**: Procrastination is the tendency to delay unpleasant but important acts: the arduous trek to the gym, switching to a cheaper insurance policy, writing thank-you letters. Willpower is like a battery, at least in the short term. If it is depleted, future challenges will falter. This is a fundamental insight. Self-control is not available around the clock. It needs time to refuel. The good news: To achieve this, all you need to do is refill your blood sugar and kick back and relax.

    **Envy**: "Envy is the most stupid of vices, for there is no single advantage to be gained from it," Wnvy is the most sincere type of flattery; other than that, it's a waste of time. Many things spark envy: ownership, status, health, youth, talent, popularity, beauty. It is often confused with jealousy because the physical reactions are identical. The difference: The subject of envy is a thing (status, money, health, etc.). The subject of jealousy is the behavior of a third person. Envy needs two people. Jealousy, on the other hand, requires three: Peter is jealous of Sam because the beautiful girl next door phones him instead. Paradoxically, with envy, we direct resentments toward those who are most similar to us in age, career, and residence. How do you curb envy? First, stop comparing yourself to others. Second, find your "circle of competence" and fill it on your own. Create a niche where you are the best. It doesn't matter how small your area of mastery is. The main thing is that you are king of the castle.

    **Statistics Personification**: Be careful when you encounter human stories. Ask for the facts and the statistical distribution behind them. You can still be moved by the story, but this way, you can put it into the right context.

    **Illusion of Attention**: illusion of attention: We are confident that we notice everything that takes place in front of us. But in reality, we often see only what we are focusing on-in. this case, the passes made by the team in white. Whatever we fail to notice remains unheeded. Therefore, we have no idea what we are overlooking. This is exactly why we still cling to the dangerous illusion that we perceive everything of importance. What unexpected events might happen? What lurks beside and behind the burning issues? What is no one addressing? Pay attention to silences as much as you respond to noises. Think the unthinkable. Something unusual can be huge; we still may not see it. Being big and distinctive is not enough to be seen. The unusual and huge thing must be expected.

    **Strategic Misrepresentation**: the more at stake, the more exaggerated your assertions become. Is worth a try-in interviews, for example, as we saw above. A single company isn't going to hire you several times. It's either a yes or no. Most vulnerable to strategic misrepresentation are mega-projects, where (a) accountability is diffuse (b) many businesses are involved, leading to mutual finger-pointing, or (c) the end date is a few years down the road. Why are cost and schedule overruns so frequent? Because it is not the best offer overall that wins; it is whichever one looks best on paper. Where's the Off Switch? Overthinking

    **Planning Fallacy**: Your plans are absurdly ambitious. Every morning, you compile a to-do list. How often does it happen that everything is checked off by the end of the day? Groups overestimate duration and benefits and systematically underestimate costs and risks. So why are we not natural-born planners? The first reason: wishful thinking. We want to be successful and achieve everything we take on. Second, we focus too much on the project and overlook outside influences. Unexpected events too often defeat our plans.

    **Déformation Professionnelle**: you've got to have multiple models. And the models have to come from multiple disciplines-because"If your only tool is a hammer, all your problems will be nails," If you ask people the crux of a particular problem, they usually link it to their own areas of expertise. The déformation professionnelle becomes hazardous when people apply their specialized processes in areas where they don't belong. Teachers who scold their friends like students. New mothers who begin to treat their husbands like children. Excel spreadsheet: comparing potential lovers that we have "sourced" from dating sites. If you take your problem to an expert, don't expect the overall best solution. Expect an approach that can be solved with the expert's tool kit. Locate your shortcomings and find suitable knowledge and methodologies to balance them. It takes about a year to internalize the most important ideas of a new field, and it's worth it: Your pocketknife will be bigger and more versatile, and your thoughts sharper.

    **Zeigarnik Effect**: once we've completed a task and checked it off our mental list, it is erased from memory.

    **Illusion of Skill** Luck plays a bigger role than skill does. So why do they stop? They didn't stop. They just failed at succeeding. little is achieved without talent, and nothing is achieved without hard work.

    **Feature-Positive Effect**: Why Checklists Deceive You? Absence is much harder to detect than presence. In other words, we place greater emphasis on what is present than on what is absent. "Smoking causes lung cancer" is much more powerful than "Not smoking leads to a life free of lung cancer." You manufacture a dubious product, such as a salad dressing with a high level of cholesterol. What do you do? On the label, you promote the twenty different vitamins in the dressing and omit the cholesterol level. Consumers won't notice its absence. And the positive, present features will make sure that they feel safe and informed.

    **Cherry picking**: selecting and showcasing the most attractive features and hiding the rest. Brochures for cars, real estate, or law firms. You know how they work, and you don't fall for them. If you sit on the supervisory board of such an organization, ask about the "leftover cherries," the failed projects and missed goals. You learn a lot more from this than from the successes.

    **Fallacy of the Single Cause** The fallacy of the single cause is as ancient as it is dangerous. Writing-any clear-thinking person knows that no single factor leads to such events. Rather, there are hundreds, thousands, an infinite number of factors that add up.

    **Intention-to-Treat Error** Only relatively healthy patients remain in the "regular" group, which makes the drug look a lot more effective than it really is. The really sick patients who, for this very reason, couldn't take the drug on a regular basis ended up populating the "irregular intake" group. Always check whether test subjects-drivers who end up in accidents, bankrupt companies, critically ill patients-have, for whatever reason, vanished from the sample.

    **Why You Shouldn't Read the News News Illusion**: two centuries ago, we invented a toxic form of knowledge called "news." News is to the mind what sugar is to the body: appetizing, easy to digest-and highly destructive in the long run. We are incredibly well informed, yet we know incredibly little. One billion people multiplied by an hour's distraction equals one billion hours of work stoppage. If we convert this, we learn that news consumption wasted around two thousand lives-ten times more than the attack.

Vivir más
    **lifespan** la media de los años que vive una población determinada.

    **healthspan** la media de años vividos con buena salud, hablaremos de nuestro nivel de capacidad funcional o vitalidad.

    El factor de riesgo principal en la mayoría de las enfermedades crónicas modernas es la edad.

    Nuestra **apariencia externa es un buen reflejo de nuestro estado interno**.

    Cada vez más estudios indican que **nuestra fuerza y capacidad de movimiento predicen mejor la mortalidad** que el colesterol o el índice de masa corporal.

    Indicadores de logevidad
        Multitud de estudios concluyen que **caminar despacio se asocia con mayor mortalidad** a corto plazo.
        **La fuerza de agarre** es un buen indicador de salud global.
        Distintas pruebas de **equilibrio** han demostrado que predicen el grado de envejecimiento y el riesgo de mortalidad.

    El envejecimiento no está programado. Es el resultado del efecto acumulado de infinidad de mutaciones que la selección natural no ha podido eliminar.

    El **25 % de las diferencias de longevidad se deben a la genética**, lo que deja un amplio margen a la influencia de nuestros hábitos y del entorno.

    Nuestra esperanza de vida es **más similar a la de la persona con la que nos casamos** que a la de nuestros hermanos.

    Envejecemos porque la selección natural no puede eliminar las mutaciones genéticas que se producen mucho más allá del inicio de la edad fértil.

    De media, **las personas altas viven menos que las bajas**. El motivo sería que una mayor altura suele estar causada por una mayor activación de factores de crecimiento durante más tiempo, como IGF-1.

    **Células madre** tienen poderes especiales. Son capaces de dar vida a las distintas células que nuestro cuerpo necesita Las células madre más poderosas son las llamadas embrionarias o totipotentes, porque pueden convertirse en casi cualquier tipo de célula.

    **La inflamación** es una respuesta de nuestro organismo ante un daño: un tobillo torcido, una quemadura, una infección. Es una estrategia del sistema inmunitario para atacar al agente invasor.

    El problema viene cuando este proceso, por diferentes motivos, está siempre activo. El resultado es una inflamación permanente de bajo grado, crónica, silenciosa y muy peligrosa.

    El **uso frecuente de saunas** se asocia con una reducción de entre el 20 y el 40 % de la mortalidad, sobre todo por enfermedad cardiovascular y trastornos neurodegenerativos.

    Si eres deportista, recuerda que el ejercicio eleva la inflamación y el estrés oxidativo. Esta elevación breve pero pronunciada no solo no es mala, sino que es necesaria. Es justo una de las señales que desencadenan las adaptaciones positivas del ejercicio.

    Los **donantes de sangre viven más** que la población general, incluso considerando que su estado de salud inicial tiende a ser mejor.

    El hierro es un mineral fundamental para nuestra salud, pero en exceso contribuye al envejecimiento. Unos niveles elevados de hierro se asocian con más riesgo de padecer enfermedad cardiovascular y alzhéimer.

    **La comodidad constante nos envejece** antes de tiempo. Nuestros genes están mejor adaptados a la escasez que a la abundancia. Sin unos niveles adecuados de distintos tipos de estrés nos debilitamos y enfermamos, como ocurrió con los árboles de Biosfera 2: en ausencia de viento, se derrumbaron antes de tiempo.

    El viento apaga una vela, pero aviva un fuego. Debemos evitar ser velas para convertirnos en fuego, y desear que llegue el viento.

    **Actividad física: el elixir de la juventud** La actividad física estimula la proliferación de nuevas células madre, capaces de regenerar tejidos dañados.

    El **ejercicio mejora todos los mecanismos de comunicación intercelular**: reduce la inflamación, mejora el funcionamiento de casi todas las hormonas, regula el eje intestino-cerebro y ayuda a sincronizar los ritmos circadianos.

    Recomienda entrenamiento de fuerza, al menos dos sesiones semanales que trabajen todos los grupos musculares.

    Ciento cincuenta minutos de actividad física aeróbica moderada a la semana, setenta y cinco minutos de actividad física aeróbica intensa o una combinación de ambas. Lo ideal sería el doble de esto.

    La capacidad cardiorrespiratoria se estima con el **VO2 máx**, que se refiere a la máxima cantidad de oxígeno que el cuerpo puede procesar. Esta métrica depende de tres factores principales. Primero, de la capacidad de los pulmones y el corazón. Unos pulmones sanos serán capaces de captar más oxígeno y entregarlo al corazón para que este lo bombee.

    En segundo lugar, estaría la capacidad que tengamos de transportar ese oxígeno, que depende de factores como el número de glóbulos rojos en sangre. Y, por último, el VO2 máx dependerá también de la eficiencia muscular, un aspecto muy condicionado por la cantidad y calidad de las mitocondrias en las fibras musculares, donde al final se produce energía a partir del oxígeno.

    Cómo conocer tu VO2 máx La forma más precisa de medir el VO2 máx es someterse a una prueba de esfuerzo.

    Hay dos formas principales y complementarias de mejorar el VO2 máx: entrenamiento en zona 2 y entrenamiento de alta intensidad. Exploremos ambos.

    El **entrenamiento en zona 2** consiste básicamente en practicar ejercicio aeróbico de baja intensidad durante, al menos, 45-60 minutos seguidos. ¿Qué es baja intensidad? Aquella en la que no se eleva el nivel de lactato en sangre, porque el reciclaje es igual a la producción. Se suele encontrar en el 65-75 % de la frecuencia cardiaca máxima.

    **Entrenamiento de alta intensidad** Por alta intensidad nos referimos a entrenar por encima del 90 % de la frecuencia cardiaca máxima, es decir, en la zona 5. Se suelen estructurar por intervalos, alternando periodos breves de máximo esfuerzo con descansos.

    Este tipo de entrenamientos han demostrado mejorar el VO2 máx de manera equivalente a sesiones aeróbicas mucho más largas. Pero estas dos estrategias no son competidoras, sino complementarias, ya que mejoran el VO2 máx por vías distintas. El cardio suave tiene mayor efecto a nivel central, en el sistema cardiovascular, mientras que el HIIT tiene mayor impacto a nivel muscular, generando un efecto especialmente beneficioso en las mitocondrias.

    La alta intensidad potencia el efecto senolítico del ejercicio. Es decir, mata más células zombi.

    Un estudio reciente comprobó que los brazos de las mujeres prehistóricas eran más fuertes que los de las remadoras de élite actuales.

    El músculo actúa como reserva fisiológica, y ante casi cualquier operación o tratamiento las personas con más masa muscular sufren menos mortalidad y se recuperan antes.

    Perdemos mucho más músculo por dejar de usarlo que por cumplir años.

