ONELINERS

"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport." --Bob, the shop foreman
I'm sorry, your behavior is speaking so loud that I can't hear what you're saying.
Free your mind and your ass will follow.
Mathematics is the science of avoiding intercourse with women.
My bleeding edge comes from cutting myself on Occam's Razor.
"Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do." -- Bertrand Russell
This message will self-destruct in one minute.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
"I could tell you, but then I would have to reboot you."
We're all in a box and the instructions for getting out are on the outside.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Give up now.
You do have to be mad to work here, but it doesn't help.
The truth is out there? Do you know the URL?
Relax. It's only zeroes and ones.
Don't take life too seriously -- it's only a temporary condition.
You can logoff, but you can never leave.
Software is like sex. It's better when it's free. -- Linus Torvalds
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society. -- Mark Twain
When in doubt, use brute force. -- Ken Thompson
Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house.
Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
I'm dying... So are you. Learn to live with it.
Most people are looking for intelligent life in space. I haven't given up Earth yet.
Life is a series of rude awakenings.
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Computers do what we ask them to do, not what we want them to do.
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields
A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
I wish life has a scrollback buffer.
MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.
User error: replace user and press any key to continue.
What boots up must come down.
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Support wildlife: Vote for an orgy!
If you have to ask why it's great, it isn't.
Tomorrow is the second day of the rest of your life.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
If you can't read this, you're illiterate.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
If you don't like oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
Constipated people don't give a shit.
Practice safe sex, go fuck yourself.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Life would be easier if I had the source code.
If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either.
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.
Everyone brings joy to this world - some by arriving, most by leaving.
How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!
Inertia makes the world go round.
The reason people ask questions is because you can't ask answers.
I've been too fucking busy, and vice versa.
One man's upload is another man's download.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off and save your work.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wine me, Dine me, 69 me!
The main cause of divorce is marriage.
The future is not what it used to be.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut The Fuck Up!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes"; but not with you.
Despite the continued high cost of living, it remains more popular than the alternative.
Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do on a rainy afternoon.
Why can't life have an "undo" button?
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Philosophy sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from bullshit.
Civilization is just a temporary failure of entropy.
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
The only intuitive user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned.
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. -- Bertrand Russell
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.-- Woody Allen
Growing old is mandatory....Growing up is optional.
I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.
JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Profanity: the universal programming language.
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb))  - Shakespeare.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Chastity is curable, if detected early.
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day.
Practice safe X.
The nice thing about C++ is that only your friends can handle your private parts.
Multiple Inheritance: the OO path to wealth.
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
Any technology which is distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
You work very hard. Don't try to think as well.
In the long run, we're all dead. -- John Maynard Keynes
Alcohol and Calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive! 
If you can't learn to do something well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
Having an open mind can lead to your brain falling out.
People want answers. They don't care if they're wrong answers, they want them just the same.
Life is great; without it, you'd be dead.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
Never put off until tomorrow what you can put off indefinitely.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
Blow your mind. Smoke gunpowder.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Never attribute to malice what can be explained by stupidity.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young.
Serendipity is looking for a needle in a haystack and finding the farmer's daughter.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
In the wrong hands, sanity is a dangerous weapon.
Live today. Tomorrow will cost a lot more!
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
Just because the system has panicked doesn`t mean that you should panic too.
Take my advice; I don't use it anyway.
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sleep is a poor substitute for caffeine.
Eat shit - billions of flies can't be wrong.
I used to be disgusted... now I'm just amused.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I doubt, therefore I might be. 
Having abandoned my search for truth, I'm looking for a good fantasy.
Natural Law has no pity.
Don't speak unless you can improve on the silence.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom; sometimes age comes alone.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.
I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship. 
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 
I am logged in, therefore I am.
In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no. 
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Q: How does a Unix guru have sex? A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep 
`kill -9' first; ask questions later.
127.0.0.1: Because $HOME is where the localhost is.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
Physics is to Math what Sex is to Masturbation --Richard Feynman
Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it. --Richard Feynman.
Absolute zero is cool.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.
When the goin gets tough, the tough go get a beer.
Life is tough, but it's even tougher when you're dumb.
"Question Authority"? Says who?
Upgrade your grey matter, cause one day it may matter.