    **Hormesis**: El ejercicio es una pequeña adversidad que nos fortalece. Y, como cualquier estresor, tiene una dosis óptima a partir de la cual nos podría dañar. Pero, por suerte, la dosis necesaria para que el ejercicio acorte nuestra vida es muy elevada.

    **Pirámide de actividad física para la longevidad**
        En la base estaría la actividad física de baja intensidad, como caminar y hacer snacks de movimiento. El objetivo sería sumar, al menos, una hora al día.
        En el siguiente nivel estarían el entrenamiento en zona 2 y el entrenamiento de fuerza. Les asigno la misma importancia, aunque puedes cambiar los porcentajes en función de tus preferencias, sin ignorar ninguno de ellos. Al menos deberías incluir, cada semana, 2 sesiones aeróbicas en zona 2 y dos sesiones de fuerza, mejor si es en días separados, pero tampoco es un problema hacer fuerza y ejercicio aeróbico en la misma sesión. En este caso es más recomendable empezar con los ejercicios de fuerza.
        En la punta de la pirámide incluiríamos una o dos sesiones semanales de entrenamiento HIIT de alta intensidad, en zona 5. Es suficiente con quince o veinte minutos por sesión.

    **Comida para una larga vida**

    La moderación sigue siendo una de las claves de una buena alimentación.

    Seguir una buena dieta puede alargar la vida entre seis y diez años,

    Nuestra alimentación debería estar **basada en verdura y fruta**, y más cantidad de la primera que de la segunda.

    El punto más bajo de mortalidad en el caso de las **frutas se logra con dos o tres porciones diarias**, y a partir de ese punto el beneficio se reduce.
    En el caso de **la verdura**, la curva nunca se da la vuelta, pero tampoco se observa una menor mortalidad a partir de **cuatro porciones diarias**.

    Consumo diario de este tipo de verduras, como **espinaca, rúcula o acelga, se asocia con una edad cognitiva varios años menor**.

    Nuestro cuerpo detecta estos **pequeños venenos y, a través de la hormesis, eleva nuestras defensas**. Ejemplos: **Té verde**, el sulforafano de las crucíferas (como **brócoli, berros, repollo, coliflor, lombarda o kale**), la (**curcumina** (principal compuesto activo de la cúrcuma) y el ácido elágico (presente en **fresas, frambuesas o granadas)**.

    Los polifenoles son fitoquímicos, es decir, compuestos químicos producidos por las plantas. Las plantas no producen estos compuestos para mejorar nuestra salud ni aumentar nuestra longevidad, sino para matarnos.

    Otro gran beneficio de las frutas y las verduras es su aporte en fibra, el alimento preferido de nuestra microbiota.

    la ingesta de **30 gramos de fibra** al día se asocia con una mortalidad un 20 % menor respecto a una ingesta muy baja.

    Fibra soluble presente en verduras como la achicoria, la cebolla, el ajo, el cardo y la alcachofa.

    **almidón resistente**, que se encuentra en alimentos como las patatas y el arroz, en especial al enfriarse.

    el consumo de **setas** se asocia con mayor longevidad y mejor salud en general.

    Los **frutos secos** aportan una buena combinación de proteína, carbohidrato y grasa, pero son también ricos en fibras prebióticas y multitud de polifenoles.

    el consumo de un puñado de **frutos secos al día, entre 15 y 30 gramos**, se asocia con una mortalidad un 19 % menor. Hay más estudios con nueces, almendras, avellanas y pistachos,

    La **avena** tiene un perfil nutricional superior al de la mayoría de los cereales al aportar más proteína, buenas cantidades de minerales como manganeso, zinc, fósforo y magnesio, y vitaminas como folato, B1 y B5.

    **lentejas y las alubias** cuentan con la mayor evidencia sobre beneficios para la salud. En el caso de la soja, varios estudios muestran mayor reducción de la mortalidad en el caso de la soja fermentada,

    Reducción de más del 20 % del riesgo de mortalidad entre las personas que tomaban **un par de cucharadas al día de aceite de oliva** (20-30 ml).

    **Lácteos**: Ni positivo ni negativo. No parece que ayude a vivir más, pero tampoco eleva la mortalidad. Si hablamos de **lácteos fermentados**, sin embargo, la mayoría de los estudios concluyen que su consumo se asocia con mejor salud y menor mortalidad. Los lácteos fermentados, como **yogur o kéfir**, son probióticos, que ayudan a desarrollar una microbiota más diversa.

    **100 y 200 gramos diarios de lácteos fermentados** parece lo ideal para la mayoría de los casos.

    El consumo de **dos o más porciones de pescado a la semana** se asocia con un riesgo de mortalidad menor. Los mejores: altos en omega 3 y bajos en mercurio, como **sardinas, salmón, arenque, trucha o caballa**.

    Ingesta frecuente de **carnes blancas, como pavo y pollo**, se asocia con menor riesgo de mortalidad, pero sin llegar al mismo beneficio observado con el pescado. La carne roja, por el contrario, suele asociarse con más mortalidad.

    Tomar algo de carne parece más beneficioso que no tomar ninguna cantidad. Pero ingerir mucha carne podría ser problemático, sobre todo para individuos sedentarios. La carne roja es rica en hierro, un mineral importante, pero que en exceso produce oxidación, como vimos al hablar de los beneficios de donar sangre. Cocinar carne a altas temperaturas, en especial con exposición directa al fuego, **en parrilla o barbacoa**, eleva la producción de compuestos que podrían ser cancerígenos.

    **limitar el consumo de carnes procesadas**, sobre todo de embutidos industriales. Suelen elaborarse a partir de carnes de baja calidad, tienen menor densidad nutricional que la carne fresca e incluyen aditivos que podrían ser perjudiciales.

    el beneficio de las dietas vegetarianas vendría de **consumir más alimentos vegetales, no de reducir los productos animales**.

    **Proteína**: la Sociedad de Medicina Geriátrica de la Unión Europea publicó una revisión donde recomendaba niveles de entre 1 y 1,5 g/kg de proteína al día, y al menos 1,2 g/kg en el caso de practicar actividad física.

    Los niveles **bajos o muy altos de proteína podrían ser problemáticos**: los primeros por limitar la capacidad de regeneración de los tejidos; los segundos por promover demasiada división celular y aumentar el riesgo de cáncer.

    **Grasa**: hay tres tipos de grasas: saturadas, monoinsaturadas y poliinsaturadas.

    priorizar el consumo de alimentos ricos naturalmente en **grasa monoinsaturada** parece la mejor recomendación que podemos hacer para aumentar la longevidad. Aquí destacan los **aguacates, el aceite de oliva y los frutos secos**.

    No deberíamos tener miedo a las grasas saturadas, pero es importante vigilar su origen y su impacto individual en los biomarcadores ligados a riesgo coronario.

    **Grasas saturadas**: El aceite de palma refinado está presente en muchos productos procesados y su consumo es perjudicial. Otras fuentes poco recomendables de grasa saturada son los embutidos industriales y la bollería.

    **La insulina** es fundamental para la vida, pero en exceso es problemática. La resistencia a la insulina contribuye a la mayoría de las enfermedades crónicas modernas, como cáncer y aterosclerosis. Los diabéticos tipo 2 tienen el doble de riesgo de desarrollar trastornos cardiovasculares y algunos tipos de cánceres, entre otras muchas enfermedades.

    Algunos expertos consideran que el alzhéimer es en realidad la manifestación de esta desregulación de la glucosa en el cerebro,

    La resistencia a la insulina no se produce por comer carbohidratos, sino por un **exceso energético constante**.

    Hay varios marcadores para estimar los niveles promedio de glucosa en sangre, pero el más sencillo es la **hemoglobina glicosilada, o HbA1c**. Niveles elevados de HbA1c se asocian con telómeros más cortos y más células senescentes.

    Al hacer ejercicio se vacían las reservas de glucógeno, dejando espacio para nueva glucosa. Y cuanto más músculo tengas, más glucosa podrás almacenar sin causar problemas. Un exceso de carbohidratos refinados, combinados con baja actividad física y poca masa muscular, es la receta perfecta para desarrollar resistencia a la insulina.

    **Alimentos que envejecen**

    Las dietas donde el **azúcar añadido** supone más del 20 % de las calorías totales se asocian con un 30 % más de mortalidad, sobre todo cuando una parte relevante de ese azúcar viene de bebidas.

    las personas que más **ultraprocesados** comieron sufrieron un 40 % más de mortalidad respecto a las que menos.

    Las personas con mayor consumo de productos ultraprocesados experimentan mayores niveles de inflamación crónica y tienen microbiotas más pobres.

    Cuanto más larga sea la vida de tu comida, más corta será la tuya.

    distintos metaanálisis parecen indicar que incluso pequeñas cantidades de **alcohol** se relacionan con más riesgo de distintos tipos de cáncer y trastornos neurodegenerativos.

    Si tu dieta global es buena, no pasa nada por comerse un postre o tomar una bebida azucarada de vez en cuando, sobre todo si practicas actividad física. La comida es mucho más que calorías y nutrientes, es también una forma de disfrutar la vida y de tener experiencias compartidas.

    El simple hecho de mantener un peso adecuado se asocia con una vida cinco años más larga respecto a tener sobrepeso.

    **Restricción calórica** Cuanto mejor sea la dieta, menos beneficio aporta la restricción calórica.

    Parece que la restricción calórica es beneficiosa, pero hay muchos matices.

    muchos de los participantes del estudio tenían sobrepeso y es evidente que al perder grasa sobrante mejorarán distintos parámetros de salud y envejecerán más despacio. Por el contrario, algunos participantes que ya tenían niveles bajos de grasa debieron abandonar el estudio porque se observó una pérdida excesiva de masa muscular y ósea. Algunos de ellos desarrollaron anemia. Como vemos, es un tema complejo.

    **Ayuno intermitente** estrategias que podrían ofrecer algunos de los beneficios de la restricción calórica sin tanto sacrificio y sin sus efectos negativos. Hablemos del ayuno intermitente, la dieta cetogénica y los miméticos del ayuno.

    estos espacios de ayuno pueden beneficiarnos a través de la hormesis al crear un pequeño estrés que activa nuestros mecanismos de defensa y regeneración. De ellos, el más directo es la autofagia, cuya inhibición por una abundancia constante representa una de las claves del envejecimiento.

    Una recomendación sencilla para alargar la ventana de ayuno nocturno sería cenar antes.

    Si terminas de cenar a las ocho y no comes nada hasta las diez del día siguiente, ya estás incluyendo catorce horas de ayuno.

    es mucho más importante cuidar la calidad de la dieta y mantener una buena ratio músculo/grasa que restringir calorías o hacer ayunos intermitentes.

    **Dieta cetogénica** Si el ayuno se prolonga, el nivel de glucógeno hepático se verá muy reducido, y a partir de cierto punto el hígado empezará a producir un combustible alternativo que procede de nuestra grasa: los cuerpos cetónicos.

    **Los cuerpos cetónicos** no son simples fuentes de energía, sino que actúan también como moléculas señalizadoras: reducen la inflamación, activan el gen FOXO3, inhiben la mTOR, mejoran la salud mitocondrial y regulan los procesos epigenéticos. Parecen tener, además, un efecto neuroprotector.

    También producimos este efecto al restringir los carbohidratos.

    Personalmente recomiendo incluir periodos de **dos o tres semanas de cetosis en invierno**, simulando el enfoque (forzado) de nuestros ancestros. Por el contrario, una dieta cetogénica constante podría ser problemática.

    El **consumo moderado de café, entre dos y cuatro tazas al día**, se asocia con menor mortalidad.

    el café contiene decenas de polifenoles con multitud de efectos positivos. Por ejemplo, su ácido clorogénico activa la AMPK, lo que explicaría parte de sus muchos beneficios. Por este motivo **el café no solo no rompe el ayuno, sino que lo potencia**.

    Algo similar podríamos decir del té, en especial de variantes como el **té verde**, cuyas catequinas parecen alargar la vida. Destaca la EGCG, o galato de epigalocatequina, con efectos positivos en las sirtuinas y el FOXO3.

    Otro conocido activador de la AMPK es la **cúrcuma**, cuyo principio activo, la curcumina, ejerce además un potente efecto antiinflamatorio.

    **El vinagre** contiene ácido acético, que a través de la activación de la AMPK reduce los niveles de glucosa en sangre y mejora la sensibilidad a la insulina.

    **Hormonas: los mensajeros de la vida**

    La castración producía un efecto similar al envejecimiento. Los animales castrados engordaban, perdían el interés por el sexo y se volvían más dóciles.

    No existían supermercados ni escuelas infantiles, pero sí depredadores que aprovecharían cualquier distracción de los padres para alimentarse de sus recién nacidos. En ese entorno salvaje, los abuelos eran fundamentales.

    **la testosterona** anima a los hombres a asumir más riesgos, y en consecuencia sufren más accidentes.

    las hormonas sexuales influyen de manera distinta en el riesgo de enfermar. Los estrógenos parecen ejercer un papel antiinflamatorio y proteger contra la enfermedad coronaria. Por eso, el riesgo cardiovascular en la mujer se eleva a partir de la menopausia.

    los niveles de testosterona promedio se han reducido casi un 20 %. Además de esto, se ha deteriorado la calidad del esperma. Hay menos consenso sobre las causas.

    unos niveles bajos de testosterona son peor salud cardiovascular, exceso de grasa, resistencia a la insulina, más inflamación crónica de bajo grado y baja masa muscular.

    Ser padre reduce la testosterona. La biología quiere que dediques más tiempo a tu nueva descendencia en vez de seguir asumiendo el peligro de la competencia.

    Los niveles bajos de testosterona restan motivación para entrenar, limitan las ganancias musculares y facilitan la acumulación de grasa. Este aumento de grasa eleva a su vez la aromatización, o conversión de testosterona en estrógenos. Todo esto reduce todavía más la testosterona y perpetúa este ciclo negativo.

    Otro gran potenciador de la testosterona es el entrenamiento en general, y el entrenamiento de fuerza en particular.

    el déficit de sueño y el estrés crónico inhiben la testosterona.

    el estrés físico puntual activa mecanismos de protección que nos fortalecen. La vida de nuestros ancestros les exigía someterse a los elementos,

    **Hormonas del estrés**

    La mayor parte del estrés actual es psicosocial, y está más relacionado con problemas laborales o económicos, conflictos interpersonales y otro tipo de adversidades.

    nuestro cerebro sigue respondiendo de la única manera que sabe: liberando hormonas del estrés.

    estas hormonas del estrés nos preparan para luchar o para huir: elevan la frecuencia cardiaca y la presión arterial, liberan glucosa y triglicéridos en sangre, aumentan la tensión muscular.  Y esta respuesta, que es beneficiosa de manera puntual, se vuelve en nuestra contra cuando el estrés psicosocial se prolonga en el tiempo.

    El estrés crónico perjudica casi todas las claves del envejecimiento. Daña el ADN y dificulta su reparación, acorta los telómeros, favorece la disfunción mitocondrial, desregula el sistema inmunitario y daña la microbiota.

    El poder de la melatonina La melatonina se conoce como la hormona del sueño, y una de sus misiones principales en el cuerpo es regular los ritmos circadianos.

    actúa por tanto como mensajera de la oscuridad, indicando a nuestro cuerpo que ha llegado el momento de descansar.

    es un gran antioxidante.

    **La melatonina** no solo reduce el estrés oxidativo de las mitocondrias, sino que regula la mitofagia y mejora la producción de ATP. La melatonina ejerce también un efecto anticancerígeno por distintas vías: potencia el sistema inmunitario, regula la apoptosis o muerte celular, inhibe la angiogénesis y bloquea la migración de células malignas. El enemigo principal de la melatonina es la luz artificial nocturna, ya que engaña al cerebro haciéndole pensar que sigue siendo de día.

    La mejor forma de optimizar nuestra producción de melatonina es exponiéndonos a **luz natural** durante la mañana y minimizando la luz artificial por la noche.

    El nivel más bajo de mortalidad se encuentra entre siete y ocho horas de sueño, mientras que tanto dormir menos de siete horas como más de ocho se asocia con más mortalidad.

    La melatonina está indicada en especial para regular los ritmos circadianos, por ejemplo, en el caso de sufrir jet lag. Pero también podría ayudar a dormir mejor, y la dosis utilizada de manera habitual en los estudios varía entre 0,5 y 5 mg/noche. Tomada una hora antes de acostarse.

    **Pelo y piel: la vejez visible** las personas que aparentan más edad tienden a morir antes. Lo que ocurre en nuestro interior sí tiene un reflejo directo en nuestro exterior, tanto en la piel como en el pelo.

    **Pelo: canas y calvicie** A partir de cierta edad, casi todos los hombres presentan células cancerígenas en la próstata, pero su crecimiento es lento y por lo general no son estos tumores los causantes de la muerte.

    La edad a la que aparecen las canas tiene un componente genético muy fuerte, pero también influyen en ella nuestros hábitos, en especial el estrés con el que lidiamos.

    El pelo blanco está directamente relacionado con la edad biológica, sobre todo cuando lo causan el estrés o los malos hábitos. Fumar, ser sedentario o tener déficit de vitaminas B12, B7 o B9 se asocia con más riesgo de desarrollar canas prematuras.

    Cuidar la piel no solo es un tema estético, sino también de salud.

    **Tres niveles de cuidados: protección, transformación y optimización**. Añadiremos, además, un nivel por debajo, relacionado con los hábitos.

    **Nivel 0: Hábitos para una piel saludable** El objetivo es ralentizar todo lo posible el envejecimiento de la piel, y tanto el ejercicio como la dieta y el descanso desempeñan un papel crucial en este sentido.

    La actividad física mejora el riego sanguíneo en la piel, que recibe así el oxígeno y los nutrientes que sus células requieren.

    Una buena dieta impacta también en la salud de la piel por múltiples vías. Los polifenoles que protegen a las plantas de la radiación solar ejercen el mismo efecto en nosotros.

    las personas que duermen mal durante años muestran pieles más envejecidas y de menor calidad.

    **Nivel 1: Protección Pasando ya a compuestos tópicos**, lo más importante es la protección, y el principal enemigo de la piel es la radiación.

    cabinas de bronceado. Evítalas a toda costa.

    Recomiendo **usar protector solar en la cara**, al tener una piel delicada y ser la zona que más exponemos. Prefiero sintetizar vitamina D y óxido nítrico exponiendo otras zonas del cuerpo, como los brazos y las piernas. Lo más importante es evitar que la piel se enrojezca, ya que es una señal clara de daño. Intenta, sobre todo, no recibir sol a través de ventanas, ya que el cristal bloquea los rayos UVB pero deja pasar los UVA. Los UVB son los que necesitamos para sintetizar vitamina D y penetran con menos profundidad en la piel. Los rayos UVA son más dañinos porque llegan a la dermis, donde dañan los fibroblastos y degradan el colágeno.

    **Nivel 2: Transformación** Tras asegurar una correcta protección de la piel, debemos potenciar su capacidad de regeneración. Para ello, se usan los transformadores, que son sobre todo ácidos. Los reyes de los transformadores son, sin duda, los retinoides.

    **El retinol** es el retinoide más estudiado y el más recomendable en la mayoría de los casos. Sin embargo, puede tener efectos secundarios, como enrojecimiento de la piel, sobre todo al principio.

    **ácido hialurónico** las cremas con ácido hialurónico de bajo peso molecular han demostrado penetrar la piel y mejorar su nivel de hidratación.

    **Nivel 3: Optimización** En la punta de la pirámide encontramos compuestos como péptidos y factores de crecimiento.

    Juntando todo: **rutina antienvejecimiento básica**

        Es importante empezar el día limpiándose la cara para que la piel absorba bien el resto de los compuestos. Después, aplica un suero con antioxidantes, sobre todo con vitamina C. El siguiente paso sería aplicar una crema hidratante y, por último, el protector solar. La piel ya está lista para enfrentarse al nuevo día. \
        Por la noche, un rato antes de acostarte, limpia de nuevo la cara y aplica después un transformador, que en general debería ser retinol.
        En verano puedes usar ácidos más suaves, como salicílico o glicólico.

    **Moléculas para alargar la vida**

    **Espermidina** es un compuesto natural que nuestras propias células pueden sintetizar, pero que se va reduciendo con la edad. La espermidina parece tener un efecto antiinflamatorio y podría mitigar además otras claves del envejecimiento, como la disfunción mitocondrial. Está también presente en muchos alimentos, como **germen de trigo, soja, setas, queso curado, verduras crucíferas, manzanas, granadas y semillas de calabaza**.

    Las personas que consumen más espermidina a través de la dieta tienen menos riesgo de enfermedad coronaria y menos deterioro cognitivo.

    **Astaxantina**  Por su gran poder antioxidante se considera el rey de los carotenoides, y recientemente se le ha atribuido un efecto positivo sobre distintas claves del envejecimiento. Algunos alimentos ricos en astaxantina son el **salmón, los langostinos, la trucha roja y los cangrejos**. En el caso de la suplementación se han visto efectos beneficiosos con dosis de 6-12 mg/día, idealmente con las comidas.


    **metformina** es reducir la gluconeogénesis y mejorar la sensibilidad a la insulina.

    El riesgo de cáncer se reduce entre el 25 y el 40 % entre los diabéticos que toman metformina.

    **Curcumina La cúrcuma** se considera la reina de las especias, e reconocida por su gran poder antiinflamatorio. Reduce, por ejemplo, los síntomas asociados a trastornos como artritis reumatoide y osteoartritis, y mejora también biomarcadores de inflamación como IL-6. Los estudios recientes indican que la curcumina ataca otras muchas claves del envejecimiento además de la inflamación. Por ejemplo, inhibe la vía mTOR, reduce la resistencia a la insulina, elimina células senescentes

    La curcumina previene la acumulación de lipofuscina, un deshecho celular que se acumula en distintos tejidos con la edad.

    por lo que debe combinarse con piperina (extraída de la pimienta negra), para potenciar su absorción. Las dosis efectivas oscilan entre 500 y 1.500 mg/día de curcumina, combinadas con 5-15 mg/día de piperina. También puedes usar cúrcuma directamente, bien como suplemento o como condimento en tu dieta. La cúrcuma aporta otros polifenoles interesantes además de curcumina, pero en este caso la dosis debería ser superior.

    **NAC (N-Acetil-Cisteína) y glicina** El glutatión es nuestro antioxidante más poderoso y regula tanto el estrés oxidativo como la respuesta inmunitaria.

    Resveratrol y pterostilbeno: El resveratrol es un compuesto liberado por algunas plantas cuando se enfrentan a estresores externos, como ataques de hongos, frío intenso o radiación ultravioleta. No recomiendo, por tanto, los suplementos de resveratrol, pero sí incluir alimentos ricos en este compuesto, como piel de uva negra, arándanos, frambuesas, moras y cacahuetes.

    **Alfa-cetoglutarato** Precursores de NAD.  partcipa en la producción de energía en las mitocondrias. Sin NAD no hay energía. Sin energía no hay vida. Derivados de la vitamina B3. El precursor más directo de NAD+ es el NMN, que a su vez deriva del NR.

    la apigenina tiene otros beneficios y puedes obtenerla incluyendo en la dieta alimentos como perejil, apio o cilantro, o también infusiones de manzanilla.

    **La glucosamina** es un compuesto natural presente en el cartílago de las articulaciones.

    **El colágeno** es la proteína más abundante del cuerpo y representa casi un tercio de nuestra masa total de proteína. Es además el componente principal de la piel, los huesos y el tejido conectivo. La suplementación con colágeno **mejora la calidad de la piel y, en menor medida, mitiga problemas articulares**.

    Es recomendable**practicar algo de actividad física después de suplementar**, ya que la tensión mecánica ejercida le indica a nuestro cuerpo dónde requiere ese refuerzo. Si no haces ejercicio, el beneficio articular de los suplementos será mínimo.

    Para mejorar la piel y los tendones, el **colágeno tipo I** es el más efectivo, en dosis de 10 gramos diarios. En el caso de la osteoartritis (desgaste del cartílago) se han visto mejores resultados con **colágeno no desnaturalizado tipo II (UC-II)** en dosis de 40 mg/día.

    La síntesis de colágeno depende de otros compuestos, como la **vitamina C o el magnesio**,

    **El magnesio** es un mineral fundamental para la vida. El déficit de magnesio eleva la resistencia a la insulina y la inflamación crónica de bajo grado. El magnesio es necesario también para activar la vitamina D, un compuesto clave para los huesos y para la salud en general. Niveles bajos de magnesio en personas que sufren depresión, y la suplementación podría aliviar los síntomas. Se recomienda un mínimo de **400-450 mg/día para hombres**

    La mejor fuente de **omega 3** es el pescado graso, la absorción del omega 3 en forma de triglicérido es superior a la absorción en base a éster.