If ignorance is bliss, the world is full of blissfull people.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
All the simple programs have been written.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Don't worry, you're not paranoid. We really are out to get you.
To err is human. To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
If all else fails, lower your standards.
Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
One is born into aristocracy, but mediocrity can only be achieved through hard work.
Practice Kind Randomness and Beautiful Acts of Nonsense.
Shit happens.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
When things get complex, multiply by the complex conjugate.
Life is just nature's way of keeping meat fresh.
Doing something utterly pointless with half the resources makes you twice as productive.
If your job requires you to wear a name tag, carry a gun, or administer a Windows system, you have made a serious vocational error.
If you are dissatisfied with your life, return unused portion for partial refund.
The more you know, the less you understand.
Nothing ever is, everything is becoming.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Life is what happened when you were busy making plans.
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
The true delight is in the finding out rather than in the knowing. -- Isaac Asimov
The universe tends toward maximum irony. Don’t push it. —JWZ
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
Those who attempt the impossible achieve the absurd.
A lot of the belief that smart people are right is an illusion caused by smart people being very convincing… even when they are wrong.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
In other words, I'm right. I'm always right, but sometimes I'm more right than other times. --Linus Torvalds
Flowers wilt.  Apples rot.  Thieves get rich and saints get shot.  God don't answer prayers a lot.
Noah's arc was built by amateurs, the Titanic - by professionals.
Life kills.
Life's complex: part real, part imaginary.
Web 1.0 was invented to allow physicists to share research papers. Web 2.0 was created to allow people to share pictures of cute cats.
The danger today is not so much that machines will learn to think and feel but that men will cease to do so.
The future has been here for awhile; it's just not available to everyone.
When everyone's insane, nobody is. --Stanislaw Lem
Nobody reads; in case anyone does, he fails to understand; in case he understands, he'll soon forget. --Stanislaw Lem
The flat earth society has members all around the globe.
With great power comes great electricity bills.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Everyone my age is older than me...
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
If at first you don't succeed, we have a lot in common.
A dog has an owner. A cat has a staff.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
Those of you who think you know it all are damn annoying to those of us who do.
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you
Son, when I was your age there was no social media. You had to go to a bar and buy endless drinks to be ignored by multiple women.
It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
“Et cetera” is Latin for “can’t think of a third example.”
An optimist believes that we live in the best world. A pessimist is afraid that it might be true.
Bad choices often turn into good stories.
I’m not sarcastic, just intelligent beyond your understanding.
There are some that are wise, and others are otherwise.
The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are in the wrong line.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
A wise man talks because he has something to say; a fool talks because he has to say something.
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.
The trick to really enjoying someone’s company is to not spend a lot of time with them.
Relax. It’s going to get much worse.
Being an open book isn’t helpful if you surround yourself with a bunch of illiterates.
We’re all strangers here, some are just stranger than others.
I’d like to test the theory that money can’t buy you happiness.
Don’t give your heart to someone who needs a brain.
Sometimes I’m normal, but I quickly tire of it, and become myself again.
Life is better with a dirty imagination.
The reward for a job well done is more work.
When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. All of the pain is felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of just nuts.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I hate it when you run out of food while you’re still eating.
It’s useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last that long.
I’m starting to think I’ll never be old enough to know better.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better and better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it.
Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wisdom is a comb given to a man once he is bald.
Your worst humiliation is only someone else’s momentary entertainment.
Trying is the first step towards failure.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness, is realizing the other person was born an idiot.
The time to ensure that the toilet works is before you really need it.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
I’ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty.
The fewer the facts, the stronger the opinion.
You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can’t remember what they are.
To err is human, to really screw up requires the root password.
I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
I used to be indecisive but I am not sure anymore.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
In mathematics you don’t understand things. You just get used to them. -- John von Neumann
If we don’t protect freedom of speech, we will never know who the assholes are.
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Optimist: Someone without much experience.
You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?
We all can’t be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.
There are no short cuts to any place worth going.
Sometimes a majority only means that all the fools are on the same side.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
If you can’t learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it poorly.
If we’d stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
Getting screwed while everybody else is getting laid.
Every snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty.
A smart man covers his ass, a wise man leaves his pants on.
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.