    **Creatina** permite elevar las reservas de fosfocreatina muscular, el sustrato energético del llamado sistema de los fosfágenos. Este sistema produce ATP con mucha rapidez y es clave para los esfuerzos físicos breves e intensos, como esprintar o levantar peso. Desde hace décadas se ha usado la creatina como suplemento para mejorar la ganancia de masa muscular.
    La suplementación con dosis de entre **3 y 6 gramos de creatina al día mejora la fuerza**, la potencia y el desarrollo muscular.

    **Ayuda a ralentizar la pérdida de fuerza y músculo al envejecer**. Solo por esto ya merecería la pena tomar creatina,

    **Recomiendo las siguientes prioridades.**
        En primer lugar, usar los suplementos que conocemos hace décadas y que han demostrado efectos positivos en diversos marcadores de salud en grandes estudios. En esta categoría estarían la **creatina, el magnesio y el omega 3**. Si te expones poco al sol, podrías usar también vitamina D,

        A continuación, consideraría suplementos que podemos encontrar de manera natural en los alimentos y que cuentan con estudios positivos en humanos. En este grupo valoraría **espermidina, curcumina, colágeno y glicina**. Si hablamos ya de fármacos, como metformina o rapamicina, esperaría hasta disponer de más pruebas sobre su posible beneficio a largo plazo en personas sanas.

    Personas con **creencias negativas sobre el envejecimiento** tenían mayores niveles de inflamación y hormonas del estrés, ambos factores que contribuyen directamente al declive físico. Es decir, el pensamiento regula algunos de los mecanismos moleculares del envejecimiento.

    Si crees que estás tomando una bebida con más azúcar, sufrirás una mayor elevación de la glucosa en sangre que si piensas que no lleva azúcar.

    Las etiquetas importan, y al cambiar las etiquetas que nosotros mismos nos asignamos mejoraremos la forma en la que envejecemos.

    Las personas mayores que no se sienten útiles para los demás tienen más del doble de riesgo de mortalidad. El simple hecho de cuidar mascotas, sobre todo perros, se asocia con más longevidad.

    Si estás convencido de que al envejecer perderás la memoria, usarás cualquier olvido momentáneo como confirmación de tu creencia. Esto, a su vez, elevará tu estrés, lo que te hará envejecer más rápido. Es la vieja profecía autocumplida.

    conclusión principal del estudio es que **la calidad de nuestras relaciones sociales es el mejor predictor de nuestra satisfacción vital**, mientras que el sentimiento de soledad es una de las principales causas de infelicidad.

    Las personas optimistas no solo tienen una experiencia mejor de la vida, sino que viven más.

    Los pensamientos negativos elevan el estrés y la inflamación, y ambos factores, perpetuados en el tiempo, aceleran el envejecimiento.

    Los pensamientos de gratitud generan cambios observables en distintas zonas cerebrales, que generan efectos fisiológicos medibles.

    **La autocompasión** es el antídoto contra la autoexigencia desmedida. Con frecuencia nos castigamos mentalmente por errores del pasado o por sentir que no somos lo bastante buenos en algún aspecto. Interpretar las equivocaciones como parte del proceso de aprendizaje nos permite poner estos pensamientos en perspectiva y evita que nos fustiguemos por cosas que no podemos cambiar.

    Las personas de alto estatus socioeconómico tienen mejor salud y viven más. De hecho, una vez que nuestras necesidades básicas están cubiertas, valoramos más el estatus que el dinero.

    Personas que se enfrentan al envejecimiento con una **mentalidad de crecimiento** tienen un declive más lento. Los estudiantes con mentalidad fija asumían que sus capacidades eran poco moldeables y preferían no enfrentarse a desafíos para los que no se sentían preparados. Por el contrario, los estudiantes con mentalidad de crecimiento asumían que podían mejorar con la dedicación suficiente.

    como un proceso moldeable, cuya velocidad depende de lo que hacemos a diario.

    El objetivo no es morir sin arrugas dejando atrás un bonito cadáver. Solo los que nunca lucharon por nada mueren sin cicatrices.

    Hagamos todo lo posible por acumular años, pero no olvidemos sumar nuevas experiencias cada año.

    El paso del tiempo no es algo que temer, sino algo que celebrar. Solo te vuelves viejo cuando tienes más recuerdos que sueños. Recuerda que **nunca es tarde para empezar a vivir más.**



Triggers: Creating Behavior That Lasts
    Meaningful **behavioral change is very hard to do**. It's hard to initiate behavioral change, even harder to stay the course, hardest of all to make the change stick. I'd go so far as to say that adult behavioral change is the most difficult thing  for sentient human beings to accomplish.

    No one can make us change unless we truly want to change. Change has to come from within. It can't be dictated, demanded, or otherwise forced upon people.

    We're even defeated by change when it's a **matter of life and death**. Consider how hard it is to break a bad habit such as smoking.

    A **feedback loop comprises four stages: evidence, relevance, consequence, and action.**
        the radar speed displays' exploitation of the loop works so well. Drivers get data about their speed in real time (evidence). The information gets their attention because it's coupled with the posted speed limit, indicating whether they're obeying or breaking the law (relevance). Aware that they're speeding, drivers fear getting a ticket or hurting  someone (consequence). So they slow down (action).

    What if we could control our environment so it triggered our most desired behavior-like an elegantly designed feedback loop?

    A behavioral trigger is any stimulus that impacts our behavior.

        **Direct triggers** are stimuli that immediately and obviously impact behavior, with no intermediate steps between the triggering event and your response. You see a happy baby and smile. A child chases a basketball into the street in front of your car and you instantly hit the brakes.

        **Indirect triggers** take a more circuitous route before influencing behavior. You see a family photo that initiates a series of thoughts that compel you to pick up the phone and call your sister.

        **External triggers** come from the environment, bombarding our five senses as well as our minds. Internal triggers come from thoughts or feelings that are not connected with any outside stimulus.

        **Conscious triggers** require awareness. You know why your finger recoils when you touch the hot plate. Unconscious triggers shape your behavior beyond your awareness.

        **Anticipated triggers** coming a mile away. For example, at the beginning of the Super Bowl, we hear the national anthem and

        **Unanticipated triggers** take us by surprise, and as a result stimulate unfamiliar behavior. My friend Phil did not see his   fall down the stairs coming,

        **Encouraging triggers** push us to maintain or expand what we are doing. They are reinforcing. The sight of a finish line for   an exhausted marathon runner encourages him to keep running,

        **Discouraging triggers** push us to stop or reduce what we are doing. If we're talking in a theater, an annoyed "Ssshhh" from   an audience

    Productive triggers push us toward becoming the person we want to be. Counterproductive triggers pull us away.

    triggers-encouraging or discouraging, productive or counterproductive. They express the **timeless tension between what we want and what we need**. We want short-term gratification while we need long-term benefit. And we never get a break from choosing one or the other. It's the defining conflict of adult behavioral change.

    **If only our encouraging triggers and productive triggers were the same**. It can happen. It's the ideal situation.

    Quadrant
        **We Want It and Need It**: The upper right quadrant is where we'd prefer to be all the time. It is the realm where encouraging triggers intersect with productive triggers, where the short-term gratification we want is congruent with the long-term achievement we need. Praise, recognition, admiration, and monetary rewards are common triggers here. They make us try harder right now and they also reinforce continuing behavior that drives us toward our goals. We want them now    and need them later.

        **We Want It but Don't Need It**: The paradoxical effect of an encouraging trigger that is counterproductive comes to a head most tellingly in the upper left quadrant. This is where we encounter pleasurable situations that can tempt or distract us from achieving our goals. If you've ever binge-watched a season or two of a TV show on Netflix when you should be   studying, or finishing an assignment, or going to sleep. You've sacrificed your goals for short-term gratification.

    **We Need It but Don't Want It**: The lower right quadrant is a thorny grab bag of discouraging triggers that we don't want but that we know we need. Rules (or any highly structured environment) are discouraging because they limit us; they exist to erase specific behaviors from our repertoire. But we need them because obeying rules makes us do the right thing. Rules push us in the right direction even when our first impulse is to go the other way. Fear of shame, punishment, reprisal, regret, disrespect, ostracism-is a hugely discouraging trigger, often appearing after we fail to follow a rule.

        **We Don't Need or Want It**: (Pain, of course, is the ultimate discouraging trigger) The lower left quadrant, where our triggers are both discouraging and counterproductive, is not a good place to be. It includes all the dead-end situations that make us miserable-and we can't see any way out of them. It could be a toxic workplace or a violent neighborhood, the kinds of environment that trigger unhealthy behavior steering us away from our goals.

    I find the grid useful as an analytical tool with my clients. It enables them to take inventory of the triggers in their lives, which, if nothing else, increases their awareness about their environment. More important, it reveals whether they're operating in a productive quadrant. **The right side of the matrix** is where successful people want to be, moving forward on their behavioral goals.

    **Cue, routine, and reward** to describe the three-part sequence known as a **habit loop**. Smoking cigarettes is a habit loop consisting of
        Stress (cue)
        Nicotine stimulation (routine)
        Leading to temporary psychic well-being (reward).

    Mandy bites her nails: The tension appears when she's bored. That's the cue: tension in her fingers brought on by boredom. Biting her nails is the routine that fights her boredom. The physical stimulation, especially the sense of completeness. Mandy's reward. She craves it, which makes it habitual. Start by making a check mark on the card each time she feels the finger tension. She's ready to replace her routine. A "competing response"-in this case, putting her hands in her pocket or gripping a pencil. Eventually Mandy learns to rub her arms or rap her knuckles on a desk as a substitute for the physical gratification that   nail biting provides. The cue and reward stay the same. The routine has changed.

    But how you respond is important and consequential. Will this unfortunate event trigger more damage in the relationship between parent and child, or will something good come out of it? Will you give in to the perfectly natural impulse to   express your scorn, or will you take a breath and make a smarter choice?

    Your teenage daughter borrows the car and two hours later calls to say it's been stolen. She left the keys in the car while she ran into a convenience store. How do you respond?

    Why don't we become the person we want to be? Why don't we do what we know we should. To avoid undesirable behavior, avoid the environments where it is most likely to occur. Many moments in life when avoidance is impossible. **There is no harder task** for adults than changing our behavior.

    The interchange of **two dimensions we need to sort out** before we can become the person we want to be: the Positive to Negative axis tracks the elements that either help us or hold us back. The Change to Keep axis tracks the elements that we determine to change or keep in the future.

    In pursuing any behavioral change we have **four options**: change or keep the positive elements, change or keep the negative.
        **Creating** represents the positive elements that we want to create in our future.
        **Preserving** represents the positive elements that we want to keep in the future.
        **Eliminating** represents the negative elements that we want to eliminate in   the future.
        **Accepting** represents the negative elements that we need to accept in the future.

    **The Progress Principle**, has shown that employees who have a sense of "making progress" are more engaged than those who  don't. We don't just need specific targets; we need to see ourselves nearing, not receding from, the target.

        **Did I do my best** to make progress toward my goals today?

        Did I do my best to find meaning today?

        Did I do my best to be happy today?

        Did I do my best to build positive relationships today?

        Did I do my best to be fully engaged today?

    Suddenly, I wasn't being asked how well I performed but rather how much I tried.

    **My Daily Questions**:
        Did I do my best to be happy?
        Did I do my best to find meaning?
        Did I do my best to have a healthy diet?
        Did I do my   best to be a good husband?

    Your Daily Questions should **reflect your objectives**.

    Your only **considerations** should be:
        Are these items important in my life?
        Will success on these items help me become the person that I want to be?

    When the questions begin with "Did I do my best to..." the feeling is even worse. We have to admit that we didn't even try to do what we know we should have done.

    Daily Questions are what behavioral economists refer to as a "**commitment device.**"

    A "swear jar" to which we donate cash every time we use vulgar language is a common commitment device.

    Can you remember the moment when you initiated your first significant adult behavioral change? Have you ever actually changed your behavior as an adult?

Raised Bed Gardening for Beginners
    You get more produce from less space, because of several factors. The soil gets warmer earlier in the year, enabling the plants to grow faster. Plants are placed closer together than when planted in rows, so you have more plants producing.
    **Sun**: At least 6 hours of sunshine daily.
    **Drainage**: Raised beds will help you with drainage. Nevertheless, you want your garden to be in an area with good natural drainage.
    **Air Circulation**: Your garden needs good air circulation but shouldn't be in an extremely windy area. Good air circulation is essential to a healthy garden. Your plants need circulation to deter some molds, mildews, and pests as well as to develop strong stems and remain generally healthy.
    **Water**: You want your garden to be near a water source, such as a spigot with a hose. Soil in raised beds warms faster than soil at ground level. Therefore, the soil in raised beds also dries out faster.
    **SIZE**: Your beds can be as small as 3 feet by 3 feet; they can be as long as you like but no more than 4 feet wide.
    **Bed Width** you can avoid walking on your garden surface, which leads to soil compaction, a downside of traditional gardening. Loose soil means healthier, stronger, more productive plants.
    **Depth** if you are growing root crops, such as carrots and parsnips, you will need a bed deep enough for them to grow. A Danvers carrot, a common varietal, will grow 6 to 8 inches long. A parsnip can grow as long as 12 inches. The minimum depth for a raised bed should be 6 inches,
    **PLANTS**: first consideration should be what you like to eat.
    **Keep a Journal** I keep a journal detailing what I have grown, how many plants I have put in, and where in the garden I planted them. I also keep notes on how well the plants produce vegetables and how they taste, unless they are old standbys.
    Companion Planting Use the companion chart to learn which vegetables like to be near one another and which ones don't.
    **Taller Plants** Consider the size of the grown plants. Tall plants are best planted on the north side of a raised-bed garden to avoid casting shadows on shorter ones.
    Flowers and Herbs Don't forget to plant herbs and flowers. Nasturtiums are edible flowers, and marigolds help keep pests away. Herbs like basil are a great addition to salads, marinades, and meats.

    **Crop rotation** is a simple concept: don't plant the same crops year after year in the same location. It helps increase the fertility of your soil, increasing crop yield and decreasing pest infiltration and disease.

    Plants are commonly divided into four groups for crop rotation purposes:
        1.Leaves: greens, herbs, lettuces, any plant with edible leaves
        2.Legumes: beans and peas
        3.Roots: beets, carrots, and turnips
        4.Vegetables: eggplant, peppers, and tomatoes, for example
    **Put a cover** on your raised-bed gardens to speed soil warming in the spring and to retain soil warmth in the fall. Slitted or perforated polyethylene. Plant up to 3 weeks early with this method,

    **Soil quality** is as important to the quality of your raised-bed garden as sunlight and water. Soil that does not have the nutrients your plants need or that is too acidic or too alkaline will yield poor results. Soil drainage and density will also affect your results.

    A **good pH range** for most garden vegetables is 6.1 to 6.9

    **Any debris**, such as dead leaves or overripe vegetables, should be removed to discourage disease and pests.

    Check for wilting, brown edges, holes in the leaves, and yellowing of your plants, all signs of a problem. Check under the leaves for bugs.

    If you can't find a **moisture meter**, stick your finger into the soil about 2 inches deep. If it is dry to that point, you should water more. If it is soggy, you are overwatering.

    **Proper spacing** ensures your plants have adequate room to grow, along with sufficient light and air circulation. You will find this information on the seed packet or on the stake that comes with the seedling. Planting every 3 inches in each direction.
    **Planting in blocks** allows you to fit more plants in the same area. Let's use radishes, which should be spaced 3 inches apart. You plant the first seed and then others 3 inches to the right, left, front, and back of it.

    keep in mind that all the plants will be ready to pick at the same time.

    **Seed starting** is not a requirement, but it offers many benefits. Impatient gardeners, a head start. Start your seeds indoors 6 to 8 weeks before the last frost in your area, then plant the seedlings outdoors in the garden after the danger of frost has passed.

    The first "leaves" to appear are the cotyledons; they are actually part of the seed. When the first set of true leaves appears, **start fertilizing**. Use about a quarter of the amount of fertilizer recommended on the fertilizer bag label, but before you apply the fertilizer, dilute it, and make it half the strength specified on the label.

    The best way to test whether water is needed is to put your finger into the soil. If the soil is wet at about 1 inch down, the plant does not need water. If it is dry at about 2 inches down, give your plant a drink. Most plants need 1 to 2 inches of water per week.

    **Watering is best done in early morning**, before the sun is high in the sky. Because this time of day is cooler, the water will soak into the ground rather than evaporate into the air. Your objective is a **deep, regular watering, reaching the roots of the plants**. Drip irrigation or a soaker hose will yield the best results.

    Watering at night can lead to root rot and fungal diseases of the plant stem, especially if you are getting water on the leaves. Never water a limp plant during the heat of the day. Wait until evening to determine whether water is needed by putting your finger 1 inch in the soil near the plant. If the soil is dry, water the plant. Keeping the soil light and fluffy will help the water get to plant roots, where it is needed.

    do a deep watering every couple of days to encourage strong roots.

    **Bug inspection** is like weeding. Bugs will get out of control if you don't deal with them the minute you see them.
    Once a veggie is ready to be picked, harvest it and enjoy it. If you leave vegetables on the plant to rot, they will encourage disease and also slow the production of the plant they are on.

    Herbs, such as basil, will flower when mature. To get a bushier, more compact plant, you should pinch off these flowers. Always remove any dead leaves or branches, which become an open invitation for pests and disease.

    Tomato plants have **suckers**, new shoots that form from a branch off the main stem. They produce no tomatoes and compete with the rest of the plant for nutrients. Pinch them off to produce larger tomatoes and a higher yield.
    Herbs are one of the easiest plants to harvest. Once they have green leaves, pick them as desired. If you prefer a large bunch of herbs, let them keep growing, then use scissors to cut them back to within 2 inches of the ground. They will grow back.

    Lettuce, spinach, and other greens are harvested in the same manner as herbs.

    Weeding is easier in the morning, when the ground is still damp from the dew or your watering.
    Discourage weeds and disrupt their establishment by regularly breaking up the ground with a garden cultivator
    Try to get all the roots.

    Plastic garden mulch has been my favorite method for keeping weeds out.

    To minimize establishment of weeds between your final harvest and your next growing season, cover your garden with a thick layer of newspaper, cardboard, or plastic mulch.

    **Carrot**: plant directly in the garden because they do not like to be transplanted. Location: full sun in early spring; sow in shady areas in late summer in the South Seeding: Do not start lettuce indoors. Plant it directly in your garden.
    Onions can be harvested as green onions or, if grown to full maturity, as bulbs.

    **Spinach**: Harvest young leaves as desired. Once the weather starts to warm, harvest the entire plant.

    **Tomato**: Do not try to plant tomato seeds outdoors. Start your own seedlings or purchase seedlings from a local nursery.
    plant tomato plants 3 feet apart in rows 3 feet apart; in a 4-by-4-foot bed, water regularly; full sun; requires at least 8 hours of sunlight per day Plant tomato seedlings with the stem laying sideways. Roots will form along the stem. Plant them deep, leaving about the top third of the seedling exposed. They will grow "up" toward the sun and become upright.
    Remove suckers, which form in the area between two branches. They will not produce tomatoes. Prune tomatoes lightly to remove some leaves, thereby increasing the plants' sun exposure. Never put a fresh-picked tomato in the refrigerator, it will not ripen. You can pick red varieties when they are full size but still green, and fry them. To pick a tomato, get a firm grip on it and pull. Be careful not to squash the tomato.

No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind
    **#1: The Brain Is Changing** Unlike the primitive **downstairs brain**, with all of its rudimentary functions, the **upstairs brain** is responsible for a laundry list of **thinking, emotional, and relational skills** that allow us to live balanced, meaningful lives and enjoy healthy relationships:
        Sound decision making and planning
        Regulation of emotions and body
        Personal insight
        Flexibility and adaptability
        Empathy
        Morality
    These are the very qualities we want to help instill in our children, and they all require a well-developed upstairs brain. The problem is that the upstairs brain takes time to develop.

    no matter how smart, responsible, or conscientious your child is, it's unfair to expect her to always handle herself well, or to always distinguish between a good choice and a bad one. That's even impossible for adults to do all the time.

    **Mindsight** is a teachable skill at the heart of **being empathic and insightful, moral and compassionate**. Mindsight is the basis of social and emotional intelligence, and we can model this for our children as we help guide the development of their changing brains.

    when we parent, and especially when we discipline, we need to work hard to understand our children's points of view, their developmental stage, and what they are ultimately capable of.

    **#2: The Brain Is Changeable** The brain is not only changing-it develops over time-but changeable-it **can be molded intentionally by experience**.

    **Neuroplasticity** which refers to the way the brain physically changes based on experiences we undergo.

    participating in **mindfulness practices (or playing the violin or even practicing karate)**, fundamentally and physically changes the plastic brain-especially while it's developing in childhood and adolescence, but even throughout our lives.

    If repeated experiences actually change the physical architecture of the brain, then it becomes paramount that we be intentional about the experiences we give our children.

    **Experiences lead to changes in the architecture of the brain**. Practically, then, we want to keep neuroplasticity in mind when we make decisions about how we interact with kids and how they spend their time. We want to consider what neural connections are being formed and how they will play out in the future. For example, what movies do you want your kids to see, and what activities do you want them to spend hours of time enjoying?

    **Kids whose parents talk to them about their feelings** also develop a more robust emotional intelligence and can therefore be better at noticing and understanding their own and other people's feelings.

    **#3: The Brain Is Complex** If your child is melting down and out of control, which part of the brain would you rather appeal to?

    We want to engage the upstairs brain's receptivity, rather than trigger the downstairs brain's reactivity.

    We call this "**poking the lizard**," and we don't recommend it because it almost always leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child.

    **When we discipline with threats**- Your child's sensory system takes in your body language and words and detects threat, which biologically sets off the neural circuitry that allows him to survive a threat from his environment-to fight, to flee, to freeze, or to faint.

    When your five-year-old throws a fit at the grocery store, you ask him to "calm down this instant," you're poking the lizard. You're triggering a downstairs reaction, his thinking, rational self-control circuitry of the upstairs brain goes off-line, becoming unavailable in that moment. In this situation, you can appeal to your child's more sophisticated upstairs brain, and demonstrating respect for your child, nurturing him with lots of empathy, and remaining open to collaborative and reflective discussions, you communicate "no threat," so the reptilian brain can relax its reactivity.

    **"name it to tame it"** Simply by naming the emotion, a person feels her levels of fear and anger decrease. That's how the upstairs brain can calm the downstairs brain.

    We want our kids to develop the internal skill to calm the storm and reflect on what's happening inside.

    The experiences of **emotional and physical safety** give them the capacity to act responsibly and make good choices.

    We don't want our discipline to cause our children to focus all of their energy and neural resources on making us happy or staying out of trouble. Instead, we want our discipline to help grow our kids' upstairs brains.

    The way we interact with our kids when they're upset significantly affects how their brains develop, and therefore what kind of people they are, both today and in the years to come.

    it's essential that we **set limits and that our children internalize "no"** when necessary, particularly in the early years, when the regulatory circuits of the brain are wiring up.

    No running. Don't spill. Our point here isn't that we want our kids to hear the word "no" a lot. In fact, much more effective than an outright no is a yes with a condition: "Yes, you can take a bath later"

    every time our children misbehave, they give us an opportunity to understand them better, and get a better sense of what they need help learning.

    **By misbehaving, kids actually communicate to us what they need to be working on**-what has not yet been developed or what specific skills they need practice with.

    Another way to parent proactively is to HALT before responding to your kids. When you see your child's behavior trending in a direction you don't like, **ask yourself, "Is he hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?"** It may be that all you need to do is to set out some raisins, listen to his feelings, play a game with him, or help him get more sleep.

    But the more you can watch for the beginnings of negative behaviors and head them off at the pass, the less you'll end up having to pick up the literal or figurative pieces

    one of the most powerful ways we **connect with our children is simply by physically touching them**. A loving touch-as simple as a hand on an arm or a rub on the back or a warm embrace-releases feel-good hormones (like natural oxytocin and opioids) into our brain and body, and decreases the level of our stress hormone (cortisol).

    A child in the midst of a **tantrum is not experiencing a "teachable moment."** But the moment can be transformed through connection into an integrative opportunity.

    When kids are **given whatever they want all the time**, they lose opportunities to build resilience and learn important life lessons: about delaying gratification, about having to work for something, about dealing with disappointment. Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future, when the entitled mind-set comes across to others.

    True confidence and competence come not from succeeding at getting what we want, but from our actual accomplishments and achieving mastery of something on our own.

    **Spoiling has nothing to do with connecting with your child** when he's upset or making bad choices. Remember, you can't spoil a child by giving him too much emotional connection, attention, physical affection, or love. When our children need us, we need to be there for them.

    "It looks like you're having fun deciding who gets to use the slide. Tell me more about what you and your friends are doing here." A simple statement like this, said in a tone that communicates interest and curiosity instead of judgment and anger, establishes an emotional connection between the two of them. "Hmmm. I just heard from another mom that some of the kids are wanting to use the slide, and that they're not liking how you're blocking it. The slide is for all the kids at the park. Do you have any ideas for how we can all share it?"

    Response flexibility means you're making a point to decide how you want to respond to each situation that arises, rather than simply reacting without thinking about it. Like so many aspects of parenting, response flexibility is fundamentally about parenting intentionally. We're talking about remaining mindful of meeting the needs of your child-this particular child-in this particular moment. When that goal is central in your mind, connection will necessarily follow.

    **Connection Principle #1: Turn Down the Shark Music** "Shark music" takes us out of the present moment, causing us to practice fear-based parenting. Our attention is on whatever we are feeling reactive about. We worry about what's coming in the future, or we respond to something from the past. When we do so, we miss what's actually happening in the moment-what our children really need, and what they're actually communicating. As a result, we don't give them our best. Shark music, in other words, keeps us from parenting this individual child in this individual moment.

    The key to a No-Drama response, as is so often the case, is awareness. Once you recognize that shark music is blaring in your mind, you can shift your state of mind and stop parenting based on fear and on past experiences that don't apply to the current scenario you face. Instead, you can connect with your child, who might be feeling discouraged. You can give her what she needs in this moment: a parent who is fully present, parenting only her based only on the actual facts of this particular situation-not on past expectations or future fears.

    **Connection Principle #2: Chase the Why** Because your older child has played too rough in the past, you assumed that was the case this time. Few parental actions will hinder connection faster than assuming the worst and reacting accordingly. So instead of making assumptions and operating on information that may be faulty, question what seems obvious. Become a detective. Put on your Sherlock Holmes hat.

    When dealing with our children, **it's dangerous to theorize before we have data. Instead, we need to be curious**. We need to "chase the why." Curiosity is the cornerstone of effective discipline. Before you ever respond to your child's behavior-especially when you don't like it-ask yourself a question: "I wonder why my child did that." Let this lead you to other questions: "What is she wanting here? Is she asking for something? Trying to discover something? What is she communicating?"

    **Connection Principle #3: Think About the How** What we say to our kids is of course important. But you know that just as important, if not more important, is how we say it.

    At bedtime you might use a threat: "Get in bed now or you won't get any stories." Or you could say, "If you get in bed now, we'll have time to read.

    **It's the how that determines what our children feel about us and themselves**, and what they learn about treating others.

    Children usually cooperate much more quickly if they feel connected to us, and when we engage them in a pleasant and playful exchange. It's the how that determines that.

    So those are the three connection principles. By checking for shark music, chasing the why, and thinking about the how, we set the stage for connection. As a result, when our kids behave in ways we don't like, we have the opportunity to connect first, prioritizing the relationship and improving the odds of a successful disciplinary outcome.

    **The No-Drama Connection Cycle**

    **Connection Strategy #1: Communicate Comfort** We can communicate so much without ever talking. The most powerful nonverbal response of all is one that you probably do automatically: you touch your child.

    when we feel someone touch us in a way that's nurturing and loving, feel-good hormones (like oxytocin) are released into our brain and body, and our levels of cortisol, a stress hormone, decrease.

    Do you ever find yourself leaning over your child with an angry look on your face? Maybe you're saying, in a scary tone of voice, "Knock it off!" or "Stop that this instant!" This approach is essentially the opposite of connection, and it's not going to be very effective at calming your child. Your escalated response will intensify her emotions even further. Even if your intimidation results in your child appearing calm, she'll actually be feeling anything other than calm. Her heart will pound in response to the stress because she is afraid enough to shut down her emotions and hide her feelings in an attempt to keep you from becoming more angry.

    When we feel threatened, our social engagement circuitry can't turn on. We have trouble engaging our upstairs brain

    Instead of calming down and making good decisions, we simply react.

    We recommend that you try this "below eye level" technique the next time your child is upset or out of control emotionally.

    **Connection Strategy #2: Validate, Validate, Validate** we need to let our kids know that we hear them. That we understand. That we get it. Whether or not we like the behavior that results from their feelings, we want them to feel acknowledged and sense that we're with them in the middle of all those big feelings.

    focusing our attention on how they are experiencing things from their point of view.

    validation means resisting the temptation to deny or minimize what our kids are going through.

    two huge benefits.
        Helping her **feel understood calms her autonomic nervous system** and helps soothe her big feelings, so she can begin to put the brakes on her desire to react and lash out.
        It gives the child an **emotional vocabulary and emotional intelligence**, so she herself can recognize and name what she's feeling, which helps her understand her emotions and begin to regain control of herself so that redirection can occur.

    **Connection Strategy #3: Stop Talking and Listen** stop talking so much. Communicate comfort and validate your child's feelings

    No matter how strong your desire, avoid the temptation to argue with your child, lecture her, defend yourself, or tell her to stop feeling that way. Now's not the time to teach or explain. Now is the time to listen, just sitting with your child and giving her time to express herself.

    **Connection Strategy #4: Reflect What You Hear** reflect back to our children what they've said, letting them know we've heard them.

    **1-2-3 Discipline***

    Redirection is how we respond when our kids do something we don't like, such as throwing something in anger, or when they're not doing something we want them to do, like brush their teeth and get ready for bed.

    we need to remember that **discipline is about teaching**.

    the child's focus will immediately shift. Instead of having her attention on that "uh-oh" feeling bubbling up inside of her, or instead of thinking about the decision she made when she took the crayons from the store, all of her attention will focus on how mean or scary her parent is for punishing her in this way.

    her eyes got wide and full of fear and guilt. In a moment like this, the parental response is going to largely determine what a child takes away from the experience.

    if the parent's focus is on consequences or punishment, and she immediately yells, spanks, sends the child to her room, or takes away an upcoming opportunity she's excited about, then

    Instead, this mom offered a disciplinary approach focused on teaching rather than immediate consequences. She gave her daughter time to sit with and be aware of that uncomfortable, valuable, natural guilt she was feeling as a result of having taken something that wasn't hers. Yes, guilt can even be healthy. It is evidence of a healthy conscience! And it can shape future behavior.

    Then they continued their conversation briefly, talking about honesty, about respecting others' property, and about doing the right thing, even when it's hard.

    allowing discipline to naturally arise simply by orienting her daughter's attention to the internal guilt she was already feeling, rather than just laying out instant consequences, the mother allowed her daughter to give her upstairs brain some exercise by considering her actions and how they affected others, and by learning some basic lessons about ethics and morality. Then they made plans for how best to return the crayons

    Reflection with a child helps him become aware of what's happening internally, and that optimizes learning.

    **Two Principles**

    **Principle #1: Wait Until Your Child Is Ready** there are times when it does make sense to address misbehavior right away.

    Misbehavior often happens because a child isn't able to regulate his big feelings. And when his emotions are dysregulated, his upstairs brain has gone off-line. It's temporarily out of order, meaning he's not able to accomplish the tasks his upstairs brain is responsible for: making good decisions, thinking about others, considering consequences,

    I'd like to talk about what happened yesterday at bedtime. That didn't go so well, did it?" Waiting for the right time is essential when it comes to teaching effectively.

    **Principle #2: Be Consistent, but Not Rigid** Consistency means working from a reliable and coherent philosophy so that our kids know what we expect of them and what they should expect from us. Rigidity, on the other hand, means maintaining an unswerving devotion to rules we've set up, sometimes without having even thought them through, or without changing them as our kids develop.

    rigidity is not about safety or reliability; it's about stubbornness. It keeps parents from compromising when necessary, or looking at context and the intention behind a behavior, or recognizing the moments when it's reasonable to make an exception.

    fear-based parenting. They worry that if they ever give in and allow a soft drink at one meal, they'll create a slippery slope and their kids will be drinking Mountain Dew for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for the rest of their lives. So they stick to their guns and deny the soft drink.

    1-2-3 discipline focuses on one definition (teaching) and two principles (wait until your child is ready, and be consistent but not rigid).

    mindsight is the ability to see our own mind, as well as the mind of another. It allows us to develop meaningful relationships while also maintaining a healthy and independent sense of self.

    **Outcome #1**: Insight notice and reflect on their own feelings and their responses to difficult situations.

    chapter-children can become more aware and understand themselves more fully.

    we might facilitate this process simply by naming the emotions we observe: "When she took away the doll, it looked like you felt really mad. Is that right?" For

    we want to give kids lots of practice reflecting on how their actions impact others, seeing things from another's point of view, and developing awareness of others' feelings.

    **Outcome #3**: Integration and the Repair of Ruptures

    We strongly suggest that when you redirect, you resist the urge to overtalk.


    **Redirection Strategy #2: Embrace Emotions** help kids distinguish between their feelings and their actions.

    if we're saying no to their emotions, kids aren't going to feel heard and respected. We want them to know that we're here for them, that we'll always listen to how they feel, and that they can come to us to discuss anything they're worried about or dealing with.

    We want them to believe at a deep level that even as we teach them about right and wrong behavior, their feelings and experiences will always be validated and honored. When kids feel this from their parents even during redirection, they'll be much more apt to learn the lessons the parents are teaching, meaning that over time, the overall number of disciplinary moments will decrease.

    **Redirection Strategy #3: Describe, Don't Preach**  With a toddler we might say something like, "Uh-oh, you're throwing the cards. That makes it hard to play the game." To an older child we can say, "I still see dishes on the table," or "Those sound like some pretty mean words you're using with your brother." Simply by stating what we observe, we initiate a dialogue with our children that opens the door to cooperation and teaching much better than an immediate reprimand like "Stop talking to your brother that way."

    parents to redirect them, helping them recognize the bad decisions they're making and what leads up to those decisions, so they can correct themselves

    It's not that the phrase "Looks like Johnny wants a turn on the swing" is communicating something fundamentally different from the phrase "You need to share." But the former offers several distinct advantages over the latter. First, it avoids putting a child on the defensive. She might still feel the need to defend herself, but not to the same degree as if we were to reprimand her or tell her what she's doing wrong. Second, describing what we see puts the onus for deciding how to respond to the observation on the child, thus exercising his upstairs brain. That's how we help him develop an internal compass, a skill that can last a lifetime.

    When we say, "Jake is feeling left out; you need to include him," we are definitely getting our message across. But we're doing all the work for our child, not allowing him to increase his inner skills of problem solving and empathy. If instead we simply say, "Look at Jake sitting over there while you and Leo play," we give our child the opportunity to consider the situation for himself, and determine what needs to happen.

    "What's going on?" "Can you help me understand?" "I can't figure this out." These can be powerful phrases when we're teaching our kids.

    **Redirection Strategy #4: Involve Your Child in the Discipline** discipline will be much more respectful-and, yes, effective-if they initiate a collaborative, reciprocal, bidirectional dialogue, rather than delivering a monologue.

    parents and children work as a team to figure out how best to address disciplinary situations.

    **Redirection Strategy #5: Reframe a No into a Conditional Yes** To a toddler who is asking for more time at her grandmother's when it's time to leave, you can say, "Of course you can have more time with Nana. We need to go now, but Nana, would it be OK if we came back to your house this weekend?"

    it's about giving them practice at tolerating their disappointment when things inevitably don't go their way.

    **Redirection Strategy #6: Emphasize the Positive** Instead of "No whining," we could say something like, "I like it when you talk in your normal voice. Can you say that again?" Or be even more direct in teaching about effective communication: "Ask me again in your powerful, big-boy voice."

    Instead of focusing on what you don't want ("Stop messing around and get ready, you're going to be late for school!"), emphasize what you do want ("I need you to brush your teeth and find your backpack").

    **Redirection Strategy #7: Creatively Approach the Situation** If, on the other hand, we become inflexible and remain on the rigid bank of the river, we become much more reactive as parents and don't handle ourselves as well.

    FIRST, CONNECT
        Why connect first?
        Short-term benefit: It moves a child from reactivity to receptivity.
        Long-term benefit: It builds a child's brain.
        Relational benefit: It deepens your relationship with your child.
        No-Drama connection principles
        Turn down the "shark music": Let go of the background noise caused by past experiences and future fears.
        Chase the why: Instead of focusing only on behavior, look for what's behind the actions: "Why is my child acting this way? What is my child communicating?"
        Think about the how: What you say is important. But just as important, if not more important, is how you say it.
        The No-Drama connection cycle: help your child feel felt
        Communicate comfort: By getting below your child's eye level, then giving a loving touch, a nod of the head, or an empathic look, you can often quickly defuse a heated situation.
        Validate: Even when you don't like the behavior, acknowledge and even embrace feelings.
        Stop talking and listen: When your child's emotions are exploding, don't explain, lecture, or try to talk her out of her feelings. Just listen, looking for the meaning and emotions your child is communicating.
        Reflect what you hear: Once you've listened, reflect back what you've heard, letting your kids know you've heard them. That leads back to communicating comfort, and the cycle repeats. THEN, REDIRECT
        1-2-3 discipline, the No-Drama way
        One definition: Discipline is teaching. Ask the three questions: 1. Why did my child act this way? (What was happening internally/emotionally?) 2. What lesson do I want to teach? 3. How can I best teach it?
        Two principles: 1. Wait until your child is ready (and you are, too). 2. Be consistent but not rigid.
        Three mindsight outcomes: 1. Insight: Help kids understand their own feelings and their responses to difficult situations. 2. Empathy: Give kids practice reflecting on how their actions impact others. 3. Repair: Ask kids what they can do to make things right.
        No-Drama redirection strategies
        Reduce words
        Embrace emotions
        Describe, don't preach
        Involve your child in the discipline
        Reframe a no into a yes with conditions
        Emphasize the positive
        Creatively approach the situation
        Teach mindsight tools

    TWENTY DISCIPLINE MISTAKES Even Great Parents Make
        1. Our discipline becomes consequence-based instead of teaching-based.
        2. We think that if we're disciplining, we can't be warm and nurturing.
        3. We confuse consistency with rigidity.
        4. We talk too much.
        5. We focus too much on the behavior and not enough on the why behind the behavior.
        6. We forget to focus on how we say what we say.
        7. We communicate that our kids shouldn't experience big or negative feelings.
        8. We overreact, so our kids focus on our overreaction, not their own actions.
        9. We don't repair.
        10. We lay down the law in an emotional, reactive moment, then realize we've overreacted.
        11. We forget that our children may sometimes need our help making good choices or calming themselves down.
        12. We consider an audience when disciplining.
        13. We get trapped in power struggles.
        14. We discipline in response to our habits and feelings instead of responding to our individual child in a particular moment.
        15. We embarrass our kids by correcting them in front of others.
        16. We assume the worst before letting our kids explain.
        17. We dismiss our kids' experience.
        18. We expect too much.
        19. We let "experts" trump our own instincts.
        20. We're too hard on ourselves.

Make Time: How to Focus on What Matters Every Day
    Make Time is a framework for choosing what you want to focus on, building the energy to do it, and breaking the default cycle so that you can start being more intentional about the way you live your life.

    Being **more productive didn't mean I was doing the most important work**; it only meant I was reacting to other people's priorities faster.

    Framework
        **Choosing a single highlight** to prioritize in your day.
        **Stay laser-focused** on that highlight—we'll offer a menu of tricks to beat distraction in an always-connected world.
        Throughout the day, you'll **build energy** so you can stay in control of your time and attention.
        Finally, you'll **reflect** on the day with a few simple notes.

    **Highlight**: Start Each Day by Choosing a Focal Point The first step in Make Time is deciding what you want to make time for. Every day, you'll choose a single activity to prioritize and protect in your calendar. It might be an important goal at work, like finishing a presentation.

    Your Highlight might be something you don't necessarily have to do but want to do, like playing with your kids or reading a book. Your Highlight can contain multiple steps; for example, finishing that presentation might include writing the closing remarks, completing the slides, and doing a practice run-through.

    Asking yourself "What's going to be the highlight of my day?" ensures that you spend time on the things that matter to you and don't lose the entire day reacting to other people's priorities.

    **Laser**: Beat Distraction to Make Time for Your Highlight Distractions like email, social media, and breaking news are everywhere, and they're not going away. You can't go live in a cave, throw away your gadgets, and swear off technology entirely.

    Adjust your technology so you can find Laser mode. Simple changes like logging out of social media apps or scheduling time to check email can have a huge effect—we'll

    **Energize**: Use the Body to Recharge the Brain. Charge your battery with exercise, food, sleep, quiet, and face-to-face time.

    **Reflect**: Adjust and Improve Your System Take a few notes. It's super simple: You'll decide which tactics you want to continue and which ones you want to refine or drop.2 And you'll think back on your energy level, whether you made time for your Highlight, and what brought you joy in the day. Over time, you'll build a customized daily system tailored to your unique habits and routines,

    Instead of checking off as many to-dos as possible or racing to clear my inbox before heading home, I **focused on accomplishments that were satisfying and important**.

    **Highlight in depth**
    We want you to begin each day by thinking about what you hope will be the bright spot. Choosing a Highlight gives you a chance to be proactive about how you spend your time instead of letting technology, office defaults, and other people set your agenda.

    The first strategy is all about **urgency**: What's the most pressing thing I have to do today?

    The second Highlight strategy is to think about **satisfaction**: At the end of the day, which Highlight will bring me the most satisfaction?

    The third strategy focuses on **joy**: When I reflect on today, what will bring me the most joy?

    consider projects you've been meaning to get around to but haven't quite found the time. Trust your gut to decide whether an urgent, joyful, or satisfying Highlight is best for today.

    Choose a Highlight that takes **sixty to ninety minutes**.

    daily system, no matter what happens, you can always tweak your approach and try again tomorrow.

    collection of tactics for choosing a Highlight and making time for it in your day.

    Choose Your Highlight

    **1. Write It Down** things you write down are more likely to happen. As a daily ritual: the evening (before bed) and the morning work best for most people.

    **2. Do Yesterday Again** Not sure what to choose for your Highlight? you can do yesterday again.

    Once you've identified something that's important to you, focusing on it day after day will help it take root in your life, grow, and flourish.

    **3. Stack Rank Your Life**
        1. Make a list of the big things that matter in your life. Include only big stuff and try to use one- or two-word titles
        2. Choose the one most important thing. Consider what's most meaningful to you, not what is most urgent. Think about what needs the most effort or work.
        3. Choose the second, third, fourth, and fifth most important things.
        4. Rewrite the list in order of priority.
        5. Draw a circle around number one. If you want to make progress on your number one priority, you'll need to make it your focus whenever possible.
        6. Use this list to help you choose Highlights. Keep this list around

    **4. Batch the Little Stuff** Bundle up the small tasks and use batch processing to get them all done in one Highlight session. Most to-dos are just reactions to other people's priorities, not yours. And no matter how many tasks you finish, you're never done. To-do lists also can obscure what's really important.

    They let you capture things so you don't have to hold them all in your brain.

    **8. Schedule Your Highlight** Put your Highlight on the calendar. Schedule your Highlight for the ideal time, when your energy is highest and your focus is at its peak.

    **10. Bulldoze Your Calendar** The bulldozer might compress one meeting by fifteen minutes and another by thirty. It might shove your one-on-one from the morning to the afternoon

    **12. Just Say No** But the best way to get out of low-priority obligations is never to accept them in the first place.

    **Laser in depth**
    State of mind called Laser. You're in the flow, fully engaged and immersed in the moment. When you're laser-focused on your Highlight, it feels fantastic—it's the payoff for proactively choosing what's important to you.

    Distraction is the enemy of Laser mode.

    It's like compound interest. The longer you remain focused on your Highlight, the more engaging you'll find it and the better work (or play) you'll do.

    **Be the Boss of Your Phone**
        1. Delete social apps.
        2. Delete other Infinity Pools. This includes games, news apps, and streaming video like YouTube.
        3. Delete email and remove your account.
        4. Remove the Web browser.
        5. Keep everything else.

    Removing email and other Infinity Pool apps from our phones might be the simplest, most powerful change we've made to reclaim time and attention.


    **Turn off almost all notifications**. Leave only the really critical and useful ones enabled, such as calendar reminders and text messages. Be sure to turn off email and instant messaging notifications.

    **Clear Your Homescreen** try making your homescreen blank. Move all the icons to the next screen over (and from the second screen to the third and so on).

    Stay Out of Infinity Pools

    LASER TACTICS

    Skip the Morning Check-In When you wake up in the morning,

    The day is fresh, your brain is rested, and you have no reason to feel distracted yet. No news items to stress about, no work emails to stew over. Savor it. Don't reach for email, Twitter, Facebook, or the news right away.

    **Block Distraction Kryptonite**

    Most of us have one especially powerful Infinity Pool we just can't resist.

    **Ignore the News** You don't need to follow the daily news. True breaking news will find you, and the rest isn't urgent or just doesn't matter.

    Reacting to what's in front of you is always easier than doing what you intend.

    When you focus on an app's purpose, you can change your relationship to it. Instead of reacting to a trigger, prompt, or interruption, you can proactively use your favorite apps—even

    Start by **identifying why you use a particular app**.
        think about how much time—per day, per week, per month—you want to spend on that activity.
        And consider whether this app is the best way to accomplish it.
        consider when and how you'd like to use that app to achieve your goal.

    **Slow Your Inbox** when people checked their email just three times a day (instead of as often as they wanted), they reported remarkably lower stress.

    **Pretend Messages Are Letters** treating email like old-fashioned paper letters—you

    **Find Flow** Shut the Door The closed door is your way of telling the world and yourself that you mean business.

    **Invent a Deadline** Nothing's better for focus than a deadline.

    Explode Your Highlight When you're not sure where to start, try breaking your Highlight into a list of small, easy-to-do bits.

    Shifting your focus to something that your mind perceives as a doable, completable task will create a real increase in positive energy, direction, and motivation.

    Make a "Random Question" List  Instead of reacting to every twitch, write your questions on a piece of paper (How much do wool socks cost on Amazon? Any Facebook updates?). Then you can stay in Laser mode, secure in the knowledge that those pressing topics have been captured for future research.

    **Be Bored** bored—but boredom is actually a good thing. Boredom gives your mind a chance to wander, and wandering often leads you to interesting places.

    Stare at the blank screen, or switch to paper, or walk around, but keep your focus on the project at hand.

    **Energize in depth** Choosing a Highlight and getting into Laser mode are the core of Make Time. But the secret sauce is Energize. Our thesis is simple: If you have energy, it's easier to maintain your focus and priorities and avoid reacting to distractions and demands.

    If you want energy for your brain, you need to take care of your body.

    **Act Like a Caveman to Build Energy**

    **Keep It Moving** twenty- to thirty-minute session can make the brain work better, reduce stress, improve your mood, and make it easier to sleep well, providing more energy for the next day—a

    **Eat Real Food** vegetables, fruits, nuts, and animals.

    **Go Off the Grid** Today's constant noise and distractions are a disaster for your energy and your attention span.

    **Make It Personal** finding the people who charge your battery and getting together in person. It's an easy paleolithic mood boost.

    **Sleep in a Cave** slept in the dark, and he never lay awake fretting over email.

    **Keep It Moving** Moving your body is the best way to charge your battery.

    Exercise for about twenty minutes... Research shows that the most important cognitive, health, and mood benefits of exercise can be attained in just twenty minutes. ...every day...

    **Exercise Every Day (but Don't Be a Hero)**

    Pound the Pavement

    Squeeze in a Super Short Workout

    The 7 Minute Workout

    Eat Real Food

    **Optimize Caffeine**
        if you normally drink lots of caffeine, you probably feel extra groggy and headachy when you don't have it.

        If you don't recaffeinate, you crash. And over time, your body adjusts to more and more caffeine by producing more and more adenosine to compensate.

        caffeine doesn't technically give you an energy boost; instead, it blocks you from having an energy dip caused by adenosine-induced sleepiness.

        Wake up without caffeine (in other words, get out of bed, eat breakfast, and start the day without any coffee). Have the first cup between 9:30 and 10:30 a.m. Have the last cup between 1:30 and 2:30 p.m.

    personalized formula, backed by science
        Wake Up Before You Caffeinate
        Caffeinate Before You Crash
        if you wait to drink it until you get tired, it's too late: The adenosine has already hooked up with your brain, and it's hard to shake the lethargy.

    **Take a Caffeine Nap** wait till you get tired, drink some caffeine, then immediately take a fifteen-minute nap. The caffeine takes a while to be absorbed into your bloodstream and reach the brain. During your light sleep, the brain clears out the adenosine. When you wake up, the receptors are clear and the caffeine has just shown up. You're fresh, recharged, and ready to go. Studies have

    **Maintain Altitude with Green Tea** try replacing high doses of caffeine (such as a giant cup of brewed coffee) with more frequent low doses.

    Try to time your caffeine intake so that you're wired right when you start your Highlight.

    **Turbo Your Highlight**

    **Go Off the Grid** The nature walkers did 20 percent better. So a little exposure to nature can make you measurably calmer and sharper.

    **Trick Yourself into Meditating**
        It reduces stress. It increases happiness.
        It recharges your brain and boosts focus. constant thinking means your brain never gets rest. When you meditate, instead of passively going along with the thoughts, you stay quiet and notice the thoughts, and that slows them down and gives your brain a break.
        increases working memory and the ability to maintain focus.

        **Aim low**. Even a three-minute session can increase your energy. Ten minutes is awesome. You don't have to sit in the lotus position. Try guided meditation while riding the bus, lying down, walking,

    **Leave Your Headphones at Home** if you put on headphones every time you work, walk, exercise, or commute, your brain never gets any quiet. Your music, podcast, or audiobook prevents boredom, but boredom creates space for thinking and focus (#57).

    **Spend Time with Your Tribe** It's a cruel irony of modern life that we're surrounded by people yet more isolated than ever. People with strong relationships are more likely to live long, healthy, fulfilling lives.

    **Eat Without Screens**

    **Sleep in a Cave**
        Make Your Bedroom a Bed Room
        If you want to improve your sleep, keep the phone out of your bedroom—at all times.
        Remove all electronic devices to transform your bedroom into a true sanctuary for sleep. No TVs, no iPads. No Kindles with backlights.
        A TV in your bedroom offers a very tempting path of least resistance.
        It can be tough to keep devices out of the bedroom, but it's easier to change your environment than to rely on willpower to change your behavior. Do it once and make it permanent: Physically remove the TV. Unplug your smartphone charger and get its stand or base out of your bedroom.

    Fake the Sunset

    **Sneak a Nap** Lots of studies show that napping improves alertness and cognitive performance in the afternoon.

    sleeping late on weekends is basically like giving yourself jet lag: It confuses your internal clock and makes it even harder to bounce back from the original deficit.

    **Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First** you need to maximize your energy by eating as well as you can and making the most of whatever sleep you can get.

    **Reflect**

    Fine-Tune Your Days with the Scientific Method
        **OBSERVE** what's going on. GUESS why things are happening the way they are. EXPERIMENT to test your hypothesis.

        **MEASURE** the results and decide whether you were right.

    **The Highlight hypothesis** If you set a single intention at the start of each day, we predict you'll be more satisfied, joyful, and effective. The Laser hypothesis If you create barriers around the Busy Bandwagon and the Infinity Pools, we predict you'll focus your attention like a laser beam. The Energize hypothesis If you live a little more like a prehistoric human, we predict you'll enhance your mental and physical energy.

    **Take Notes to Track Your Results** (and Keep You Honest) Collecting the data is super easy. Every day you'll reflect on whether you made time for your Highlight and how well you were able to focus on it. You'll note how much energy you had. You'll review the tactics you used, jot down some observations on what worked and what didn't, and make a plan for which tactics you'll try tomorrow.

    it's also designed to help you learn about you. After a few days of taking notes, you'll find yourself more aware of your energy and attention throughout the day and more in control of where you direct it.

    of making time still paid off with a moment you're grateful for. When that happens, the feeling of gratitude becomes a powerful incentive to do the steps again tomorrow.

    some tactics will work right away but some will require patience and perseverance.

    perfection is not the goal.

    Small Shifts Create Big Results

    The daily notes helped me find pitfalls to avoid as well as bright spots to reproduce.


Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
    When Do You Feel Smart: When You're Flawless or When You're Learning?

    When people with the fixed mindset opt for success over growth they are trying to prove that they're special. Even superior.

    Fixed mindset has transformed failure from an action (I failed) to an identity (**I am a failure**).

    Even in the growth mindset, failure can be a painful experience. But it doesn't define you. It's a problem to be faced, dealt with, and learned from.

    The fixed mindset limits achievement. it **makes other people into judges instead of allies**.

    Important achievements require a **clear focus, all-out effort**, and a bottomless trunk full of strategies. Plus
    **allies in learning**. This is what the growth mindset gives people, and that's why it helps their abilities grow and bear fruit.

    Creativity is not a magical act of inspiration. It's the result of **hard work and dedication**.

    So in the fixed mindset, **both positive and negative labels can mess with your mind**. When you're given a positive label, you're afraid of losing it, and when you're hit with a negative label, you're afraid of deserving it. When people are in a growth mindset, the stereotype doesn't disrupt their performance.

    The growth mindset takes the teeth out of the stereotype and makes people better able to fight back. They don't believe in permanent inferiority. And if they are behind-well, then they'll work harder, seek help, and try to catch up.

    **You label your kids?** This one is the artist and that one is the scientist. Next time, remember that you're not helping them-even though you may be praising them. Remember our study where praising kids' ability lowered their IQ scores. Find a growth-mindset way to compliment them.

    People with the growth mindset agreed that: "How good you are at sports will always improve if you work harder at it. "To be successful in sports, you need to learn techniques and skills and practice them regularly.

    Finding #1: Those with the growth mindset found success in doing their best, in learning and improving. And this is exactly what we find in the champions.

    I derive just **as much happiness from the process as from the results**. I don't mind losing as long as **I see improvement** or I feel I've done as well as I possibly could. If I lose, I just go back to the track and work some more.

    For those with the fixed mindset, success is about establishing their superiority, pure and simple. Being that somebody who is worthier than the nobodies.

    Those with the **growth mindset found setbacks motivating**. They're informative. They're a wake-up call.

    People with the growth mindset in sports (as in pre-med chemistry) took charge of the processes that bring success-and that maintain it.

    Athletes with a growth mindset **find success in learning and improving**, not just winning. The more you can do this, the more rewarding sports will be for you-and for those who play them with you!

    Instead of just giving employees an award for the smartest idea or praise for a brilliant performance, they would get praise for **taking initiative, for seeing a difficult task through**, for struggling and learning something new, for being undaunted by a setback, or for being open to and acting on criticism.

    Are you in a fixed-mindset or growth-mindset workplace? Do you feel people are just judging you or are they helping you develop? Maybe you could try making it a more growth-mindset place, starting with yourself. Are there ways you could be less defensive about your mistakes? Could you profit more from the feedback you get? Are there ways you can create more learning experiences for yourself?

    Their plan was often designed to educate the bullies: **I would really actually talk to them**. I would ask them questions (why are they saying all of these things and why are they doing all of this to me).

    Students with the fixed mindset **took the incident more personally**. They said, I would think I was a nobody and that nobody likes me.

    They strongly agreed with the statement: **My number one goal would be to get revenge. They had been judged and they wanted to judge back.**

    Grow Your Mindset
        * **After a rejection**, do you feel judged, bitter, and vengeful? Or do you feel hurt, but hopeful of forgiving, learning, and moving on? Think of the worst rejection you ever had. Get in touch with all the feelings, and see if you can view it from a growth mindset. What did you learn from it? Did it teach you something about what you want and don't want in your life? Did it teach you some positive things that were useful in later relationships? Can you forgive that person and wish them well? Can you let go of the bitterness?
        * Picture **your ideal love relationship**. Does it involve perfect compatibility-no disagreements, no compromises, no hard work? Please think again. In every relationship, issues arise. Try to see them from a growth mindset: Problems can be a vehicle for developing greater understanding and intimacy. Allow your partner to air his or her differences, listen carefully, and discuss them in a patient and caring manner. You may be surprised at the closeness this creates.
        * **Are you a blamer** like me? It's not good for a relationship to pin everything on your partner. Create your own Maurice and blame him instead. Better yet, work toward curing yourself of the need to blame. Move beyond thinking about fault and blame all the time. Think of me trying to do that too.
        * **Are you shy?** Then you really need the growth mindset. Even if it doesn't cure your shyness, it will help keep it from messing up your social interactions. Next time you're venturing into a social situation, think about these things: how social skills are things you can improve and how social interactions are for learning and enjoyment, not judgment. Keep practicing this.

    Messages About Success Listen for the messages in the following examples: "You learned that so quickly! You're so smart! "Look at that drawing. Martha, is he the next Picasso or what?

    If you're like most parents, you hear these as supportive, esteem-boosting messages. But listen more closely. See if you can hear another message. It's the one that children hear: If I don't learn something quickly, I'm not smart. I shouldn't try drawing anything hard or they'll see I'm no Picasso.

    Praising children's intelligence **harms their motivation and it harms their performance**. Being praised for my intelligence rather than my efforts, and slowly but surely I developed an aversion to difficult challenges.

    Parents think they can hand children permanent confidence-like a gift-by **praising their brains and talent**. It doesn't work, and in fact has the opposite effect. It makes children doubt themselves as soon as anything is hard or anything goes wrong.

    keep away from a certain kind of **praise-praise that judges their intelligence or talent**.

    The great teachers believe in the growth of the intellect and talent, and they are fascinated with the process of learning.

    Every word and action from parent to child sends a message. Tomorrow, listen to what you say to your kids and tune in to the messages you're sending. Are they messages that say: You have permanent traits and I'm judging them? Or are they messages that say **You're a developing person and I'm interested in your development**?
        * **How do you use praise?** Remember that praising children's intelligence or talent, tempting as it is, sends a fixed-mindset message. It makes their confidence and motivation more fragile. Instead, try to focus on the processes they used-their strategies, effort, or choices. Practice working the process praise into your interactions with your children.
        * Watch and listen to yourself carefully when your child messes up. Remember that constructive criticism is feedback that helps the child understand how to fix something. It's not feedback that labels or simply excuses the child. At the end of each day, write down the constructive criticism (and the process praise) you've given your kids.
        * Parents often set goals their children can work toward. Remember that having innate talent is not a goal. Expanding skills and knowledge is. Pay careful attention to the goals you set for your children.
        * If you're a teacher, remember that lowering standards doesn't raise students' self-esteem. But neither does raising standards without giving students ways of reaching them. The growth mindset gives you a way to set high standards and have students reach them. Try presenting topics in a growth framework and giving students process feedback. I think you'll like what happens.
        * Do you think of your slower students as kids who will never be able to learn well? Do they think of themselves as permanently dumb? Instead, try to figure out what they don't understand and what learning strategies they don't have. Remember that great teachers believe in the growth of talent and intellect, and are fascinated by the process of learning.
        * Are you a fixed-mindset coach? Do you think first and foremost about your record and your reputation? Are you intolerant of mistakes? Do you try to motivate your players through judgment? That may be what's holding up your athletes. Try on the growth mindset. Instead of asking for mistake-free games, ask for full commitment and full effort. Instead of judging the players, give them the respect and the coaching they need to develop.
        * As parents, teachers, and coaches, our mission is developing people's potential. Let's use all the lessons of the growth mindset-and whatever else we can-to do this.

    When you learn new things, these tiny connections in the brain actually multiply and get stronger. The more that you challenge your mind to learn, the more your brain cells grow.

    the journey to a (true) growth mindset
        **Embrace your fixed mindset**. We're all a mixture of growth and fixed mindsets and we need to acknowledge that.
        **Become aware of your fixed-mindset triggers**. It could be when you're thinking about taking on a big, new challenge. If we're managers, what happens during and after a big project? Do we judge our employees' talent?
        Now give your fixed-mindset persona **a name**.

    Every one of us has a journey to take.
        * It starts by accepting that we all have both mindsets.
        * Then we learn to recognize what triggers our fixed mindset. Failures? Criticism? Deadlines? Disagreements?
        * And we come to understand what happens to us when our fixed-mindset "persona is triggered. Who is this persona? What's its name? What does it make us think, feel, and do? How does it affect those around us?
        * Importantly, we can gradually learn to remain in a gr